We spent most of our time in my apartment, leaving only when necessary. I hated the inability to come and go as I pleased. Fame became its own prison.
We’d managed to bypass the wall of reporters at my apartment and walked across campus toward the science building. I planned to drop Abbi off at her class and then head over to the music building for some piano time. The song I’d written her had blown up on YouTube and Dane, Kai, and I planned to lay down the track next weekend at my dad’s in-house studio.
“Hey, Clay.”
Margie. She was pretty. Tall, slim and sleek. “Hi,” I replied, already stiffening. While I hadn’t seen Bethany in weeks, the other females I’d spent time with before meeting Abbi made a point to seek me out, much to my displeasure. Abbi had been cool about their interest, but this was one of the reasons why I feared relationships. Abbi was bound to get mad or jealous. That’s what girlfriends did. And I wasn’t prepared to deal with those emotions, even if I did like hanging out with Abbi.
“You ever get tired of her, you know where to find me,” Margie said with a wink and an arm squeeze.
“I’m standing right here!” Abbi called. “Is that girl for real?”
I looked away, grumbling.
Abbi stopped walking. Since my arm was around her, I stopped, too.
“You slept with her, didn’t you?”
I kept my gaze down and nodded, hating the heat creeping up over my ears. As I’d expected, Abbi had keyed in on Margie’s knowing smile. But I didn’t have anything to be embarrassed about. Neither Margie nor I had been seeing someone at the time, and I didn’t even know Abbi then.
I caught the hurt flash across Abbi’s face before she schooled her features back into blandness. “I thought so,” she said. She’d become a pro at hiding behind her media mask. I hated that most of all.
“She didn’t mean anything.”
Abbi sighed. “That doesn’t make me feel better, actually.”
“But I’m supposed to be cool with half the world—maybe all the world—seeing you naked?” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew they were the wrong ones.
It was eating at me, growing stronger every day, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
“What do you want me to say? You know I don’t want pictures of me out there. Any of them.”
That was the shittiest part. How could I be angry with her for something she hadn’t done willingly?
As far as we knew, the new round of pictures hadn’t been sold to the media yet. But the initial ones were circulating again—the ones where Abbi was being tugged into a room or the ones where she was topless, kissing some guy. More like him kissing her. Those I hated. They’d touched her, fondled her, violated her.
But the worst part was how jealous I was that they’d seen her.
Why did this whole relationship thing have to be so confusing? I glanced after Margie, wishing I could go back to the casual fling. Abbi’s eyes rested on me, and her hand fell from mine.
“Come on. I’ll get you to class.”
She stopped to pull her phone out of her pocket. “Asher,” she said to me. “Hello?”
We started walking again, but she stopped, swaying a little.
“He did what? A plea bargain. Wow.” I took her bag and pulled her out of the oncoming pedestrian traffic, letting her finish her conversation. “Yeah, I understand. It is good news.” She listened. “Okay. Love you.”
She hung up but continued to hold her phone, her face pensive. “I think I’ll skip class,” she mumbled. I turned, walking us back toward the parking lot.
“About the case?” I pressed my key fob to open the doors to my SUV.
“Yeah. Steve’s team offered a plea bargain. No jail time for him.”
“How’s that good?” I asked, anger bubbling in my gut.
“It isn’t. Not really. But his dad’s a big lawyer in LA. Runs some powerful law firm.”
I opened the backseat and tossed in our bags. “So?”
“Once his father saw the evidence, he didn’t give Steve a choice. Part of the deal is that Steve has to give the names of the men in the photos so they can be named in the suit and I can ask for restitution.” Abbi waved her hand. “I don’t care about that. I want what they did on their records. We’ll get that out of the deal because Steve’s going to be expelled from Tech and the school is cooperating with the investigation, promising to punish the other students involved.”
“Without jail time,” I said, frowning.
Abbi leaned against the side of the vehicle, a frown tugging at her brows. “Right. But in exchange, Steve’s father will pay all the legal fees incurred thus far.”
“Not a huge incentive when you’ve got the money part covered.”
“Which is what Asher’s lawyers told them. The biggest win is the injunction Steve’s father has already put on any and all photos, stating the pictures could not be sold to the media.” Abbi’s whole body loosened with relief as she said the words.
“That’s fabulous news,” I said. My shoulders loosened as well. I knew some people had looked at the pictures, but my hope was that the general population wouldn’t see them.
I kissed her hard. Then I pulled back, looked into her eyes, and kissed her again, softer, sweeping my lips across hers. “Let’s go out.”
She smiled up at me. “’Kay. I know just the place.” She plucked the keys from my hand and sauntered toward the driver’s seat. “Coming, Casanova?”
I grinned, thinking how hot Abbi-in-charge was. “Oh, I plan to.”
She giggled as she started the car. After a few minutes, she pulled into a parking space near my favorite sushi place.
“You don’t like sushi,” I said.
She beamed at me. “We never got to go.”
“We can do something else.”
“Right now, I’m so happy, I could eat anything. You’ve helped me through so much, Clay. Let me buy you a spring roll.”
I laughed as we walked into the place, ignoring the photographer who’d taken our picture. Even Abbi relaxed during the meal. Admittedly, she didn’t eat the raw fish but she did have a big bowl of soup that she proclaimed delicious.
The ease of our lunch wasn’t new but the longer I spent with Abbi, the more I could see us, in ten years, compromising like this. Like my parents did. I set my sushi down, my stomach in knots.
I didn’t want to be my parents. I didn’t want to betray Abbi like my dad betrayed my mom. More, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to please someone who’d eventually break my heart.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said.
Abbi frowned but she followed me, her trust pissing me off. Which is why I made the next hour about getting off. Sex I understood. Sex I liked. Sex with Abbi was mind-blowing.
As always, Abbi gave me her body, but more. She gave me her emotion, but I shied away from just how deep her feelings went.
“You went somewhere, Clay.” She was curled into my side. I was on my back, arm curled around her waist.
“I’m right here, holding you,” I said, but the sinking feeling I’d been living with for weeks threatened to crash over me. So much for believing I’d hidden my concerns from her. That was the problem with dating a sensitive woman—she seemed to hone in on my every emotion. Considering how all over the place I’d been these last few weeks, I wished she didn’t.
“No, you just shut me out.”
“It’s more than sex, Abbi. You know that.”
She slid from my bed, pulling her shirt over her head. Picking up her panties, she slid them up those legs that had so recently been holding me tight.
“Is it? You don’t want it to be.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” I grumbled.
“I don’t want you to resent me, Clay. But you do already. Like on Friday when you wanted to hang out with Kai. I wasn’t mad about that, but you expected me to be.”
“I didn’t think you’d be mad,” I said, standing to pull on my boxe
rs and jeans. “Why are we getting dressed?”
“I saw the way you looked at that girl today. The one you hooked up with before. You looked at me like that. Now. In bed.”
“I didn’t.”
“Please don’t lie to me, Clay,” Abbi said, her eyes taking on that sheen that meant tears were imminent. I stepped closer, my arms around her. “I can’t live with that.”
Her lashes dropped, covering her eyes as she took a deep breath. I wanted to comfort her, to tell her I just wasn’t ready, to give me time. But I wasn’t sure I wanted this. Not yet, and it was so much faster than I’d expected, my feelings so much bigger.
Her lashes lifted and I stared into her beautiful eyes. Each time she looked at me, it stole my breath. She saw me, even my flaws, and she kept looking.
After a moment of searching, she raised her hand to my cheek. Her palm was small, fragile, but like the rest of Abbi, it held a strength most people wouldn’t imagine.
“I love you.” The words were strong, her eyes unwavering.
I reared back, sweat blooming over my skin. No. She couldn’t. It was too soon. We’d just really started going out.
Her lip curled up just a tiny bit like I’d confirmed something for her. She stepped back and picked up her bra, jeans, shoes, and bag. Before I processed what she was doing, Abbi was in my bathroom, door shut.
“What are you doing?” I asked. My chest hurt.
“I’m leaving,” Abbi said as she opened the door.
“But you’re supposed to—”
“My dorm’s been cleaned for a week. I’m going back there. Maybe to my parents’ this weekend.”
“You can’t.” The panic was building. My hands shook.
“I am. You don’t want me here, Clay. You’ve been battling your feelings for me from the beginning.”
“I care about you, Abbi. I want to protect you, keep you safe.”
For the first time, anger flared bright and hot across her skin. Her mouth tightened and her eyes turned cold and hard. “That’s not enough for me. I’m not a charity case, Clay. I won’t let you reduce me to that.”
“I don’t think you’re a charity—”
“Don’t you? Aren’t you trying to fix things for me like you wished you could for Cassidy? Except I’m not a child. I’m an adult. I want a man who wants me.” She thumped her chest. “My moods, my body, my laughter, but most importantly my heart. Who doesn’t look at another woman’s ass with longing while he’s standing on a street corner with me.”
“So you’ll just walk away from me? From everything I’ve done for you?” Anger was building now, pushing past the fear, simmering off the last of the panic. I welcomed it; the sick feeling finally faded from my gut.
“Yes.” The fight left Abbi’s shoulders and she collapsed into herself. “Can you honestly tell me you’d want me here with you every day? Can you tell me you look forward to my voice? To whatever stupid thought flits through my head? That you want to do something, like buy me a new pair of running shoes, just because you’ll get to see me smile?”
I blinked at her, unsure how to respond. I did want those things—sometimes. But I was only twenty-two, and we’d been thrust into a really intense situation. Our every move was scrutinized. If one of us wasn’t smiling in a photo, we were about to break up or I was cheating. I’d seen a header on one of the gossip sites while I was playing on my phone earlier asking when we’d get engaged.
“See, I want to do that with you, Clay. For you.” Abbi’s lips quirked up again. “I always knew I’d fall in love, and it would be better than one of my mom’s books because the man I loved would be exceptional. You are definitely that,” she said. She slipped in close and kissed the base of my throat. “You’re funny, caring, sensitive and you have one of the most defined moral compasses I’ve ever come across.
“You’re the best of friends. You protected me from Bethany and the media, just like you promised. But now, you don’t have to do that anymore because the case just closed.”
Relief swept through me. She was right. I didn’t. She mashed her lips together and tipped her head back, looking at the ceiling. Then she stepped back and slipped on her sunglasses, creating another barrier between us.
“The woman you finally choose to let in will be very lucky.”
She stepped through the front door, pulling it shut gently behind her.
“What just happened?” I whispered.
“You broke Abbi’s heart.”
I whirled around. Nessa and Dane stood in his bedroom’s doorway. Tears streamed down Nessa’s face, and Dane wouldn’t meet my eyes. If something big and horrible wasn’t about to break inside of me, I would’ve been upset they were listening.
“Me? She walked out on me.”
“It’s not like you really gave her a choice, Clay.”
The thing inside me was breaking. Pain shot through my chest. I hurt. The way I’d hurt when Cassidy looked up at me, her small head gleaming bald and her green eyes scared. She’d said, “I’m not sure how much more fight I’ve got in me, Clay. You’re going to have to take care of Mom. You know Dad can’t deal with big stuff. He’ll throw himself into work and destroy the family if he’s allowed to.”
My palms slammed against my knees as I tried to work my way out of the memory. She’d been right. Sort of. Dad did throw himself into another woman’s arms.
I’d told him that I’d been in that part of town to run errands. I told him I’d happened to see him coming out of the hotel later. He hadn’t explained, and I hadn’t asked him why he’d cheat on my mother while she was sitting in a hospital chair next to her dying child.
Because I didn’t want them to fall apart. Instead, that secret had been eroding my trust in love—in Abbi—for months before I even knew her.
My legs gave out and my butt landed on the edge of my coffee table.
Nessa rubbed her palm over her cheek. She kissed Dane and pulled out her keys. “I’m going to see if I can talk to her.”
Nessa walked out of my apartment, too. She didn’t bother to say goodbye.
The silence built, accusatory. But what the fuck? I’d asked Abbi to move in with me. That was commitment. I’d told her I cared about her.
“Do you want to tell me I’m an asshole, too?” I finally demanded when the waiting overwhelmed me.
“Nessa and I know you didn’t intend to hurt her,” Dane said. “I just never thought you’d let fear ruin your life.” Dane went back into his room, shutting his door behind him.
32
Abbi
I made it to my car and all the way back to my dorm before the enormity of what I’d done slammed over me. I’d broken up with Clay. The man who’d held my hand at my OB/GYN appointment. The man who’d asked me to dance even though I’d been slut-shamed by the world. The man who sang me songs about being his hero.
I’d thrown all that away because I was frustrated he wouldn’t admit he loved me. For a smart girl, I made really stupid decisions.
Opening my dorm room, I wrinkled my nose at the new-paint smell. I went to the window and threw it open. Then I sat on the bed I hadn’t slept on in weeks. I wanted to take the last two hours of my life back. Do them differently. Hurt less.
“Abbi?”
I looked up to see Nessa and Jenna standing in the doorway. I guess I’d been too distracted by my thoughts to shut the door completely.
“You want to talk about it?” Jenna asked, crawling up the bed to lay her head in my lap.
I looked down at her big brown eyes so full of sympathy. She understood better than anyone.
Loving someone who didn’t love you back was a level of hell no one should experience. Tears filled my eyes. Jenna wrapped her arms around my middle and cried with me. Nessa sighed from the doorway.
“Guys suck.”
“Not Dane,” I sighed.
“Him, too. He screwed Bethany.”
“What? Again?” I asked, shocked.
Nessa curled her lip as she shook h
er head. “Once was enough. I just hate that he ever touched that girl. Good thing she’s disappeared.”
I held out my arm and she slid onto that side of me. We lay back, a pile of limbs and tears.
“We should do something,” Jenna said, sitting up.
“Like what?” I asked. My thoughts remained sluggish. I kept reliving my conversation with Clay over and over in my mind.
“We could get raging drunk,” Jenna said, biting her lip. “Forget our worries for a few hours.”
“I don’t drink,” I reminded them.
“I’m not saying we have to drink to pass out,” Jenna pointed out, somewhat reasonably. “Just enough to feel good.”
“That isn’t a good idea,” Nessa said. “She’s sad. Liquor won’t help with that.”
Jenna huffed, her cheeks pale beneath the drying tear tracks. “Dunno. Seems to work fairly well for me.” She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes.
She had secrets—ones that probably started when I began staying the night at Clay’s. She’d been the fifth wheel; being left behind by friends wasn’t easy. But I was here now, and I intended to stay here. With Jenna.
“Let’s order ramen and binge-watch some reality TV shows. Those people’s lives are always way more messed up than ours.”
“Ramen?” Nessa asked. “Mmm. I’ll call the place around the corner. They have a really cute delivery guy.”
Nessa pulled out her phone, just as I hoped she would. She couldn’t resist the siren call of good ramen.
I lifted my hips a little so that Jenna fell onto the bed next to me. “What’s up with you?” I asked.
“Pretty sure that’s my line,” she muttered.
“I think I’m still in shock. I mean, I dumped Clay Rippey. I’m certifiably insane.”
“True. I’ve read the stories.”
I whacked her with my pillow before turning so that my face was near hers. “What’s going on, Jenna?”
She plucked at my bedspread. “Nothing bad. Or at least not too bad. I’ve been lonely. So I started hooking up with Charles.”
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