“Sorry about that.” His voice was gruff, misery stamped on his features.
He dropped his arms from my waist, and I missed the weight and heat from his body pressing into mine.
“Stressful week.”
“Do you need any help with your brother’s stuff?”
He scrubbed his hands over his face, rubbing away the emotion as clearly as one would erase a chalkboard. “It’s finished now. Don’t worry about me.”
“Stop that,” I said, some of my exasperation bleeding into my tone. “How are you holding up?”
Emotions played across his face, settling on exhaustion and fear. “I had to purge a bunch of his stuff. I don’t have a place to keep it, and my mom refused to have anything of his at her house now. Felt like losing him all over again.” Kai’s shoulders drooped with the weight of his words. “It’s stupid, I know. But seeing the snapshots of us together as kids…” His chin trembled and his eyes filled. “My mom blames me. My brother died, and my mother thinks I’m responsible.”
“You’re dealing with a lot, Kai,” I said, keeping my voice soothing. “I can only imagine how you must be feeling.”
“I should go. I’m sorry I came and messed up your night.”
“Because my night’s so exciting.” I could tell he wanted to dart out, run away from the real pain he’d just shared, so I kept my voice light, easy, even though I ached for him. “I’m going to grab some leftover panini from the back for dinner. You want one? We can talk about Paige.”
His gaze locked on to mine. I held my breath, silently begging him to stay, to let me help. To let me inside that thick wall he’d erected between the world and his true self—the part of him only a handful of people ever got to know.
“That’d be great.”
“Have a favorite kind?” I called. I studied the selection left in the large, walk-in fridge as I waited for his answer.
It was obvious he wasn’t sleeping well. Those dark circles under his eyes were indicative of the restlessness I remembered right after my mother died. Getting more involved with Kai, learning his secrets, his pain, made me want him more, which was flat-out stupid. He was twenty-three. Young, single, talented, successful. Us meeting at all was a fluke, and we only shared an interest in Paige. In less than three months, I’d have to take a position somewhere—not at that small college in California—and, if I moved, I wouldn’t be back except to visit Marilyn and Paige. Kai and my budding friendship would fade, soon nothing more than a distant memory of me wanting a man too young, too wild, and too sexy to fit into my carefully scripted life. A life that wouldn’t involve Paige. The sting was there, biting at my heart throughout the day. But I couldn’t develop a scenario that allowed me to rescue Paige by myself.
There were three panini left in the industrial refrigerator so I snagged them all before going back up front to grab a couple of cookies no one had bought in the last half hour I’d manned the shop alone.
Marilyn was a total nut about freshness. She wouldn’t serve day-old food in the shop, so the staff and I were encouraged to take home the leftovers. Whatever we didn’t eat, I gave away to the homeless shelter a few blocks away. I’d sent Henry over there about an hour ago with two crates of sandwiches and muffins.
“You want anything else?”
He shook his head.
I’d already locked the front door, but I double-checked it once more. Turning off most of the lights and dimming the ones we left on, I slid my arms into my bulky cable knit cardigan and picked up my food stash.
“Come on. We’ll go out the back.”
Kai gestured for me to go first. We exited the rear of the building, and I turned my head to make sure Kai was trailing close behind. If I’d caught the glimpse right, Kai’s eyes were fixated on my rear end. I sucked in a surreptitious breath, trying to soothe my spiking heart rate and the thick rush of heat deep in my belly. Maybe he and I could try out a fling. No way he’d want to be saddled with an older woman long term—not with his looks and the gorgeous young women who flirted with him everywhere he went. But the chemistry between us built with each interaction as did my need to kiss him, feel his hands running over my sensitized breasts growing with each passing breath.
“Thanks for letting me hang out with you tonight,” he said. “I don’t want to be alone.”
Great. I’d been all primed for some heavy making out and he sounded like a wounded animal. Mentally, I sighed, tucking away my desire. Of course Kai was here as my friend—that’s all we were to each other, really.
I couldn’t let myself forget that again.
“So you’re from the San Juans. That’s where you got the name for the band,” I said as we walked toward my apartment.
“Yeah. Lummi.”
“That island’s named after one of the Native American tribes that lived on the islands?”
“My great-grandmother was the daughter of a chief.”
I tilted my head, trying to see the resemblance to some of the natives we’d seen. Kai’s dark hair and tanned skin could definitely be from his Lummi ancestor, but his blue-brown irises and chiseled features were more European.
“When we were looking for a band name, I brought it up. Tongue in cheek. Both Clay and Dane were born and raised in the Seattle area, so they get it. Since I sing lead, we figured we could pull it off.”
“I bet most people don’t get the reference.”
“You’re right. But that’s not a good reason not to do something.”
I set my purse and my keys on the small bench inside the door to my apartment, just like I did every day. I still thrilled each time I walked in, realizing I had my own place. It was a lot like the coffee shop that was less than a block away—airy and open with light laminate wood floors and big paned windows. Each pane was surrounded by white molding that had to be a massive headache to paint but looked charming. The far wall was exposed brick and added a cool, urban vibe to the living room.
Inviting Kai inside my space was oddly intimate. Yes, he’d been here before—more than a week ago—and yes, he’d even helped me dress. But this was different. Perhaps because I’d finally acknowledged my deepening feelings. I wanted him to want me with the same intensity and feared he never would.
He bee-lined into the kitchen and grabbed plates from the cabinet. I bit back a smile, pleased he’d remembered where they were. I set the food on the counter and moved around behind him, getting two glasses. “Water okay?” I asked. “I don’t have anything stronger. Except for peppermint tea.”
“Water’s great. I should rehydrate from my run.” He unwrapped two of the sandwiches and set them on the plates. I passed him a bag of root veggie chips—the only kind I ate. He dumped some on both plates and then carried them to the small, round dining table. Thankfully, I’d straightened the place earlier and the white, distressed table was clear of empty mugs and notebooks.
“Have you heard anything more about the family interested in adopting Paige?” Smart to keep it about the child we both cared for.
Kai shook his head, brows pulled low over the bridge of his nose. “I called Sue yesterday, but she didn’t call me back. That might be because I accused her of not actually thinking I could be responsible enough to make decisions for a child.” Kai’s full lips flattened. He shook his head. “I have a bad feeling about them, but nothing I can pinpoint.” His gaze was filled with vulnerability, too much sadness. “I just want Paige to be happy, you know?”
“I do.” Before I thought better of it, I reached out and clasped his hand. The heat from the back of his hand leeched into my palm, tingling with awareness.
He looked down at our hands, bemused almost. “Yeah.” He extricated his hand and picked up his sandwich. “Once I graduate, the guys and I, we already have about forty shows lined up. I’ll be gone the whole summer, probably into the fall. I’m not going to be much help as a steady presence for Paige’s transition then.”
I toyed with the edge of my sandwich, no longer hungry. Kai’s reje
ction hurt. Badly. I’d known better—tried to keep my mind from drifting toward giving credence to the fantasy of us together. Such an idea was ridiculous. “I’ve been thinking about Paige’s reaction to Lydia and George.” I paused, unsure if I wanted to pursue this line of thought, especially with Kai. Unsure if I could handle the added responsibility of a child. Even with my teacher assistantship and the hours at the coffee shop, my debt load, thanks to grad school, approached astronomical. Most of the post-doc positions I was interested in pursuing paid worse than my managerial position at the coffee shop, which wasn’t going to help my student debt disappear. “I met them yesterday, and I didn’t like them either. But I assumed that’s because I’m protective of her.”
Kai chewed his bite slowly, setting his sandwich back on his plate. “Paige freaked out at that first visit. She didn’t act normal today when I went by to see her either. She was quiet and withdrawn.”
I picked up my water glass and drank deep before saying, “Right. Until she started raging. Chelle said they’ve had to give her a sedative a few times, which is concerning. I really want to foster Paige because I think, in this case, the system is failing her.” As it had failed me.
Kai stared at me, dumbfounded. “Why?”
I couldn’t meet his gaze. “I was sixteen when my mom died. There was no one else. The first foster family I lived with—well, there’s a reason for the stories.”
“Evie—”
“I skipped out within a few weeks,” I rushed on. No way I was answering any of those questions. I’d been lucky—sort of—and I didn’t like to be reminded of what could have happened. What I let happen. Not that I’d made better choices by getting more involved with the gang girls because I was afraid of my foster family’s family. My new “uncle”…I shuddered.
“Luckily for me, there were only two months at that point before I turned seventeen. I was able to collect the money the state set aside from the sale of my mom’s house. I enrolled at Northern that summer even though I hadn’t finished high school, and started taking classes. I ended up getting my GED in August and moving into the dorms.”
“So you were in high school for three years?”
“Only because I had to find housing and it seemed prudent to be on campus. The GED meant I could take more classes right away. I went straight into the PhD. program from my bachelor’s.” Because no one was taking my future from me—no one. And, thanks to Marilyn’s help, I was able to turn my shitty experience into a more positive outcome. Which was why I’d completed the foster care coursework last year. No way I was letting another sweet little kid go through what I’d gone through. Not that I’d had time to actually foster any kids yet. And, really, until Paige I hadn’t felt the need to.
“That’s one hell of a story,” Kai said.
I shrugged. “Bottom line? I’m broken. The system didn’t help, but neither did my mom’s lifestyle before that.”
“What happened with your mom?”
I didn’t want to discuss her, but I’d told Kai this much. And he had shared some of the hurt created by his dysfunctional relationship with his mother.
“She was an addict when she died.” I looked down into my cup, unable to see the shock or maybe the pity in his gaze. “That's the mom I'll remember even though she was a great mom until she hurt herself at work. She was a postal carrier. She tried to lift something too heavy and messed up her back. The doctor prescribed opioids, and she got hooked.”
“How old were you?”
“When she started taking the meds? Thirteen. Up until then, everything was great. Tight, but great. We had a house, a car, I took ballet lessons, played soccer. Normal little girl things.”
“But she wasn't able to stay clean,” Kai said. He was a rock star so maybe he understood.
I shook my head. “She didn't want to. She lived for the next hit. She sold everything for more drugs, including her body by the end. I was angry, so angry with her I started hanging out on the streets. My teachers and counselors tried to help, called my mom, but she was too far gone by the time anyone noticed. Within six months of the intervention, my mother died, and I was in foster care.”
I paused, running my thumb down the outside of my water glass. Kai made an encouraging noise.
“Mama M saved me, not once, but twice. She got me into the system, which I was really angry about at the time, but it also saved me from my mom's lifestyle.” I swallowed hard. “Last time I saw my mother, she offered the guy there my body in exchange for drugs.”
Those words dropped between us, my cheeks burning with mortification.
“He didn’t…You didn’t have sex with him?”
“No,” I said, refusing to raise my gaze and meet Kai’s. No way I wanted to see the pity—or worse, disgust—lingering there.
“Evie.”
“So I get the importance of a safe environment for Paige.”
“Evie.”
“But…I don’t have a job opportunity here yet.”
“Evie. Look at me.”
I sighed, finally forcing my eyes to meet Kai’s widened stare. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
I picked up a chip and bit into it. Kai opened his mouth, but then just shook his head.
“Chelle said you have a job offer in SoCal.”
“I’m planning to turn it down.”
Kai shook his head. “You shouldn’t give up something you love. Martyrdom will just make you resentful eventually.”
“I’ve talked to both Marilyn and Sue and they’ve brought up my flaws, but I’m better than a lot of other options. So I’ll stick around the city for at least another year, make sure Paige is well cared for either with the adoptive family or possibly with me. And I’ll get more time with Marilyn. So it’s not just to be here for Paige.”
“That’s—so nice.” Kai leaned across the table to grab my hand. Much as I wanted his touch, I didn’t. Because now I was once again yearning for more.
“I just wanted you to know what I was thinking. In case you hated the idea.”
“I don’t hate it.” After clearing his throat, he raised his eyes to meet mine. “I had an idea. I wouldn’t have brought it up at all, but your story made me think… I don’t want Paige to be hurt. She’s already been through enough.”
“Agreed.” I raised my sandwich to my mouth and took a bite. Marilyn made one helluva panini.
“We could get married.”
No way I’d heard him right. No way. I set the sandwich back on my plate. “What?” My lips formed the word but no sound escaped. My vocal chords were shocked speechless.
“If we’re engaged, then we’re as good as that other couple, right? We can let Sue know we’re getting married soon. I have enough cash to buy a house, make sure you and Paige live comfortably. We’ll move over by Abbi’s parents. They did tons of research when they moved to Seattle, and they’re in one of the best neighborhoods. Paige will go to the same school as Mason. It’s really good.”
He talked faster and faster, the words pouring out of his mouth. He couldn’t really be proposing. Not like this. And I couldn’t wait for a position. I was, right now, at the cutting edge of research about drug and neurological interactions. Waiting three months for a position—to continue my research—caused panic to lick up my spine and wrap my lungs in a vise.
I’d never thought I’d end up married to a man who wanted nothing more than a business relationship. Because that’s what he was talking about. My nanny services and foster care credentials in exchange for…what? I didn’t really understand what he was getting out of the deal.
“I don’t really know you.”
“So we get to know each other. As long as Paige is safe, well cared for, it’s not like we really have to get married. It’s—”
“Just for show,” I whispered as my throat tightened.
“Exactly.” Kai smiled. “We get Paige and she’s safe from foster care. Total win-win.”
“Sue’s smart. Don’t you think she�
��ll realize what’s going on?”
Kai narrowed his eyes. “We’ll just have to make her believe we’re the best choice.”
“I don’t know…”
“C’mon, Evie. Everyone wins.”
My brain wasn’t processing on all cylinders. This wasn’t happening. He had not just proposed marriage to me to keep a kid out of the social services system. As much as I wanted Paige, this wasn’t worth marrying over. Was it?
“It’s crazy,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper.
“No. It may be rushed, but it’s for the best. For Paige’s future. I need you to pull this off. If you want some kind of financial—”
“Do not think you’re going to buy me off,” I said. “I don’t want your money, Kai. I’m not a whore, and I’m not a mercenary.”
Anger flared, hot and sharp, in his eyes. He had to know I wouldn’t screw him over later in an effort to get more money out of him. My pride wouldn’t let me.
Once his anger was caged, he ran his thumb across my cheek bone. “Never thought you were, sweetheart. Plus, you just said you have your own, thanks to the accident settlement. You can pay for part of the house if you want. That way it’s all even.”
“Can I think about it?”
He rubbed his hand down his jaw. “If you need to. But we need to talk to Sue. Soon.”
“Okay.” I stifled a yawn but not in time.
“You’re tired. I should go.” Disappointment clouded his features but he stood, beginning to clear the table.
“Um, Kai?” I cringed. Asking would be stupid, pointless. I was older than he was, a mess in my own right. You’d be helping him and, maybe, helping yourself.
“Yeah?”
I fidgeted, still unsure if my idea was smart. “Do you want to stay? Here. With me.”
8
Kai
My knees locked as my breath froze, lodged into a tight ball right in the center of my chest, caused by her offer. We’d just talked about using our relationship to benefit Paige. Sexing up Evie took up plenty of headspace these days.
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