by Laurèn Lee
“You’ll live.”
I cursed him under my breath and rolled my eyes. Ominous clouds rolled in, and it appeared rain would be in our near future. Great.
“How far away is her facility?” I asked.
“Only about forty-five minutes,” James said.
“And where are we staying?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you mean, what do I mean?”
“We are staying with my mother,” he said matter-of-factly.
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“No, Delilah,” he huffed, “They have rooms for family visitors.”
Of course, they do.
Rain pounded our windshield, proving to be a sign of what would be to come during the next week visiting James’ mother.
“James! My boy!”
“Momma!” James ran to his mother as we entered her patient room.
“I’m happy you’re here!” she positively glowed until she saw me. “You brought her?”
“Shhh, Momma. Come in, Delilah,” James waved.
“Hello, Delores,” I said.
She ignored my greeting and returned to fawning over her son.
Quietly, I stepped out of the room, giving them privacy for their grand reunion. We hadn’t seen Delores for nearly a year. I had plentiful excuses. However, James did not. His mother had babied him so much growing up, and he never had the opportunity to grow up. He was still a mamma’s boy, through and through.
I sat in the cafeteria, watching families and loved ones visit with their mothers, fathers, partners, siblings. I would’ve given anything to be home, or at my office helping patients. San Diego was truly the last place on Earth I wanted to be.
Shaking me out of my revelry for home, James and his mother approached me at the table. James held his mother’s arm while she carefully tiptoed in her walker.
“Nice of you to disappear,” she sneered.
“Just wanted to let you two catch up.”
“Son, why don’t you grab us a few snacks. Put it on my account.”
“Sure thing!”
Delores sat down next to me and put her walker aside.
“Why did you come?” she asked menacingly.
“It wasn’t my choice, Delores.”
She looked at me, seemingly waiting for a more in-depth explanation for my presence.
“James told me we were going on a vacation but didn’t tell me where,” I mumbled.
“A-ha! So, you didn’t want to come here to see me!”
“What do you want from me?”
“You know what I want, Delilah. I want a grandchild before I die.”
Enough was enough.
I turned toward her and spat, “Don’t you think I want a child, too? Do you think I enjoy being infertile?”
“Why aren’t you trying harder?” she accused.
Tears welled up in my eyes, anger and rage began to rush to the surface. “I have tried everything. Everything!”
“Hmmmph,” she said turning her nose up at me. “James deserves a child.”
“And I deserve a mother-in-law who accepts our marriage and doesn’t judge me for my flaws.”
“You think you’re so perfect, don’t you?”
“Do we have to do this?” I rubbed my temples.
“I want you to leave,” she demanded.
James looked over and furrowed his brows. He must have seen the look on our faces, and he knew we weren’t chatting pleasantly about the weather or the latest fashion trends.
“I would love to,” I said, “But I’m here for the rest of the week. We might as well make the best of it.”
Delores looked at me with hatred in her eyes. It was a look I had become accustomed to seeing. It was the same look James used with me, too.
15
EVENING HERALD
Jane Doe Identified
Officials and detectives investigating the murder case of a female victim, previously known as Jane Doe, have finally discovered the deceased woman’s identity.
Helena Woodruff, 42, was reported missing by her boss, Ted Johnson, six days ago. Woodruff was a real estate agent with Johnson’s Realty Company.
Police tracked down the identity of the deceased due to a pen with the company’s name and logo being found on her person when discovered.
“At first, we thought she might have simply gone on an extended vacation,” Johnson said. “Then, after she didn’t answer her phone or emails for a week or so, we all got really worried.”
Captain Moonie along with the other detectives swiftly contacted Johnson’s Realty Co. after they found the pen.
“It only took one meeting with Johnson to learn of Woodruff’s disappearance and test her DNA versus Jane Doe. It was a one hundred percent match,” Captain Moonie said.
Woodruff’s family has been notified. She is survived by her parents and a sister. She wasn’t married and had no children. Funeral details haven’t been arranged yet, but the family has confirmed they will need to have a closed casket ceremony due to the irreparable physical damages Woodruff suffered during her murder.
Police are still searching for a motive and a suspect.
16
Present
Driving home, I wondered if James would be there when I arrived. I still hadn’t heard back from him, and his phone continued to go to voicemail every time I called back. This was unlike James. He almost always answered my calls and had never blown me off before. Something must be wrong.
Once I pulled into our driveway, I noticed he parked his car in the garage. He was home.
Son of a bitch.
I stormed into the house and found James lying on the couch, feet propped up. He was watching the baseball game.
“Hello?” I fiercely called out to him.
He grunted something inaudible.
I looked over to the counter and noticed a bottle of vodka had been purchased and opened, already a third missing.
“James!” I shouted again.
“What?” he slurred.
“Did you forget about something?”
James slowly and painfully sat up, his eyes glassed over. He looked extremely confused.
“The Black Kettle?”
His eyes lit up, and he opened his mouth immediately, “Delilah! I’m so sorry. I forgot our dinner date.” He attempted to stand but immediately fell backward against the couch.
“You’re pathetic,” I said quietly.
“I don’t know what happened,” he cried out.
“I do. Vodka happened.”
James put his head down, ashamed.
“It’s been one year, Delilah.”
“One year since what?”
He looked back up at me and stared silently.
“James, spit it out, I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“Lola,” he whispered.
My heart sank. I hadn’t even looked at the date today. I didn’t realize this day marked the one year anniversary of our baby girl dying during childbirth. Lola. Sweet and precious Lola.
I promised myself I’d never forget her and today, I broke that promise.
_
The next morning, I woke before the sun had risen to greet the world. James had slept on the couch in his drunken stupor. Thankfully, I had had our bedroom to myself to mourn.
Climbing out from under the covers, I felt as though I had swallowed a brick of concrete and it wouldn’t digest. It just sat there in my stomach, weighing me down. I had to get out of this house. I had to get away from James. He only served as a reminder of our loss.
I threw on a pair of yoga pants and a worn med school tee shirt. I laced up my sneakers, crept out the back door and ran away from our house and neighborhood as fast as possible. I ran and I ran and I ran.
As much as I tried to push away the memory of holding Lola, she was I could see. James and I arrived at the hospital and anticipated the birth of our baby girl only to have to leave the hospital empty handed.
/> The doctors said the cord had wrapped around her neck as she traveled through the birth canal. No one could’ve predicted it and nothing could’ve been done to prevent it. She was dead before they pulled her out. She was already dead when James cut the cord.
I waited anxiously to hear our daughter’s first cry and it never came. Instead, I heard the cries of a man whose daughter wasn’t breathing. I saw the tears of the nurses trying to revive her, I saw the look on the face of our doctor before he pronounced her dead. I heard my own carnal sobs as they handed Lola to me, cold and blue. James and I looked at our baby girl for the first and last time that day.
Each miscarriage felt as though a piece of a puzzle was removed from my life. It felt as though the world was chipped away at me with every loss. Soon, I feared I wouldn’t be able to feel anything at all. I’d be so empty, I wouldn’t be me anymore. When Lola died, I wanted to die.
If I had died, I would be with my daughter. I could be with all the babies I had lost. I wouldn’t feel so alone. I’d have my children. James and I never truly recovered from losing Lola and I didn’t think we ever would.
_
Monday morning arrived and I left for work with coffee in hand as I always did. James and I hadn’t talked for the rest of the weekend. In fact, we barely saw each other and avoided one another like the plague. If he inhabited one room, I’d be in the other and vice versa. We served as each other’s reminder of loss. When we looked at each other, we saw Lola, and it hurt too damn much.
“Good Morning, Dr. Hedley. Did you have a nice weekend?”
“It was all right. How about yours?”
“Really great!” she cooed and showed me a stunning ring on her finger.
“Dennis proposed? Congratulations!” I hugged Jennifer tightly. “I’m so happy for you!”
“Thank you! We are so excited!” Jennifer retold the story of how her boyfriend got down on one knee and popped the question.
I remembered being so deliriously happy when James had asked me to marry him as well. Now, however, that was a distant memory.
“We will have to celebrate with drinks soon. Maybe later this week?” I offered.
“Yes, that’d be great. Thanks, Dr. Hedley!”
“No problem. Please let me know if anyone calls for me, I have some things to take care of.” With that, I stepped into my office until my first patient arrived.
17
Past- Eighteen Months Ago
James and I spent the night in Delores’ room on two separate cots. I wish I could say I slept like a baby after such a stressful day, but I barely slept at all. Instead, I spent the entire night listening to James snore and his mother sleep talk. I stared at the clock, wishing for it to speed up so I could get out of this room. I would’ve rather camped out on the lobby couch than be in this toxic place.
Around four o’clock in the morning, I crept out of the room and snuck outside to the courtyard. Naturally, I was alone. I’d brought my makeup bag with me for my late-night rendezvous. In it, I kept a secret stash of cigarettes and a lighter. For emergencies only. This was an emergency. I pulled out a Marlboro Lite, which happened to be fairly squished and compacted from being in my bag, but it lit nonetheless.
I inhaled deeply and felt my first instance of relief since boarding the plane. James didn’t know I smoked. His grandparents both died of lung cancer, so he’d be furious. How ironic that it was mostly him causing my urge to smoke in the first place.
I puffed on my cigarette and wondered how my patients were fairing without our sessions this week. I always felt solely responsible for their happiness so if something went wrong in their lives, the guilt would invade my mind.
I finished my cigarette and lit another. I didn’t want to go back inside just yet. I couldn’t go back yet. Instead, I pulled out my phone and looked at old pictures of James and me. We’d been so happy once; we’d been a happy couple so many years ago. I found the picture of us from our first wedding anniversary. James had given me a piggyback ride at the beach. There was a shot of me clinging to him, a gaping smile across my face. I remembered how I felt in that exact moment; I felt free and also attached to the man of my dreams. Now, I only felt trapped with James.
Before I knew it, the sun began to peek above the horizon, which meant dawn neared. I had to get back inside before anyone noticed I’d left. I crushed my last cigarette butt and sprayed myself with a few splashes of perfume to mask the scent of smoke against my skin.
Back to the lion’s den.
I carefully crept back into the facility and my mother-in-law’s room. I looked toward my cot and shivered. Even if I had managed to fall asleep, there’s no way I would’ve slept well. I’d have been better off sleeping on the floor. But, I laid back down and closed my eyes, pretending to be in a deep slumber.
Soon enough, a nurse came into the room and woke Delores for her morning pills and a brief check of her vitals. As Delores stirred, James had begun to as well. Like mother like son.
He rubbed his eyes and looked over to me smiling. I didn’t have it in me to return the favor. He was acting like his mother allowed him to have a sleepover on a school night, he appeared giddy and overly excited.
Since we were all awake, like I had slept at all anyways, we took turns getting dressed as the room only had one bathroom. I put on a summer dress covered in daisies. I’d thought we were going someplace tropical. Now I appeared out of place. Delores looked at me and huffed, and she knew I looked like a sore thumb begging for attention.
“Well, what should we do today, Mom? We have a rental car,” James said as he handed the syrup over to me. The only saving grace of the facility seemed to be their breakfast. I drooled once I’d seen the French toast and fresh fruit assortment.
“I thought we could do a little sightseeing. You know, you and me,” Delores murmured.
I looked at my mother-in-law sternly. How did I not see this coming? The real test would be how James responded.
“What about Delilah, Mom?”
“I have something already planned for her,” she said.
“Oh, is that so?” I asked.
“Yes, you’re going to a doctor’s appointment.”
“Excuse me?”
“One of my nurses is married to one of the best fertility specialists in the state. He’s going to see what we can do about your little problem.” She pointed down to her pelvis for demonstration.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I cried.
“Keep it down, Delilah. People are looking at us,” James shushed.
“You are unbelievable,” I spat.
Delores continued to raise her nose to me as though I was some peasant instead of her family.
“James?” I turned to him.
“Why do you two always have to do this?” he said.
“I’m not doing anything. You brought me here because you were too afraid to fly by yourself and now I’m being treated like a dog needing to be put down!” I didn’t care if people were staring.
“See James? See? I told you she’d react this way.”
“You knew I’d react which way?”
“Like a spoiled little brat!”
“Oh, so I’m a brat because I don’t want to be poked and prodded? I’ve been through- we’ve been through enough. Leave it be!
“James and I cannot leave it be. You’re not trying hard enough!”
The anguish in my gut felt as though it was about to erupt. I wanted to physically make this woman shut her mouth.
“I am not some lab rat you can trick into its cage to run experiments on,” I stood up and slammed my breakfast tray down.
“Sit down, Delilah. You’re embarrassing yourself,” Delores said airily.
I began to laugh. Quietly at first and then it reached a full hyena cackle. I glanced at James one last time to see if he’d stick up for me. He didn’t speak another word. I stormed out of the cafeteria, burst into Delores’ room, and gathered my things. I took the rental car, went to the a
irport, and flew home. Enough was enough. I was done.
18
EVENING HERALD
Plot Thickens for Murder Investigation
The city’s coroner has finally concluded his extensive autopsy of Helena Woodruff, the woman who had been murdered and dumped in the river. The report, which has already been released to the family, is now being given to the public in hopes someone may be able to identify Woodruff’s killer.
“It appears this is now a double homicide,” Captain Moonie admitted early last evening. “According to the coroner’s report, Helena had been pregnant at the time of her death. She was about six weeks along in her pregnancy.”
It’s not uncommon for police departments to pursue a second charge against a person if their victim happened to be pregnant, the Police Department’s Office mentioned.
“We will be charging the perp with two murders once we catch them. You can count on that.”
Amidst concerns from the public regarding the amount of time which has passed since Woodruff was found with no arrests made, Captain Moonie is convinced they will have a suspect apprehended sooner rather than later.
19
Present
Thursday had arrived rather quickly this week, which meant I hadn’t felt I as though I had sufficient time to prepare for my next appointment with Lucas. He arrived promptly at his scheduled time and strolled into my office with typical bravado. I pretended not to hear him come and continued to stare down at my notebook, wanting to appear immersed in my work.
“Good afternoon, Delilah,” he chirped.
I pretended to startle.
“Oh, Lucas. Is it that time already?” I glanced at my watch in faux exasperation.
“Miss me?”
I pursed my lips and ignored his coquettish attempt toward flattery. “Shall we begin?”