I collapse into a chair, catching a glimpse of Alex as he sits down. He really is so beautiful. He's such a good person. While I'm admiring him, I don't notice someone in the seat to my left. A hand taps me on my shoulder so I look over and see Julia. Ugh Julia, she's not eighteen yet, I wonder how she got in. My eyebrows go up questioning her.
She leans over and snidely remarks, "Well, you sure moved on fast. What's that three this year alone? First Michael, then what's his name, oh yeah Jack, and now this one. If it were me, I would have held onto that middle one, he seemed the most promising." She sits back in her chair crossing her arms across her chest glaring at me.
Tears well in my eyes, at the mention of Jack's name. Then my heart twists just a little more. I try to take a deep breath. Don't do this Ever, not here.
I slide my chair back looking at the floor and head for the door. My breathing starts coming in short bursts. I can't get enough air. I'm out the door when the cool night air hits my face. The tears are coming down my cheeks in full force now. I freeze in the middle of the lot not sure where to go. I feel a hand on my arm and turn swinging my fist at whoever has come out to make me feel worse. My eyes meet intense green and Alex catches my hand. All of my energy seems to drain from me and I can barely hold myself up. He notices my knees about to give out and leads me over to his truck. He opens the passenger door and helps me climb in. At this point I'm sobbing. My breathing is ragged and I feel like I'm falling again. I'm ready to let go. He climbs in the driver's side and turns to me. He pulls my body closer to his and holds my cheeks in his hands.
"Ever, you need to breathe. Like this." He takes a deep breath in and blows one out, over and over. I mimic his breathing and after what seems like forever, I have my breathing under control. My sobbing has subsided and now just stray tears are trailing down my face. He places his thumbs on my cheeks wiping the tears away. I hold his gaze and feel a calm wash over me. An intense calm, I lean in and my lips tenderly meet his softly. He pulls away and looks at me with a questioning look. I close my eyes and lean closer to him. He understands without words and grasps my waist pulling me closer. His lips meet mine softly again then more fervent. I open my mouth and welcome his tongue. Our kiss turns more desperate. I put my hand on the back of his head and twirl his hair through my fingers. He pulls away suddenly. When I open my eyes he has a worried look on his face. This seems to break my trance. I'm suddenly very aware of his presence and how close to him, I am. I slide back from him a few inches and look away embarrassed. He puts his finger on my chin and turns my face back to him.
"Ever, you and me, this is what I want. I need you to know that." His gaze is so intense and genuine.
I look away and slide back to latch my seatbelt, furious with myself for leading this wonderful man on. He must understand my embarrassment because I hear the engine start and the car moves to back up. I just want to be alone right now. I'm so ashamed. How could I have let this happen again? I steal a glance over at him and notice the sadness in his face. I did that. I put that sadness there. Sadness for Alex overwhelms me. I grab his hand. He glances down at my fingers on his and looks over at me.
I shake my head and whisper, "I'm so sorry Alex. I'm broken, you don't want me..."
He looks away shaking his head but looks back at me when we stop for a light. Anger flashes through his eyes, "I can't believe he would do this to you." He looks hopeful again, "Ever, you are so amazing. We could be amazing together."
I look away and shake my head as more tears find their way to my eyes. Silence fills the car. I slip out quietly when he pulls into my drive. Before I close the door I tell him, "Thank you, Alex, thank you."
Chapter 27
James
I stroll through the door well past midnight, hoping not to wake my parents. I'm about to enter the bathroom for a well needed shower when I hear a noise coming from my sister's room. I take a step closer and realize she's crying. I push the door quietly open and close it softly behind me whispering, "Ever, hey you okay?"
I find the switch to the lamp on her desk and light replaces the darkness. She's a mess. I can tell she's been crying for a while. He eyes are bloodshot. I cross the room and sit on the edge of her bed.
I ask her worried,"Did Alex do something?"
She frowns up at me and wipes her nose shaking her head.
"No, no, not Alex, he's...so good"
She sniffles, "I just wish...I wish I would have met him first, things...things would have been different."
I look at her a little surprised and ask, "Do you really believe that? I mean if you would have met him first, you would still be in this situation. You would have made the choice for him instead of Jack."
She catches her breath and looks around but lands her gaze on mine.
She almost pleads her next statement, "But I would be able to be with Alex, I wouldn't be broken and my heart wouldn't be ruined."
This is the most Ever has said to me about what happened between her and Jack. I realize this is big for her and decide to stay silent in case she wants to elaborate.
She lets out a deep breath, "James he was everything. I loved him, God, I still love him. It was all just a lie but... for me... it was so real."
I hurt for my sister. I can't imagine what she is going through but my anger for Jack surfaces. I'm glad I didn't know about this when I saw him because he probably wouldn't be living right now.
All this crying must have really gotten to her, her eyes are starting to droop. She drops her head on her pillow and drifts before I can respond...
Her eyes pop open once as I'm about to get up and she tells me, "James, he is so good, what does he see in me?"
Before I can answer, her eyes have closed again and her breathing has evened out. I get up and turn off the light. A thought occurs to me, Jack may be on the same side as me but accidents do happen.
***
The Friday morning after our bar gig, has everyone at school running around like crazy people. The reason, prom, that terrible thing that I wish was never invented. I, of course am only a junior so I don't have to worry about it this year, or so I thought. Sara is a senior, or pretends to be. When she got wind of this overly publicized rite of passage, she turned into a typical girl. Here, I thought she was different from all the rest.
Ever decided if she had to deal with it, she would share her misery. It backfired on her. Sara was ecstatic about the whole fiasco and came over when she found out about it, to ask me if I would take her. I told her of course I would take her, silently cursing my sister. Gabbi made a huge stink about shopping so they spent the entire week getting everything ready.
As soon as I pulled into a spot today, Gabbi and Sara were pulling Ever out of the jeep giggling and whispering about dresses and make-up. I hiked my backpack up my shoulder and turned the other way. They won't want anything to do with me until tomorrow when all of their planning comes to fruition.
As I walk through the doors on my way to my first class, I run into Alex. He pats me on the back, "Hey James, how are you?"
I glare at him, "You're the one to blame for this." I point behind me as the girls enter the hall laughing.
He looks back at me, "Really, you think it was me, Gabbi would have gotten to her, if I hadn't."
I just shake my head, look at the floor and head to class. It's true but it doesn't make it any better.
***
Saturday rolls around and I'm in a little better mood about the prom thing. Sara, I think is the reason. She's so excited to be participating, it's kind of cute. Gabbi and Ever talked me into a limo for the six of us. I wasn't amused by that, the money I earned from our gig last weekend is slowly leaking away.
Sara and Alex both said they would come to our house for pictures before the limo arrived. When Sara walked into the house, she took my breath away. She wore a pale pink dress that ended right above her knees exposing my favorite part of her, those incredible legs. Her long blonde hair was piled on top of her head, held in plac
e by a tiny tiara. She is just so beautiful. How did I get so lucky with this girl?
I grab her corsage from it's box and place a bundle of daisies on her arm. I swear her eyes twinkle when she looks up at me and tells me how perfect it is.
Alex and Sara coming over made our mom so happy. She was still taking pictures while we were walking out the door and driving away. The good thing though, she's trying hard not to meddle in our lives too much. I have to give her credit, a little anyway.
We picked Gabbi and Reggie up and made it to the prom shortly after it started. As soon as we found a table, I felt a punch in the arm. I turn around at that, knowing exactly who I am going to punch back.
I hiss at Garrett, "What the hell, would you just grow up."
He laughs and turns to grab the hand of a girl waiting patiently behind him. He pulls her forward and says, "James, I wanted to introduce my date, Rebecca."
I smirk at the goofy look on her face and look back over at Garrett who starts to frown at her.
I shake her hand, "It's nice to meet you, Rebecca." She starts giggling and a blush spreads across her face.
Garrett glares at her, drops her hand and walks away. I look at her questioningly, not saying a word. Suddenly she realizes Garrett has left her and she runs after him.
I sit down and Sara leans over, "One of your little groupies?" I laugh and kiss her quickly. She is so perfect. I glance around the room and notice Davis on the other side of the dance floor with his girlfriend Jenny. He nods, acknowledging me. I nod back at him. The rest of the room is pretty typical. A DJ is playing the latest in pop music. Not my favorite, we should have played the music. It would have been better. Sara grabs my hand and scoots her chair back. I look at her, wondering where she's going. She looks so giddy. She yanks on my hand trying to force me to get up.
"Come on, let's dance."
Ugh, I look around at the faces at our table. Reggie and Gabbi are whispering to each other. Ever and Alex are talking quietly. She is smiling. Actually, she's been smiling all night. Maybe she's finally getting out of this depression junk. I feel another yank on my hand.
She actually whines this time, "Come on James, dance with me, please."
I look up at that incredible smile, scoot my chair back and follow her to the dance floor. She's in for a rude awakening when she discovers I have two left feet.
Chapter 28
Ever
When Alex got to my house tonight I was still upstairs getting ready. I slipped on my dress, probably my favorite part of this whole fiasco. I'm truly not a dress person but this one was just made for me. It is a navy blue, one shouldered, a- line that stops right above my knees. Gabbi and I went shopping and the minute she saw it, she knew it was for me. I have to give it to the girl, she has some sort of fashion sense. I had vowed to Gabbi and Sara that I would do everything I could, to try and have a good time. So every time I think about how silly, this whole prom thing is, I push it away and tell myself, do this for Alex. Maybe that's the key to all of this. Maybe as long as I'm doing it for someone else, the depression won't hit. Who knows?
I climb down the stairs concentrating on the steps in these huge heels, the girls talked me into. As I take the few bottom steps I look up and Alex is staring at me with the most intense look I have ever seen on his perfect face. My eyes roll over him. He looks so handsome. He is wearing khaki pants with a navy blue shirt. His tie reminds me of the sea with blues and greens swirled together. He leans over as I step off the last step and whispers in my ear, "Ever, you look so incredibly beautiful."
A blush spreads through my face. His gaze is starting those flutters again. I step back a little farther to get some reprieve. He pulls a corsage of daisies out of a box and places it on my arm.
I admire it's beauty and look up smiling, "Thank you, it's really pretty."
He holds his arm out so I place mine through it and we start walking toward the door where James and Sara are already waiting. All the while my mom is clicking away. I learned a long time ago through other events, to just ignore her. She would go on like this all night if she could.
We pick Gabbi and Reggie up from Gabbie's house. She looks incredible in her bright yellow, floor length, strapless, dress. Her red curls clash perfectly, as always.
When we get to school and pull up in front of the gym, I actually get a little giddy. Sara and Gabbi have been giggling excitedly the whole ride over. There are strings of white lights strewn through the trees and the entrance, making it look so whimsical. I glance over at Alex. His eyes meet mine and he squeezes my hand. Maybe there is some fun to be had after all.
Alex leads us through the crowd to a table in the middle of the room. I glance around and spot Michael with Brittany. They are still together. It's funny, I was so heartbroken, or so I thought, when he broke up with me. I wish that heartbreak was what I feel now. This is so much worse. I feel Alex squeeze my hand and glance over at him, attempting a smile.
He looks concerned, "Are you alright?"
I push my smile to look more genuine, "Yes, I'm good."
He gets up and holds his hand out, "Would you like to dance?"
I look out toward the dance floor and spot James with Sara. Wow, she actually got him to dance. That's a feat, he won't dance for anyone. I look back over at Alex and take his hand, following him out to the dance floor.
We stay on the dance floor long after the rest of our table. A slow song finally comes on and that's my cue. I back up and attempt to go back to the table but Alex grabs my hand and pulls me close to him. Before I can say anything he asks me, "Just one slow dance, just one?" I relax into his arms, relenting.
As we sway to the music, I think about how this would be so easy. It would be so easy to let his calm overtake me. I know he cares about me in some way. I look into his eyes. He's staring at me with the softest look, like a caress if a look can be described as that. The familiar calm settles over me so I rest my head on his shoulder and try to focus on nothing. The music changes eventually to something faster and we stay like this through half of it. Finally, I lift my head up and look up at him. He leans in but doesn't get closer than an inch from my lips. My body tells me it would be so easy, my mind screams at me, no you're too messed up, he deserves so much better. I back up, turn around and hurry back to the table, leaving him standing there.
I'm about to sit down at the table when Alex walks up, frustration and anger in his face. He grabs my arm before I can sit and pulls me in the direction of the doors leading out of the gym. I follow because I feel like I owe it to him.
When we walk out into the cool night air, goose bumps cover my bare arms. He leads us out to a bench on the sidewalk beside the gym. I sit balancing my hands on the edge of the bench and brace myself for his anger. He paces back and forth a few times and stops in front of me looking down. I stare at the ground not wanting to face the hurt in his eyes.
He runs his hand through his hair,"Ever,why? Why are you letting him get to you? I care about you and I can't stand seeing you like this."
I continue to stare at the ground. The hurt in his voice is enough to bring the sadness.
"Ever, look at me, what can I do?"
I look up and shake my head, "Alex, you don't want me. I told you, I'm broken."
"I don't believe that. I can take care of you."
A tear runs down my cheek but I wipe it away and stand up with a little more energy, "You are a wonderful man. If things were different it might work but you don't understand. I gave him my heart, it's twisted and I'm already damaged."
He shakes his head, "No Ever, we can fix it, we can be something." Anger surfaces in his voice, "I'm the one right here with you. He's thousands of miles away. If he loves you, then where is he? He doesn't deserve your heart."
I shake my head. There's no way to explain this to him. I step close to him and whisper softly into his ear, "You should go back to the sea, this is just not... working."
I step back and avoid his eyes, turning toward the gym
. I feel terrible for telling him to go back but he just can't understand.
When I approach the table, Gabbi sees me and pops up to meet me before I can get there. "Are you alright?"
"Yes Gabbs, just not feeling well. I'm going to go home early."
She nods understanding, or just realizing finally, that she shouldn't argue with me. I head toward the other set of doors across the gym leading to the courtyard. Once I'm out there I turn right and round a corner checking to make sure no one is lurking in the shadows. I close my eyes and focus on my bedroom. It's been a while since I've traveled so I hope it works. When I open my eyes, I'm in my darkened bedroom. I collapse onto my bed and let the tears flow for the hurt I've caused Alex and I drift to sleep.
Chapter 29
James
Today, I woke up with the realization that school will be out in a week and Ever will graduate from high school tomorrow night. We've been quiet about the looming dates. Both of us very aware but avoiding any conversations. She always handles things she doesn't want to face with avoidance, hoping she won't have to face reality. I, on the other hand always do the opposite, face things head on. I decided over this past month to follow in Ever's example, I let it all go.
Barely Breathing (Just Breathe) Page 11