He was a proud man, there was no doubt about that. Could she live with such pride? Could she hope to soften his manners? Or would she always be like Charlotte, attempting to cover for her husband’s deficiencies and appear unaware of those she could not cover? Mr. Darcy would never incur the ridicule Mr. Collins did, but he would never be widely liked, either. Elizabeth was indifferent to the opinions of people she disliked herself, like Miss Bingley and Lady Catherine, but she was accustomed to standing on friendly terms with her neighbors. Could she bear being thought proud—moreover, with being thought a fortune hunter, who married her unpleasant husband for his money only?
And yet she wondered if she could really send away a man like him. It was not that she was suddenly blind to his faults but that she was newly aware of his merits. Looking at him without prejudice, she felt there were many. Nor could she set aside the benefits to her family if she married him. What were the chances that she would ever have anyone but another Mr. Collins to consider in the future? If Jane had married Mr. Bingley, the situation might have been different. Their family would have been assured of support, and she would have been quite content to let her own life unfold as it may. But would even beautiful Jane ever marry now, heartbroken as she was? And could she ignore the real possibility that, married to Mr. Darcy, she might be able to help her beloved sister to happiness?
Saturday came at last. Elizabeth resisted all of Lady Catherine’s attempts to persuade her to stay longer, and she and Maria parted from Charlotte with many affectionate expressions. She hoped sincerely that her friend’s contentment would last, and that the well-meaning foolishness of her husband and the overbearing kindness of their patroness would not prove too much for her good sense to handle.
After half a day’s pleasant journey, they were set down at Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner’s house on Gracechurch Street, from whence, some hours later, Maria was carried off by her father. The family dined alone, enjoying each other’s company. Elizabeth longed eagerly to confide her news to Jane and decided, on reflection, to seek her aunt’s advice as well. Mrs. Gardiner was a sensible, even wise woman, and Elizabeth felt in rather dreadful need of counsel at the moment.
It wasn’t until late evening that she had a chance to speak of it. When the time came to retire, she invited Mrs. Gardiner to join her and Jane in their bed chamber, saying that she wished to talk about events that had happened in Kent.
“Aunt, Jane, I have something to tell you.” Elizabeth faced her two confidantes, twinkling a bit despite herself.
“Why, what is it, dear?”
“I am in receipt of a proposal of marriage.”
The women exclaimed. “From whom?”
“Prepare yourselves, my dears. You may actually be nearly as shocked as I was. It is Mr. Darcy.”
“Mr. Darcy!” cried Jane.
“Mr. Darcy of Pemberley?” repeated Mrs. Gardiner. “The same Mr. Darcy you dislike so much?”
“Alas, the very same.”
“But how is this? How could such a thing come about?”
“He was in Kent, you see. Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who is Mr. Collins’s patroness, is also Mr. Darcy’s aunt. Her house is only half a mile from the parsonage, and we saw him often with his cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam. Still I had no idea he liked me—much less loved me!—until he turned up at the parsonage one evening and proposed.”
“Then he does love you!” said Jane.
“Indeed—in fact he says he loved me in Hertfordshire too, but he thought my connections were unsuitable, so he left. My connections were just as unsuitable in Kent, but when he saw me again, he found himself helpless against my charms and proposed against all better judgment.”
“You speak flippantly, Lizzy, but I cannot believe you are really so unaffected.”
“No, Jane.” She sighed wryly. “I am not. That is very nearly what he said in his proposal, but I do believe he sincerely loves me. That Mr. Darcy, of all men, should fall in love with me! I can still scarcely credit it.”
“But you rejected him?” put in her aunt.
Elizabeth looked down, evading their eyes. “I did not reject him.” There was a startled silence. “Nor did I accept him. I told him I needed time to consider.”
Jane and Mrs. Gardiner exchanged glances. “I do not understand,” said Mrs. Gardiner. “You were so very set in your dislike. Would you have us believe your opinion of him changed so much while you were there?”
Elizabeth sighed again. “Up until the night he proposed, it had not. In fact, I was sitting there disliking him very much indeed. But somehow, the knowledge that he loved me made me reconsider his behavior. It is clear that I misunderstood him most of the time. I thought he meant to ignore or censure me when he meant only to admire. Might I have misunderstood him in other ways?”
“So you no longer think his behavior in Hertfordshire so reprehensible?”
“His manners were very bad—there is no denying that. But perhaps he did not intend them so. They were not much different at Rosings—though, of course, he could not ignore his aunt.” She smirked. “No one ignores Lady Catherine. He said something to me once there, when I was teasing him with having not danced the night we first saw each other. He said he was ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers. I did not allow him to have any excuse then, but perhaps there is something in what he said.”
“It is true that not all are as at ease as you are among people they do not know. You have a talent for easy conversation that not everyone possesses.”
“And it may be,” added Jane in her soft voice, “that it was because Mr. Bingley’s manners were so very open and amiable that you saw Mr. Darcy’s in contrast, and they appeared worse than they truly are.”
“I am sure you are right. Colonel Fitzwilliam is also a talkative, friendly man; compared to him, Mr. Darcy was taciturn and uncommunicative.”
“Did you find his company pleasant?”
“I had no desire to find it pleasant. I was quite determined to dislike him no matter what he did or said. Looking back I can say that he was quiet, but not uncivil; he was even rather gallant at times. I was distinctly impertinent on occasion, intending to anger him, but I never succeeded. He must like impertinent women, to have fallen in love with me. I have often tried to provoke him.”
“Only you provoked more than you intended.”
She sighed deeply. “Indeed I did.”
“But none of this explains why you are entertaining his proposal.”
Elizabeth took her time answering that question. She climbed off the bed and went to the dressing table, playing absently with the combs and brushes. At last she sat down and faced her aunt and sister. “I have discovered,” she began, “that while it was very easy to try to be uncommonly clever in disliking Mr. Darcy when my like and dislike had no consequences, it is not quite so simple now. Our mother,” she looked at Jane, “our mother is not very wise in how she deals with her apprehension for our futures, but her fears are not truly unreasonable. We are five daughters without dowry, living in the country where society varies little. If we do not marry, or if at least one of us does not marry very well, then we shall all be poor someday. I am not such a simpleton as to not see that Mr. Darcy is the kind of man who will likely never come in my way again. Jane, oh, dear Jane!” She stretched out her hand to her sister, who rose immediately to take it. “Unless Netherfield should be let by another gentleman with a fortune but no wife, what chance have we? What chance but the scarce resources of Meryton and a man too old, too low, or too unappealing to care about our lack of money? No one else can afford to take us, I am sure. And Mr. Darcy—well, Mr. Darcy is proud, yes, and I have despised him on purpose for it, but he loves me, and he would take care of all of us.”
“Oh, no, Lizzy!” cried Jane. “You must not marry him for our sakes! I would be miserable if I knew you had married a man you disliked for us.”
“Well, perhaps it would not be only for your sake,” she admitted, showing a dimple. “After all, i
f Mr. Collins had been as rich as Mr. Darcy, I still would not have accepted him! He and I could never be anything but miserable together. He never had any real affection for me, either, which Mr. Darcy does. And as reluctant as I was to admit that that gentleman had any merits, he has several which Mr. Collins most certainly does not!”
“Such as being uncommonly handsome,” said Jane, smiling.
“As any gentleman of ten thousand a year should be!” she laughed. “He is also intelligent, well-read, and sensible. I suppose, on the whole, I would rather have a husband who says too little than one who says too much.”
“But is he honorable?” asked Aunt Gardiner. “The account Mr. Wickham gave would argue not. How could you respect a man who did not behave honorably? Or has he explained that circumstance to your satisfaction?”
“I did not ask him,” confessed Elizabeth guiltily. “I was afraid to. But I have thought much of it, and I do not know that it is so simple as it first appeared. I do not understand Mr. Darcy yet, but I know he is not what I thought him. Jane, you never thought so poorly of him. Charlotte did not either. She said Wickham is not steady. Perhaps she is right. Perhaps it is one of those past things that is best left in the past.”
“Are you certain that you are not letting vanity override your principles, Lizzy? A rich and handsome man slights you: He is disagreeable and dishonorable. Now he admires you, and suddenly he becomes not only agreeable but also honorable again?”
Elizabeth sighed. “Oh, Aunt!” she said, “I’m not certain of anything except that I have wished for you both very much!” She sat back down on the bed, and both ladies sat beside her, twining their arms around her waist in support. “How does one decide such a thing? How does one choose between a man who is at least half of everything one has always wished for in a husband, besides decidedly richer, and an unknown, uncertain future? I am at least as afraid of regretting a refusal as I am of regretting an acceptance. I am beginning to have nightmares of sitting in a boarding house at sixty years of age, importuning my fellow boarders with tales of the fabulous suitor I once scorned! And yet to marry out of fear! To submit myself so completely to a man whose character I do not even understand!”
“I am proud of you for trying to approach the subject so sensibly, Lizzy,” said Mrs. Gardiner. “It is good that you have decided to put aside your past prejudices in favor of considering him as he really is. I have to say, though, that I should hate to see you in an unequal marriage.”
She looked at her in surprise. “I did not think you would see us as unequal because of our stations, Aunt.”
“I was not speaking of stations, although that may cause more troubles than you think. I was speaking of affections.”
“It seems to me that Mr. Darcy’s being in love with me is a point in favor of the match, not against it.”
“Ye-es. But . . .” She paused and took her niece’s hands. “I want you to listen to me very carefully, Lizzy.” Again she paused. “While I do not approve of marriages of mutual indifference, there can at least be understanding and an arrangement that suits both partners equally. In your case . . . I know that there is something very alluring in the idea of a man like that, a rich, powerful, handsome young man being passionately in love with you. It might seem pleasing now to have him at your feet and to enjoy the benefits of his devotion. But you may soon discover that if you cannot return his affection, his will become burdensome to you. A man in love can be very demanding, especially a man who is accustomed to having everything he wants. You cannot think you would have a marriage like your friend Charlotte Collins, who is able to fob her husband off and spend little time with him. Mr. Darcy will want a great deal from you, and I do not mean just in a practical terms. He does not merely want a mistress for his house or someone to take to social functions with him. He wants you—and that means your company and society, very often, throughout the day, and at night.” She looked significantly at Elizabeth, who colored.
“I do know that,” she whispered. “He made it clear himself.”
“If you loved him in return, this would be a source of great joy to you. But if you are merely indifferent—let alone if you dislike him!—such demands can only become onerous, and soon. Then his love, which right now seems like the most attractive thing about him, will quickly become a source of misery for you both.”
“You advise me to refuse him, then.”
“No, I cannot advise you one way or the other, but I do mean to caution you. Marrying him will solve one set of problems for you, there is no doubt about that, but it may also bring another with it.”
“What do you think, Jane?”
Jane looked doubtful and torn. “Oh, Lizzy, I have always said that one should do anything rather than marry without affection, but—poor Mr. Darcy! He must love you very much. I know Mr. Bingley had the very highest opinion of him; he cannot be such a bad man, nor so disagreeable, to have such loyal friends. And our mother would be made very happy by such a match—but not for the world would I have you marry a man you could not love!”
“My dearest sister!” Elizabeth smiled at her with great affection and laid her head on her shoulder. “You try so hard to consider the feelings of everyone at once, but in some cases it’s just not possible!”
“In regard to Mr. Wickham, you may be right,” said Mrs. Gardiner. “I liked him very much, but his behavior towards you and Miss King did not argue well for his character. Of Mr. Darcy I know nothing but what you have told me—but his father was a very good man, from his reputation. We can hope that he instilled some of those same principles in his son. I am very concerned though that you should be considering the proposal of a man for whom you have always professed such a decided dislike. Your family’s elevation will be purchased at a very dear price if you find him to be as bad as you thought him.”
“I am convinced he is not. Since his proposal he has been more open with me, and I saw—I think I saw glimpses of a man whom I do respect and could perhaps like very well indeed.”
“Does Mr. Darcy know what your feelings for him are?” asked Jane.
“I told him that I did not love him; it only seemed right.”
“It was very brave of you, Lizzy. Did he seem very unhappy about it?”
Elizabeth frowned. “When I first said that I could not give him an answer, he was certainly very surprised. By the time I came to actually tell him how I felt, I think he was expecting it. I gave him the chance to withdraw his proposal, but he said he did not wish to.”
“He is clearly very determined to have you,” observed Mrs. Gardiner.
“Yes, clearly. I do not know if I should be flattered or alarmed.”
“Well, I have given you all the warnings I can. On the side of encouragement, I would add that it is, indeed, very possible to grow to love your husband after marriage. Many happy unions have grown from little more than common respect. If you believe you can respect Mr. Darcy, and that he will respect you, then you have a good beginning. Happiness in marriage is often a matter of choice, you know. If you choose to think constantly on the faults of your husband, then you will find yourself discontent no matter whom you are married to. If, on the other hand, you choose to think of his virtues and to treat him with regard and consideration even when you may not feel much like it, then your felicity will continue to increase.
“My final piece of advice to you, then, Lizzy, is to not look back. If you decide to accept Mr. Darcy but then go on to treat him with contempt, you will be sealing your own fate—and his as well. It would be kinder of you to refuse him than to use your power over him to bring him misery. I believe you are too principled to show disrespect and disloyalty to your husband, but I thought I should mention it anyway. Remember, a woman takes on nearly everything about a man when she marries him—his name, his home, his life, his place in society. You will be Mrs. Darcy; if you do not think you can fulfill that role, with all of its responsibilities and duties, then you should leave it for another. Do you understand me?” El
izabeth nodded soberly, and her aunt embraced her. “My dears, I wish I could say that this searching of heart and mind is not necessary—that you will meet many agreeable young men who are worthy of you—but I simply cannot. None of us knows the future, but it is not in fact very likely. And you, Lizzy, especially, need an intelligent and strong-willed man to be your match. I would not prefer to see you with some man who is pleasant but weak.” She sighed. “Whatever you decide, your uncle and I will support you completely.”
Elizabeth, her heart too full for words, hugged both her companions, and for that evening all confidences came to an end.
Later, as she lay in bed with Jane beside her, she contemplated her aunt’s words. She was impressed, once again, with the solemnity of what she did and how completely she would give herself him. If she chose to marry Darcy, she did not just choose his wealth and prestige, she chose him. Her aunt was right: Her principles forbade a double-minded loyalty. She had little enough to bring to this union, not even her heart, but she would bring her will and determination to make it work as best she could.
And if she did not choose him? Life at Longbourn had its own trials. She loved her mother and younger sisters, but she could not deny that it would be a relief in many ways to get away from them. The prospect of unremitting years there, of her own youth fading into middle age as her mother continued to fret and declaim about her nerves, reproaching her constantly for her failure to marry Mr. Collins . . . well, it seemed very bleak all of a sudden.
She thought of Mr. Darcy again. Could she live with him? Could she be happy with him? As she had so many times, she went through her every encounter with him, seeing it with new eyes, allowing her changed perception to soften her judgments. Where she had frowned before, now she often smiled, though still shaking her head at that certain arrogant self-assurance that so often characterized him. He probably was not even aware of it, she thought now. Even the memory of his behavior on the night of the assembly made her laugh, thinking of its sequel. He was too proud, and his manners were not welcoming, but he was not so bad after all. She, perhaps, could draw him out, set him at ease, soften his tone by making him laugh. It was a challenge that rather appealed to her. Furthermore, when he touched her, she had not felt repelled, as she had with Mr. Collins. She did not love him; perhaps she never would. But when she remembered the passion in his eyes as he looked at her . . . would she ever meet another man who loved her like that?
Unequal Affections: A Pride and Prejudice Retelling Page 4