My hands are clammy. I’m sweating. My teeth hurt from grinding them together, the learned response before another blow comes to my face.
“Jenna?” Liam says again. I look at him and wish I hadn’t. The rage mixed with pity is the same look my father gave me the night he picked me up from my marital home. Somehow I think if I give him the okay, he’ll hunt down Damien and make sure he can’t bother me again. I’ll have to tell him the same thing I told my dad: I can take care of it, which is a lie.
I close my eyes and cry into my palms. Josie and Katelyn both hug me as I sob. I don’t mean to be like this, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to leave them but I have no choice. I won’t put them in harm’s way. They’ve all been so good to me, but this is the only option I have.
“I didn’t even know she was married.” I hear Harrison say.
“This is bullshit,” Jimmy says. I feel the table shift. “Jenna, who the fuck was that guy?”
“Her ex, JD, she’s already said.” Harrison answers.
“Yeah, I understand that, but what the fuck just happened? He was angry and he hurt her.”
“Jenna, you need to tell them before Jimmy goes crazy,” Josie whispers in my ear. I nod and wipe my tears. When I look up the guys are watching me, intently. Each one of them looks confused, but also angry.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “I was married to him for three years. I left one night when he went on a business trip.”
“Why?” Liam asks.
I open my eyes and look around the room. Josie and Katelyn nod, showing me that I need to tell them about my marriage.
“He uh…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “About three months after we got married, he hit me. It was a reaction to what I did to him and I believed it was an accident, except he did it again a few months later. Each time he did it, he’d hold me and tend to me and promised he’d never do it again.”
A bottle of water appears in front of me. I don’t know who put it there, but I say thanks to all of them. I take a long drink before I continue. “The night before he left for this week-long business trip, he beat me. Usually it was one or two punches, but this time he kept hitting and hitting. He said he was making sure I didn’t leave him for another man while he was gone, said that no one would want me if I were bruised.
“I waited half the night to make sure he wasn’t coming back and I called my dad. He took me to the hospital and to the police station, but all they did was take pictures. Damien’s best friend is one of the Sergeants on the force and he kept asking me who did this to me and when I told him, he just shook his head. The next morning my dad had all the necessary divorce papers drawn up. I signed and emptied our bank account and bought a one-way bus ticket across the country. We stopped in Beaumont and I didn’t get back on the bus. I thought I was far enough off the beaten path that he’d never find me.”
“Where are you from?” Jimmy asks.
I sigh. “Blaine, Washington. It’s a small town near the Canadian border.”
“Come on let’s go home,” Liam says softly as he stands. Harrison follows and comes to stand behind Katelyn. He wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek. Josie stays with me, her hand rubbing my back.
“Can someone walk me home?” I ask. As much as I want to say goodbye to everyone and I think it will be best if I just leave; I want to make it home first and pack a few things.
“Yeah, I’ll walk you back.” All eyes turn to Jimmy who stands there like what he just said is no big deal.
“She’s not going home, she’s coming to our house,” Liam announces. I open my mouth to protest, but he holds his hand up. “For all we know he’s been following you around and knows where you live. We aren’t taking any chances until we can get Paul to check him out.”
“Paul’s too busy with—”
“With what, doing police business? It’s his job and I know he doesn’t take too kindly to men who raise their hands to women. Come on, let’s go.”
Josie stands and takes my hand. Lights are switched off as we walk out as a group. I try not to look around and see if Damien is standing there, watching. I know he is. I can sense him crawling around on my skin. I huddle closer to Josie, trying to hide. It will be no use though. He’s found me now. He’ll find me again.
I climb into the backseat, followed not by Josie, but by Jimmy. Once the car doors shut and the dome light goes off, he slides his hand into mine. I know not to think anything of this. He’s just being kind, but it’s nice to feel his hand in mine. It’s almost like it’s the reassurance I need to leave my new family behind.
I lean my head on his shoulder. He doesn’t tense like I thought he would. He shifts so that I’m leaning on his chest. He holds me, stroking my hair. He kisses the top of my head. But as soon as I clutch his t-shirt he pulls away. I sit up and stare out the window, turning away from him. Someday when he decides to settle down, I have no doubt he’ll be a good husband to someone, although that someone will have to be at least ten to fifteen years younger to keep up with him. He won’t have a problem finding someone. The women flock to him, they desire him.
I rest my hand on my stomach and rub my thumb back and forth. This is the reason I need to leave. I need to protect my baby and I know its dad won’t be around so leaving won’t a big deal. Damien can’t know I’m pregnant. It will surely set him off. His face, full of rage, flashes before my eyes. He’ll kill me. I know this in my heart.
Jimmy reaches for my hand again, but I pull away. I don’t need his sympathy. I don’t want it. I was stupid to stay here for so long. It’s time to leave.
WE sit around. No one’s talking. Each one of us is on eggshells. Harrison is convinced we were followed. I didn’t pay attention. I was too busy being selfish and wondering why it’s okay for Harrison and Liam to comfort her, but I can’t. I pulled away from her hesitantly when she grabbed my shirt. I freaked out. But now she’s pulled away and I’m left scratching my head. She doesn’t know what that does to a man’s ego. Or maybe she does. By her I mean Jenna. I wanted to hold her hand, to let her know that I’m here, but she doesn’t want that.
I take one look around the room and walk to the front door. I need a break, a breather. The tension in the air is so thick a knife wouldn’t be able to cut it. I get that everyone is worried, but I’m a firm believer in letting the police do their jobs. Liam called his friend as soon as we got here and now we just wait for him to show up. Or for Jenna’s ex to show up, whichever happens first.
I’m hoping it’s the latter. I may have had my fair share of girls, but I would never hit them. That’s just something you never do. This bloke needs his motherfucking arse kicked. He needs to know what it’s like to get beaten up over and over again. I know I could do some damage. Harrison too. But if Liam ever gets hold of the little twat, he better fear for his life. Liam may be a former high school football player, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t keep up his physique this whole time. He’s always in the gym if he’s not in the studio. Makes a guy like me look like a toothpick.
Lights flash in the drive as I step outside. I sit down and wait for whoever to walk up to the front door. I swear to God, it better be their policeman friend because if it’s that loser I’m going to knock the ever-living crap out of the bastard.
The mysterious driver gets out of the car and heads towards me with his hand on his gun. Seriously? Does he think that I’m the idiot who just threatened his ex and am sitting on the step having a cigarette before I go in? Idiot. Maybe it’s true what they say about small time coppers.
“What’s your name?”
I stub out my cigarette and hold my hand out. “Jimmy Davis at your service. I’m not the guy you’re looking for, but I’d be more than happy to help you track him down.”
He shakes my hand, but keeps his other on his gun. He makes me want to roll my eyes at the stupidity. “Paul Baker. Liam called about a possible assault.”
“They’re inside. It’s a long story.” I point towards
the house. Officer Paul Baker leans sideways to look inside the front window. He won’t be able to see anything though; Liam is pretty strict about privacy. “Come on, I’ll take you in.”
I get up and put the cigarette butt back in my pocket so I can throw it away in the house. When I open the door I expect their talking to stop, but it’s still as quiet as it was when I came outside. Paul follows me into the living room. Liam and Harrison stand when we walk in.
“Come with me, Paul,” Liam says. Harrison follows. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m an outsider regardless of my status in the band. I don’t live here. I’m not with them every day. I stand on the in between, teetering back and forth. I want to be here for Jenna because I think she’s a top lass, but shit, what the hell am I going to do? Up and leave Los Angeles because this is where my band mates want to live? I live a life there, my mates are there. My dad and granddad are there.
I look around the room and see Josie and Katelyn, but not Jenna. “Where’s Jenna?” I ask for reasons I keep to myself.
“She’s not feeling well, so she went to lie down.” Josie answers. I look at the stairs and wonder what room she’s in. Could she be in the one I use when I stay here? She could be, especially since I told Liam I would stay in a hotel this time so he and Josie can have some privacy.
I nod and walk away. If she’s not sitting down here it’s not like I can go up and see her. I could pretend that I’m tired and that I forgot I was staying somewhere else. I could go and sing to her like my mum sang to me when I was sick. I don’t think she’d go for it though. I’m pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me. It’s easier this way.
I find the guys sitting around the kitchen table. They’re telling Paul what the dickhead looks like. I didn’t get a good look. All I saw was the black hat and long coat. Christ, I thought he was an agent. Instead he was biding his time until he could pounce on Jenna.
I pull out an empty chair and sit down. I guess this is probably the best place for me to be right now. I can’t offer support to Jenna without raising suspicion and right now neither of us need that.
“Did you get a good look at him?” Paul asks me.
“No, I didn’t. I saw him sitting there before we went on. I thought he was an agent. It wasn’t until I saw Jenna drop her tray that I knew something was up. But I froze. I should’ve beaten the crap out of him when I had the chance.”
“Me too,” Liam adds. “We didn’t know there was an ex until today or the extent of their relationship. If we had, you’d have him sitting in the back of your police car.”
“He has police connections too,” Harrison adds. Liam and I nod. “A friend on the force in Blaine, Washington, that’s where they’re from.”
“And you just learned all this tonight?”
“My wife’s known for a long time. She and Katelyn weren’t shocked at all when Jenna muttered the word ex.”
Liam looks like he’s deep in thought and it makes me wonder if he is thinking about how long it’s taken him to finally make Josie his wife. Once he got her back, he didn’t shut up about her. Not that we minded, we love her – it’s as if she’s always been a part of this adventure.
“I should probably talk to Jenna.”
“I’ll go get her,” I volunteer, probably too quickly. Liam and Harrison look at me like I have two heads. I try to play it off. “I have to use the bathroom anyway.” I excuse myself and take the steps two at a time until I’m on the landing. The door to the room that I usually stay in is closed. My steps are quiet, in case she’s sleeping. I knock softly.
“Come in.”
I twist the handle slowly and push the door open. The bedside lamp is on and Jenna’s lying on her side, holding her stomach. I can’t imagine what’s going through her mind right now. Is she holding herself because the memories are so vivid?
“Hey, Sweet Lips.”
She smiles softly. I like that I can make her smile with her nickname.
“I should ask why you call me that, but not tonight.”
“No, not tonight. Let’s save that question for another time, like when you can really appreciate my answer.” I sit down next to her and pull her legs onto my lap. I can be a good friend to her, maybe her best guy mate if that’s what she needs. “Josie says you’re sick, what’s wrong?”
“Flu,” she answers quickly.
“My mum used to give me tea and then she’d sing to me.”
“Did it work?”
“God, no. My mum can’t bloody sing and I can’t stand tea so it would make me feel worse. She liked to sing though because it would make me smile. Want me to sing to you?”
Jenna curls her arm underneath her head and looks at me. “You never take the lead on stage, how come?”
I shrug. “It’s Liam’s band. I joined after he and Harrison had already signed a record deal. I just do what I’m asked. It’s easier that way. Besides I’m more talented. I can play the guitar, piano and harmonica. I could probably bang out a decent beat on the drums too if I tried.”
“You want to sing to me?”
“Yeah, if it will make you smile, I’ll do it.”
“Okay then, let’s hear it.”
I clear my throat and try to say something, but nothing comes out. She laughs and although that was the reaction I was going for, I didn’t want it to be at my expense. “Give me a minute to think of something.” I act like I’m thinking. I tap my finger to my temple and think of some words I can throw together that will sound almost decent.
“Okay, ready?”
She nods.
“I’ve never felt like this before. I see our ship comin’ from the shore and that horizon in your eyes is like tobacco sunburst. After we set sail, there’s gonna be storms. Just don’t lose faith in me cause I’ll keep us on course. Remember this day, it’s written in the stars. We’re on our way to forever, girl it’s not that far…” I trail off and have to look away from her. I don’t know where those words came from; they’ve not only shocked me, but her as well.
She pulls her legs out of my lap and sits up. “Who wrote that?”
I shrug. I can lie and say I’ve heard it on the radio or say that my dad did or I can tell her the truth. “My dad,” I say. It’s the easy way out. “He used to sing it to my mum a lot that’s why I remember it.”
I get up and walk to the window, looking out to survey the area. Can someone climb up to the roof to get in? Chances are yes he could, if he’s determined, but Liam has a state of the art security system in place. No one is getting into this house if he doesn’t want them to.
“Anyway, the policeman is downstairs. I was supposed to come and tell you.” I don’t look at her before I leave the room. She doesn’t ask me to wait for her, even though I’m not expecting her to.
I open the door and head back into the hall. I walk down the stairs as quickly as I can. I need to separate myself from this situation. I just did something I’ve never done before and I’d rather forget about it.
I smell her perfume before I hear her coming down the stairs. I mistakenly turn to watch her walk down. The memories are there, but I fight them. I don’t need a reminder. I shake my head and walk to the front door. I need the fresh air to get my mind straight.
As soon as I sit down and light my cigarette the front door opens. I know it’s her. I close my eyes and will her away. I don’t understand why she’s hell-bent on torturing me. She sits down next to me and wraps her arms around her legs.
“You shouldn’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Smoke.”
I stub out my cigarette and blow my smoke away from her. If she doesn’t want me smoking in front of her, I won’t.
“Sorry, it’s a bad habit.”
“A lot of musicians smoke,” she says. She’s right, it makes our voices raspy and the girls love that shit.
“You’re supposed to talk to that guy in there.”
She looks back at the house. “He’s going to ask me out. He has in
the past, and I’ve always told him no, but I have a feeling he’ll say it’s for protection or something. I haven’t dated anyone since…”
“Tell him you have a boyfriend.”
“But I don’t.”
“So tell him I’m your boyfriend.” I don’t know where those words come from, but the look in her eyes tells me that she likes the idea. I want to take them back, but that would be an idiot move to make. “Just because you tell him we are, doesn’t mean we have to act like it unless he’s around.” I add, just to set the record straight so she doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“Okay.”
“Okay,” I say, knowing I’m totally fucked.
THE summer before my tenth grade year, I met Damien Mahoney. I was instantly in love. He was older and sexier, way sexier, than the guys at my school. That summer he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend until I was seventeen, so that was the only answer I could give. He’d meet me after he was done with his classes and walk me home. Each day he asked again and the answer would always be the same until he finally asked me why. When I told him, he sat on my front porch and waited for my dad to come home. I watched out the window, peeking through the curtains every few minutes wondering when he’d give up and go home. He didn’t.
I never asked my dad what he said to Damien. I was too embarrassed. The next day at school I found a note in my locker, “We can’t be boyfriend and girlfriend, but we can pretend.”
Hearing Jimmy say we can pretend means something else though. Damien wanted me. Jimmy doesn’t. He’s just doing it to be nice so Paul will back off. If I was smart I’d latch onto Paul and hope that maybe he’d be okay dating a pregnant woman. Maybe he wants to be a dad and wouldn’t mind taking on someone else’s child. I know in my heart that the baby’s dad won’t care. He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t even want a wife. Josie has mentioned it in passing one time too many. As far as unplanned pregnancies go, this takes the cake.
Finding My Forever Page 3