by Leah Holt
I had a best friend and sometimes we got into trouble, but it was never anything serious; not like this. My life was normal.
Was normal.
The thought made me cringe as a sadness crept in and stabbed my heart.
Now. . . Now there was no doubt in my mind that my life had just spiraled down a road I shouldn't have been on. I had taken a left when I needed to take a right, I had warped into some fictional story like Alice in Wonderland and I had the Mad Hatter sitting across from me, expecting an answer to his riddle.
But how I ended up in this hole was beyond me.
There were no answers, even Pax couldn't give me one thing to cling to. I was covered in patches of dirt, I felt gross and grimy, my body hurt from top to bottom. Sara was nowhere to be found and that rocked me.
Was she out there somewhere in his woods, cold and alone, searching for me?
Where's Sara?
Is she alright?
She's fine, I'm sure she's fine.
I couldn't allow myself to think like that. If I started that tumble of thoughts, I knew there would be no calming me down. The anxiety would eat me alive.
“I have a question.” Slurping another steaming spoonful of soup, I forced my eyes to steady on his.
Pax's lip twitched at the corner, curving down into a knowing frown. “You can ask me anything, I just can't guarantee an answer.”
Arching a brow, my eyes darted back to the safety of the bowl. “You said you didn't see anyone else when you found me, but did you see a car or jacket—fuck, footprints in the dirt, anything?”
His jaw rocked back and forth, head shaking side to side. “No, nothing, but don't worry about that right now, right now you just need to worry about eating and resting.”
Scooping up the broth, I let it roll off the spoon and back into the bowl. I didn't like his answer, I didn't like the fact that he claimed he found nothing but me. Was that even possible?
What if he's lying?
Furrowing my eyebrows, a tight crease formed across my forehead. “I don't believe you.”
Leaning forward, he reached out and pushed the bowl closer. “Eat.”
Dropping the spoon into the bowl, I let my arms fall into my lap. “Maybe I'm not hungry anymore.” I lied, I was starving.
Every bite, every spoonful of broth and noodles smothered that pain, filling the empty hole in my gut. I could feel my body springing back to life, growing stronger and more stable.
The weird shakes and shivers that I had felt in my fingers and legs were disappearing, my head was clearing up as the fog began to lift and fade away.
But I wanted more, I needed to know more. He had to know something, he just had to. I wasn't giving up on the idea that he knew more than he was willing to share. He called these woods his, if that was the case—shouldn't he know what went on in his home?
“I think you know something.” Veering my stare, I laid my palms flat on the table. “We need to go find my friend, I have to find Sara.”
Slicing the air with his hand, Pax leaned back in the chair. “No.”
“No—No! What the hell do you mean no!?” Slamming my hands down, I slapped the top of the coffee table. “I can't just sit here like this!” Throwing an arm towards the window, I yelled. “She's out there somewhere! She might need help too, I have to go—”
“No.” Snapping himself straight, Pax curled his hands into his lap and clamped his teeth. “You're not going anywhere right now, not tonight.”
“I'll do whatever the hell I want to. If you're not willing to help me, I'll go by myself.” Drawing in a thick breath through my nose, my nostrils flared. “You can't tell me what to do, I don't even know you.”
Who the fuck does he think he is?
He wasn't my father, he didn't own the right to bark orders at me or refuse to let me do what I wanted to, what I needed to do.
We both sat in silence, letting the air around us soil in an angry stench. His eyes flicked between mine, his lids heavy and half open. If he wanted to try and intimidate me, he could, but I wasn't going to give up.
The last memory I had, I wasn't alone. Sara was with me and I wasn't going to just forget that. It was all I had to go on, the only thing I could actually recall.
I was determined to find her.
A heavy sigh escaped his mouth as one of his massive hands cupped his chin and rubbed the thick scruff. “Vera, I'm willing to help you get the answers you're looking for, I'm willing to help you find your friend, but we can't do anything right now.” His eyes rolled to the window, staring off into the vast, black depth of night. “And I'm not doing anything until you're stronger.” Nudging the food closer, he sternly said, “Eat.”
He's right, you know he is.
I knew I couldn't run off into the darkness and search for Sara right then, it would've been stupid for me to even try. I just wasn't ready to accept that fact.
Acknowledging he was right made me feel like I wasn't doing everything in my power, as if I was giving up.
But that wasn't true.
It didn't mean I was giving up.
If what Pax had said was the truth, that I had been out cold for four days, and who knows how long I had actually been lost in the woods for, I had to eat, I had to rest.
“Fine.” Slurping a noodle off the tip of the spoon, the end came up and whipped me on the chin.
Pax let out a deep chuckle as he leaned in over the coffee table and ran his finger down my chin, wiping away the broth. “Good girl.” His tongue rolled over his bottom lip as he dipped his finger into his mouth and sucked it clean.
Inhaling a ragged breath, I jerked my eyes down away from his face. I knew I was blushing, I could feel the blood in my cheeks and a subtle throb where his finger had just grazed my skin. The ache in my belly disappeared, replacing with a stirring need for more.
Shit. . .
What the hell is wrong with me?
I didn't want to feel anything, not right then. How the hell could I be feeling like this?
I wasn't ready to let my body ignite for someone I didn't know while my world was stuck in this weird limbo I was still trying to figure out.
But my mind wandered, ignoring the past questions and reaching for the uncertainty of the man in front of me, reaching for what it craved and desired in the moment. I wanted to be touched, I wanted to be wrapped in the arms of someone who made me feel safe.
And for some unknown reason he gave me that. I couldn't explain why, maybe it was just his confidence, maybe it was how he showed a meek concern for me.
Maybe it's because he had cared for me when he didn't have to and the fact he had taken me in and given me shelter when he could have just left me to die.
Pax had a touch that was harsh and hands that were rugged, forged from manual labor and hard work. Every muscle that rolled and etched his body like hard stone was earned. It was easy for me to see.
You don't live off the grid this way if you can't handle the work that comes along with it.
There was a thick scar on his right forearm, one that he tried to cover up with bold black ink. But the light from the fire carved out the deep crevasse, highlighting it in a frame.
I wanted to know how he got it. Had he done it here, building his hidden treasure in the woods?
How long had he lived here?
Does he live alone?
Does he have a wife?
Swallowing hard, I tried to get my thoughts in order and ignore the small flame igniting between my thighs. Pressing my legs tighter together, I rubbed my palms against the outside of my hips. “How long have you lived here?” I asked, lifting up the bowl to drink the last bit of soup off the bottom.
Shifting in his chair, he twined his fingers together and tapped his thumbs. “Well, it took me two years to build this place and I've lived here for four. But all that time was worth it to make it perfect.”
My lids expanded, resting the bowl back down. “Wow, you seriously built this place yourself?”
Nodding yes, his face flushed with pride over his creation. “I did.” Letting his eyes drift around the room, he smiled at his accomplishment.
There was something about the idea of knowing that he had built this home with his own two hands that turned me on. A tingle swept through my body, forcing my muscles to twitch just below the surface.
I wasn't sure why it was so hot to imagine him dragging long beams of wood, sawing, hammering. . . But it made my sex heat to think of him sweating and dripping with a manly glow.
It was a turn-on and I had no way to stop the heat from coalescing between my thighs.
In college, all the guys—or boys, I should say—had their heads shoved so far in the books that not one of them would lift a finger to do anything for themselves.
But Pax, he was a real man. A man built off pure brute force, willing to do the work to reap the reward.
Fiddling with the handle of the spoon, I tapped it against the bottom of the bowl. “And you live here alone?” The question rolled off my tongue slowly, my voice scratchy and unsure. I wasn't asking just to make conversation, I was asking for myself.
I had to know if he was all by himself or if I should be expecting someone else to come walking through that door.
“Mm hmm, it's just me and the trees.” Smiling, Pax reached out and my heart stopped briefly as his fingers stretched in my direction. I waited for him to touch me again, to brush my skin with those rough, but gentle hands.
Someplace deep inside my soul I wanted to feel him against me, around me. . . In me. Holding my breath, my skin prickled with anticipation as his fingers came closer, then curled around the bowl, lifting it off the table.
“You want some more?” he asked, coddling the bowl in one of his bear-sized palms.
I sat still, just staring at him for a long second. I couldn't get my head to think straight as the prospect of his touch fizzled away to just a simple thought.
“No, I'm good.” I was grateful he had found me, I was grateful he wanted to feed me and make sure I was okay. But he had done enough. What I needed wasn't more water or food; what I needed, he wasn't ready to do.
And by the feel of my body and weight of my muscles, I wasn't either.
“Anything else I can get you?”
“No, thank you, I'm alright.”
“You sure? You can take a shower if you want to, it looks like you could use one.” His big brown eyes looked me up and down, a slight smirk tugged at the edge of his lip. “I was tempted to wipe you down while you were out, but I didn't think it would be a good idea.” Pausing, his face went stiff as he shifted his hips. “There's too much temptation in that.”
My breathing began to speed up at the idea of him washing my body and caressing all my most tender parts.
What the fuck body!
This isn't right, this isn't the time.
I wanted to see it as a sick perverted joke, I wanted to do what I would normally would have and shoot him down, giving him hell for even insinuating something like that.
But when I thought of Pax touching me, it was different.
In my head I was cursing him out for not doing it, for not waking me up with warm soapy water and a strong hand. My nipples stiffened at the idea, brushing the inside of my shirt and sending a chill up my spine.
“And that's a bad thing?” I asked as my lips thinned into a tight smile, eagerly waiting for him to flirt back.
Flirting with him should have been the last thing on my mind, it shouldn't have ever crossed my thoughts to begin with. I should have been screaming at him to stop fucking around, to take me to where he found me and to help me look for my friend.
But it didn't matter how much I talked myself down inside my own head, my body was winning.
Arching a brow, Pax cocked his jaw. “Don't do that.”
“Do what?”
“Don't tempt the devil with fire, Sweetheart, it won't end good.” His head tilted into his shoulder as his hand tightened around the bowl. I could see his knuckles drain white as he clutched the porcelain. “You have no clue what you'd be getting into.”
I wasn't afraid of him and his empty sexual threats. If he had wanted to take me, he could have, if he wanted to force me to have sex with him, he would have.
Pax wasn't that type of guy, I could feel it. I was out cold for four days, he could have done anything he wanted to me, but he didn't.
And trust me, I would have known if he had.
Of all the pieces of my body that ached, my sex was fine. I didn't hurt downstairs at all and there was no doubt in my mind that I would feel something, a soreness, a tickle of pain, something if I had just had sex for the first time.
I was sure that even being out cold wouldn't stop me from feeling different if my v-card wasn't intact.
“That seems to be the running trend I've got going on, getting into things I don't have a clue about.” Letting out a soft giggle, I sat back against the couch. “Why should I stop there?”
Clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, he shook his head side to side. “I'm warning you. . .” Pointing a single finger in my direction, he said, “You're going to get into more trouble if you're trying to play this game.”
“I'm sure I would, considering I've never been with a man before.” My eyes hovered under hooded lids, panties dampening to his sexual game.
I wasn't sure what was coming over me, I should have been cowering in the corner, hugging my knees and petrified that bad guys were out there looking for me and trying to get me.
But that thought was so far from my mind right then. All I could imagine was the man who had rescued me having his way with me, taking payment from body for all he had given me. It was a sick thought, but it still turned me on.
And from the look on his face, it turned Pax on too.
The lump in the center of his throat wobbled as he swallowed, his fingers were now ghost white against the black bowl. “You're dirty—and I don't just mean the way you look. You need to go, go into the room, go shower, go do something.”
Glancing down at my arms, I twisted them back and forth. “I could use a shower, but what if I need help? I—”
“Vera,” he snapped, cutting me off. “Go.” Pax stomped into the kitchen, dropping the dish into the sink with a loud ping. “Bathroom is right there, towels are in the closet.”
“Are you sure?”
“Don't make me repeat myself.” The dish clanked hard as his arms stiffly jammed into the silver basin. “Just go.” He didn't turn to look at me, he never lifted his eyes off the sink.
The air seemed to sour, his welcomed arms turned rigid, his eyes set like stone on the single bowl in front of him. I wasn't sure what the hell was wrong.
I thought we were flirting, I thought that there was maybe a sliver of something brewing between us. He was the one who had started this onslaught of sexual tension and dirty thoughts.
But maybe I had it all wrong.
Maybe I was taking it further than he wanted and reading too much into it. Maybe my emotions were so twisted I was falsely hearing sexual notes when they really meant nothing at all.
“Okay, I'm going.”
His shift in mood threw me off. Pax had taken me in and now he changed in an instant. As if my presence was a burden even though he was still giving me shelter, shelter I hadn't asked for, food I hadn't begged him to give.
I hadn't asked for any of this, he offered.
No, he insisted.
Pax had made the decision to harbor me like a wounded animal. I hadn't come to his door, groveling at his feet for him to save me. He carried me back here, he had heat in his eyes and an unrelenting stare; he started this, not me.
Shutting the door behind me, I turned on the water and let the steam fill the room. I didn't look in the mirror, I didn't want to.
I wasn't ready to see what I looked like or what condition I was in. If I wasn't ready to remember what the hell happened, what good would witnessing my injuries do?
; Slipping my dirt-covered clothes off, I stuck my wrist under the water. It was hot, turning my ivory skin a blushed pink as it ran over my skin. Stepping under the shower head, I let the water drench my hair, rolling over my shoulders and down my legs.
The water that pooled between my feet turned from clear to jet black. Bits of leaves and small twigs tumbled over my back and landed at my heels.
Holy shit.
I wasn't sure what I expected to happen in the shower, but it looked like I had just shed my skin and was morphing into a completely different person. The color of the water changed as I changed, transforming from the grungy soiled girl into the woman I knew I was.
I'm glad I didn't look at myself before.
There was this sense of relaxation that seemed to mesmerize me as the water beat down on my shoulders, massaging away the past few hours of tension. All my aches and pains seemed less intense, all the swelling and bruises seemed to lighten and shrink.
Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but I felt like I was washing away the weight of whatever I had gone through. My mouth started to move, the words of a song my mother used to sing to me flowed effortlessly over my tongue.
I needed that music, those words, the reminder that I was alive and my family was out there waiting for me. I felt recharged and invigorated, ready to hit this whole thing head on.
That was so far from the truth. Had I known then, right in that moment what was coming my way, I probably would've curled up into a small ball and wished the drain would suck me down with the nasty water it forced away.
But no amount of soap would be able to erase the wounds that would soon come in and cut me.
Nothing was what I woke up knowing. . .
And nothing would be what I wished I had remembered.
Chapter Five
Pax
What the fuck is she doing?
She doesn't have a damn clue.
I didn't want to snap at her the way I did, but she had no fucking idea what she was doing to me. There was no other answer but to send her away.