He couldn’t imagine a time when she might truly need or trust him again, not after what he’d done to her. Unlike him, at least her intentions in this mess had been good. She’d tried to help him and received only pain for her efforts. He shook his head, swallowing. His One, and he’d used his powers to harm her.
There was no excuse for him, and no hope for them. Not anymore. He couldn’t even blame Arthur for that. He’d done the damage himself.
He truly was a monster.
4
It was the tickle that woke her. Something soft and silky curled around her ankle. Jana’s eyes popped open, and she blinked several times.
Kyber. In cat form. Lying across the end of the bed.
He wrapped and unwrapped his tail around her ankle, his pale gaze locked on her, and she froze like prey before a dangerous predator. Swallowing, she leaned up on her elbows and he zeroed in on her breasts when the slick rishaami bedcovers slithered down her torso. She resisted the urge to yank them back up and hide herself. He’d seen everything she had to offer. Hell, there wasn’t an inch of her he hadn’t kissed, bitten, sucked, or stroked.
Still, something had shifted the night before, and they’d entered a new phase of their relationship. She just didn’t know what that phase was or where it put either of them. She didn’t know how to act around him anymore. Biting her lip, she glanced away and focused on where the fur on his silken tail brushed her skin. Gooseflesh rippled up her legs and she shivered.
Are you all right?
She forced a smile. “Of course I’m—”
Don’t. You don’t have to pretend with me, Jana. I saw the truth, I know what happened.
She took a deep, calming breath and gave him the truth—a truth she hadn’t allowed herself to admit since her brother died. “No, I’m not all right. Everything is not all right. But I hope I will be.”
Are you angry? Do you…hate me for putting you through what I did?
The questions weren’t as simple as they seemed at first. She made herself be brutally honest, to not hide from the bad things inside her. Was she angry? How could she not be? He’d used his powers against her to create a situation where she was forced to endure sexual degradations every day for months. God, yes, she was angry. And hurt. And betrayed.
Did she hate him?
Her eyes squeezed closed and she sighed. She wanted to hate him. God, she wanted to. It would be so easy. Too easy. It would solve nothing and would only hurt them both.
That was what it came down to, wasn’t it? Who’d hurt who and when. Who’d been more hurt. Who’d been hurt the longest, the deepest. They could hold on to those things and point fingers and cast blame. They could be angry and bitter and distrustful. They could continue to hurt each other in some twisted game of one-upmanship.
Or they could act like adults and get over themselves.
She’d hurt him. He’d hurt her. Okay. It sucked. A lot. But that was where they were at. Their bonding was never going to be what it was in the beginning, no matter how much they might want it to be. No matter how much she might want it to be, but she wasn’t that girl anymore, the one he’d found, the one he’d bonded with. And he wasn’t that man. They were different. Everything that had happened in the intervening months had changed them both forever. And maybe it had changed them too much, made them not the right people for each other anymore.
As much as she’d give to have prevented all of the pain and suffering they’d been through, to have had everything be okay, she didn’t want to be that old Jana again. She was a hell of a lot stronger than she’d been a year ago. She’d been broken and she’d survived. Barely, and not because she’d wanted to, but she’d survived. She had a long way to go before she was back on her feet, but not having to endure Arthur’s torment every day and knowing that it wasn’t some sick, masochistic tendency that had left her unable to put it aside would be a big step forward. What had happened would always mark her life, but now she could begin to heal.
A shaky breath eased out of her and she met Kyber’s gaze again. He hadn’t moved from where he lay at the end of the bed, but while she’d been entrenched in her own thoughts, he’d shifted back into his human form. He regarded her steadily, just waiting for her. The bond between them had narrowed enough that he couldn’t have read her thoughts, but he’d allowed her to process her feelings without interrupting or interfering.
“Yes, I’m angry.” She nodded hard to emphasize her point. “At you, at Arthur, at life, at everything. But I don’t hate you.”
His mouth worked for a moment before he spoke, and she could see his eyes dampen. “Thank you…for not hating me.”
She snorted. “It feels weird to say you’re welcome, but…you’re welcome.”
Pulling in a deep breath, he blinked away the tears and met her gaze head-on. “I’ll do what I can to reinforce the barrier between us so you don’t have to feel our connection, but…the block I put in place and removed last night isn’t the only wall in your mind, Jana. The others aren’t of my creation.”
“There are barriers besides just narrowing our bond?” Her eyebrows drew together, uncertain what he was getting at. “And I can make a psychic block in my own mind?”
“Everyone can. It’s what allows us to push things away, to gain emotional distance from what upsets us.” He forked his fingers through his hair, his expression pensive. “Think of it this way, the bond between us is like a tunnel. It’s still there, and it can be widened and narrowed, but we’ve each built a wall on our side to protect ourselves from each other. Even then, there are emotions and thoughts that seep through the walls. A One bond is the most powerful psychic connection for my people—destroying it is impossible, but that doesn’t mean we ever have to connect more than we do now.”
That made sense…kind of. She could feel a disconnect between their minds, but she’d assumed it was because he was trying to cut their connection. An ugly thought occurred to her, and she hesitated before she gave it voice. “Can we connect more than we do now? Is it possible to remove those walls?”
“I…do not know.” His hands lifted helplessly. “My powers allow me to ‘see’ these things, but even I can’t destroy the blocks you’ve made for yourself. It isn’t simply the wall against me, it’s the walls against everything. The defenses you shored up to stay sane these last months have also walled you into one corner of your mind.”
“Yeah, I have a lot of shit to deal with.” Dark humor swept through her at that simple truth.
He gave her a crooked smile but didn’t say anything.
She let what he’d said process, trying to see where all of this left them. “So, if we…if we can’t break down the walls between us, then our bond isn’t really a One bond.”
“No.” He sighed. “Our bond at this point is probably no more powerful than those between couples who are not Ones.”
Maybe that was for the best for both of them. She compressed her lips to keep from crying, forced herself to meet his gaze and make the offer that might give him the chance to heal, too, with or without her. “I did manage to hear some of what you were thinking last night, and you might be right about me staying on Earth when you leave.”
He choked a bit. His fingers curled around the same ankle his tail had, his violet eyes devoid of any sparks at all. “I understand. You’ll…need to stay here until it’s safe for you to go down to the planet.”
“Right. It all comes back to Arthur, doesn’t it?” Tears welled in her eyes and she stared up at the skylight for a moment, blinking rapidly. He hadn’t even tried to convince her to stay with him. It was one thing for him to feel guilty for what he’d done, but another thing to love her again. Regardless of what he had done, she was still a woman who cheated on him with his worst enemy. A man who had spent months torturing him. Could Kyber ever love or trust a woman like that? She doubted it.
“Yes, it does come back to Arthur.” Kyber’s breath whooshed out of his lungs and his fingers tightened on her ankle. “He mu
rdered thousands of innocent Sueni people. He shattered my life, and you’re the only one I know who understands exactly what that means.”
She did know. God, did she ever. She swallowed hard, wanting his arms around her so badly she ached. “Come here.”
He rolled to his hands and knees, crawling up the bed until he lay next to her. Wriggling closer, she wrapped her arm around his lean waist and rested her cheek on his chest. His heart beat frantically under her ear, a fine tension running through his muscles. She closed her eyes and stroked her hand up and down his chest in soothing circles.
“I’m sorry I said those horrible things to you.” She blinked back the tears that welled in her eyes. “I don’t think you’re a monster, and I don’t think what Arthur did is your fault.”
“Thank you for that, too.” Turning his head, he kissed her forehead. His fingertips trailed up and down her naked back. It was delicious to have his hands on her again. Not demanding, not greedy, angry, or taking, just enjoying the feel of her. She’d missed that, missed the quiet moments with him as much as she’d missed the implicit trust that had coupled the intensity.
They’d never have that back again, and the time she had left with him was fast fading. Everything was still mixed up and confused in her head, but it had hurt to hear him think that he shouldn’t keep her, that they were too damaged to have any hope of a future. She wasn’t even sure he was wrong. If it might not even be possible to reopen their One bond, then how was she any more useful to him than any other woman? She wasn’t even Kith. She had no special powers or gifts that might help him rule Suen. It might even be better for him to find someone who was powerful in her own right, who could give him an easier bond that wasn’t weighed down by the tragedy they shared.
It might even be better for her to walk away from this mess forever. Painful, yes, but maybe better in the long run to cut her losses. She just didn’t know what to think anymore. Until she straightened things out for herself, she was content to hold him and be held by him. His heartbeat steadied under her cheek, the tension melting away as he cuddled her closer. She curled her thigh over his, closing her eyes to savor this new place with him. It wasn’t where they’d started, it wasn’t where they’d been, but it wasn’t bad. It was nice. It felt good.
It was enough. It would have to be. It might be all she had to remember him by.
“Lower the temperature a bit.” Arthur’s calm, chilling voice held a note of steely command. “We wouldn’t want him to get too comfortable.”
Shudders wracked Kyber’s body from the bite of the already frigid air on his naked skin. Little clouds puffed from his nose and mouth every time he exhaled. He knew it was a dream, a nightmare, a memory, yet he couldn’t rip himself from it.
It was worse when Arthur was there. It was always worse. There were beatings every day, needles filled with drugs that burned his veins, the constant cold that froze him to the bone, and the squeal of white noise hammering his eardrums. But when Arthur came, it was worse.
A feral part of Kyber knew the older man wanted to establish himself as the dominant beast, liked that he could be there himself to keep Kyber helpless and on his knees. Arthur’s pleasure at Kyber’s pain made him snarl, his fangs elongating. He lunged at the man, the heavy chains ripping into his flesh.
“Eager this morning, aren’t we? Your wife was eager this morning, too, when I fucked her.” Arthur’s chuckle echoed in the room, echoed through Kyber’s mind. He struggled against the nightmare, but it was no use. Locked tight in its grip, he could only play it out to its inevitable end.
Arthur plucked a heavy baton from one of the guard’s belts, stepping into the small room to circle his prey. Terror made Kyber’s heart hammer against his ribs. His chest heaved with each breath, cold sweat running down his chilled skin. Arthur ran the tip of the heavy stick over the back of Kyber’s shoulders, ratcheting up his anticipation, his dread, of the agony to come.
He gritted his teeth, wrestling with his fear, embracing the hate that darkened his soul. He met the man’s gaze, saw the cold, calculating insanity in the dark eyes that stared back at him. “Enjoy it now, bastard. I’m going to kill you someday. I’ll win, in the end.”
Then it began.
The first hit crashed into the back of his head hard enough to leave his ears ringing. The next caught him at the small of his back, forcing his body to arch in reflex. Arthur laid into Kyber’s back, leaving a latticework of streaking fire in his wake. Kyber couldn’t keep back the groan of agony when the heavy wood slammed into his kidneys. He’d be pissing blood for a week, and his body twisted away from the source of his misery. The baton came down on his thigh, and he screamed, the sound not human, but pure feline fury. Arthur shoved the point of the stick into Kyber’s belly, laughing when he gagged.
The pain crested as the strikes came too fast for him to tell where one ended and the next began. Nothing was spared, his arms, legs, ass, back, and face all took hits. His lips split and blood gushed from his nose. His eyes began to swell shut, limiting his vision to tiny slits of light. His muscles burned as he fought against his bindings, wild as a caged animal, lashing out with his fangs and feet and claws. Arthur continued to laugh at the futile efforts. He whipped the baton around, jamming it into Kyber’s balls.
His stomach heaved, and he vomited up blood. The copper taste filled his mouth, the chains rattling as he jerked against their hold, his mind no longer in control of the spasms that ripped through his limbs.
Through the convulsions he saw Arthur coming toward him with a long wand that would send electricity shooting through Kyber’s body.
“Kyber!” The door to his office whooshed open, and he was on his feet, fangs and claws bared, a roar wrenched from his throat as he spun to confront the intruder.
Jana skidded to a stop in front of his desk, her gray eyes wide. “You had the nightmare again.”
Yes, and they were coming with more and more frequency. He didn’t say anything, didn’t trust his voice to respond. Beads of sweat slipped down his face, reaction shaking through his muscles. His instincts sent him conflicting information. Kill the threat, claim the mate. Her scent beckoned to him, sweetly intoxicating. His cock hardened to the point of pain in mere moments and he dropped back into his chair, nudged himself closer to his desk, and hoped it made his condition less obvious. He tried to shove away both the ugly memories and the feverish desire.
He was slowly going mad. He hadn’t touched her in almost three weeks, determined to allow her time to heal, to come to terms with all that had happened without any physical demands from him.
He knew it was the right thing to do, knew he had no right to lay a hand on her ever again, but that didn’t stop the cravings of his body, the clawing need that frayed his control.
The feral side of his nature was not enjoying being leashed again, but he needed to find some kind of internal balance. Logic and emotion, beast and psychic, they were both part of him, as Farid had said.
Kyber’s hands fisted where they rested on his desktop and he bit back a groan when she drew closer. The traditional rishaami gown she wore clasped at one shoulder and left one arm bare. The gown made her look every inch the Sueni empress.
The door swished open again, and her new assistant stepped into his office. Kyber had insisted on her taking the young Kin as her personal secretary. Partially because she would need the help now that his advisors and assistants were again working for him instead of her, and partially as a safety precaution. The young Kin had had extensive warrior training and was considering a career as a Guardian. And Kyber also wanted to make sure she always had someone with her. A shudder ran through him at the thought of how close he’d come to losing her. Another moment, a single heartbeat later, and he would have been far too late.
The last few weeks had been frantically busy for her, he knew. He’d taken the fetters off his staff, stopped trying to prove he could do everything himself, and now she had more work than she knew what to do with. He wanted
to show her that he trusted her to be his empress. She was needed, she was useful, she had a place here if she wanted it.
If she wanted him.
If they could break down the walls between them. He’d tried, thrown himself against his own wall, but had made no more than small cracks and chinks in the barrier. It was more than just the hurt they’d caused each other. It was Arthur, it was the guilt, it was…everything. Could she ever trust that he wasn’t a monster who would hurt her again? He didn’t know. Even if they were both willing, he wasn’t sure they could connect again. Not fully.
He could only pray to Anun that she would be willing someday, would choose not to remain on Earth, would give them the chance, the time to see if they could rebuild what had broken. But he felt the moments slipping between his fingers. As soon as the Arjuns’ Earthan sources confirmed a location for Arthur long enough to attack, the fleet needed to leave. They had to get back to Suen. They’d been gone too long as it was.
Jana braced her hands on his desk and leaned forward, recapturing his attention. She glanced at her assistant. “Would you give us a moment, please?”
“Of course, Your Majesty.” He bowed to them both and withdrew, closing the door behind him. Kyber sent a mental direction to the ship to lock the door.
She wandered over to the wide windows that lined the wall behind his desk. “Just now, you were thinking about how you need to get back to Suen.”
“Yes.” He’d widened the cord between them as much as he could, but with the barriers at each end, only the occasional thoughts flowed back and forth between them. Unless, of course, they felt something strongly, like a vivid nightmare. He pushed down the horror that curdled in his gut. He rubbed the back of his neck, his hair tangling in his fingers. “First, we need to remove General Arthur from power. Bren and Farid are looking for opportunities to get close to him.”
Primal Heat Page 24