by D. Love
The ceremony is short. We now have matching wedding bands and last names. For the first time ever, my life is filled with joy. We return to the hotel and spend the rest of the night sharing our love as Mr. and Mrs. Jett Conner. Falling asleep with her naked body in my arms is more magical than I could ever imagine it being.
In the morning, we begin our travel back to start our lives as a family. I plan on asking Rye if she will let me legally adopt Em, so that our daughter will never have to be without the one thing she wants: a dad. I even hope to change Emily's last name soon. I want her to be my daughter in every way possible. My to do list is longer than my leg to fulfill, but I will work on it little by little. Most importantly, I want to make sure both of them are always taken care of, no matter what happens.
Chapter Twenty-One: Rye
We arrive at home about four in the evening. I’m drained from all the travel and the excitement of the past few days. Mark picks us up at the airport, making jokes all the way home about married life and how his first years of marriage were the best almost every night. Jett keeps him laughing. I am pretty sure we serve off the road a couple of times, while Mark was in the midst of his laughing fit. Jett has a new nickname in the family now: Mr. BBQ.
As we all get out of the car, I am shocked that no one has come to meet us outside.
"Where is everyone?" I ask Mark, disappointed not to see Em.
"Probably in the house," he answers. "Go on in. I’ll get the luggage."
"No way, man. I’ll help," Jett insists.
"Thanks, BBQ. I appreciate it."
Jett rolls his eyes, and I smile.
The house is still quiet, too. I yell for Em then Mom and receive no response. I’m starting to get mad at this point.
"Where is everyone at, Mark?" I demand.
Before he has a chance to answer, Rily barks from the backyard. I go to the back door and open it, stopping in place.
Friends, family, neighbors … everyone I’ve ever known seems to be gathered in the backyard.
"Surprise!"
"Congratulations!"
Lights are strung through the trees. A radio plays soft music, and there’s tons of food. I walk through the door, thrilled by the sight. Em barrels towards me and tackles me. Sadly, she knocks me over, and Jett tries to catch us. Instead, we end up taking him out, too. We land in a heap and lay there, laughing. The excitement draws Rily, who comes by to finish the job by licking all our faces.
"Mama, Nana says you and Jett are married," Em exclaims.
A tremor of anxiety goes through me. "Yes, honey, we are. How does that make you feel?" I hold my breath after I ask the question, but her squeal leaves me no doubt how she feels.
"Oh, Mama, I am so happy!" She flings her arms around me first then stretches to reach Jett, who’s at the bottom of our family dog pile.
We slowly get up, and the others come over to hug us. Everyone is overjoyed, even Madison.
"You’re my grandfather, now," Em proclaims to him.
"That’s right, Em," Madison agrees. He rubs the top of her head, smiling.
It’s another perfect moment. First, the awards ceremony, then Vegas and now, this. I’m going to burst with happiness. Katy approaches, Angie in her arms.
"I’m so happy for you, Rye!" she says and hugs me the best she can. Angie helps and wraps her chubby arms around my neck.
"I missed you both," I reply.
Mom wraps her arms around all of us. Her happiness is second only to mine this night. I’m exhausted, though, and when the initial excitement winds down, I tell Mom I’m going to lie down.
"I’ll see you in the morning, honey," she replies, kissing my forehead. "Don’t worry about Em. School’s out, so no worries about her staying up late. Just get some rest. It’s been a long few days for you."
"The best few days of my life," I say.
Her eyes sparkle.
As I walk into the quiet house, I relive the weekend, from the night I was a princess to the dog pile with my family.
I am one lucky woman.
The summer months pass with dizzying speed, and it’s autumn before I know it. I’m deteriorating, but not too badly. At least, not as much as I expected. Life with Jett keeps my spirits high. He’s the most incredible man on the planet: caring, strong and sweet. Some days, I almost let myself believe that he’s the miracle that will save me.
But I know that’s not true. As dreamlike as my life has become, I am still on a path that won’t change, no matter how much I want it to or how happy I am every day I spend with Jett and Em.
Upon our return from Las Vegas, Jett and I talked about it in-depth and decided to stay with Mom instead of moving into Jett's house. Em was already settled there and has friends at her school. She’d have to start over at school, if we moved to Jett’s, and we didn't want to interrupt her daily routine. Jett and I also talked to her about the adopting process. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted it to happen, but I wanted it to be something she wanted as well.
Of course, she wasn’t just agreeable, she insisted Jett do it. She practiced writing her new last name for days and for an entire week in August, would get mad at anyone who didn’t call her Ms. Conner.
Throughout it all, Mom has continued to take me to my treatments. Jett maintains that it’s important that we stay on our schedules, too. Life is incredible – like a dream come true.
It’s a warm, fall day in early September when we head to the doctor’s for another MRI. I’m due for a full check-up, as well, which I look forward to as much as I do my pills each night. A couple of days ago, I had my blood work done. I’m still waiting to hear results. I’ve been more tired than usual the past week and have experienced an increase of nosebleeds.
These aren’t good signs, but I’ve remained focused on the positive parts of my life as much as possible. It’s why I want Jett not to meet us at the doctor’s, even though he insists it’s his husbandly duty to do so. I’d rather he not know how bad it’s getting, so maybe he can be happy a little longer.
Katy comes by with Angie to watch Em while Mom and I are the doctor’s. On the drive there, I think mostly about Em and how well she is doing with all the changes in her life. Rily was a great addition to our family. I’ve overheard Em confide secrets with her dog, and even glimpsed her trying to show the impatient puppy her closet with its living journal taped to the back wall. The adoption paperwork was expedited by Mom’s lawyer; as of yesterday, Em is officially Jett’s daughter.
The sight of Jett waiting for us in the oncologists’ parking lot eases some of my worry today. He jogs over to open my door takes my hand to help me out of the car. Walking to the office he tells Mom something about how he has decided to rent his house out, and tenants should be moving in next week.
I’m nervous, so I don’t pay much attention. My focus is making it through the MRI and whatever news the doctors have with some level of dignity. I hate crying at the doctor’s office. I mechanically follow a nurse to the locker room, where I strip out of my clothes. I barely hear Mom when she says they’ll be waiting for me.
The MRI takes half an hour.
"When you’re ready, go ahead and have a seat in the lobby, until the doctor is ready to see you," the nurse instructs me. She’s pretty, younger than me with dark blonde hair and bright lipstick.
I nod. I’m too tense to say much and hope she understands I don’t mean to be rude. I return to the lobby. Mom and Jett both hop up.
"Well?" Mom asks anxiously.
"We have to wait on the doctor," I tell her. I try to smile, but it’s so hard.
We make small talk in the lobby, waiting almost an entire hour before the nurse calls my name. We all follow her to the doctor’s office, at the end of a hallway of quiet exam rooms.
He looks busy, seated behind his desk and scribbling into one of a stack of medical files. Jett knocks lightly.
"Hello," the doctor says, raising his head. "Please, come in."
We do. He fiddles with
his pen. I sense bad news and take Jett’s hand.
"I wish I had something more encouraging to share with you," the doctor says at last. "I’m afraid the tumor has grown."
I seem to be the only one who isn’t surprised by the news.
"Also, Ms. Sil – excuse me, Conner, your white blood cell count is too low."
"I understand," I whisper.
"Meaning …" Mom prods.
"White blood cells are what protect the body against the infection and are key to the immune system," the doctor explains. "Chemotherapy has reduced Rye’s cell count to the point that she’s at risk from infection. The treatments are weakening her immune system too much."
"We’re stopping the treatments," I guess.
"It is my recommendation that we do stop the treatments," he agrees.
Mom is too shocked to speak. Jett is pale. Mom’s mouth drops open, as if she’s going to speak, closes, then opens again. Jett beats her to it.
"So, what are our options now, Doctor?"
"At this point, I would say that we try to work on getting Rye’s blood count back up and then return to treatment. Or," he pauses. I can see this is difficult for him. I’m grateful to have a doctor who cares. "Or, we can work on just making her comfortable."
"Are you trying to tell us, that there’s nothing more we can do?" Jett asks, a note of anger in his voice.
" I will be honest with everyone," the doctor says. "It depends on how much more suffering you want for Rye and how much she’s willing to undergo."
I knew this day would come, but it still shocks me.
Mom has tears streaming down her face. When she sees me watching her, she dries her eyes.
"Don’t worry, honey, we’ll figure this out," she assures me.
Jett, on the other hand, begins drilling the doctor, agitated to the point of shouting. Like Mom, he’s in denial.
Maybe I am, too. Or maybe, I just wanted the past few months to continue forever. Hearing Mom beg the doctor and Jett yell, I can only really think of Em. Of leaving her. Forever.
I can’t listen to anymore right now. I get up and leave. I pick up my new prescriptions from the nurse and walk into the warm, sunny, beautiful September day. I can almost breathe deeply out here. White clouds that resemble stretched pieces of cotton amble across the bright blue sky.
The world outside the doctor’s office – and my head – makes sense to me.
Mom rushes out after me.
"Rye, where are you going?" she demands. Her words are tight from crying.
"Mom, I need to go now, please," I reply.
She hesitates, then clicks the unlock button on the car’s remote.
"I’ll follow you guys home," Jett calls as he trots out of the doctor’s office. "Don’t worry, Rye. We’ll fix this." He opens my door for me and manages to smile.
"We can’t fight what’s meant to be," I whisper.
Pretending not to hear me, he shuts my door. We head home. Mom tries to talk to me, to tell me there have to be options. Different treatments, doctors, and so on. I don’t respond. My thoughts are on Em again and how I want to spend time with her.
When we get home, I immediately look at Em.
"Come on, honey. Show me what you’ve taught Rily," I tell her.
Katie, Mark, Mom and Jett are all talking in hushed tones as Em and I go out back. Oblivious, Em grabs my hand, telling me about everything she and Riley did today. I try to pay attention, but all I can think about is how beautiful Em is. How soft her hand is in mine, how blue her eyes are.
I’m going to miss her.
I have no idea how long we stay outside, but it prevents Em from overhearing what the others are saying. I have a feeling Katy and Mark are going to be as far in denial about this as Jett and Mom. I don’t let myself dwell on them and watch Em and Rily play together. Riley was a perfect gift for her.
Everything happens for a reason. This time, the saying clicks. I get it now. Emily received Rily at the perfect time, to help her through this and eventually, to heal. Jett came into my life to take care of Em, when I’m gone but also, to become my own tiny miracle. How many people never know true love? How many people spend their last days as I have? In heaven?
"Why are you all in there talking about everything and crying over no other options?" It’s Mark’s voice. He’s near enough to the door that I can hear him. "We should be out here valuing what time we have with her, Katy. Just because the doctor says there is nothing left that he can do, doesn't mean we can't do anything. We can be a family with the power of love to give us strength and go through this together. What about making memories? We still have something we can do." He’s upset.
"You’re right, honey. I will go get everyone," Katy replies. By her hoarse voice, she’s been crying.
"Babe, let's give her the best time possible, while we can. Happiness can never fail to be the right choice, and love can carry us through this."
I’m touched by his words. He’s right. Happiness is a choice, one I made a few months ago, when I welcomed Jett into my life. My mother is living proof of how will alone can get someone through an experience that no one should go through.
Everything happens for a reason. I could’ve walked away from Jett, but I didn’t, and the past few weeks have been the best of my life.
Through every word, I could hear Mark’s voice almost breaking. He is the backbone of our small but beautiful family. The back door opens, and Mark’s boots scrape the wooden steps. He sits down beside me on the ground. He wraps his arm around my shoulders. After a few minutes of silence he speaks.
"I guess your friend got the upper hand, huh?"
His morbid sense of humor strikes me as funny. No, hysterical. I burst into giggles then outright laughter. Mark knows how to take life’s blows with a wicked wit, and I love him for that. He is the only one brave enough to talk to me directly about my tumor much less call it my friend. He and I were still laughing when everyone else joins us, seating themselves on the ground around us.
Mom raises her eyebrows inquisitively, appearing both curious and horrified that we’re out here laughing at a time like this.
"What did we miss that’s so funny?" Jett questions, equally puzzled.
"Nothing," Mark says. "Just a private joke between me and my sis."
We exchange a look and start laughing again. When I’m too breathless to laugh more, I rest my head on Mark’s shoulder.
"Thank you," I say quietly.
He squeezes my shoulder in response, letting me know he hears me without speaking.
My family sits with me for a while, watching Em, Angie and Rily run around chasing each other. Em puts a nonsensical play on for us, using Rily and Angie as her poorly trained actors. We laugh through it then clap at the end. They end their show with a bow, which brings more applause for them.
As I sit here, everything starts to sink in. I start to shake, not because it’s cold but because I’m afraid. Fear is one of the hardest emotions to conquer. I don’t think it is possible to defeat it, just to bury it with more positive emotions and live with it.
Like my tumor. I’ve been afraid since the day I was diagnosed, but I managed to live a happy life and not let my fear – or my friend, as Mark might say – determine the course my life took over the past two years. No, I made a choice to live each day to its fullest, to be as happy as I could be, for my sake and the sake of my family.
But right now, I’m not just realizing the end is near. I’m realizing what that means. I will never hold my loved ones ever again. I’ll never see Em’s smile, or feel Jett’s arms around me or sit around the table saying grace with my family. I’ll never learn to make another recipe from Mom or try to make sense of Angie’s baby babble.
The thoughts are uncontrollable at this moment. The fear in my soul is cold, lonely and desolate. It creeps through my body, starting in my stomach then rolling outward.
"Hey, Jett, your woman needs a blanket," Mark calls, feeling me shiver.
"No,
I’m okay," I say quickly. "I think I just want to lie down."
Jett and Mark both jump up to help me up.
A new thought brings me more sadness. Knowing my family will endure pain, even after I no longer do. This is harder on them than it is on me. I want to find a way to make this easier on them. I’m not sure it’s possible, but I want that to be my last gift to them: some level of peace.
I make it to my room and lie down. I’m fighting the fear and sadness. It’s hard, but seeing my family seated around me in the backyard gives me a reason to do my best to push away the crippling emotions. They’re self-serving, and the last thing I want my family to remember about me is that I was scared and in pain.
No. My new mission is to dig deep, find my strength and give them something positive to remember me by.
I slowly stop shaking. The fear is still there, as always, but it’s subdued once more. I can’t let that beast get the best of me. There are too many people who need my strength. I owe them that, after all they’ve done for me.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Jett
I guess I’ve always known deep inside that one day, we’d have to face this very day. I don’t care how much you tell yourself that you’re prepared for it, you aren’t.
Hearing the words, there’s nothing that can be done, is like being punched right in the solar plexus, the way we’re trained in the military to hit an enemy. It knocks the breath straight out of you. In the following days, the world becomes surreal, like I’m stuck between two realities: the one that existed before that fateful visit, where life was wonderful, and the one that will exist too soon.
It takes all my willpower to get through just one more day, trying to fill that day with happiness and memories when I want to crawl in a corner somewhere and cry. I can’t help but think that even in that corner, there will be nothing that can stop this pain.
Mind over matter. Will over reality. I can’t give up, not when my heart and soul are on the line.
Not long after the visit that left us devastated, Dee and I go to see the doctor to see if there are any additional options he can think of, even experimental trials that might work.