by Moore, Gabi
I’ve deliberated about this sort of thing quite a bit while testing the waters. I suspected that the most potent source sperm had to be fresh from the body of someone who truly loved you. Most people that I fuck don’t love me. I deal most commonly in the realm of lust. In order to test my theory, I needed to find sincere, to the core, I offer you my soul, love.
Usually that type of love requires a commitment, but I knew where I could get that kind of love for less than 20 bucks a hit. One of my rules for personal play was never buy sex, because when you do that you tend to cheapen yourself. I thought that maybe this once… it might be worth the front cost in the name of experimentation. All I needed to do was find that candy-flipped queer, Thomas. Then I could pick an easy mark, and let the chips fall where they may.
“Lectricland, here we come,” I thought to myself while slicking my hair back in the mirror.
Cute little skulls and bats adorned the outside of my mirror, and I thought my jet black hair looked stunning against the fabric of my suit. If I could suck my own cock with any sort of efficiency, I probably would. I had a much more fun directing my attentions toward others. I enjoyed the feeling of having another soul wrapped around my finger — or dick for that matter. The sense of control was delicious.
I snapped my teeth at myself in the mirror, and grinned at the sight of my own pearly whites. Narcissism had to be my favorite game of all time; I was damn good at it.
***
I walked into the club like “Everybody want’s to be like me” / “Everybody wants to get with me”. Riding the high of my own attitude, I swayed my ass while I wagged my finger at the gawkers.
“Sorry hun, Looking for someone special, and it ain’t you,” was the message written on my heart.
I was in absolute control, and I loved it.
I didn’t have to say any of these things, that was the beautiful part. When you’re on your A-Game, you don’t need to put up or put out for anybody. The world revolves around your dick, and that’s all there is to it. Even if it’s not true, our society is so pathological that people find those sort of characteristics to be magnetic.
“Lost in the wilderness, let my cock show you the way,” I thought to myself, while half-scanning the densely populated and colorful floor of Lectricland.
I knew who my mark was, and I knew I wouldn’t have to try too hard to point them out. Never hurts to put out a few positive vibes though. As long as the show was for future potential victims, and not for my own ego. One of the primary rules of running the show in a social context is that you can’t ever sip your own cool-aid.
Know what I mean?
The moment you start believing in your own shit, is when you get lost. The whole point of being able to project a belief system was so that I could sway those around me who are more weak willed into becoming subservient to my direction. If I started to believe my own shit, then I would be forced to make implicit ethical decisions based on the values that I had propagated. People who lived with a core set of values were fools, as far as I could tell.
Thomas, for example, was a fool.
Thomas the Moli Faerie was flamboyant as fuck — it was part of the dealer game. The only problem was that Thomas was a weak fucker when it came to screwing other people over. You always knew where you were at with Thomas, even if it only took a glance in the eyes. The first hit was free with a blowjob, and each one after that was $25 a hit. What most didn’t know is that Thomas had a weakness for being fucked in the ass. If you know how make an asshole beg for your cock, you can get the person to commit to anything. Once a promise has been secured, it would take a person of more flexible moral fiber to back out.
Promises, therefore, are for fools with no clear sense of direction.
Thomas may have been flamboyant, but when you beg to be fucked up the ass -- let’s just say your stash gets raided. Thomas’s real problem was the belief in a karmic system of exchange. A lot of dealers went in for that sort of thing. Personally, I think it’s because they like to feel like they’re in control, concerning the possibility that they might get busted, and their entire career would be trashed. Dealing with the unknown can be a scary thing, and if you’re not prepared for it adequately, you can do a lot of stupid shit.
I took a deep breath, and sipped on my first top shelf whiskey of the night. Some hopeful tranny bought it for me, and was chatting me up like a fly in my ear. I found it was better to accept the gift, and then proceed to offer exactly nothing in return. Not even my attention. Encouragement them only gives them hope, and there are always others who are dying to buy you a drink, or get you loaded in exchange for that special sort of attention.
“Speak of the devil,” I thought, as the liquor burned its way to my stomach.
On the other side of the room, a young man with a rainbow colored afro was fist pumping his way from the back entrance of the club. An entourage of twenty heads were following him, and all but one of them was held back by the velvet rope which separated the high-class rooftop garden patrons from the dance floor proletariat.
“Never made you bend over on the roof before, Thomas,” I thought to myself while pouring the remainder of the lowball tumbler into my mouth.
The glass slammed down on the counter, and I licked my lips. There would be a crowd of people to perform in front of, and this was going to be interesting as hell. I made my way through the dance floor and over to the stairwell. Before I left, I laughed out loud; that queer who bought me the whisky was still trying to speak to me as I walked away.
“Some people never learn,” I shook my head and grinned; this was going to be fun.
Chapter 3: Daniel
A lot of people got dressed up when they went to Lectricland. While I tried, I knew that my style was never quite up to snuff. I wasn’t really going there to pick up on anyone, and there was no real reason for me to communicate with any of the shady disco types that make that place their home. Thomas was an interesting sort because drug distribution was zir focus, instead of seeking the next relationship. Thomas facilitated the love lives of others, which was something that I found to be incredibly mythic.
In the circles I hung out in, we all got a chance to know who was dealing what, and what they were doing. I was always a bit more reserved than the others, and had only played around with drugs for experimental purposes. Most of my other friends used substances in patterns of recreational abuse, or as behavioral crutches. When you hang out with people, even if it is occasional, you tend to hear a few things about the world; that’s how I found out about Thomas’s ongoing first-timer deal. When you’re not opposed to sucking on a cock, and you figure you might be in the market one day, that kind of information tends to stick.
As it happens, I didn’t have much trouble finding Thomas once I arrived at the club. There was a group of admiring hopefuls all swarming around that immaculate rainbow colored afro. I didn’t have any pretensions about who I was as a person, because I wasn’t terribly fond of myself anyways. Also, the fear that some people have when approaching drug dealers, concerning the potential for falling into addictive patterns of use wasn’t on my mind. My purpose was strictly experimental, and with a definitive end in mind. I knew what I was looking for, and I wasn’t afraid to make myself vulnerable in order to secure the tools necessary to ascend to that higher state of reality.
My solo practice gave me the impression that I was approaching my goal. Hopefully, Thomas could give me the extra boost necessary to clear the layers of the upper stratosphere.
I had a note written ahead of time. It was a simple folded piece of parchment paper. On the paper I had written in ink, “First Time, Available Now. Desire Consciousness Expansion.”
I didn’t include my name, or any direct reference to information about our exchange. I also made sure that when I passed the paper off I made direct eye contact at the point of transfer. I wanted to clearly communicate that I was prepared to do what was necessary in that exact moment, in front of whomever, in order to sec
ure the goods that Thomas had to offer.
Thomas looked at me and the crowd around him parted. With flamboyance and panache, a lighter appeared out of a striped pair of tight, stone-washed jeans. After a cursory glance at the note, Thomas’s eyes penetrated my own and the lighter set my note ablaze. I watched, helplessly as my prompt had been destroyed the moment I offered it over to the dealer.
I was confused, but I didn’t back down.
Thomas strut forward to me, and unwrapped a piece of gum which was produced from somewhere within that immaculate fro. A tongue flashed before me, and some part of the gum was placed on the tongue. A hand grabbed my ass and pulled me close. The tongue entered my mouth, and an object was deposited inside of my mouth.
“Swallow,” Thomas whispered.
So, I did.
It never occurred to me to question the instructions. The entire experience was way surreal. All of the people around us stopped and stared with wide mouths at our exchange. It was like each of them wanted to be in my position, but for some reason I was chosen.
Chosen for what?
I don’t know. A kiss? Some weird slip of paper?
I knew that blotters of acid came on papers like that, but Thomas wasn’t really known for being too into psychedelics. Beyond acid and molly, I really didn’t know much about the types of drugs that were popular at clubs these days.
“Gone and done now,” I thought to myself, reflecting with anxiety at my present situation.
Questions began forming in my mind, but before I could articulate them, the orbit of people which surrounded Thomas had already closed once more. They were all migrating together in from the back patio toward the dance floor. I felt myself drawn inward. I was caught within Thomas’s orbit, and for some reason I found it incredibly difficult to escape.
“Wait, Thomas, what was that kiss all about?” I asked, but my question fell on deaf ears.
Thomas had given me my moment in the light of his attention. Now, I was merely another planetary body, orbiting around his brilliance. Into the club I followed, and up the stairs toward the back. We were headed to the roof. A private section of the club used only by those who felt comfortable enough to walk wherever they pleased. I watched as Thomas lifted a partition and walked from one side to the other. The partition was made of red velvet, and had a brass latch on one end which connected to a hook.
While the others who followed Thomas were deterred by the partition, I didn’t pay it any mind. Something in my intuition told me that those who remained on either side of the partition did so based on a process of self-election. I shrugged and made my way through the crowd, only to temporarily displace the partition.
“Why do you get to go?” someone asked, attitude and self-victimization present in their voice.
I could only turn and blink at them in response.
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink,” I thought.
Exhaling, I let the words melt around me, and turned to follow Thomas up toward the rooftop garden.
Chapter 4: Daniel
The rooftop was beautiful. There were live jasmine plants dangling terraced gardens which surrounded the rooftop. A thatched frame canopy was overhead, and a slight fountain gurgled off to the side, away from the entrance to the roof. The stairs were long, and so the view was splendid. Lectricland was not the highest building in the area, but the view was nothing short of incredible. For the most part, Thomas and myself were alone on the rooftop, though there were a handful of others mild-mannered socialite types — all minding their own business while the dance party rambled on below.
A soft, rhythmic thumping came through the door, though much of the sound quality was lost to the insulation which separated the dance floor from the roof garden. This place was meant to be a sanctuary within the chaos of the club. From what I could tell, the rooftop’s designers had succeeded in their goal. Thomas sat on the edge of the fountain. He appeared relaxed and looked up at the evening sky. When I started toward the fountain, I saw small flashes of light outline the dealer’s silhouette. My vision was strikingly clear, and though it may have been psychosomatic, I felt an incredible boost of energy coming from the base of my spine.
We were only up there for about ten minutes before another person came out toward us. He was one of those tall dark club rat types. He looked suave as hell, and his stride was full of attitude.
“Another one of the self-elected,” I thought, watching him strut toward the fountain.
“What it must feel like to be Thomas?” I reflected, “Always being the center of attention.”
The newcomer approached my position, though he didn’t so much as glance in my direction. I wasn’t on his radar. He was one hundred percent focused on the fountain, and showed no sign of interest in me as a person. I allowed myself to step slightly out of the way of this man’s path, just so I could maintain a sense of inner stability. When powerful people pass me by, I occasionally find myself emotionally disoriented in their wake.
I never had that air of confidence that seemed to come so naturally to other people.
He walked straight up toward Thomas. I saw in his attitude elements of power as though they were transparent, or written on the air above his body. He was pushing Thomas for something, drugs probably — but there was something else there also. Something unspoken and sexual. The magnetism of these two bodies were incredible to me. If Thomas was some embodiment of the solar aspect of humanity, then this newcomer must be some type of dark star. Simply watching the two of them interact was an experience full of tension which longed for release.
Words were exchanged that I was not privy to hear. In spite of my best efforts to spy on the two people, I was not able to discover exactly what was transpiring between the two. I only hoped that Thomas had enough energy to withstand the attraction that he doubtless felt toward the Dark Star. Watching, I saw Thomas stand up with incredible grace. The form of Thomas’s body looked magnificent in the sunlight. There was a lightness and ease about the two now that put me at ease; Thomas’s doing, no doubt about it.
A familiar hand moved from an inner pocket, to place yet another stick of ‘definitely not gum’ in his mouth. Thomas leaned in toward the other man, and gave him a kiss. Their union was long and thorough, but Thomas was not eager to consume like so many might have been in that scenario. Lust was a fickle beast, and one that Thomas was completely above at this point in the evening. Following the kiss, Thomas placed a hand on the other man’s hand, smiled, and then walked away.
I watched as Thomas glided across the rooftop toward me. Our eyes locked together, and the rest of the scenery bled into a mirage. I felt no sign of dread within my body -- only a high level of serenity. Something divine was taking place, I was sure of it. In passing my observant form, I waited for whatever event would transpire. Thomas leaned in toward me for a gentle hug, and subtly placed a thin slip of foil in my hand. The dealer’s fingers closed my hand into a fist, and then I felt zir presence depart.
Thomas left the rooftop then, with no indication of when he might return. I didn’t feel the desire to follow him as I had the first time. The magnetism was completely absent. I stared vacantly after Thomas, struggling to process the entirety of our exchange. My hand had been firmly closed, and was now down to my side — held in a natural position. I knew what was inside of the foil, but I had no idea why Thomas had decided to leave me in charge of such a powerful gift.
Taking a deep breath, I felt a presence approach from my left side. I knew it was the man who had approached Thomas. I knew that this time, his sights were set on me. I knew that he wanted something, that he had not found what he desired. I could tell that he imagined I would be instrumental in achieving that success. I knew that he was mistaken, but I forced my soul into action regardless. My intuition was bold, but perhaps because of my heightened discernment, I knew that the responsibilities expected of my state of being.
Expected, certainly; but by whom?
I
turned to face the approaching conflict.
“Thomas says you have something for me,” the man said, his dark eyes piercing into my own.
I knew what I had to do, though I couldn’t for the life of me tell you why the pathway was so clearly laid out before me. All of the patterns of behavior that one might consider to be the outlines of fate were set up like pathways in the universe, leading me inexplicably toward some final destination of its own selection. My free hand reached up toward the man’s cheek. I leaned forward, and offered a simple, sweet, moist kiss.
My soul was completely bare, and my body was on fire. There was something hidden there, within the confines of that kiss. Some secret power and a message which I was determined to deliver even if I had no idea how I might be able to speak the truth of that message using words. In the pursuit of enlightenment, I had been blasted into the space where time no longer exists, and where all actions are merely that which must be done in order to maintain the eternally unfolding drama of now. My own body responded to the kiss, and I felt arousal grow within me like something slow and powerful. Looking up at the man’s eyes, I saw my own reflection, and I felt a center of beauty amid a chaotic storm.