“If we’re still talking about sex here, it’s natural for things to cool down after a while.”
“We didn’t cool down, Kerri. We came to a dead stop. Overnight. A woman doesn’t go from wanting sex every day, sometimes two and three times a day, to not wanting to be touched unless there is a reason.”
“There is a reason! I have a yeast infection. A bad one. You know this.”
“You’ve had it for three and a half weeks?”
“No. For two weeks. It’s been two weeks! None of the over-the-counter junk worked and I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. I’m in pain!”
“This isn’t about that!” he shouted and slammed his fist into the wall. “Stop playing dumb! You have to know what I’m talking about!” Though he himself wasn’t exactly sure what he was talking about. His head was pounding so intensely now that dark spots floated in front of his eyes like bits of burnt paper hovering above the flames of a fire. She didn’t say anything but he could hear her crying softly. He leaned against the wall. What in God’s name was happening to him? “I’m sorry, Kerri.”
It was quiet from both sides. Then, sniffling, she said, “I don’t feel well. I’m sorry I’m not jumping your bones every time I see you, but I don’t feel good, Seth. I hurt.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. Except if I were you, I would have hung up on me twenty minutes ago.”
“No, you wouldn’t have,” she said, composing herself. “You’re not like that. I’ve dated guys like that. You hang in there because you care. You have so much love. It amazes me.”
“You really believe that?”
“I know it.”
“Then you know that I wouldn’t run away. If I tell you I need some time alone, then that is what I need. Some time to get a handle on myself. I promised you I was in. And I don’t break my promises.”
“I know. I just don’t want to be alone right now and I am scared for you to be alone. I’m so worried about you, honey,” she said. “Will you come with me to the doctor’s tomorrow?”
He didn’t answer.
“When was the last time you had a checkup?”
He couldn’t remember. It had been a long time. “I don’t know. Eight years. Maybe nine.”
“Seth!”
“What? I am in perfect health.”
“You’re not sleeping. And you’re getting older. You’re not a young man anymore.”
“So fucking what?”
“Please, please stop yelling at me.”
He took a breath and closed his eyes.
“You haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks and it’s affecting you. You’ve been scattered and irritable and forgetful. How many times have you been late for school because you couldn’t find your car keys?”
“I’ve always done that.”
“Have you always lost your watch?”
“That was a fluke.”
“What about the orchestra tickets?”
“What are you saying? I’m going nuts? Early senility is setting in,” he said and thought, or early Alzheimer’s?”
“No, but something isn’t right. You can’t deny that.”
He took a drink of the Scotch straight from the bottle. It was true. All true.
“If you don’t want to talk to a therapist, I understand but at least let my doctor prescribe something to help you sleep.”
It would be nice to sleep again. By any means. At any cost. He could put it on a credit card. He sighed. “What time tomorrow?”
“The doctor’s appointment is at 3:00. Everyone will start arriving for the party around 6:00.”
“I’ll pick you up at 2:30.”
“Oh, baby, thank you.”
“But I can’t do the family thing.”
“Seth, please. My mother will be crushed. She would never admit it, but this whole party is for you. She really likes you and wants to show you off.”
Fuck. “She obviously doesn’t know me very well.”
“Obviously. If she knew some of the naughty things you made her sweet, little girl do!”
“Oh, God.”
“I’m teasing you. Seriously, honey, it would do you good to get out of your own head for a while. You’ll get a kick out of my family. Grammy’s a hoot and Grandpa is sweet. You’d like the rest of them too.”
Double fuck. “Will there be booze?”
“Of course.”
At 3:15 in the morning, Seth was sitting on the couch in the dark, still drinking Jarrell’s Scotch and listening to the wind howl. He’d given up on sleep. His mind refused to quiet down as if going mad was something he could figure out how to stop. He took the phone from his pocket and pressed in Graham’s number. After verifying that, yes, it was after 3 AM in Cleveland and this was not an emergency exactly, he filled his friend in on the latest. “You need to get away from her for a while,” Graham said.
“It’s not her. It’s me. I’m the one that’s losing it. She’s trying to help.”
“I’m just saying that this relationship is intense. It has been from the very start and you haven’t come up for air once. You both need a break.”
“She doesn’t want to do that.”
“What about what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want anymore.”
“Well, you need to figure that out.”
“I’m trying. And in the meantime, what she wants is important to me. I’m in love with her.”
“Come on, Seth. She’s twenty years old. She’s a kid. I understand the attraction but—”
“But not loving her, right!?” He realized he was on his feet, shouting, suddenly angry again. “Fuck her, sure, thumps up, way to go, man! Tap that ass! But loving her? Doesn’t sound like much fun at all!”
“You need to calm the hell down,” Graham said. “And this doesn’t sound like love; it sounds like obsession.”
“It is love,” he said, pacing back and forth through the darkness, the phone in one hand, the bottle of Scotch in the other. “And maybe obsession too. But that’s what love is isn’t it? Obsession? At least in the beginning.” He turned on the outside lights and looked up at the trees against the black sky. He thought of that first morning after with Kerri, how he’d stood in this very spot, peering out the window, comparing the previous night to a drug trip, a visit to a place he didn’t belong and would be wise not to return. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten involved, but I did. I am involved. Probably more than anyone has ever been in her life and I can’t just ‘take a break!’”
“You’re talking like she’s going to fall to pieces if you step away for a minute.”
Although he never realized it before, he did feel like that and if she did fall to pieces, who might be there to pick up those pieces while he was gone? “I promised her I would give us a real chance. She trusts me.”
“I’m not asking you to break the promise. I’m asking you to take a couple of weeks for yourself. A drowning man can’t be there for anyone. And let me tell you, buddy, you sound like a drowning man. You sound bad.”
“I just need to sleep.”
“It’s more than that.”
“Please. Clue me in.”
“I wish I could. All I know for sure is that there’s a reason why you’re not sleeping, and pills won’t fix that. Neither will that bottle you’re pulling on.”
“I’ll figure it out.”
“Not all tangled up with her you won’t. You need space.”
“And what if she’s gone when I get back?”
“Then she was never there at all. Are you seriously worried about that?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. She’s young and beautiful. She could have anyone she wants.”
Graham let out a frustrated sigh. “Do you still keep a journal?”
“Yeah.”
“Do me a favor. Read what you’ve written over the time you and Kerri have been together. Then, go to any other times in your life, any other woman and compare.”
“W
hy?”
“Just do it.”
Seth emptied the bottle and went to set it on an end table but missed and it hit the floor. “Shit.” When he bent to pick it up he saw his watch. He sat on the floor and just looked at it for a moment. How the fuck did it get there? He looked at the top of the end table. Sometimes he took the watch off when he was using his laptop. Maybe one of the times he was writing while sitting on the couch, he took it off and put it on the end table. From there, it got knocked to the floor. That’s probably what happened but he had no memory of it.
“Are you still there?”
“Yeah,” Seth said, putting the watch on his wrist.
“Why don’t you come and visit me for a couple of days?”
“I can’t afford it; I’m just barely getting by.”
“I’ll pay for it. You can pay me back.”
“No way. You’re about to quit your job!”
It was quiet on the other end of the line. Then Graham said, “I quit my job last Wednesday, Seth.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did tell you. You were the first person I called. We had a toast over the phone.”
Of course. He remembered now. “Shit. I’m sorry. I knew that. It just slipped my mind, I guess.”
“When was the last time you were home?”
“Aunt Rita’s funeral.” He usually went more often but since he’d been with Kerri, he spent weekends with her and she wasn’t ready to meet his family yet. And, too, he supposed, he was afraid to see a decline in his mom that they were all supposed to watch for and pray they don’t find. But he missed her. He missed all of them and visiting them sounded nice.
“So you’re due for a visit,” Graham said. “Why don’t you do that? Skip that damned party tomorrow.”
“I already said I’d go.”
“Well, say you changed your mind.”
“She’s really counting on my being there. I can’t blow her off.”
“The hell you can’t. You need this. Take some time for yourself.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Don’t think about it. Do it.”
By the time the sun was up, Seth had switched to coffee. His journal was on his lap. Several older ones were on the floor. Graham made his point alright. Seth had been keeping a journal since his mid-twenties when he got serious about writing but never had his thoughts been so dominated with one subject—one person—for such a long period of time. When he’d fallen in love in the past, there were descriptions of the woman he desired, of course, of her smile, the scent of her hair, pieces of their conversations, places they’d gone and things they’d done. But the pages were also mixed with all sorts of other details and thoughts: an event in the news, updates on his family, new acquaintances, the warm smell of walking past a bakery on a cold morning, an idea for a story or a play or a movie, and worries about this or that.
But every entry since that first night with Kerri had been about her. Somehow, he’d become a minor character in his own life. “The Book of Kerri,” he muttered. “The goddamned Book of Kerri.”
16
Kerri’s phone rang early with Seth’s call and she didn’t answer it. He never called when they had already arranged a time to meet. So he was either calling to say he would be late or more likely—since he didn’t really want to go to the doctor or Mother’s party—to cancel. She couldn’t let him do that. So she didn’t answer or even listen to the message. He sent her a text an hour later and tried calling two more times. She took the battery out of the phone then and replaced it with a defective one from an old phone Timmy used to have. She knew Seth would not leave her hanging. He would come to the house and she’d have no idea that he’d tried to reach her. This was when they’d “discover” the problem with her phone.
Still, he may try to back out so she had herself worked up and in tears when he arrived. He looked rough from an obvious lack of sleep and she smelled booze underneath the toothpaste on his breath, but he pulled himself together for her. She told him that Lynn had stopped by that morning with sad news about a mutual friend—Joanne—who had overdosed on heroin. This girl had actually overdosed and Lynn had actually delivered the news, but it had been a few weeks ago, not this morning and the news hadn’t made enough of an impact on Kerri then to even mention it to Seth or her family. Through her tears, she told him about the troubled girl who always had an unholy alliance with drugs and whose problems got worse when her parents split and she moved out west with her mother. “I don’t know why it is hitting me so hard,” she said. “We haven’t been close in years. I don’t even remember the last time I talked to her.”
Seth held her and comforted her as she cried. The tears and the sorrow were real. They were not for Joanne, of course, but for Kerri’s realization that she had lied to Seth enough times now that she could never be fully honest with him. Despite what Mother seemed to think, he was no Prince Charming. He had an intensity that could drown a girl if she wasn’t careful, an edge that could cut her in half if she wasn’t smart. Which meant that part of her would have to stay hidden, keeping the truth from him at all costs and that part would always be alone. Even with the love of her life, alone.
And she cried for him too because he didn’t realize how badly he was hurt and consequently, how completely he was under her control. Like a determined athlete, he believed that as long as he could still play, his injuries weren’t too bad. When in reality, every moment he was on the field, his situation was becoming worse, the damage more permanent. Though she loved him, she needed him to maintain that illusion. “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you in my life,” she said, her head resting on his shoulder. “I really don’t.”
And, here, she was telling the absolute truth.
They kept their doctor’s appointment and Seth was prescribed sleeping pills. After some questioning, the doctor wrote another one for an anti-depressant. Seth scoffed at this, insisting that he was not depressed and had no intention of filling the prescription. Kerri could—and when the time was right—would present a strong case to the contrary.
The next stop was the phone store where she handed her phone over to some kid who ran a myriad of tests before thinking to check the battery. She took his expert advice and bought a new battery. It was a small price to pay for this time with Seth and having him by her side at Mother’s party tonight. When the phone came up, the unopened text and voice messages Seth had sent earlier appeared. “You were going to cancel on me?” Kerri asked, the phone to her ear as they drove to Scoops and Sprinkles, the place she’d once told him was the best ice cream in the area.
“Yeah, I was,” he said, but admitted he was glad she hadn’t gotten the messages, glad that he was there when she needed him.
“Do you ever need me?”
“More and more every day.” He smiled sort of sadly. “Let’s skip the party; go do something fun.”
She smacked him playfully on the arm. “The party will be fun! Besides, I really want you to meet my family. And they are really looking forward to meeting you.”
She’d planned to talk to him about the party, prep him so to speak, but they were having a good time together. Despite the tearful start to the day, things were lighter than they’d been in a while and she wanted to enjoy it. When they got to the house, the kitchen was a flurry of activity. Mother and Timmy were busy getting everything ready and she put Seth and Kerri to work the moment they walked in.
Kerri knew she had to talk to Seth before everyone arrived but realized that waiting until the last minute would work to her advantage. If she told him right as the party was starting, he’d be pissed, no doubt, but he’d be too polite to make a scene and the party would be underway and the drinks would be flowing and things would be alright. When she noticed Uncle Jack and Aunt Karla’s car pulling into the driveway and Grandpa and Grammy next to them, she grabbed Seth by the hand and led him down the steps to the den. “What it is?” he asked.
“I have t
o tell you something.”
“Okay,” he said when they reached the bottom of the stairs.
She had an overwhelming urge to kiss him just then and she did. She’d read in his journal that when they kissed deeply, he felt like he was pouring himself out and being refilled at the same time. And that was exactly what it felt like.
The world came roaring back when she heard the front door open upstairs. “Something sure smells good in here,” Grandpa said. There was a rumble of voices as greetings went around and coats were being shed.
Kerri pulled out of the kiss and looked into Seth’s eyes. They were bloodshot and tired looking, but there was a softness still lingering from the kiss. “Maybe,” she said, “you should sit down.”
“What are you talking about?”
There was more commotion upstairs. Aunt Karla was showing off a new scarf, Grammy was asking where her princess was, and then Mother was shouting, “Kerri!”
Kerri bit her lip and said, “Please don’t be mad.”
“Mad about what?”
“Kerri!” Mother shouted again. “Seth!”
“We’ll be up in a minute,” Kerri hollered back.
“Hurry up! Everyone wants to see you and meet Seth.”
“Just tell me,” Seth said.
“It’s kind of funny when you think about it.”
“Okay.”
“Promise you won’t be mad.”
“Cut the shit, Kerri.” The kiss was completely gone from his eyes now, gone from his whole face and that made her sad and scared and angry. “Just tell me.”
So she did. She told him that as far as her mother—and consequently, everyone coming to the party—knew, he was not forty, but thirty and though he was a teacher at Northeast, he’d never been her teacher.
His immediate response was a blank stare. Finally, he said, “You’re joking. Right?”
“Kerri!” her mother shouted again.
“Coming!” Kerri answered her mother and then said to Seth, “No. I’m not joking.” Though joking didn’t seem to be a bad idea, so she added, “You should be flattered. Not many people can pass for ten years younger than they are.”
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