The Taylor TurboChaser

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The Taylor TurboChaser Page 10

by David Baddiel

“Just felt right, madam.”

  “OK. Well, thank you for getting here so quickly after my call telling you where we were …”

  “That was me, Mrs Taylor,” said DCI Bryant. “I’m the one driving.”

  “Well, I’m not sure that matters.”

  DCI Bryant looked a little put out by this.

  “The important thing,” Suzi continued, “is that we’ve found them. And I don’t think – finally – they can get away now.”

  She hung up the phone.

  The two policemen got out of their car.

  Amy’s mum was right. The kids couldn’t escape now.

  “Well. I think the game’s up, everybody,” said Amy, watching as the adults approached from both sides. “I guess you lot may as well get out and hand yourselves in. I’ll stay in my chair. In the car …”

  “Sorry, Amy!” said Jack loudly. “Sorry, everyone! I held us up for ages with that stupid plan at the restaurant. It’s all my fault!”

  “Yes,” said Amy. “It is.”

  “Oh,” said Jack, deflated. “I was hoping you might tell me it wasn’t. Or that it didn’t matter now. And I hadn’t, after all, spoiled everything.”

  “Nope,” said Amy.

  “Hmm,” said Jack. “Fair enough.”

  He started to lift up the handles on his side of the TurboChaser to get out. Janet started to do so on the other side. But then, suddenly, Rahul said, “Hold on.”

  “What?” said Amy.

  “There’s a gap in the hedge to your right …”

  “OK …”

  “Just wide enough to get through …”

  “Yes …” said Amy. “I’m still waiting for you to notice that there’s not a field there, like there was last time. Not even a field with cows and a bull. There’s a lake. A really, really big lake.”

  “I know.”

  Amy stared at him. Jack and Janet held their places.

  “Are you saying …?”

  “I’m not saying anything. Except, I’ve got an idea.”

  “Oh no,” said Janet. “Please, no.”

  The police remained on one side of the TurboChaser and the parents on the other. DCI Bryant took out a hand-held megaphone.

  “Er … I think it might be best,” said Suzi, “if I speak to my daughter.”

  DCI Bryant frowned, and held up his palm to her. “Please stand back, Mrs Taylor. We have a police policy in these circumstances.”

  “Yes,” said PC Middleton, “I think we know how to handle this, thank you very much. We are the police, after all.”

  Suzi looked at Prisha, who shrugged. DCI Bryant brought the megaphone to his lips.

  “STEP OUT OF THE CAR. STEP OUT OF THE CAR. TURN OFF THE ENGINE AND STEP OUT OF THE CAR. WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”

  “With your hands up?” said Prisha. “What are you talking about?”

  “They might have guns!” said PC Middleton.

  “Of course they haven’t got guns!” said Suzi.

  DCI Bryant thought about it for a second. Then he put the megaphone up to his mouth.

  “OK. JUST STEP OUT OF THE CAR. YOU CAN PUT YOUR HANDS … WHEREVER.”

  Nothing happened. The adults looked at each other.

  “Are you sure I shouldn’t do the speaking?” said Suzi again. “I mean, I don’t know if we need a megaphone. I can just go and tap on the window and—”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” said Prisha, coming forward and banging on the glass. “Rahul! Rahul! Just get out of there!”

  “Yes! And Janet! Come on!” shouted Colin.

  “Yes! Come on, Janet!” shouted Norma.

  “Er … everybody …” said Suzi. “I don’t think screaming at them is a great idea.”

  Suzi was right about that. Because inside the car, Amy looked out at the contorted faces of the shouting parents, and a thought came into her head. Trust your instincts, they’ll never betray you. One of her mum’s quotes again! But it helped her make a decision.

  “Sorry, Mum!” she shouted from inside the car. “But in a way it’s your fault!”

  She turned the wheel to the right, and threw the direction lever forward.

  The Taylor TurboChaser moved off towards the right, towards the gap in the hedge and the very large lake beyond.

  “What! Wait? What is she doing?” said Suzi.

  “The how, the what, the why is going on now?” said Colin.

  “Stop!” said Prisha.

  “YES! STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!” said DCI Bryant through the megaphone. “TURN OFF THE CAR! THERE’S A LAKE OVER THERE! YOU CAN’T GO THAT WAY!”

  To try to drown him out, Amy turned on the sat nav. Which unfortunately said, “THERE’S A LAKE OVER THERE! YOU CAN’T GO THAT WAY!”

  She turned it off. The car continued on its way through the hedge.

  “TURN THE ENGINE OFF AND STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR!” said DCI Bryant.

  “That’s not helping! Shut up!” said Prisha.

  “Please, Amy!” screamed Suzi. “Don’t drive into the water!”

  Inside the car, Jack was feeling much the same way as his mum.

  “Hello? Water? Immediately in front of us? Deep water? I know this car is partly made out of fish tanks, but last time I looked none of us are actually fish?”

  “I trust Rahul!” shouted Amy. “He hasn’t let us down yet!”

  “No, but I’m worried he’s going to let us down now – far down – into the deep!”

  “I can’t swim!” said Janet.

  “Really?” said Rahul. “What about your wings?”

  “What?”

  “They’re not water ones?”

  “No, they’re fairy ones!”

  “You can swim, Janet,” said Amy. “I’ve seen you in the local pool.”

  “OK, but I thought I’d shout it anyway, just to try and stop you!”

  The adults were all running behind, through the gap in the hedge, shouting and screaming at Amy to stop. The wheels of the TurboChaser were now on the small bank of grass at the edge of the lake.

  “Are you sure about this?” whispered Amy.

  “No,” said Rahul.

  “Great,” said Amy, and she carried on driving forward. With a huge splash, the Taylor TurboChaser entered the water. At this point, it was quite shallow. But Amy figured it would get deep pretty quickly. The lake was huge, and surrounded by hills that turned into mountains in the distance.

  Rahul pressed the button to raise up the chassis and make it into a four-by-four. This, at least, took the body of the car out of the water.

  “Keep going!” said Rahul, climbing out of his cat flap.

  “What do you mean, keep going! You’re leaving?”

  “I’m not!” He climbed on to the front of the TurboChaser. “I’m staying with you, Amy! All the way to Scotland!”

  “No, don’t keep going! Let’s give up!” said Janet. “My mum’s waving some biscuits!”

  She was. Norma had waded knee-deep into the water and was waving a packet of chocolate digestives at the back of the car, as if she was using the packet like a flag, like those people in airports do who direct aeroplanes. Unfortunately, every time the packet waved towards Colin, he took one.

  “Ooh!” said Jack. “I’m tempted too. Turn back! Before her dad eats them all!”

  “We’re not turning back for a biscuit!” shouted Amy, glancing in the rear-view mirror. The two policemen were wading into the lake, followed by the parents. Suzi, who was not a tall woman, was already up to her chest.

  DCI Bryant still had the megaphone.

  “COME BACK! COME BACK! YOU WILL DROWN!”

  “I’m worried about the megaphone, sir!” said PC Middleton. “Does it still work if it gets wet?”

  “OF COURSE IT … fizzzzz … ccchhhh … does.” DCI Bryant moved the device away from his mouth and turned it upside down. It made a dying, buzzing noise. “Oh.”

  Amy looked at Rahul, balanced on the bonnet in front of her. “How much further can this go?” she shouted. Water w
as starting to lap at the sides of the car windows.

  “Just need … a bit … more …” shouted Rahul back.

  She moved further forward, but the car made the loudest groaning noise it had made so far. It sounded like a large, wild creature in pain. Outside, on the glass, the water rose again.

  “AAARRGGH!” screamed Janet. “WATER! IT’S COMING IN THROUGH THE CAT FLAPS!”

  “YEAH! IT IS!” shouted Jack.

  “Rahul …” said Amy, “we can’t go on—”

  “Now!” said Rahul, and he dived down into the water.

  “Oh no!” screamed Prisha. “Oh no! Sanjay! Swim out! Save our child!”

  “Our child can swim, Prisha. You know that. We paid for him to have extra lessons!”

  “You should swim out and save him anyway!”

  But while they were arguing, Rahul had emerged from the water – which wasn’t that deep where he was, anyway, so he could still stand – and had bent down by the car and put his arm into the water. He was turning something – the crank on the front of the bonnet, near the TAYTURB1 number plate. The one that turned the Taylor TurboChaser into a tent.

  “Press the teepee button, Amy!” he shouted.

  Amy did as he instructed. The parents and the police stared, baffled, as suddenly reams of Joseph-and-his-Amazing-Technicolor-Dreamcoat-style material came flood-ing out of the chimney in the middle of the vehicle. And indeed you might be baffled, too, as to what Rahul was doing.

  But – if you remember – making the car into a tent also spread the underside of the TurboChaser out, and the underside of the TurboChaser was lined with … air-filled mattresses. So suddenly the Taylor TurboChaser was floating! The sheer momentum of the heavy vehicle caused it to carry on, further into the lake.

  “Ha! That’s amazing!” said Amy.

  “It’s a boat!” shouted Jack.

  “It’s a ferry!” shouted Janet.

  “It’s –” said Rahul, climbing back through the cat flap “– the Taylor Turbo-Dinghy!”

  “One problem …” said Amy. “We are floating. Well done. But we’re not moving. And –” she looked round – “I think the police and our parents might be deciding to come after us.”

  DCI Bryant and PC Middleton were, indeed, back on the shore, putting on waterproofs and galoshes and big plastic knee-length waders. PC Middleton was having a lot of trouble doing this and had ended up on the ground on his bottom with his legs in the air, while Colin and Norma tried to wedge the waders on to his feet.

  “Push, Norma! Push, Colin!”

  “We’re pushing!”

  “Get on with it, Middleton!”

  “I told the Police Store I was an eight and a half, sir. These are definitely eights!”

  Suzi, meanwhile, wasn’t bothering with waders. Amy watched as her mum simply peeled off her jacket and dived into the water, and then began to swim.

  Amy felt a pang of guilt about that, but she had to get to Scotland. So she just turned to Rahul and said, “We need to go faster!”

  Her mum had settled into a front crawl and was moving quickly into the lake after them.

  “OK,” said Rahul. “I have an idea for that too. For how to move the car. Press the hazards!”

  “The hazards?”

  “Yes!”

  Amy pressed the button. The red flag popped out of the back left-hand side of the car.

  “OK – there’s a second button next to it. Press that one too.”

  She did so. A second red flag popped out of the back right-hand side of the car. So now there were two big flags flapping in the wind at the back of the car.

  “What … are they doing?” said PC Middleton, in the shallow water on the edge of the lake. “Are they telling us they’re in trouble?”

  “Right,” said Rahul. “Jack, Janet – stick your hands out of the cat flaps and grab the bottom end of the flags.” They did so. “Got them?”

  “Yes,” said Jack.

  “Yes,” said Janet.

  “OK. Now pull them tight!”

  They did. The flags stopped flapping and became taut. And, as that happened, the Taylor Turbo-Dinghy started to move. Fast.

  “The flags … they’ve become sails!” said Amy.

  “Yes,” said Rahul.

  “You’re a genius, Rahul!” said Jack.

  “Now I know you’re being sarcastic!”

  “I’m definitely not!” said Jack, laughing.

  Rahul hit the radio. “We are sailing …” came a song blasting from the speakers.

  “Although, how long do we have to hold on to these?” said Janet. “My hands are freezing.”

  They swept across the lake in the Turbo-Dinghy. Suzi, still swimming after them, dwindled into tininess, as they left her behind. Soon, she stopped swimming, and turned back to shore.

  In the shallows, watching the children sail away into the distance, Prisha looked at PC Middleton and said, “In answer to your question, no, I don’t think they’re telling us they’re in trouble. In fact, I think exactly the opposite.”

  “Oh well,” said Suzi, “at least we know where they’re headed.”

  “Well, not exactly,” said Prisha. “It’s huge that lake – we’ve no idea which bit of the shore they might land on.”

  “What about sending out a boat?” said Norma, to DCI Bryant.

  “Boaty McBoatface, you mean?” said Colin.

  “Shh, Colin,” said Norma.

  “You’re no fun any more,” said Colin sulkily.

  “We’ve radioed for it, Mrs Warner, but I’m afraid there are no police boats available, unless it’s an emergency.”

  “It is an emergency!”

  “Not if their craft is not sinking, apparently. Which last time I saw it, it very much wasn’t.”

  “No, but I mean …” said Suzi, “… at least we know where they’re going. In general. Because once they’re across that lake, it’s only a few miles to Scotland.”

  “So you think,” said Sanjay, “they’re definitely, definitely trying to get to Amy’s dad?”

  Suzi paused. She had changed out of her wet clothes into some trousers and a jumper provided by Colin, who “in case of accidents” – something Suzi didn’t want to think about – always travelled with a spare pair. They were much too big for her, and the cuffs of his jumper kept falling into the food she was trying to eat.

  Because the parents and police – who themselves were hungry and tired – had decided to discuss what to do over dinner, so had turned round and driven back to a nice-looking restaurant they’d passed earlier.

  “Yes. I mean … he’s the one who paid for the new wheelchair.”

  “Isn’t he also the one,” said Prisha, “who’s furious because of what Rahul has done to the new wheelchair?”

  “Yes. But I guess Amy thinks she can turn him round.”

  Prisha looked at her. “Is he the type of man who gets turned round?”

  Suzi stared into her glass of water. She shook her head.

  “I’m the type of man who gets turned round!” said Colin, getting up and whizzing round in a circle, ending up facing Norma.

  Norma shook her head. “Sorry, Colin. Not appropriate.”

  “Oh,” said Colin.

  “Amy …” continued Suzi, “she really loves her dad. Kind of idolises him. Thinks he’s perfect.”

  “It’s easier to seem perfect when you’re not there,” said Prisha, looking away.

  “Yes,” said Suzi. “I mean he IS a good dad. In some ways. But – well – the accident. The one that left Amy unable to walk. Peter – my husband – was driving. I mean … he didn’t do anything wrong; it was an accident. But still, I think he blamed himself. And so he’s never – I think – quite been able to accept Amy in a wheelchair.”

  Prisha nodded. Sanjay was quiet. Colin made a gesture that meant, “Shall I whizz round again?” Norma shook her head.

  “Anyway. We split up soon afterwards. So, I don’t know – it’s bad enough that we’re havi
ng to chase her and the others up and down the country. But I’m not even sure that her plan to change Peter’s mind is going to work.”

  “Oh dear,” said Prisha.

  “Yes. And it gets worse. I spoke to him just now and he said – not pleased at all – that if we couldn’t catch the kids, he was going to organise something else.”

  “What something else?” said Sanjay.

  “I dunno. But it sounded ominous.”

  She put her glass down. No one said anything for a moment.

  Then a voice said, “Madame, would you laaaike ze bill? Or is zere anyzing else we can get for you aelle?”

  Everyone looked up. Louis was twiddling his moustache and smiling. Prisha said, “Non, tout a été bien, merci. La facture serait super, mais juste un petit renseignement, s’il vous plaît: le service est-il inclus?”

  And Louis said, “Pardon?” But not in a French accent.

  A bump woke Amy up. Then another bump.

  She opened her eyes slowly.

  Looking back at her were two very big brown eyes. Then they got further away. Then they came back again. Then they got further away again. At this point, as Amy’s own vision cleared from sleep, the two very big brown eyes were joined by a twitching nose and two very big grey ears. As the sight started to get closer again, Amy shouted, “Hey! I think we’ve hit land. Somewhere near where the Teletubbies live!”

  “Say what?” said Rahul sleepily.

  “There’s a huge rabbit outside!” said Amy. “So unless it’s a rabbit fish, we must have got across the lake overnight!”

  After they’d set off from the opposite shore, the movement of the TurboChaser had slowed down a lot. It was difficult for Jack and Janet to hold on to the flags for too long, so they’d kept on stopping to give their arms a rest.

  Eventually, Rahul had found a way of pinning them to the outside of the cat flaps – the flags, that is, not Jack and Janet – so that they would continue to work as sails without the need for hands to hold them tight. But it was slow going, and night had begun to fall.

  “What shall we do?” Amy had said, in between munching. They were drifting, and she couldn’t really steer on the water, so the children had decided to have dinner. Beans, obviously.

 

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