The Taylor TurboChaser

by David Baddiel

  “Well,” said Rahul, looking around. The inside was all spread out, and they were protected by the tent material, so it felt quite cosy. “Although it is presently the Taylor Turbo-Dinghy, it is also the Taylor Turbo-Tent. So we could just sleep in it.”

  “On the lake?”

  “Well, yes.”

  “Is it safe?” said Janet. “Sleeping on the lake?”

  “Obviously not,” said Jack. “But what has been so far, on this trip?”

  They had all thought about this for a bit, and decided that, for once, Jack had said something sensible, and so, as soon as the beans had been eaten, they all went to bed. The slow movement of the waves on the lake rocked them all gently to sleep. Until the rabbit alarm-clock moment.

  All the children woke up, excited to see the rabbit. It was very early in the morning, and it was bright and cold on the edge of the lake, but there was something joyful and wonderful in having made it through another night, and then being woken up by an enormous rabbit. Which didn’t even run away or anything, just looked at the children as they appeared, its nose twitching away.

  “I’m not sure it’s a rabbit,” said Jack.

  “Yes, it might be a hare,” said Rahul.

  “It’s obviously not a hair,” said Janet, holding up a strand of hers.

  Amy smiled. She looked back over the lake. The sun was shining, and threads of light glittered on the surface of the water. She wondered, suddenly, if this was the lake where her dad had stopped, all those years ago, to take that family photo, the one where they had all been laughing. She was about to ask Jack whether he thought it was as well, when she remembered the more immediate fact that her dad was leaving for Japan in … she checked the clock. Five hours.

  “I think, whether it’s a rabbit or hare,” she said, pressing the button to return the TurboChaser to its car shape, rather than its dinghy one, “it’s a good-luck omen. Let’s get going!”

  “Return to the highlighted route,” said the sat nav. “You are currently in a lake.”

  “You are currently in a lake,” said Jack, evidently back to his usual self.

  Amy drove up on to the shore, out of the lake and into a field. Then she turned towards a gate, beyond which it looked like there was a lane, leading north.

  “Mobilcon. XR-207. Located,” said a robotic voice, which sounded like it was coming from somewhere above them. “Mobilcon. XR-207. Located,”

  The children looked at each other.

  “What was that?” said Amy, frightened.

  “Was it the rabbit?” said Janet. “Maybe it’s rabbit-speak?”

  “It came from … the sky,” said Rahul.

  They all looked up. To see, hovering about three metres above them, a black shining disc, powered by four tiny fans. Two small red lights on the front of it blinked at them, like devil’s eyes.

  “DRONE! DRONE!” shouted Jack. And they all dived for cover.

  “Mobilcon. XR-207. Located,” said the drone again.

  Jack looked up. Amy – who had only been able to bend down in her seat – opened her eyes.

  “Is that all it does?” she whispered.

  “I dunno,” said Rahul.

  “I doubt it,” said Jack.

  “What’s the Mubbel Cone XR-007?” said Janet.

  “The wheelchair,” said Rahul. “The one that’s still actually at the heart of the TurboChaser.”

  “OK … well … maybe if we just drive quietly away …” said Amy. She pushed the direction lever forward gently.

  “Mobilcon. XR-207. Moving,

  “Uh-oh,” said Jack.

  “I think it’s seen what you’re doing,” said Janet.

  “Right. Well, maybe I’ll just carry on driving away, and let it do its commentary,” said Amy. “I mean, what difference can that make?”

  “Mobilcon. XR-207. Initiating override.”

  “I don’t like the sound of that!” said Rahul.

  “It’s OK,” said Amy, driving the TurboChaser up to a gate, and turning right to get on to the road—

  “Oh,” she said, as the TurboChaser came out of the gate and turned left. “It’s not OK.”

  “Why?” said Rahul.

  “I turned the other way! But the car isn’t obeying.”

  “WHERE ARE WE GOING?” screamed Janet. “WHO’S CONTROLLING THE CAR?”

  Amy frantically tried to pull the steering wheel back round. But it made no difference. The TurboChaser seemed hypnotised. They carried on driving the wrong way. Above and just in front of them, the drone flew on. It was like it was pulling them magnetically.

  “Mobilcon. XR-207. Returning product to company,” said the drone.

  “Oh my days,” said Jack. “This will be Dad’s work!”

  “Will it?” said Amy.

  “Yes! He said he wanted to get the wheelchair returned, didn’t he? He’ll have got Mobilcon to send out this drone to—”

  “Two hundred miles to destination.”

  “Two hundred miles!” said Amy.

  “Back towards where we came from!” said Rahul.

  “How is it doing this?” said Amy.

  “I don’t know!” said Rahul. “It must’ve put some kind of remote lock on the original wheelchair. And now it’s controlling it!”

  “And how do we stop it?”

  “That I really don’t know.”

  “Fabulous. Turns out you really are a great scientist, Rahul!” said Jack.

  “Shut up, Jack,” said Amy. “Rahul got us this far and he’ll sort this out! Won’t you, Rahul?”

  “Umm …”

  “One hundred and ninety-nine miles to destination.”

  No one said anything. The car carried on going. Away from Scotland. Amy shook her head. She sighed and was about to say, “I guess we may as well give up, then,” when Janet said, “It sounds a bit like the sat nav.”

  They all turned to her.

  “Don’t you think?” She did an impression of the drone – “One hundred and ninety-nine miles to destination.”

  “Which sat nav voice do you mean?” said Amy. “The Welsh one, the shouty one, or the last, smooth-sounding one?”

  “All of them.”

  “Right,” said Jack. “Good thought. Useful.”

  “Actually,” said Rahul. “It might be.”

  “How?”

  “One hundred and ninety-eight miles to destination.”

  “Well … that drone is on an electromagnetic frequency. It’s probably controlling the chair using radio waves. Which have a specific wavelength. That’s how everything electronic works.”

  “OK,” said Amy.

  “So if the sat nav is on a similar frequency … I don’t know – it might interfere with the drone. There’s just a chance.”

  “It’s a long shot,” said Jack. “But it might just work.”

  “Is that sarcastic?” said Rahul.

  “Yes. It’s the sort of thing they say in old films.”

  “OK,” said Rahul, turning round. “You got any better ideas, Mr Man with a Plan?”

  Jack didn’t answer.

  “Right,” said Amy, after Jack went quiet. “Let’s give it a go.”

  “One hundred and ninety-seven miles to destination.”

  “I think we better had,” said Rahul.

  Amy turned on the sat nav.

  “If possible, make a U-turn,” it said. For some reason, it now spoke in a woman’s voice. Quite strict, a bit like a head teacher.

  Nothing happened. The car carried on going.

  “If possible, make a U-turn. You are driving away from your destination.”

  “One hundred and ninety-six miles to destination,” said the drone from above.

  “Oh, that’s all right then!” said Janet.

  “What?” said Jack.

  “Well, the sat nav says we’re driving away from our destination. But the drone says we’re getting closer. And the drone’s much shinier, and more hi-tech! So I believe it!”

  “It�
��s a different destination, Janet!” shouted Amy.

  “Oh,” said Janet. “Why is it called the same thing, then?”

  “It’s not working, Rahul!” said Amy, desperately trying to turn the steering wheel.

  “Do you mean Janet’s brain?” said Jack.

  Janet stared at him, and put two fingers at her eyes and then moved the fingers towards him.

  Rahul shook his head. “It’s not loud enough. I don’t think the drone can hear it up there.”

  “You know it’s not actually a person, right?” said Jack.

  “Can we make it louder?” said Amy, ignoring her brother.

  “Er …” Rahul looked around. “Yeah!” he said.

  He got out a screwdriver and started fiddling with the dashboard.

  “One hundred and ninety-five miles to destination.”

  “Do we … um … have time for like … doing mechanical work on the car?” said Amy.

  “Just give me a moment …” said Rahul.

  “Shall we sing something while we’re waiting?” said Janet.

  “Oh my days,” said Jack.

  “I don’t know that one,” said Janet. “What about ‘Whistle While You Work’?”

  She started whistling the tune to “Whistle While You Work”.

  “One hundred and ninety-four miles to destination,” went the drone.

  “Whistle whistle whistle. Whistle whistle whistle,” went Janet.

  “Wow. You’re very good at whistling, Janet,” said Amy.

  “If possible, make a U-turn,” said the sat nav.

  “I think I may go mad,” said Jack.

  “OK!” said Rahul, pulling the sat nav free from the dashboard. There were wires behind it, but they were quite long, and he was able to hold it up in the air. “Done it!”

  Rahul held the sat nav up further towards the roof of the TurboChaser. Then he pressed it against the bottom of the air horn. “With a bit of luck, that should amplify the sound enough.”

  “One hundred and ninety-three miles to destination.”

  Then very loudly, coming out through the horn, like a loudspeaker placed above the car, the sat nav said, “REPLACE THE UNIT IN THE DASHBOARD. YOU ARE A THIEF. SOMEONE IS BREAKING INTO THIS CAR. HELP! HELP!”

  “Oh dear,” said Rahul.

  “POLICE! POLICE! SAT NAV BEING STOLEN!” said the sat nav very loudly.

  “Maybe you should take it away from the air horn?” said Jack.

  “One hundred and ninety-two miles to destination.”

  “Whistle whistle whistle …”

  “Why are you still whistling?” said Jack. “Rahul’s idea’s not even working any more! In fact, nothing is working! It’s over! This adventure is over, and we’ve lost!”

  “Don’t say that!” said Amy.

  “WEEOOOWEEOOOWEEOOO!” said the sat nav.

  “Oh great,” said Amy. “Now the sat nav’s making a burglar alarm noise.”

  “At least it’s covering up Janet’s whistling,” said Jack.

  “Should I put it down?” said Rahul. “Turn it off?”

  “Hold on,” said Amy. “Hold your nerve.”

  “One hundred and ninety-one miles to destination.”

  “Come on, sat nav,” said Amy.

  “WEEOOOWEEOOOWEEOOO!”

  “Come on. Just stop doing that for a second and remember what your job is. Come on!”

  “WEEEOOOWWEEOOOWEEOO – if possible, make a U-turn,” said the sat nav.

  The drone stopped. Which meant the TurboChaser stopped. Everyone inside held their breath.

  “If possible, make a U-turn.”

  The lights on the drone flickered. Almost like two eyes blinking. It was as if it was thinking about it. It hovered there for some time.

  “Come on,” said Amy.

  “Come on,” said Jack.

  “Come on,” said Rahul.

  “Whistle whistle whistle,” said Janet.

  And then, the drone flew up in the air. Up and around. It did what the sat nav told it to do. It made a U-turn. A big, flowing U-turn – and then it started flying in the opposite direction.

  The Taylor TurboChaser followed suit.

  “YES!” shouted the children.

  “One hundred and ninety-two miles to destination,” said the drone.

  “I can’t believe that worked!” said Jack.

  “It was a long shot!” said Rahul. “But it did the trick!”

  Jack leant over and high-fived Rahul.

  “One hundred and ninety-two and a half miles to destination,” said the drone.

  “Is it going to be following us all the way to my dad’s now?” said Amy.

  “One hundred and ninety-three miles to desti—One hundred and ninety-four miles to desti— Mobilcon going away from destination— Job requirement to go other way— But new instruction to U-turn override— Malfunction! Malfunction!

  Malfunction!”

  The drone exploded. Tiny bits of it – lights, fans, metal – rained down on the TurboChaser’s roof.

  “Don’t think so,” said Jack.

  “Please rejoin the route to your destination,” said the sat nav.

  “Which one is that?” said Janet.

  It was the last leg of the journey. The roads became long and straight and carved their way between some very high hills.

  Soon they found themselves approaching signs that said,

  Then

  Then

  I mean, I don’t think I can make it any plainer – they were getting closer to Scotland.

  “We’re nearly there!” said Janet.

  “Well, not quite,” said Amy. “My dad’s place isn’t right on the border.”

  “Are we going to where he lives?” said Rahul.

  “No,” said Amy. “We’re going to where he works.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ll see when we get there,” said Amy.

  “So how far from the border is that?” said Janet.

  “Not far. Well, actually I’m not sure. But I know a man who does. Or at least the voice of a man. Or a woman.”

  She pressed the sat nav button.

  “You take the High Road …” it sang.

  “Oh!” said Amy.

  “And I’ll take the Low Road …”

  “Why is it Scottish now?”

  “I think it might have a program where it does whatever accent suits where it is,” said Rahul.

  “And I’ll be in Scotland afore ye,” it continued.

  “Well, you won’t, Mrs Sat Nav,” said Jack. “Unless something very strange happens, we will both be in Scotland at the same time.”

  “This isn’t telling us how much further we have to go,” said Janet.

  “Yes. I’ve just realised that’s because it’s the radio,” said Amy. She pressed another button.

  “Stay on this road for twelve miles,” said the sat nav in a completely normal sat nav voice. “Then you will have reached your final destination.”

  “HOORAY!” shouted all the children at once.

  And this was when the Taylor TurboChaser made its most painful-sounding noise yet – not a groan but more of a long, extended whimper – and then ground to a complete halt.

  “Oh dear,” said Amy.

  The TurboChaser trundled off to the side of the road. Amy – and Janet and Jack – looked to Rahul.

  “ETA at destination 13:47 based on current road speed,” said the sat nav.

  “Aaargh!” said Amy. “Dad’s leaving at midday.”

  “Hmm,” said Rahul. “Try turning it on and off again.”

  “Really?” said Jack.

  “Really,” said Rahul.

  “Yes, the problem with that, Rahul …” said Amy, “… is that it is off. And what I’m doing now, and have, in fact, been doing for about a minute, is pressing the ‘on’ switch.” She did so again. “And as you can see, nothing is happening.”

  “Oh dear,” said Rahul.

  “That’s what Amy said,” said Janet.r />
  “OK,” said Jack. “So what do you think is wrong?”

  “Well,” said Rahul, “I could get out and look under the bonnet and spend a lot of time tinkering about, but I think I know what it is. We’ve run out of gas.”

  “Gas?” said Janet. “I thought it runs on a battery.”

  “It does.” He pulled open the little door in the dashboard, the one with the red switch inside. It felt quite a long time ago now since Amy had first flipped that switch. “A turbocharged battery, if you remember. And this door is marked ONLY IN EMERGENCIES.” He looked round. “We’ve had it on the whole time.”

  Jack and Amy exchanged glances. “Well,” said Amy, “it kind of was an emergency most of the time.”

  “So it’s a gas battery?” said Janet.

  “No! It’s an electric battery!” said Rahul. “And it’s run out of electricity! I was using ‘gas’ as a sort of metaphorical catch-all term for power!”

  “What?” said Janet.

  “Never mind!”

  “So what are we going to do?” said Amy, looking around. “I can see a lot of hills, and grass, and cars passing us by, but no charging points.”

  “OK … well, I did think this might happen,” said Rahul. “So I do have an idea.”

  “Oh no. Please, no,” said Janet.

  “You don’t have to say that every time I say, ‘I have an idea’,” said Rahul, getting out of the car. He went round the back and opened the old chest. Then he came back to the front again, dragging a large plastic crate. With something inside it. Something … not very nice-looking.

  “Ahh, I didn’t know this would be so heavy.”

  Amy wrinkled her nose. “What IS that?”

  “Poo,” said Rahul.

  “Yes,” said Amy. “It does smell. But what is it?”

  “No, it is poo. Cow poo. Do you remember? I scraped loads of it off the back of the TurboChaser when we went through that field of cattle.”

  “What?” said Jack. “And it’s been in the car the whole time? And I’m the one who gets blamed for the smell! When that’s been giving off poo gas the whole time? Well, thanks very much!”

  “So why did Rahul say we’d run out of gas?” said Janet.