I whispered goodbye and locked the door for the final time.
Who was I saying goodbye to? The house? The memories? Miranda?
Was I saying goodbye to Miranda? I mean I couldn’t say that Leigh Ann was in my life but it kind of looked like things were headed that way. Only time would tell though.
Just as I pulled into my driveway at the condo my cell phone rang. It was my dad. He was crying and I knew what he was going to say.
“She’s gone, son. She’s gone.”
“I’m on my way, Dad. Are you at home or…?”
“I’m at home. They just called me. Please come and get me. I don’t think I can drive.”
“I’ll be right there. Did you call Reagan yet?”
“No.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
I started pulling out of my driveway as I called my sister.
“Yeah?” She said. I almost hung up on her. I hated her attitude.
“Mom died. I’m going to pick up Dad and take him to the nursing home if you want to meet us there.”
“Okay,” was all she said before she hung up.
I honestly didn’t know how I felt about Mom dying. We had never been close. I never really liked her and I think I loved her because she was my mother and that is what you are supposed to do. I was more worried about Dad. Jesus could take care of Mom now. They were best friends.
We got to the nursing home. Dad walked slowly and was kind of hunched over. That surprised me. He had always stood tall and straight and faced the world head on. Now it looked like the world was pushing him down. Maybe he felt that way too.
When we walked into her room there were two women standing there. I had no idea who they were but Dad seemed to know. They hugged him and offered words of condolence. They moved a chair next to the bed and after he kissed Mom and told her he loved her he sat down and held her hand.
“Dad, I’ll be out in the hall. I’m going to make some calls and let the family know.”
“Call Pastor Mark first.”
Of course. The center of their universe had to be informed. I took his phone from him so I could look up numbers I didn’t have.
I called the pastor and he said he’d be there as soon as he could. He apologized and said he was at his daughter’s soccer game and couldn’t leave. So much for the center of the universe.
My sister showed up and went to Dad’s side without saying anything to me. She seemed to know the two women too. She sure was surprising me a lot lately.
I called cousins, an aunt and close friends of Mom and Dad’s. When I was done I was surprised at how few people were in their circle. Maybe there were more at church but I didn’t know who they were. There had been a lot of deaths over the years in our family. Mom had one sister living. Dad had no sisters or brothers left. I felt kind of bad about that.
Where were their friends? They used to be in a group of about eight couples that did everything together. They’d go out to eat after church on Sunday, take vacations together and just spend time together. Some of them had died and some had moved away. Mom and Dad had held onto their dignity while their world had silently fell apart. And they never let on anything was happening.
Even with Mom’s illness Dad had put his shields up. I’m not sure that most people really knew the extent of what Mom’s illness was. They were very proud people.
I had suffered from that over the years. I’m not really a “toe the line” kind of guy. I have a different way of thinking and doing things than my parents did. My sister is like that too but when we came to the fork in the road she went down the one with dark clouds and thorn bushes. I, on the other hand, took the easy way. I kept to the morals my parents had instilled but I was also overshadowed by my mother and her lessons in guilt.
I’d do what I wanted to do but I had to stop and think whether it would embarrass them or not. That was a big thing with my mom. I don’t know why she had this huge ego. She didn’t come from money or prominence. Her father was a bus driver, at least when he wasn’t drunk which was quite a bit of the time. They moved from house to house because they kept getting evicted for not paying rent.
Mom’s family wouldn’t help because they hated her father. Her grandparents were well-to-do come to think of it. Grandma and Granddaddy had to get married because he had gotten her pregnant. That was in the early 1900s and back then that was a horrific place to put the family in. I guess they made Granddaddy marry her and move away.
So why was she so egotistical? I guess I’d never know.
After I finished the calls I went back into her room and just stared at her. What did I feel? Sadness? No. Happiness? Not that either. Then I realized, it was relief! I didn’t have to perform for her anymore. I didn’t have to stop to think before I acted. This life was now mine!
My sister suddenly grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out into the hall.
“What are you smiling?” She spat.
“I didn’t know I was. I do that when I get nervous sometimes.”
“Well, don’t do it again!” She said as she spun around and walked back into the room. She sat on the arm of Dad’s chair and patted his back and whispered things like, “There, there it’ll be alright” or “She’s in a better place now.”
I thought I was going to puke!
Dad turned to me and said, “Will you call the funeral home? We already set everything up and we just need to let them know. It’s Grafton Funeral Home of course. The number is in my phone.”
Really? He had the funeral home on speed dial? I shook my head as I again walked out of the room.
Just then the pastor showed up so I walked back into the room. He greeted everyone and asked my dad if there was anything he could do. Dad told him he’d like him to do the funeral and he could get with me to make the arrangements.
“Don knows everything we want.”
I do? When did this knowledge come about? We had discussed generalities but not the details. Were they in that book he gave me? I panicked! Maybe he’d tell me later what he wanted and he was just keeping up appearances.
I noticed when the pastor walked in Dad had straightened up and there were no more tears in his eyes. Amazing. He could change his appearance at will seemingly! I don’t know why I was surprised.
I called the funeral home and he said all he needed were a few more bits of information from us. Mom and Dad had planned out everything months ago. I said I’d drop by the next afternoon and we’d sort it all out. He asked if we were ready for them to come pick up, “the body.” I said I guessed we were.
This time when I walked back into the room there was another man standing next to the pastor. He was introduced as the nursing home chaplain. He asked if he could sing a few hymns for us. I thought that was a rather bizarre request but Dad said he’d like that.
Oh my god, the man had a beautiful voice! I hadn’t heard some of the hymns he sung in years. When he sang Amazing Grace tears came to my eyes. When he finished there was a big prayer meeting; two ministers, no waiting!
People started leaving but then my cousins came in. They cried and hugged Dad and remarked how lifelike my mom looked. Really? She’d had an upper respiratory infection (That was what ultimately killed her.) weighed about 75 pounds and she looked lifelike? I just shook my head.
When I got tired of the family crap I announced that the funeral home was on the way to get Mom (I almost said the body.) and I thought we’d better clear the room. They got Dad to his feet and started walking him to the car. I waited behind.
When I was sure they were all gone I leaned over and said, “I hope you’re happy now. You’re with Jesus. Please don’t try to boss Him around or make him feel guilty.”
I kissed her on the forehead and walked out.
I asked Dad if he wanted to stop anywhere and he said he didn’t. I asked if he wanted anything to eat and he declined that too. He said he just wanted to go home. I asked him if there was anything I needed to tell the funeral home when I met with them
the next day. He told me to do whatever I wanted. He didn’t feel like making any decisions. The only thing he asked for was for someone to sing, “Amazing Grace” for her.
I drove into his driveway and he told me to not bother cutting off the car or going inside. He just wanted to be alone. My first thought was that he was going to kill himself. I don’t know why I thought that except they had been together so long and I figured he’d be lost without her and wanted to be with her.
I told him I’d call him later and if he needed anything to call me. He said he would, slipped out of the Tahoe and went in the house. I just sat there immersed in thought.
How had this happened? He had always been the patriarch of this family. Made all the rules and decisions and now it seemed he was dropping it all into my lap. I backed out of the driveway and didn’t think about anything really until I was about halfway down Dare Road.
I stopped at Hardee’s and got myself a couple of hot ham and cheese sandwiches and a sweet tea. I ate at the table not really tasting anything. Then I noticed the laptop and wondered if I had gotten an email from Leigh Ann.
Chapter 12
There were two emails from her. I read the first one;
Don, your wife was beautiful! Seeing her face now has made me hurt for you even worse. How awful it must have been to lose her in such a horrible way. I’m so sorry.
But, you are a very handsome man. I love the beard. You didn’t tell me you had one. Do you still have it? I have never kissed a man with a beard. Wow, did that sound bad? I’m not trying to push myself on you. I’m really not.
Write when you can.
Leigh Ann
I read the other email;
Don here’s the link to my Facebook page.
I clicked it. I was shocked! She’s beautiful. She really is. She has beautiful eyes and a big smile. Happiness flooded my heart seeing that smile. And her hair, she’s a redhead! Long wavy red hair down past her shoulders. From the pictures she looked like she had a great body. It would be easy to fall in love with her.
Wait. What? Fall in love? Did I really think that? I looked up at the picture of Miranda. I looked back at Leigh Ann’s picture. Then back to Miranda.
I stood up and walked across the room and stood before her. What could I say? I was moved by another woman. There was no doubt there were feelings there. I’m not sure what though. I mean we had only talked by email just a few times.
But I had used the word love. I said it would be easy to fall in love with her. Did I mean it? Could I really fall in love with another woman? I thought I could. I don’t know if it would be Leigh Ann but I think I could love someone else.
I felt guilty. My whole world had been wrapped up in Miranda for so long and when she died I thought my heart had died with her. But here I am thinking that I could fall in love with another woman I didn’t even know. We’d never even met face-to-face. But she wanted to and I admit so did I.
All of these thoughts passed through my head while I stood there staring at Miranda. I felt like I was cheating on her. But I wasn’t. Not really. She was gone. She had left this mortal earth and had left me alone. Oh, not because she wanted to but she was gone nonetheless.
Usually when I looked at her picture I told her I loved her. I didn’t this time. That didn’t mean I didn’t it just meant… Well, what did it mean? I didn’t know.
I sat down at the laptop and began to write to Leigh Ann;
Hi. It’s been a rough day. My mother passed away today. My dad dropped all the arrangements into my lap. I wasn’t expecting that and am not really sure how to handle it.
I don’t know how I feel about her being gone. We never got along. She made my life a living hell at times.
Well, enough about her. Let’s talk about you. You’re beautiful! I really mean it. You’ve never kissed a man with a beard? I’ve never kissed a redhead. So what are we going to do about both of those?
I looked at that and started to delete it and start over but I didn’t. It was how I felt so why change it?
I really want to see you. (Wow that sounds like something a high schooler would say in a note to his crush!) Unfortunately right now things are up in the air with my mom and dad. I have to meet with the funeral home tomorrow. I don’t know when Dad wants to have the funeral either.
I stopped writing and called Dad.
“Hey Dad. I just wanted to check on you.”
He said he was okay. I asked if he had eaten anything and he said he had eaten a chicken pot pie and was watching television.
“I’m supposed to meet with the funeral home tomorrow. Do you want to go with me?”
“No, I don’t think so. You can handle it.”
That was weird.
“Well, when do you want to have the funeral? This weekend?”
“No, I don’t think so. Let’s wait a couple of weeks.”
“Really? Why?”
“I want to give everyone time to get here.”
Who was everyone? I’d called around a dozen people and most of them were within an hour’s drive. I doubted my cousin in Mississippi would even show up. MY aunt and my mom’s family lived in the Midwest and we hadn’t seen them in years. I couldn’t imagine them appearing. But if that was what he wanted I guess that’s what we’d do.
“Okay, Dad, I’ll take care of it. I’ll call you after I meet with the funeral home.”
“If you want to. I’ll talk to you when I talk to you.” And he hung up.
I just sat there and stared at the phone. Weirder and weirder. I was concerned about him but he obviously didn’t want me bothering him so I’d do what he asked and keep moving on.
I went back and read what I had written to Leigh Ann and started writing again;
I just talked to Dad and he wants to wait two weeks to have the funeral. Don’t ask me why.
So would you like to get together this weekend? If so you pick the place. I’m up for anything. I really need to get out of this house.
Okay, I’ll talk to you later.
Don
I called Danny and told him about my mom. He asked if I needed anything. I told him about when my dad wanted the funeral. He was as perplexed as I was about that.
He asked if I wanted to take a couple of days now to take care of things. I told him I thought I would and thanked him. We hung up after he told me he’d pray for me.
I appreciated that. I really did.
I turned on the TV and sat down in my recliner. I unplugged my laptop and brought it to the chair with me. I sat down, kicked off my shoes and leaned back. I flipped through the channels without finding anything interesting. I sighed and cut the TV off. Instead I brought Pandora up on the computer and listened to music.
There was a chime letting me know I had email. I went to Outlook and saw there were six new emails and one of them was from Leigh Ann. I decided to save hers after I read the other ones. Like a special desert after a meal. Something to look forward to.
Unbelievably there was an email from Grafton Funeral Home. How did they get my email address? I guess Dad had given it to them. So I opened it and read;
We’re so sorry for your loss. We here at Grafton Funeral Home are here to assist you during this difficult time. Please feel free to call at any time. Operators are standing by 24 hours a day. We look forward to serving you.
Really? An ad? I shook my head. I deleted it and saw the rest of the emails were crap too. I opened Leigh Ann’s email;
Oh my gosh Don. I don’t know what to say. You seem to have bad luck just raining down on you. What can I do? I really mean it!
Feel free to call me if you want. My cell number is 555-9961.
And yes, I’d love to get together with you this weekend. How about Saturday afternoon?
Let me know. And feel free to call or write anytime. My phone is always with me. I’m not trying to be pushy but I truly am worried about you.
Leigh Ann
Was she for real? Did she really care about me? How could that be? I
’d call her but not tonight. I hope she wasn’t expecting me to call right then. I hope she wasn’t. I didn’t want to hurt her.
Chapter 13
I didn’t sleep much that night. I woke up at nine and watched the clock until ten. I took a shower and drove over to the funeral home. I don’t know why Dad dumped this in my lap. She should have been making plans for her funeral. It was his wife. He knew her better than anyone.
I had so often felt like an outsider when I was younger I had wondered on more than one occasion if I was adopted and they just hadn’t told me. We were so different. I didn’t have any of the same interests my parents did.
They had been, at one time, the nucleus of the church. I was made to go to church until I graduated high school and by then my mother had her “guilt hooks” so deeply embedded into me I was afraid not to go. When I got the chance to move to Norfolk and attend Old Dominion University I took it. It wasn’t but about thirty miles but it was far enough to pretty much break the chain. It didn’t completely. She tried to keep a tight grip on me up until she had become ill.
I walked in and a man introduced himself as Brian Mark. I assumed he was the owner but he didn’t say who he was. He invited me to come into a room that had a sofa and a couple of chairs. Those funky upside down pole lamps were in the corners providing indirect light. The whole place had a weird smell as funeral homes always do. I wondered if it was embalming chemicals or something. I was to find out later it was the overpowering smell of dying flowers.
We sat and he said, “So what can I do for you sir? I understand your wife passed recently. I’m so sorry.”
“Well, my wife was killed over a year ago. What I am here for is to arrange my mother’s funeral. She died yesterday. You’re not the same guy I talked to then are you? He seemed so much better informed.”
His face reddened. “Ah, no. That must have been Mr. Pearson. John. Let me see if he’s in. I’ll be right back.”
He took off like a shot. Did I embarrass him? I grinned.
Another man came in with a maroon notebook. “Mr. Willoughby?” He held out his hand and I shook it. “I’m John Pearson. I spoke with you yesterday I believe.” He patted the notebook. “I’ve meet with your parents previously and I think I have almost everything I need. I’m going to ask a few questions and you can be on your way.”
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