‘Oh that explains everything!’ Sarah snapped. She sighed, composed herself and tried to remain calm.
‘How can you glibly tell me that you needed a change and just went for it? Do I need to remind you that by making that huge life change you have left behind a wife and three children? By the way just when were you going to ask how they were?’ Sarah asked angry once more despite her best intentions.
She needed to smack him hard. It was taking every inch of her resolve not to.
‘I was just about to.’ He answered defensively. ‘Give me a bloody chance. I feel terrible about leaving the kids behind. I miss them so much. It’s been horrible for me, bet you haven’t even thought about that once.’ He finished on a whine.
‘It’s been horrible for you!’ Sarah exploded. ‘How unbelievably self-absorbed you are! Do you know something, I’ve secretly thought that about you for years and years, but tried my best to ignore it. But this takes the biscuit. You want me to think about how hard this is for you? I’ve done nothing else but do that for weeks now. Worried sick you were going to do something stupid. So please, whatever else you say, don’t say that.’
‘I’m sorry. You’re right, I’m being selfish.’ Paul replied.
‘How could you have made me think you were ill?’ Sarah tearfully asked and Paul moved closer towards her, regret all over his face.
‘I was a coward. It seemed like the kinder thing to say at the time, but the lie just grew and before I knew it, I felt I couldn’t admit that I wasn’t unwell.’
‘Who are you?’ Sarah said. ‘I don’t recognise you anymore.’
She held her head in her hands.
‘You know what hurts the most?’ She asked him. ‘You knew exactly what you were doing. You might as well have stuck a knife in my heart.’
They sat in silence, then Paul spoke, ‘Tell me, how are Katie, Tommy and Ella?’
‘They are well physically.’ Sarah replied, softening a little. ‘But emotionally, this has been difficult for them. Tommy and Katie cried for you on and off for about two weeks. Where’s my Daddy? When’s my Daddy coming home? Then after about two weeks, they stopped asking. But every now and then I hear crying coming from their rooms and Tommy is in tears and your seven year old daughter is trying to comfort him. Or vice versa. They don’t understand why you disappeared like that and my excuse about work just doesn’t cut it with them. As for Ella, she probably has forgotten all about you by now.’
‘Don’t say that! That’s nasty, and you were never nasty.’ Paul said, wounded.
Sarah sighed. She wasn’t getting anywhere by shouting at him. She changed the tone of her voice; did her best to remain calm and reasonable.
‘You know when I found out that you’d moved to London and that you were working away here; I tried to make sense of it. How could you leave me and the children, with no money coming in, and no contact? It just didn’t add up. So I persuaded myself that you really were having a breakdown and that somehow or another you’d gotten amnesia. You’d banged your head or something. There had to be an explanation as to why you would do something like this. Is there, Paul? Help me understand, please.’
Paul remained quiet, not responding. He wouldn’t look Sarah in the eye; he kept shifting in his chair like he was sitting on nails.
‘This isn’t just hard on me and the kids. What about your mother? Rita is heartbroken too by the way, in case you’re bothered.’ Sarah continued. This sparked a response at least.
‘Of course I’m bothered.’ Paul answered angrily. ‘I love my mother!’
‘Well she doesn’t feel very loved right now Paul. She’s been amazing, helping out with the kids. She even tried to give me some of her pension last week, which of course I refused.’
Sarah got up from her chair and faced her husband. ‘Ok, let’s pretend that I’ll go along with this great promotion you got, and that you were too scared to tell me about it, because I wouldn’t want to go. That’s bullshit by the way; we both know that, just for the record. I’ve always been supportive of your career.’ She paused for a moment then reached out to touch Paul’s hand. ‘Yes, I love Ballyaislinn, but I love you more.’
Paul looked embarrassed again. She waited for him to tell her that he loved her too, but he remained chillingly quiet and her stomach started to flip, anxiety growing with every second. She took a deep breath.
‘Let’s just move on from that for now. What I can’t get my head around is the fact that you’ve left me without any financial support. You lied to me and said you had no money coming in, that you were trying to sort out sick pay, when all the time you were working here in London. That’s something that I am really struggling with. How could you do that to us? I assume with this big promotion came a big pay rise, you needn’t deny it!’
‘It’s expensive moving to a new country. I had to find a place to live, deposit, rent in advance. I needed to get some new clothes; it’s different over here. People expect you to look the part. I’m not in bally-go-backwards Ballyaislinn now!’ Paul said indignantly, the whine back in his voice again.
Sarah was incredulous at his sheer neck. She could hardly believe her ears. She wished she had brought James with her now, because right this second she knew he would have decked Paul right out on the pristine white carpet. And maybe that might have made it easier to listen to his words.
‘So while I’ve been scraping together money, digging into our meagre savings, working extra shifts at the boutique, you’ve been splashing out on new clothes to keep up with the bloody Joneses!!’ Sarah exploded angrily.
‘You make it sound so terrible.’ Paul moaned. ‘I’m just trying to make something of myself. Don’t I have the right to live the life that I want?’
Sarah was speechless. Is this what a mid-life crisis looked like? She had tried to envisage what he might say, what excuse he might give. She’d heard a lot of rubbish lines come out of Paul’s mouth over the years to make up for broken promises, but this really won the prize. There was only one more thing she had to ask Paul. She already knew the answer, deep down, but she needed him to say it. Sarah took a deep breath.
‘I have one more question for you and I’d appreciate an honest answer from you.’ Sarah closed her eyes for a second. She was terrified to ask the question, but she knew that it could not be avoided.
‘Does this new life of yours, this new apartment, have any place for your wife and children?’
Paul reddened, sighed dramatically before he sheepishly replied. ‘It’s complicated, Sarah. You wouldn’t like it here. And the kids, getting them into new schools, well, they’d hate it. It’s a bad time to be shifting them to a new country. It’s not me I’m worried about at all, I’m thinking of all of you really, honestly I am.’
Sarah fell back into a chair. Even though she’d half-expected him to say something like that, in that moment of betrayal by her husband, her soul shook.
‘Even though I saw it coming, it hurts so much.’ Sarah whispered to herself.
Paul moved towards her, then thought better of it and stepped back again.
‘I’m ashamed of you, Paul. You’ve done some terrible things during our marriage together, but this time I’m truly ashamed.’ Sarah said wiping away tears furiously.
Paul had tears in his eyes too. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry.’ He repeated.
Sarah felt claustrophobic. Every breath she took hurt, like her ribs had been broken and were pushing into her lungs. She needed to leave and fast. Then she heard Edwards voice whispering in her ear.
‘Sarah, ask him for support. Don’t leave without it. It’s what the children and you are entitled to.’
She paused as she got to the door, turned around and said to him.
‘Sorry is just a word, Paul. And sorry doesn’t pay the mortgage or pay for the groceries. Get your cheque book out, I need some money before I go.’
Paul looked shocked at the request, offended almost with her bringing up the subject of
money.
‘Don’t look so surprised. Surely you knew that you couldn’t just walk out on us all and not pay maintenance? You have obligations, Paul. Now be a man for once in your life. Don’t have me ask you twice. We can do this amicably ourselves or I will get a solicitor who will make sure you pay, you mark my words.’
‘I don’t have any cash on me or a cheque book. Nobody carries a cheque book anymore.’ He said with a last ditch attempt to avoid paying up.
‘What has happened to you?’ Sarah said with contempt. ‘You have changed beyond all recognition. The man I married would never try to shirk his responsibilities. Ok, you obviously don’t love me anymore. But you have three children and I cannot believe that you don’t love them anymore. You have a duty of care to them.’
Sarah placed a card with the name of the hotel she was staying in on the table between them.
‘This is where I’m staying. I’m checking out tomorrow at noon, for an afternoon flight. You have my mobile number. Text me and let me know when you’ll be calling by with some money. Don’t have me come back here in the morning to make a scene. Because I will if I have to, I’ll make such a scene that your new London colleagues will be gossiping for months!’
Paul stuttered, ‘There’s no need for any scenes.’ Sarah could see the panic in his eyes. Having a hysterical ex-wife really didn’t go with this new image he’d cultivated for himself. He continued. ‘It’s no problem at all on the money. I wasn’t going to walk away from my duties as a father. I was going to send some on soon, honestly. I’ll call into the hotel after work at around seven.’
Sarah held her head as high as she could, squared back her shoulders and looked at her husband,
‘I’m sorry we were not enough for you.’ Then walked out of the building with each step she took a symbolic step of walking away from her marriage. She couldn’t stop the tears; they were like a fountain and as quickly as she wiped them away, more would flow.
The walk back to her hotel happened in a blur. ‘Are you ok, Mrs Lawler?’ the receptionist asked with concern.
Sarah was about to say that she was fine; the standard response one makes when asked if they were ok, even when clearly anything but. She smiled in an effort to put a halt to the tears that simply would not stop.
So she quietly said to the kind girl who looked so worried about her, ‘No, I’m not ok, not ok one little bit. My husband has just informed me that he’s left me and our three children. As of today, my marriage of ten years is over. So truth be told, I’m having a shit day.’
She walked to the lift without giving the poor girl a chance to even respond. She knew she shouldn’t have off-loaded on her, it wasn’t fair. But she’d needed to say it out loud she supposed. She really couldn’t get her head around how selfish her husband was. Ex-husband she corrected herself. That would be difficult to get used to – but she might as well start trying.
Chapter Twelve
Feeling desperately alone, Sarah heard Edward whisper to her, ‘You need a friend right now. Give Ruby a call.’
‘Sure we’ve not spoken to each other in years!’
‘Trust me, you need to call her.’ Edward repeated. ‘You have her number. Go on, do it.’
Sarah picked up her mobile and scrolled through the contacts till she found Ruby’s mobile number. She looked at Edward again who nodded and then dialled.
Ruby answered almost immediately.
‘Well, as I live and breathe, Sarah Lawler!’ Ruby’s voice said with excitement.
Hearing her voice brought the tears rushing back again and Sarah could hardly speak, ‘Ruby…’
‘Oh feck, what’s wrong?’ Ruby immediately asked with concern.
‘It’s Paul, he’s left me.’ Sarah answered, crying harder with every word.
‘Ah no Sarah, I’m so sorry!’ Ruby replied, listening in horror to her friend sob down the phone, unable to string a sentence together.
‘Who's with you? You can’t be on your own right now. Is James there?’
‘I’m in London, I’ve got nobody!’ Sarah wailed.
This evoked a squeal from Ruby in response. ‘No fecking way! Ok, you will not believe this, but so am I! I’m here for an overnight with work, for training!’
Sarah stopped crying at that and looked at Edward who was looking pretty pleased with himself.
‘Listen I’ll get out of dinner early tonight with the work gang and I’ll head to your hotel as soon as I can, ok? Hold it together for a little bit longer, I’ll be there soon.’
‘That looks good.’ Paul said to Sarah, pointing to her Amaretto. He had walked up behind her as she was sitting at the bar, her back to the door. He smiled at her and despite herself she felt herself smiling back.
For a moment Sarah daydreamed and allowed herself to believe that the afternoon had never happened. Paul had come to his senses and they’d go home hand in hand. She could just see Tommy and Katie’s face as they saw Daddy arrive home with her. Not to mention how happy Rita would be. They would probably laugh about it all, in years to come. OK, it would take time for her to forgive him, but for the sake of the children she’d try.
Paul indicated to the barman two more of Sarah’s drink.
‘I’m really sorry about earlier.’ Paul said quietly. ‘I was an asshole.’
Sarah looked at her husband intently. He did look genuinely sorry. Was he going to beg her for forgiveness? Could she forgive him? She would of course have to make it difficult for him, make him sweat it a bit. But maybe, just maybe, it was going to be ok.
She smiled. ‘Yeah, you were an asshole. But in fairness, I did catch you off guard.’
They moved from the bar to a booth at the back of the dimly lit room.
They both took a sip of the Italian liqueur that they had become enamoured with years ago on a trip to the Amalfi coast before the kids came along. The sweetness of the almonds caressed Sarah’s tongue, before the hit of the alcohol stung the back of her throat.
‘How many of these would you say we’ve drank over the years?’ Paul asked.
‘Enough that we should have bought shares!’ Sarah quipped back.
The familiarity of drinking ‘their drink’ was not lost on either of them. She felt more relaxed and sank back into the back of the soft seat, letting the tension in her shoulders go for the first time that day.
‘Do you remember the night in that tiny restaurant we loved? What was it called again?’
‘Santa Carina’s!’ They both shouted at the same time.
‘We drank so many Amarettos he ran out of it!’ Paul said.
‘I was mortified! Imagine drinking a place dry!’ Sarah laughed.
‘Ah but fair play to him, he got more in for us the next night!’ Paul replied. ‘His best customers! You’ve got to love the Italians.’ Paul said raising his glass slightly.
‘Cin Cin.’ Sarah replied in Italian, almost shyly. Would he remember?
‘Cin Cin.’ Paul answered laughing. ‘We haven’t said ‘cheers’ in Italian for years. We used to say it all the time after that holiday. When did we stop that?’
Turning to look at Paul, she shrugged and then asked him. ‘I keep asking myself questions just like that. How did we end up here? Was our marriage that bad?’
‘No, of course it wasn’t. We’ve had some great times together. Some of my happiest memories are with you and you’re an unbelievable mother. The kids are so lucky to have you.’
‘Then how can you leave this life behind?’
‘We’ve been drifting apart for a long time now; you have to agree with that.’
Sarah realised with a start that he was right and she acknowledged his words with a slight nod. ‘I’ll admit that things have been a bit flat lately. But I truly didn’t see this coming, Paul. I mean, all marriages go through rocky patches.’
‘They do.’ Paul replied then looked at Sarah and continued. ‘But I felt completely trapped and I’ve been so unhappy for months now. I dreaded coming home every night. It wa
s just the same thing every day. So when I found out about this opportunity in London it just seemed like the answer to my problems.’
The answer to ‘my problems’, Paul had said. Not ‘our problems’ but ‘my’. Sarah could feel herself getting irritated again. Why was it always all about Paul? But then again she’d let him dictate how things went in their marriage for years now. She had wanted a small wedding, him a huge extravagant affair. Paul got his way. Two hundred guests were invited, most of whom Sarah didn’t know and they ended up with a huge debt to start their married life off with. She’d wanted to have children immediately. Paul hadn’t, so they waited and waited until eventually Sarah had to practically bully him into it. Maybe that was the problem she thought suddenly. She’d bullied him into having kids when he wasn’t ready. Ok, they had been married for three years before she’d pushed the point with him. But maybe he’d resented her for this?
A voice in the back of head whispered. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sarah.’ It was Edward again. She knew he was right to an extent, but she had to accept some responsibility here.
‘I’m so sorry you felt like that. I wish you had been able to come and talk to me. Maybe we could have worked something out.’
‘Maybe we could have.’ Paul said, smiling gently at Sarah. ‘You just seemed so busy with the kids all the time, especially since Ella came along. I just felt like you didn’t need me anymore.’
‘Of course I needed you. I still do.’ She finished on a whisper. She wasn’t going to beg him, but she wanted to let him know that they had a chance to get back their life.
Paul looked at his wife quizzically and replied softly, ‘I need you too.’
‘Now, isn’t this cosy?’ A woman’s voice with a London twang said, interrupting them.
Sarah looked up startled, wondering who the voice belonged to. A woman in her mid-thirties Sarah guessed, who was extremely glamorous, from her long, wavy and glossy brunette hair to the perfect red pout she was now prettily pointing in her husband’s direction.
The Life You Left Page 11