The Life You Left

by Carmel Harrington

  ‘Not before I got there first.’ Rita muttered.

  ‘Michelle?’ Sarah asked her.

  ‘I know I’m a bitch sometimes, but I’m not completely heartless. I’ll not say anything to your children. They’ve enough coming their way, without me adding to it.’ Michelle replied.

  ‘Thank you.’ Sarah said to her.

  Sarah gave Rita a kiss and left. It was at times like these that she wished she still smoked. She hadn’t wanted a cigarette in over ten years, but now she’d kill for one.

  She eventually ended up outside the hospital chapel. It was as good a place as any to sit quietly, so she entered.

  She was unsurprised to see Edward waiting for her.

  ‘I can’t do this.’

  ‘It’s an impossible situation.’ Edward replied.

  ‘How can I tell the children that their Daddy is dead?’ Sarah started to cry again. ‘I need you to help me. You have to answer me truthfully.’

  Edward nodded.

  ‘Is there any chance that he could be ok? Is Paul still in there somewhere, trying to wake up and come back to us?’

  Edward looked at his friend and he wished with all his heart that he could take away the pain that Sarah was facing. She was so brave trying to decide what to do, but she was in so much pain. ‘I’m sorry but he’s not coming back. He’s waiting to move on now.’

  ‘You mean he wants us to switch the machine off?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Yes, he’s ready. His father is waiting for him. He wants to bring him home.’

  ‘Thomas is here?’ Sarah whispered. ‘That’s good.’

  Sarah put her head in her hands. ‘I don’t think I can do this.’

  ‘Yes, you can Sarah. You will do what’s best, I have faith in you.’ Edward replied.

  ‘I’m not sure that Rita will agree. I don’t blame her, if it were one of mine…’

  Sarah sighed and closed her eyes to pray for strength.

  ‘Do you trust what I’ve told you?’ Edward asked her, his eyes burning into Sarah’s.

  ‘You know I do.’

  ‘Then let him go, Sarah. It’s his time to go.’

  When Sarah got back to the ward Michelle was on the phone in the corner, talking to her mother, quietly weeping again. Rita was sitting holding Paul’s hand saying a decade of the rosary.

  Michelle put down the phone. ‘I can’t handle this right now. I have to think of my baby. I’m sorry, I loved Paul, but it’s too much. I’m going home.’

  ‘You deserve a say in what happens to him.’ Sarah said to her, incredulous that she was leaving.

  ‘I don’t think I do.’ She replied. ‘I think he loved the idea of me, but we never had what you two had. We had a few months of fun and who knows, if I hadn’t gotten pregnant it would probably have fizzled out by now. I didn’t even know his father’s name! And you want to know why I didn’t know that? Because, I didn’t care. If you love someone you want to know everything about them. So you see, it’s not my decision as to what happens to him. You two should make it, you both loved him. Call me when you decide. But either way, I’m going home tonight and I’m not coming back.’

  ‘You have to be the most selfish woman I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet.’ Sarah said.

  ‘I’ll let you away with that. I probably deserve it.’ Michelle stated.

  She walked over to Paul’s bedside and kissed him lightly on his lips.

  Rita stood up and walked over to her. ‘I’m sorry that you feel you the way you do. I know we haven’t hit it off, but that baby you’re carrying is my grandchild. Please don’t cut me out of your life.’

  She nodded and looked again at the man lying on the bed. ‘I’m sorry.’ She turned and walked out.

  Chapter Thirty Four

  Sarah and Rita joined the others in the family room. All three children were curled up on a couch, fast asleep.

  ‘They were exhausted.’ James told Sarah, ‘I put on the TV in here and about five minutes later they were zonked.’ He looked up at his sister and walked over quickly to her, ‘What is it? What’s happened?’

  Sarah told them the news.

  James was shell-shocked. He’d hated Paul for months for what he’d done to his sister and more than once he’d wished he’d fallen over a cliff, but he’d not really meant it.

  ‘So what happens now?’ Ruby asked.

  ‘We have a decision to make.’ Sarah replied softly.

  ‘I can’t do it. I won’t do it.’ Rita said firmly, Joey close by her side.

  ‘We have to think about what Paul would want.’ Sarah said gently to her.

  ‘He’d want to live!’ Rita declared.

  ‘Not like this.’ Sarah continued. ‘We have to let him go, Rita. Thomas is here waiting for him. Paul wants to go to his father; he’s ready to move on.’

  ‘No.’ Rita shouted, looking alarmed. ‘Stop it! Stop saying such things!’

  ‘What do you mean Thomas is here?’ Ruby asked.

  James walked over to Sarah and asked, ‘Edward?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Ok, that’s the second time you’ve mentioned Edward.’ Ruby stated. ‘What’s going on? Is this to do with how you worked out where Tommy and Paul were?’

  Sarah looked around her. Rita, Joey, Ruby and James all staring at her. Sarah felt sadness overcome her wondering which of these relationships would be a casualty of her confession? Who would find it too much to cope with, just like her parents had?

  But she could no longer hide from the truth of who she was. Eventually she answered Ruby, ‘You’re right; I didn’t just pluck that information from the sky.’

  James walked over to stand closer to Sarah, showing his support.

  She took a deep breath, then continued. ‘I’m psychic.’ She let that sit for a moment. ‘I know that this must seem very strange to you, but it’s very real I promise you.’ Sarah said earnestly.

  ‘When we were children Sarah spent a large chunk of time playing with her guardian angel.’ James interjected.

  Sarah continued with some steel creeping into her voice. ‘Edward – my angel’s name is Edward. You see, my earliest memories always included two people.’ She reached over and held James’ hand and said. ‘Edward and James. They were both always with me; I had such happy memories with them. The two most important people in my life.’

  James squeezed Sarah’s hand, glad that he was here with her now. He knew by this admission, she would be dredging up some very painful memories; she needed all the support she could get.

  She could see the look of scepticism flash across their faces. Joey made the sign of the cross on his chest, as if something evil had just come into the room. In that action she instantly regretted her admission. They wouldn’t understand.

  ‘Give them a chance.’ Edward said to her. ‘Don’t give up without even trying to help them understand.’

  ‘I haven’t seen Edward since I was ten years old, but then about two months ago he came back into my life and I started to have psychic dreams and visions, mostly while I was sleeping, but sometimes they even happen when I’m awake too. And they seem to be pretty accurate.’

  Rita looked like she was about to faint with the shock. Ruby was harder to read.

  ‘And you’re saying that you saw something about Paul’s accident?’ Rita asked.

  ‘Yes. Yesterday, I saw Paul lying in the snow, bleeding. I tried to warn him that he was in danger. He just laughed when I told him.’

  ‘And what about young Tommy? Did you have a dream about that too?’ Joey asked looking confused.

  ‘Not at first. It was only last night that I saw that he was with Paul, in the car.’

  ‘I don’t know what to think!’ Rita said, sounding very hurt. ‘Why have you never told any of us about this before?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Rita; I was very worried about telling anyone. I didn’t want to risk saying anything to you all in case you didn’t believe me, and I couldn’t have borne that.’

  It didn’
t go unnoticed to James that so far nobody had made any comment one way or the other about believing her.

  ‘You said you’ve had several dreams and that they’d come true. What else?’ Ruby spoke for the first time.

  Sarah took a deep breath; she wasn’t sure what to tell them. She looked at Joey and wondered should she tell him about her vision of his future. Maybe later, but not right now.

  She told them about Bridie and how she helped her a few days previously.

  ‘Be the lord.’ Joey exclaimed. ‘That’s some story.’

  James couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on his face.

  ‘It all seems very farfetched.’ Rita said. ‘I don’t know what to think if I’m honest.’

  Sarah felt like crying. She wished with all her heart that Rita would have just stood up and taken her into her arms, saying that of course she believed her. If she said it was true, that was good enough for her. But it didn’t look like that was going to happen.

  ‘Have faith.’ Edward said again to her.

  ‘It must be a lot to take in.’ Sarah acknowledged. ‘I found it very hard to get my head around it all myself, so I understand that it must sound strange to you.’

  ‘What else have you dreamt, Sarah.’ Joey said with obvious curiosity.

  ‘I’ve had dreams about Rachel Finch’s murderer.’ She replied quietly.

  Joey made the sign of the cross on himself again. ‘You’ve seen the murderer?’

  ‘Yes. I dreamt about him and then when I was at the funeral I recognised him from my dreams.’

  James sat down beside his sister. ‘It was because of Sarah’s dream that I looked into Mal Wickham as a possible murder suspect. And now he’s in custody being questioned.’

  ‘You said it was an anonymous tip off!’ Ruby said to him. ‘You never said it was Sarah.’

  ‘It wasn’t my secret to share.’ James said. ‘But I hated lying to you, honestly.’

  ‘Ruby?’ Sarah asked her friend who looked quite pale.

  ‘I’m ok. Just taking it all in. You ever dream about me?’

  ‘No never. But it was Edward who talked me into ringing you when I did. The best thing I’ve ever done.’

  Ruby moved a step closer to Sarah, but still kept her distance.

  ‘Well I’ve never heard the like of this before.’ Rita interjected. She was definitely finding it hard to accept. ‘Angels!’

  ‘I’ve known you for years and you’ve never mentioned a guardian angel before.’ Ruby said. Sarah could tell she was wondering if perhaps it was all made up, but couldn’t work out why.

  ‘I’ve never mentioned Edward to you because, as I said, until a couple of months ago I’d not seen him for years. You see when I told my parents about Edward they didn’t believe he existed. They thought I simply had an imaginary friend and they did everything in their power to make me admit that.’

  She shuddered at the memory.

  ‘It was a horrible time for Sarah back then,’ James said. ‘My parents were relentless in their quest to get her to admit she was making it all up. They just wouldn’t open their minds up for even a moment to contemplate that just maybe Sarah wasn’t telling them lies. The more she was adamant that she was telling the truth the more angry they got.’ He shook his head as he remembered that time. If he was ever lucky enough to have children of his own one day he vowed that he’d never not believe them if they swore something to be true, no matter how fantastical it sounded.

  Sarah continued, ‘They told me if I didn’t admit I was lying that they would start taking away things from me. The first thing to go was the television. I wasn’t allowed watch anything until I admitted I was lying.’

  ‘That went on for nearly a month!’ James remembered.

  ‘Did you see this Edward guy, James?’ Joey asked.

  ‘No, I never saw him myself, but I knew he was there alright. I believed Sarah; we’re twins, we always know if the other is lying. Plus she never lost a single game of hide and seek in all the years we played it. He always told her where I was!’

  Sarah started to smile at the memory. ‘That’s true!’

  James continued, ‘When the TV ban didn’t work they decided that they would take away all of Sarah’s treats. No sweets, no cakes or biscuits, basically she was put on the bare rations for all her meals. And if I even tried to give anything to her, then Dad would go mental. It was cruel.’

  ‘I’d say most children would have said they were lying, just to keep the peace.’ Joey said.

  ‘That’s true.’ James replied. ‘But most people aren’t Sarah.’

  ‘And then finally the bible came out.’ Sarah said. ‘They kept making me swear on it that I was telling the truth. But when I swore that I wasn’t making it up they got really angry, saying I was blaspheming by lying with a bible in my hand. I just couldn’t win. They brought the parish priest in, who in fairness tried to speak up for me, but they wouldn’t listen to him either.’

  Sarah felt a tear run down her face, as she remembered this time in her life that was very painful. ‘I mean, I was brought up always to tell the truth and I wasn’t lying, but by not lying I was getting in such trouble. And it was causing so much pain all around me. I could see that James was also getting it too, because the more he tried to stick up for me, the more mad they got with him too.’

  ‘I should have done more.’ James said with remorse. ‘I’ve always felt guilty for not stopping them.’

  ‘You did more than any ten year old should have to.’ Sarah said in earnest. ‘You couldn’t have stopped them, nobody could. They were on a quest.’

  Sarah had buried the memories so deep it was very painful dusting them off.

  ‘Eventually they ran out of patience with me and brought me to see a doctor. I was referred to a psychiatrist and, to cut a very long story short, I was admitted to a hospital for psychiatric treatment.’ Sarah could feel the tears pouring now. ‘It was horrible there. The questions were endless. I was physically and emotionally at the end of my tether. And then they played their trump card, I was told that James wasn’t allowed to visit me anymore. I was a bad influence on him and they felt it was safer for James if we didn’t spend any time together in future. This was just the last straw for me. I was so scared all the time and so lonely. I loved Edward, but James is my twin. So I told them what they wanted to hear. I told them I’d made it all up and I begged Edward to go away and never come back.’

  Rita stood up and walked over to Sarah. ‘Ah Sarah, how dreadful for you. I always wondered why you and your parents have such a strained relationship.’ She sat down on the other side of Sarah and gave her a hug. ‘How could they not believe you? You’re the most truthful person I know. If you say that this is true, then that’s good enough for me.’

  Sarah slumped into Rita’s arms. She felt years and years of self-doubt and pain pour out of her and a hurt that had been hidden inside a part of her she’d not looked into for a long time, began to heal.

  Joey was crying too. He’d grown awfully fond of the two women who were in such pain in front of him. Having spent years being on his own, with no family so to speak, he finally felt like he was part of something bigger than himself.

  He walked over and said to Sarah, ‘I believe you too. I always thought it was an angel that brought you into my life anyhow. When I think about how lonely I was before you came along… That was no accident was it? You knew how I was feeling?’ He didn’t finish the statement. James thumped him on the shoulder. He had a lump in his throat. He was watching Ruby closely. He needed her to believe Sarah, because if she didn’t, he wasn’t sure where that would leave them both for the future.

  Ruby moved over to Sarah. ‘I would have believed you.’ She stated with such sincerity that Sarah was ashamed she hadn’t trusted her years ago.

  ‘Edward, is he here?’ Joey asked.

  ‘Yes. He says he never left me, but he just didn’t show himself. He’s here when I need him. Like right now.’ She nodded in the di
rection of the sleeping children, where he was standing beside them, on guard.

  Joey jumped and looked quickly over there. ‘Is he standing there now?’

  ‘Yes, as it happens he is.’ Sarah answered.

  For the third time made the sign of the cross and then genuflected for good measure!

  ‘Edward says thank you Joey, but that’s not necessary.’ Sarah said smiling.

  ‘I’ve never been in a room with an angel before,’ he said. ‘Wasn’t sure what the protocol was!’

  Sarah and Ruby started to giggle at this. Before long Rita and James joined in, followed soon by Joey too.

  The highly charged emotions just passed fuelled their giggles, making everything seem alright for a minute.

  Edward said to Sarah, ‘I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. I knew they’d believe you.’

  It wasn’t long before the laughter stopped and they all remembered the reason that triggered the recent heart to heart they had just shared.

  ‘I tried my very best to make Paul believe me.’ Sarah said to Rita earnestly. ‘I even told him that I was psychic. And that was a hard thing for me to admit to, believe me. But he kept making fun of me, he didn’t believe a word I said, I could tell. If only I had known that Tommy was in the car all that time.’

  ‘You said that Thomas is here.’ Rita replied, clasping Sarah’s hand.

  Edward walked over to Sarah and said. ‘Tell Rita that Thomas says, do you remember Kenmare?’

  Sarah turned to her mother and said, ‘Rita, Thomas says to remember Kenmare.’

  Rita paled and whispered, ‘Thomas! You are here!’

  ‘Yes.’ Sarah replied gently. ‘He’s here for Paul and you too. Do you know what he means by Kenmare?’

  Rita nodded. ‘We went to Kenmare for our 30th wedding anniversary. Thomas was sick, but even so we had a great time. We talked for hours; it was like we were young again. I told him I was scared, didn’t want to be on my own.’

  She stood up and looked around the room wondering where her husband was. She held her hand up as if to caress the air in front of her.