by Emma Cole
He started out with his usual, "Hey Remi," when he was addressing something he wanted to talk about, and it only went downhill from there.
"Your mom may have mentioned you're having some issues with the boy up the street."
Mom, no, you didn't! I wanted to melt into a puddle to avoid whatever he was going to say next.
"Oh, my gosh, Dad. I know we are not discussing this. Mom shouldn't have said anything to you! I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine! No need to worry about it!" I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed. I didn't want to talk about this at all. Mom should have had kept my confidence. I was feeling equal portions of embarrassment, betrayal, and anger. I'd be talking to her later, for sure.
"Just hold on a minute. I think I know what your issue is. You know that boy next door, Ethan, is gay right?" Dad didn't seem too broken up about delivering the news.
I swear I felt my heart hit my stomach as I paled so fast, my fingers and toes got tingly. Not only did I feel led on at this point, now my mom had broken my trust, and my dad got to witness my reaction. The least the asphalt could have done was open a convenient sinkhole I could wallow in or dad’s pager could go off. Something to interrupt and let me meltdown in peace.
I figured Ethan would have at least said something about it. Maybe I should have picked up on some of the clues or non-actions from him. Even though he just didn't really seem like it, and I know that was stereotypical of me, but I just really didn't get that vibe from him.
I thanked Dad for telling me the best I could and excused myself to go to my room. Of course, Mom had eavesdropped and was waiting inside the kitchen when I came through the door.
"Thanks a lot, Mom, for running to Dad. Don't count on me coming to you for anything again anytime soon. That was none of his business! I asked for help, and you took it upon yourself to betray my trust. You could have at least told me yourself, since you knew about it."
The guilt on her face confirmed that she'd known and had let dad handle it anyway. Before she could try to defend herself, I turned on my heel and raced up the stairs, all the way to the attic, locking both doors behind me.
Ethan and I were supposed to go swimming today, but I didn't think I could face him. It wasn't that I minded that he was gay, but he hadn't even tried to tell me. He should have, especially after I tried to kiss him yesterday. He should have said something.
I decided to take a few days before broaching the subject. I sent him a message, letting him know I couldn't make it today. Almost immediately, I got a text back, asking if there was something wrong. I assured him everything was fine and that I would talk to him when I could.
After two days, I'd gotten over my melancholy mood. I still hadn't said more than the bare minimum to my parents. Mom, especially, received the cold shoulder. She always, always, had to kowtow to dad. I didn't know why I'd thought it would be any different this time.
I'd sent a text to Ethan, asking him to meet me in the orchard. I was as prepared as I could be. Even if he didn't want to talk about it, that was fine, I just wanted it out in the open. It would be the first time meeting in the apple orchard together. Oh, I still took my walks, but I hadn't been out there with anyone other than Alex since Dylan and Beck had left.
Reaching the grove first, I made my way through to the other side to find a tree in sight of his property so I could see him coming, and I settled in to wait.
I could tell he knew something was wrong by the expression on his face when he walked up. I was sure not speaking for a couple days had already clued him in, if my request to meet hadn't.
"Hey."
That's all I got from him, one word.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded.
He looked confused. "Tell you what exactly?"
I guessed I was going to have to be blunt and spell it out for him.
"Why didn't you tell me you were gay? I understand at first, but after we hung out for a while, you could have told me. You should know by now I wouldn't have cared. Well, not much, anyway. You even asked me out on dates. I'm feeling a little awkward, here, that I was interested and you weren't." I wrapped my arms around my middle as if to hold in everything I wanted to say and couldn't.
Understanding lit his eyes, and he was quick to answer me, rushing his words out. "Well, I thought I was, mostly. I guess you'd call it bisexual not strictly gay. I haven't ever really been interested in females, even if I found them attractive. Then I saw you and got interested, and thought… I might want to see how it would go."
Now I was the confused one. "But my dad said... Yours told him…"
Ethan sighed and answered my fumbling sentence. "I see the problem now. Yes, my father thinks that I'm gay. It's been an issue between us, so it's not something I usually advertise. As for your dad knowing, he probably checks into anyone you'd be around with. Mine does to protect his reputation.”
Now I felt bad as well as hurt. "I'm sorry if I offended you. I just didn't understand why you couldn't have told me. You know I wouldn't care, right? Other than obvious personal reasons, but we'd still be friends and hang out."
He started and stopped several times before getting out, "That's why, Remi. I don't want to be your friend. Or at least, I don't want it to stop there. I want to explore the feelings I have for you. Just wasn't sure how to reconcile that with other personal things." His usual confidence and smugness were missing.
I was confused yet again. "I'm not following. Sorry. For clarification, you do find me attractive, you want to act on that attraction, and you have other personal issues that make you hesitant to do so…" I ticked each item off on my fingers, and as soon as I said the last one, my gaze jerked up to meet his. "You're with someone already!"
I was crushed after the brief elation, but I wouldn't have any cheating going on. Not from my end and not knowingly from his.
He put his hands up, palms out. "No, wait, that’s not what I meant. I was interested in someone at school. I think he was interested back, but an all-boys school isn't exactly a place to fly the pride flag unless you want your ass kicked. Not that the majority isn't okay, but the ones that aren't, you have to live with. What I'm trying to say and am bumbling, apparently, is, yes, I had someone I was interested in. I'm also interested in you, and as I hadn't started a relationship with that other person, I would like to see where it could go with you. There, is that clear enough?"
I heard him mutter under his breath about now knowing why everyone says it's always so hard to talk to girls. That surprised a small laugh out of me, relieving a lot of the tension.
"If you're sure that's the case, then I would be interested in seeing where things go. And who knows, it's just a summer and then you have to go back to school, I'm assuming?"
"Yes, I'll be going back for my final year. So now that that's out of the way, you want to come over and watch a movie?"
That quick, the awkwardness was over. Funny how a conversation could have avoided the last couple days of stress and upset. I agreed to go watch a movie with him at his house. I texted my mom to let her know where I was going.
Chapter Nine
For the next couple weeks, we were nearly inseparable. I gave Alex nightly updates on the day’s happenings. I was completely, irrevocably infatuated with Ethan. Physically, things didn't progress much, as he'd not done much at all with females, which was fine with me. We discussed everything from birthdays to likes and dislikes of food and movies. When I told him how I'd gotten my name from Mom and Dad's favorite things and about the movie marathons, he took up calling me Reese Cup. I felt nearly as comfortable with him as I did with Alex.
One afternoon, we were hanging out together, and I was browsing his laptop for a movie for us to watch. It was my turn to choose, and I'd accidentally clicked over to another open tab. The contents caused my eyes to go round in surprise and curiosity. And of course, that's when Ethan happened to look over.
He lunged to close the lid yelling, "Oh bloody hell, I didn't mean for you to see that! I tho
ught I closed that window. I promise I'm not a deviant… I was just looking at the different kinds of things there are."
Poor dude was embarrassed. I didn't think I'd seen a flustered Ethan before, and now it had been twice in one day. I had a hard time not giggling but subdued the urge. I didn't hurt his feelings.
"I have seen sex toys before, Ethan. It's not the end of the world. I was just surprised to see them on your screen. And the types that were there. But I guess if you're attracted to guys, you would probably need those kinds to figure out how things work.”
On the screen, I had caught glimpses of all sorts of insertable silicone and glass objects. Some to be used alone, and some looked like they had harnesses you attached them to.
"I've actually thought about buying some before myself," I said, trying to console him.
Ethan looked at me hopefully, yet a bit incredulously. "You have? I know we went over the subject, and that you haven't really gone that far with anyone."
"Yes, I have. Looked into, that is," I clarified when he raised a brow in question. "I decided I wanted my first time to be with myself. In that sense, anyway. I can't see how ruining a good time with pain and unpleasantness would be fun. Also, I'm pretty sure tampons took care of that a few years ago. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to self-pleasure. When something with batteries can get it done just as well, then why not?"
"I have to say, Remi, I'm really surprised at how laid-back you are about all this. I think most girls would freak out, thinking I wanted to do something to them that they weren't interested in. Um..." He paused to rub the back of his neck before finishing. "Since it's already open, do you want to pick something out and then we can share our first times while you're alone. If you want?"
I bit my lip while I contemplated it. I thought that it was really hot—and sweet, too—that he wanted to include me.
"Only if you pick one out, too."
Ethan looked surprised for a second that I agreed, before he grinned and nodded. "Should we get a variety?"
I laughed, kind of embarrassed, but he still wanted to know. "I think just one would work fine, maybe two," I answered. "I can give you cash for it, but I don't want these on my debit card. I think my dad goes through my statements regularly." I'd found that out recently and wondered if that had had anything to do with them coming home early last summer. I had used my card at a couple places with Dylan and Beckett.
"I have a PayPal account,” Ethan continues, “and it's my money that I earned from my last job. I just haven't worked this summer so I could hang out with you. Not that I really need to, I only worked last year for something to do."
I admit, I was curious but didn't feel it was my place to pry.
We made our selections and high-fived each other after we'd hit the complete purchase button. Admittedly, he'd gotten his way in the variety department with the excuse they were a gift. I'd shrugged it off. I wasn't going to complain about it.
We'd spent the rest of the evening talking about things, like what we wanted to do after school and playing cards. Ethan had wanted to play poker. I wasn't very good at it, but he said it would be something else we could practice.
We'd indulged in some heavy petting over the last week and I was itching to do more. One evening, that's exactly what happened.
After that night I had been elated. I'd even asked my dad to let Ethan teach me how to drive his motorcycle just on the lane. He'd finally caved, and I thought it was because that was the first time I'd really talked to him since the Fuzzy Dice incident, as I now referred to it in my head. He'd said it was okay as long as we didn't go any further than our street. Dad kept busy outside the entire time Ethan had given me the riding lesson.
When I had the hang of it, Ethan had had me drive to his house to hang out. Midway through a movie while I was snuggled up to him on his bed, his dad came in. He hadn’t looked pleased to catch even though we weren’t doing anything wrong. He’d asked me to leave, as he had some things he needed to discuss with Ethan. I was embarrassed at being kicked out, but Ethan assured me that was just how his father was and he’d call me later or send a text if it was too late. I’d declined the offer for a ride home and walked instead, not wanting to anger his dad.
In hindsight that day was probably the final straw for my dad.
I'd caught the tail end of a conversation the next night at home. I hadn’t seen or heard from Ethan all day and had only gotten a text from him the night before that he was fine. Dad was on the phone, saying he'd thought 'this was discussed and wasn't going to be an issue'. I wasn't sure why, but a sense of dread had filled me. Maybe something like a budding woman's intuition or just plain paranoia after last year. It just seemed so much like Déjà vu, only this time I was more than a little invested in our relationship. It had progressed beyond mere friendship and into the possibility of a more serious commitment.
To reassure myself that I was being silly, I messaged Ethan. I got the 'delivered and read' response, but nothing else. Worried now that something was wrong, I called the house number. His father answered and told me Ethan was busy and he’d pass along the message that I’d called. Not having considered he might be in the middle of something, I’d decide I just needed to be patient and wait.
Come morning, it was apparent I wasn't getting any response. I had tried to call his cell after I sent yet another message and the number had been disconnected.
I wasn't going to let this happen a second time without getting an explanation. Shoving my feet into a pair of tennis shoes, still in my tank top and lounge pants, I threw open my car door, determined to drive over there. Before I sat down, I realized that there were items in my seat. A copy of The Complete Alice and a medallion from Ethan's school. My stomach plummeted. I knew then, that he wasn't coming back. I didn't know what happened or why, and my heart was broken.
Upset, I’d refused to believe it and had driven to his house, where I was informed by Ethan’s housekeeper that he’d left, along with his parents. She said she was closing the house up for them. Devastated, I left to go back home.
I called Alex, crying, and she'd consoled me the best she could from so far away. I spent the rest of the day going over what could have gone wrong. I'd napped on and off between bouts of crying. Mom and Dad were still gone for the day; Mom running her errands and Dad at work. Thinking of him, I remembered the conversation that I had overheard a snippet of the night before. I couldn't believe that it would have been about me, but I couldn’t come up with any other good explanation. I'd waited for him to get home to confront him.
When my dad got home that evening, I gave him just enough time to get relaxed and have dinner before I'd asked him if he knew Ethan had had to leave. He made a non-committal sound but something in his expression told me he knew more about it than that.
"You were talking about him last night, weren't you?" I hadn't raised my voice, not yet. I was still hoarse from crying earlier. Plus, this was my dad—I didn't want to freak out and yell at him.
"Remi, it's not what you think." Of course, he'd have some logical reason. Just like last time...
"What, exactly, is it that I'm thinking, Dad? That I'm nearly positive that you had something to do with sending him away? You didn't even let me tell him goodbye." I wrapped my arms around my chest in defense, feeling like I'd fly apart without getting to see Ethan again.
After several attempts on what to say, Dad never actually got anything out.
"You did, didn't you? You made him go away. I don't even understand why." My voice expressed the exasperation I'd felt, while I tried to get a straight answer.
Dad chose his words carefully and spoke more slowly than usual, as if he didn't want to speak at all. "Ethan's father is an ambassador for another country. As a liaison for the agency, we work together, but he's still under my authority. You're my daughter. My only daughter, my only child. That means that I want to protect you from a temporary fling. That I don't want you getting pregnant before you go to college. This w
as already discussed, and it wasn't supposed to happen. You guys could be friends, but I was assured that he wasn't even interested in girls. That's what I thought until I saw how you were on his motorcycle the other day. I won't apologize for protecting you."
Now I wondered if he knew what we'd ordered and what we'd done with the items. I was mortified to think that my parents or his had found out about that.
"Are you spying on me?" I was incredulous.
"His father told me some of what you had been up to, just like last year—” He looked guilty as heck, probably wishing he'd cut off what he was saying sooner.
I fell all the blood rush from my face for the third time that day, as a horrible realization about the twins and now Ethan was made clear. They'd all three gone without a word.
"You sent them away, too! How could you do that to me? It's one thing for you to be overprotective, but this is insane! This is all what the car was about. To distract me or make up for what you did or both! What the hell is wrong with you?" My abused voice cracked as I finished on a yell. My mom had stood in the doorway, probably contemplating a way to smooth it all over. Like always.
"It's my job to know things. Did you think that I wouldn't be keeping tabs on you and whoever you're with? By the way, the things I've found out both times were unacceptable." He did know. About all of it. Thankfully, I was too pissed to be embarrassed.
"You couldn't have talked about it like normal people do? I may not be an adult yet but it's not like I'm a child that wouldn't understand. I may not have liked your decisions, but you could have grounded me. You could have done a lot of things. You could have at least let me keep my friendships or say goodbye. You didn't have to do what you did. I really hate you right now. And you, too." I directed the last at my mother where she just stood watching the drama.
Bawling, I took off past her for my bedroom. She'd tried to stop me, and I'd weaved around her, evading her outstretched hand. I heard my dad call behind me, and mom said something to him that I couldn't make out. I knew from her lack of surprise or support she had been complicit as well. The perfect fucking Stepford wife.