A few months back I ran into an old friend of mine, James Thurston, at a Cambridge reunion. We hadn’t seen each other in decades. James taught at Oxford for many years, and somehow we came around to the topic of Elizabeth. James had met her briefly when we were together, and said that he’d seen her every day for years, working in the admissions office. He told me she’d had a son. You.
At first I’d assumed she’d met someone else, gotten married, had a child with him, but my friend said that wasn’t the case. Elizabeth had never married. And word was that the child was the result of an affair—the affair that had caused her to move to Oxford. When he told me the time period, it all began to fall into place. I realized that the pregnancy was what had caused her to run from me in the first place. I had told her that I wasn’t interested in having children—that I wanted to travel and see the world. While I hadn’t wanted to bring a child into my horrid marriage, I would have loved to have had a baby with Elizabeth. And apparently I did just that. Only I didn’t know.
When I got my wits about me I asked my friend if he knew where I could find Elizabeth now, and he told me that she’d passed away years ago. My heart broke all over again. He said you were only a teenager at the time, and had been sent away, but he didn’t know where. I tried to find out, but ran into dead ends at every turn. Then, by some miracle, I ran across your name and photo in the New York Times. At first I wasn’t certain it was you. I was afraid it was wishful thinking, but your photo looked so familiar I had to pursue more information. You were born seven months after your mother left me. And I’m quite certain that while we were together she wasn’t with anyone else.
I imagine this must come as quite a shock to you. I know how it impacted me. I had months to get used to the idea while I was searching for you and it still feels odd to finally be contacting you. Now that I have, I hope that we can talk and get to know another. I never remarried, and I never forgot your mother. I would love to have any part of her back in my life again.
If you could find it in your heart to contact me, I’d truly be grateful.
All my best-
Roger
Daniel remained with his mouth gaping.
Marienne walked into the room and stopped. “What’s wrong?” She moved to Daniel’s side and put her hand on his shoulder. Her face fraught with concern. “Are you okay?”
“I just got a letter from a man who claims to be my father.”
****
Marienne’s jaw dropped. “What?”
Daniel opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again, gesturing at the email that was still open on his computer screen. She glanced at the screen then back at Daniel. His pale skin contrasted with the darkness of his eyes. “Are you all right?” She stroked his arm but he pulled away and stood up.
“Read it.” He started to pace around his office.
She sat down in his desk chair and scrolled to the beginning. He paused behind her and read over her shoulder for a moment then turned and left the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“I need a drink.”
Marienne sighed. She’d never seen him so upset. Daniel knew nothing about his father, but had always hated him. His understanding was that his father had abandoned his mother when he learned of her pregnancy. Daniel had never searched for him because he wanted nothing to do with a man who could have caused his mother so much pain. This letter indicated that wasn’t exactly the case.
Marienne’s eyes welled with tears as she read. It seemed clear this man had loved Daniel’s mother very much. And still did. Now he wanted to meet the son he’d been denied all these years. Marienne couldn’t imagine what that would be like. To have a child and not even know. To miss all the milestones. So many milestones that Daniel had had to go through alone. It broke her heart to think about it. She heard Daniel coming back down the hallway. He strode into the office, glass of scotch in his hand, and slumped into his lounge chair.
He never drinks scotch.
Marienne crossed the room and knelt down next to him, her hand on his leg. “What are you going to do?”
Without even looking at her he stood up and began pacing again. “Do?” He ran his hand through his hair and took a gulp of scotch. “I’ve no idea. I don’t even know who this man is. He’s probably some lunatic.” He drained the rest of the glass and set it down extra hard on the edge of his desk. His palms ground against his eyes. He spun his chair toward him with too much force, and it slammed into his desk, causing the ice cubes in his glass to rattle. “Summer of 1967. So what? What does that prove? That he met my mother? That he thought she was pretty? Of course he did. Everyone did. None of this means that she gave him the time of day let alone had sex with him. Bloody bastard could have been stalking her for all I know. Maybe she moved to Oxford to get away from him because he was harassing her at work.” His eyes scanned through the letter again and Marienne could tell he was hoping to find an inconsistency, something that would prove it wasn’t possible for the letter to be real.
Marienne bit her lip, uncertain how to proceed. She believed the letter. It was so heart-felt and detailed. Not to mention that the writing sounded very much like Daniel’s. Could be a coincidence. But the timing. From what she knew of Daniel’s mother she had, in fact, moved back to Oxford pregnant. And getting pregnant by a married man was certainly reason to run away, and to not trust the man. Daniel had often said his mother had horrible luck with men, constantly picked the wrong ones. Marienne had always been able to relate to that. Before Daniel every single man in her life had treated her horribly—cheated, lied, broken her heart. If that had been Elizabeth’s experience, it was perfectly understandable why she might not have faith that her married lover would leave his wife. And if he’d said he didn’t want children….it all made sense. Marienne could imagine Daniel’s mother, young, pregnant, frightened, wanting to protect her baby and herself from further heartbreak. She looked at the pained expression on Daniel’s face. It didn’t work. His heart is breaking anyway.
She stood up and moved beside him, gently resting her arms on his shoulders.
He reached up and touched her hand. “This can’t be true,” he said.
She closed her fingers around his and took a deep breath. “But what if it is?”
****
The sound of Drew’s crying drifted downstairs.
Marienne kissed the back of Daniel’s head. “I’ll go up and feed him, then I’ll come back down.”
“It’s okay, you can go to bed.”
“No, I want to talk to you about this. I won’t be long.”
Daniel listened to the sound of her climbing the stairs. I don’t know that I want to talk about this. I don’t even want to think about it. Not thinking wasn’t working. His brain was speeding faster than he could keep up with the thoughts. His heart pounded so erratically he wondered if it would stop altogether.
The words on the screen were beginning to blur together. Fell in love. Unhappily married. Desperate. Heartbroken. I would have loved to have had a baby with Elizabeth. Daniel thought he might be sick. Could this be what happened? Did she run away rather than being left? No. That wasn’t what she’d said. He struggled to remember her words. She’d spoken so little of his father, had always been so vague. He wished he could talk to her and ask her. His chest ached at the thought.
He read the letter again, and then again, hoping it would start making sense, or start hurting less. She wouldn’t have kept Daniel a secret if she’d known Roger wanted a child. That wasn’t possible. That would have been cruel and his mother was anything but cruel. Anger percolated, threatening to overflow at any moment. Who was this strange man to come out of nowhere and start trying to tarnish his mother’s memory? How dare he? Daniel was about to open an email and write him back, telling him off, when Marienne came back into his office. She approached him cautiously, like she was afraid he might explode. He wasn’t at all sure he wouldn’t. Everything seemed upside down.
She bent and kissed him. It was just the distraction he needed. Her lips were warm and soothing against his. Her silky hand stroked his cheek. He ran his hand beneath her pajama shirt, feeling her skin burn against his ice-cold fingers. He focused only on her, easing out of his chair and drawing her down onto the carpet alongside his desk. He needed to feel her all around him, to lose himself in her.
****
The speed of Daniel’s movement took Marienne by surprise. His hands moved over her quickly, unbuttoning her shirt, pulling her pants down. He kissed his way down her body, leaving a trail of heat as he went.
She gasped as his tongue traced over her. Her fingers wove into his hair and he moaned against her, sending vibrations straight to her core. He kissed his way back up to her mouth. She reached to undo his buckle but he pushed her hand aside, swiftly maneuvering out of his pants and climbing on top of her.
The rough carpet rasped at her back but the weight of him felt good. She wanted him inside her, wanted to help take his pain away, if only for a few moments. He moved inside her, his body straining against her. She stroked her hands up and down his back, kissing his chest. His breath came hard and fast against her ear. She struggled to listen for the sound of Ella’s door opening.
His voice was thick. “Come for me,” he whispered, lifting his head to look at her. His eyes were black and pleading.
She held his gaze, moving with him. Her heart beat faster. “Oh God.” She pressed harder, grinding with each thrust, her fingers clutching at his back. The look in his eyes was so intense it burned, creating a heat that surged through every inch of her. She felt the orgasm start to tumble through her. “Daniel.” She gasped as she started to shake around him. His eyes finally closed, and he placed his mouth on hers. Within moments she felt him shudder then he stilled on top of her, breathing hard against her cheek.
She wrapped her arms around him, not caring that she was being crushed into the carpet. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” His breath was starting to slow. Just as she thought he was beginning to relax, the bells on Ella’s door made their whispery jingle.
“Shit.”
They both tensed, scrambling off one another and grabbing at clothes.
Marienne yanked on her pajama bottoms and straightened her shirt then rushed up the stairs.
****
Daniel struggled into his pants and sat up. His fingers combed through his hair. He felt calmer but the knot in the pit of his stomach remained. He got up and shut down his computer, not allowing himself to look at the words on the screen.
He climbed the stairs, hearing Marienne murmuring to Ella. He undressed and flopped into bed without brushing his teeth. He wanted to sleep. That wasn’t happening. The words tumbled back into his brain. He willed them to go away.
Marienne crept into the room and quietly closed their door. He heard her flick the baby monitor on and felt her slide into bed beside him. Her hand slid around his waist.
“Talk to me,” she said.
Daniel sighed. He didn’t know what to say.
“Tell me what’s going through your mind.”
He wanted to feel the warmth of her next to him, but he didn’t feel like discussing anything. Marienne clearly had other ideas. She sat up. He took a deep breath, trying to be patient.
“You’re going to write back, aren’t you?” she asked.
Daniel felt his jaw tense. “I don’t know.”
“You have to.”
“I don’t have to do any such thing.” His voice sounded harsher than he intended, but the sentiment was accurate. I don’t have to respond to that man.
“But what if he’s your father?”
Daniel opened his eyes to see Marienne staring at him, a look of disbelief on her face.
“So what if he is? Which I don’t know that he is. He’s a total stranger. I’m under no obligation to—”
“Aren’t you curious?” She interrupted him. “Don’t you at least want to hear what else he has to say? He sounded desperate to contact you.”
“So because some stranger sounds desperate I’m supposed to change around my entire life to accommodate him?” He wanted this conversation to be over, now.
“I’m not saying you should change your life, I’m saying it’s worth talking to him. He seemed sincere in what he said.”
“Sincere? In a letter? For all you know he could be a con artist. Or he could have done exactly what my mother said, found out that she was pregnant and abandoned her. I’m not going to take the word of some stranger over my own mother’s.” He realized he was shouting and lowered his voice.
Marienne’s eyes were huge as she stared at him. “I’m sorry,” she said. She ran her hand across his hair, and her touch soothed him. “You’re right. Of course you’re not going to believe a stranger over your mother. His story just….” She paused and looked down.
“What?” His eyes narrowed. Her fingers continued to stroke his hair.
“It reminded me a little of our story.” Her eyes met his.
Daniel was confused. “Our story?”
“In some ways, yes. We were both unhappily married when we met, and we fell in love. It took years for us to finally get together, but we did, and we’ve been so happy. We’re so lucky that things worked out the way they did. What if your parents were in a similar situation only it didn’t work out as well. What if it was all a misunderstanding? She thought he wasn’t going to leave his wife and didn’t want children, but he did leave his wife and he wanted her baby—what if they were meant to be together but it all went wrong? It’s all so sad. For all three of you.”
All three of us.
Daniel realized she meant his mother, his father and him. He’d never thought of the world in the context of having two parents.
“Don’t you think it might be worth it just to talk to him? To hear his version of what happened? In case what he said is true? It won’t change anything about your mother. She’ll still be the same woman you loved. The same woman who loved you so much and raised you to be the wonderful man I fell in love with.” Her warm hand rested on his chest. “But you might gain a father.”
Tears stung behind his eyes. The anger had drained out of him and he was exhausted. He needed to stop talking. “I don’t know.” He managed to say. He rested his forehead against Marienne’s.
She rubbed her nose against his then kissed him. “Come, lay down.” She pushed him back against the pillows and he went, gladly. She snuggled up next to him, rubbing his chest. “We don’t have to talk anymore. Just sleep.” Her voice was soft, her body so warm, her hand soothing. He drifted right off.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Daniel awoke to the sound of Drew whimpering. He turned off the monitor to let Marienne sleep. He padded down the hall to Drew’s room, rubbing the sleep out his eyes.
“What’s wrong little man?” he asked.
Drew stood in his crib, tears glistening on his cheeks in the glow of the spinning lamp. Daniel lifted him out of the crib and kissed his salty nose. Drew squirmed, his fingers in his mouth.
“You’re teething, aren’t you? Come, let’s get you one those icy things to gnaw on.”
They headed to the kitchen and Daniel took one of the nubby covered teething rings out of the fridge. “Let’s try this.”
Drew immediately stuck it in his mouth, watching Daniel with tearful eyes.
Daniel yawned. It was four in the morning. Too early to be up, but late enough that by the time he got back to bed, he wouldn’t get much sleep. Perfect. He settled onto the couch with Drew. “Would you like to read a story?”
Drew nodded, chewing harder.
Daniel mopped a string of drool off his chin. “Dr. Seuss?” He held up The Cat in the Hat. “Where The Wild Things Are?” Drew grabbed it out of his hands and tossed it onto the floor. “Clearly not…. How about PB Bear? That’s always been one of your sister’s favorites.”
I’m so glad you’re growing up with both a mum and a dad, and a big
sister.
Daniel loved his mother more than anything, but it had been lonely being an only child and having it be just the two of them most of the time. He was glad his children wouldn’t grow up that way. He propped Drew against his chest and started to read. “Happy birthday PB Bear….”
Two books later Drew was asleep, warm and heavy, sprawled across Daniel’s chest. Daniel stared down at him. His little mouth hung open, shiny from drool, his breath smelled sweet. Daniel rested his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes.
Roger Cromwell. The name kept coming back into his mind. Could this man be my father? He’d had a million scenarios in his head over the decades, of what his father might have been like. In his mind he’d always been some sort of monster. A horrible, cold-hearted man who’d callously broken his mother’s heart and had rejected even the idea of having a child. He’d hated the imaginary man for causing his mother so much pain and for abandoning him. It was impossible to reconcile that image with the letter he’d received.
Not that he believed the letter. Probably all rubbish. He must want something. Why else surface after all these years? Still, what if Marienne was right. What if Roger really had just found out about him? And things did happen the way he said in the letter? The nagging sensation returned, deep in Daniel’s stomach. He wasn’t ready to believe that could be true. He couldn’t completely grasp the idea of it.
He nestled further into the couch, relaxing under Drew’s heat, his hand resting on his small fleece-covered back. As he focused on the steady little breaths, he finally succumbed to sleep.
****
Marienne awoke to the sound of Daniel’s alarm clock. She rolled over and saw that his side of the bed was empty. She stretched across the bed, noticing that his pillow was cold.
Where is he?
She untangled herself from the bedcovers and grabbed one of his sweatshirts off the dresser. It was a chilly morning, and her robe was still in the dryer—she’d never gotten around to finishing the laundry because of the email crisis. Daniel’s father. The thought was extraordinary. After all these years for a father to surface, to want to be in touch with Daniel.
Holding On Page 20