“I miss you too. Daniel, but that’s not why I’m calling. I’ve got to tell you something.”
He stiffened. “Okay.”
“Your father’s had an accident. He fell down a flight of stairs at his hotel. He’s at Mass General. He was in Boston on business. I got the call a few hours ago, and I’ve been trying to reach you. He’s in critical condition.”
“Critical?” he asked. He sank down onto the bed.
“Yes. There’s a lot of swelling on his brain. They need to operate….” She paused. “I can try to find someone to watch the kids so I can head to Boston. Why don’t you see if you can change your return flight to Boston instead of Manchester?”
Daniel couldn’t think. He’d been so busy being mad at his father he hadn’t considered what it would feel like to lose him. Now that was a very real possibility.
“Daniel, are you there?”
“I’m here,” he said. “You’re right. I’ll try to change my flight. You don’t have to go to Boston, I’ll handle it when I get home. He’s not your responsibility.”
“You’re my responsibility. I love you. And no matter how stubborn you are, I know how hard this is going to be for you. I’ll be there. For both of you. Just come home safe.”
“I love you too.” He hung up the phone.
Justine eyed him warily. “You all right?”
He nodded, sweeping his hand through his hair, cringing as he moved it. “Oww.” He’d forgotten all about the bruises.
“Here.” Justine grabbed a small towel from the bathroom and filled it with ice. She sat down on the bed next to Daniel and placed it on his hand. “I’m sorry I picked up the phone. I thought it was the front desk calling about my car. It’s probably for the best though. I apologized to Marienne, for the other time. And I told her how you went after Byron to defend me. That was very heroic, by the way. No one’s ever done anything like that for me.” She readjusted the ice. “That better?”
“Yes, thanks.”
“I also told Marienne I’m not a threat to her. That I couldn’t be if I tried. You love her, not me. And that wasn’t an easy thing to say to your wife, I might add.”
Daniel smiled. “Thank you.”
“It was literally the least I could do. I’m sorry about your dad, by the way. I hope he’s okay.”
“So do I,” Daniel said.
Justine rested her hand on Daniel’s shoulder and they sat in silence until the phone rang, telling them her car had arrived. It was time for both of them to go.
Chapter Fifty
Daniel opened his laptop, trying to think of things to keep him busy as he flew to Boston. He scrolled through his emails and saw the one Roger had sent days earlier. He’d been in such a hurry when he’d read it he could scarcely remember what it said. All he did remember was feeling pissed off and nearly deleting it. He was glad he hadn’t. He clicked it open.
Dear Daniel,
I’m sure a letter from me is the last thing you want to receive, but I don’t know how else to say these things to you. I apologize for all the angst and trauma I have brought into your life these past months. I truly never meant to cause you any stress, I only wanted a chance to meet my son.
There are no words to express how much it has meant to me to be able to see you, and to meet your lovely wife and children. It brings me great joy to know that you have such a full, rich life, and I’m thankful you allowed me the chance to be even a small part of it.
I’ve come to accept that I was too late to salvage a father-son relationship, and for that I will always feel regret. I’m heading back to London at the week’s end, so you’ll no longer need to worry about me popping up at your home.
I wish you all the success and happiness in the world. You deserve nothing less.
All my best,
Roger
Daniel felt tears prickling the backs of his eyes. He rubbed at them with his fingertips, willing them to stay at bay. The letter had sounded so different the first time he’d read it. He’d felt it was just another of Roger’s smooth attempts at insinuating himself into Daniel’s life, into his family. Now he saw it for what it was. The missive of a man who’d tried his best and was giving up, because Daniel hadn’t offered him an alternative.
His chest tightened.
What have I done?
****
The smell of the hospital hit Daniel the moment the automatic doors opened. His stomach lurched. Ever since his mother had taken ill the odor had made him nauseated. He walked down the pastel corridor, following the painted arrows that pointed toward intensive care.
The elevator numbers dinged as each went by. Daniel’s heart raced faster as each floor passed. He anchored his hand in his hair, rubbing the back of his neck but his tension level was only increasing. He shifted the weight of his backpack to his other shoulder.
I don’t know if I can do this.
He considered riding the elevator back to the first floor, hailing a cab and leaving. He could rent a car and be home in three hours. He wanted to see Marienne and the kids and forget about all of this. A part of him couldn’t deal with what was happening. Roger can’t be dying. I don’t even know him yet. The word ‘yet’ made Daniel flinch. He could have known him by now, if he’d given him a chance. Roger had been patient with him and yet Daniel had rebuffed him at every turn. He had been cold. Distant. Cruel. Now he might not have a chance to change that. To apologize.
The doors opened, and Daniel stepped out into the hallway. The odor intensified. Machines beeped, and there was a steady pulsating whir from ventilators and monitors. Daniel forced himself to head to the nurses’ station. “I’m looking for Roger Cromwell. I’m his son.” The words sounded foreign as they came out of him mouth. Daniel felt like crying.
The nurse flipped through some charts then directed Daniel down the corridor. He tried not to look into the other rooms as he passed. Sad faces flanked most bedsides; other rooms were empty except for a patient lying silently in a bed. He slowed as he neared the number the nurse had given him. He stepped behind the curtain divider and saw Roger, pale and lifeless. A nurse was alongside him, making notes on a clipboard. “May I help you?”
Daniel nodded. “I’m his son. How is he?”
“I’m afraid there’s been no change.”
Daniel set his bag down on the chair beside the bed. “How bad is that? Should he have awakened by now?”
The nurse gestured to the hallway and Daniel followed her. “We’d hoped he would have woken up shortly after surgery, but it’s difficult to say. He could regain consciousness at any time.”
Daniel heard what she wasn’t saying. “But he may not.”
Her eyes softened. “That’s a possibility. He had an EEG this morning, and his brainwave functioning is normal. There’s a strong possibility that he can hear what’s going on around him. Talk to him. Patients often report that they heard loved ones telling them to wake up and that helped them make their way back.”
“Does that actually work?”
“It can. It’s worth a shot.” She smiled and patted his arm.
Daniel returned to the room and set his bag on the floor. He took a seat, trying to think of what to say. He had barely spoken to Roger when he was conscious; it seemed absurd to try chatting with him now. He opened his mouth but no words came. His fingers raked through his hair. “Why is this so hard?” he asked aloud, glancing to see if Roger showed any sign of a response. He didn’t.
Daniel took a deep breath and blew it out. “I’m here. I’m sorry I’m late, but I’m here. When you’re up to it I’d actually like to talk to you.” He couldn’t help but picture the expression on Roger’s face had he uttered those words when he could hear them. All he’d been asking for months was for a chance to talk. And I wouldn’t give it to him. Daniel closed his eyes, the exhaustion from his flight setting in. The pay in advance cell phone he’d picked up at the airport vibrated in his pocket, and he quickly withdrew it. “Hey,” he said, walking back to th
e hallway, phone pressed tightly to his ear.
“Are you there?” Marienne’s voice was dark with worry.
“Yes, got here a few minutes ago. He’s still unconscious. They told me to talk to him, that he might be able to hear me.”
“I wish I was with you.” Her stress was evident but the sound of her voice still soothed him, wrapping around him like a blanket.
“How are the kids? How are you holding up?”
“We’re fine. I’m just worried about you. I know how much you hate hospitals.”
“I imagine Roger hates them a bit more than me at this point. I’ll be all right.” He paused. “Are we okay?”
“Yes.”
Daniel closed his eyes. Her answer was quick and full of conviction. His throat tightened. “Good.” He bit his lip, trying to keep his emotions in check. Drew began to cry in the background. Daniel longed to pick him up and smell his sweet sleepy head. “I miss you all so much.”
“We miss you too,” Marienne said, murmuring something to Drew. Daniel could picture her, holding him, swaying as she stroked the back of his head. “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I reserved you a room at the Onyx hotel. They have special rate for family members with a relative in the hospital. It’s under your name, and you can check in at any time. And I overnighted a package to you, so ask for it when you sign in.”
“A package? Of what?”
“Just some things I thought you should have.”
****
Daniel sat in the bedside chair until his legs were numb. The hours on the clock ticked by, each moving slower than the one before. The nurse made rounds again. “Can I get you anything? The main cafeteria closed an hour ago, but there are vending machines in the waiting area. I could bring you a juice.”
“No, thanks.” Daniel stretched, not realizing quite how stiff he’d gotten.
“Visiting hours are over. You should head home and get some rest.”
“Do you know the best way to get to the Onyx hotel? I came straight from the airport.”
“It’s only a few blocks, if you’re up for a walk.”
The fresh night air was a welcome change though Daniel’s legs felt like lead as he made his way down the darkened city streets. He signed in at the front desk, wishing he was there on vacation with Marienne and the kids rather than escaping the nightmare of a hospital room.
“Looks like you have a package waiting, let me get that from the back.”
The clerk returned with a medium sized box and handed it to Daniel along with his keycards.
The opulence of the hotel stood in stark contrast to the interior of Mass General. Daniel unlocked his door and flipped on the lights. Bed. A mattress had never looked so appealing. He placed his bags on the dresser and slid the package onto the bed.
He removed his jacket and went into the bathroom. He turned on the water and unwrapped one of the little bars of soap. The scent of honey wafted up as he lathered his hands. Its sweetness reminded him of Marienne. He scrubbed his face, trying to let the water rinse away some of the tension. The towel felt rough against his skin.
His stomach grumbled, reminding him he hadn’t eaten since the airplane meal. He grabbed the leather binder off the desk and flopped onto the bed, flipping through in search of the room service menu.
He ordered a burger and fries and two Becks. The package sat in front of him, and he ran his fingers over the writing. Marienne’s handwriting. He used the pen on the bedside table to split the tape and the flaps of the box sprung open. He lifted out a pair of his jeans and his favorite sweater. A note was pinned to the collar.
I thought some of your non-work clothes might make you more comfortable. And I thought you could use a treat. The envelope is something Roger dropped off for you when he stopped by. I don’t know if you’ll want to read what’s inside, but if you can I think you should. It might help you see things differently. I think it will help you get to know the man your mother knew, the man who helped her create you. I hope you’re not angry that I sent them to you. I love you so much. It’s killing me to be apart from you while you’re going through this. Call me. And take care of yourself.
All my love, as always,
Marienne
Daniel peered inside the box. He pulled out a Tupperware and opened it. The aroma of brownies made him groan. He immediately took a bite of one, allowing the chocolaty taste to fill his mouth and block out all his other senses. He looked around for something to wipe his hands on but there was nothing. He retrieved the towel from the bathroom and took his time cleaning his fingers, unsure he wanted to see what was inside Roger’s envelope.
His leg bobbed as the envelope sat on his lap, daring him to open it. What can it be? It’s too big to be letter. He unwrapped the closure and peered inside. Tons of letters. He withdrew the stack and froze. His mother’s familiar handwriting stared up at him. Oh my God.
He flipped through the crisp envelopes, noting the dates stamped on them. The most recent from the summer before he was born. The summer she had conceived him. His heart beat unevenly as he opened the first one and began to read.
The knock at his door startled him, and the letters went spilling to the floor. Bugger. He scooped them up, trying to keep them in some semblance of order. “Just leave it on the desk, thanks.” He handed the bellboy a tip and went straight back to the bed.
Reading his mother’s personal letters to Roger was riveting. She’d told him so little about their relationship and this was showing him a side of her he’d never known. He could hear her speaking as he read. Her words flowed on paper just as they had in real life. The emotion and passion was heartbreaking. I had no idea she’d felt this way about him. About anyone. She was hopelessly in love with him.
Daniel’s chest felt tight as he continued reading. He knew what was coming. This was a love story that didn’t have a happily ever after but he found himself wishing it had. For the first time since he’d found out about Roger’s existence he wished they had been able to be together. That fate and circumstance and misunderstanding hadn’t changed all their lives. My life.
It hit him. Had this worked out I would have had a father. Roger and my mother would have had a life together, at least for sixteen more years. I wouldn’t have had to go through her death alone.
For all these years he’d never considered what it might have been like to have someone to share his grief. He’d held onto his sadness as if it were the last remaining piece he had of his mother. Roger would have grieved alongside him. They could have made it through together.
Tears stung behind his eyes, blurring his vision as he opened the final envelope. The Dear John letter.
She knew. She knew she was pregnant, and she turned him away. She ruined it.
Blaming his mother felt so foreign it turned his stomach but he couldn’t stop the thought. If only she’d listened to him. She was so sure she was right. So stubborn. If she would have given him a chance. The words stopped Daniel cold. She was just like me. Roger tried to talk to me, so many times, and I wouldn’t give him the time of day. The tears rolled freely now.
I’m an idiot. This was my chance to have a father. To give my children a grandparent. A link to my past. And I tossed it away out of stupidity. His head throbbed with regret and emotion.
He gathered the letters together and placed them back in the envelope. He was about to seal it shut when he heard a knock at the door. Thinking room service must have forgotten something he wiped his eyes and opened the door.
Chapter Fifty-One
The sight of Marienne standing in the hallway was more than he could stand. He flung his arms around her with such force she dropped her suitcase. She wrapped herself around him. He closed his eyes and breathed her in. Her scent enveloped him, overwhelming him with its sweetness. He buried his nose in her hair. Kissing her ear, her cheek, and then finally her lips. He smoothed her hair back, with both hands, cupping her face. “I can’t believe you’re here.” He kissed her again then rested his fo
rehead against hers.
“I couldn’t stand the thought of you doing this alone. I left the kids at Arnold’s. I had to see you.” She ran her knuckles across his cheek, looking into his eyes.
“Let’s get out of the hallway.” He grabbed her suitcase, keeping his other hand on her waist, and pulled her into the room.
****
Daniel looked like he hadn’t slept in days, his eyes sunken, with dark circles beneath them and unmistakably reddened rims. She stepped into the hotel room and saw the envelope on the bed. It was sealed. She had no idea if he’d looked at the contents yet.
She sat down on the edge of the bed and Daniel knelt in front of her. “I’m sorry,” he said, taking her hand. “I’ve been such a complete ass. I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. I’m sorry for being such a jealous fool about Bob. I’m sorry for not listening to you when you told me to give Roger a chance.”
His voice cracked and Marienne felt her heart pulling in two. “I’m sorry too. I pushed you too hard. I should have been more understanding. And you were right about Bob. I’m so stupid. I can’t even tell when a man is flirting with me.” Her own eyes filled with tears. “Can you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
She held her breath, afraid to ask the question that was on her mind. “Did you open the envelope?”
Daniel nodded.
“Did you read them?” Her eyes searched his and she could tell that he had.
“I’ve been a total prat. Everything Roger has said is true. They loved each other. She broke his heart. And I may never get to tell him that I know.”
The sadness on his face was more than she could bear. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead, her hand resting on his neck. Within seconds his mouth was on hers. His need was palpable and Marienne’s matched it in intensity. Her hands struggled to undue his shirt buttons as his fingers slipped beneath her sweater. Their limbs tangled as they wriggled out of their clothes. Daniel climbed on top of her, hands everywhere, lips everywhere. Her only thoughts were of taking away his pain.
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