by Yazz Ustaris
“I turned off the camera so that we could have the freedom to talk privately. I don’t want the others to hear what is said in this room,” the sergeant began mysteriously. “Dr. Duffy is here because some of the information I’m about to give y’all may be difficult for you to accept or understand. He’s here to offer emotional support to whoever may need it.” Glancing at the Doc, I felt my gut clench in response to the rising tension emanating from either side of me. I had a feeling I knew which direction Sergeant Ramsey was going with this but opted to keep my mouth shut for the time being.
“You’ve heard me mention several times in the past that y’all are part of a secret government military program. We’ll discuss the actual program in detail momentarily, but for now I’m thinking some of you may be confused as to how you actually ended up here. I would like to clarify that none of y’all voluntarily offered your services; you were drafted by the US government.” He paused a moment, looking each one of us in the eye to let his words sink in before continuing.
“Currently, the government is experimenting with introducing genetically enhanced animal DNAs into human test subjects for the purpose of creating a superior breed of soldiers. Our hope is to form a special group of covert operatives who can successfully carry out the more difficult, high-risk missions that ordinary soldiers cannot. Now as y’all can imagine, once someone hears the term “genetically enhanced with animal DNA”, they instantly become fearful of volunteering for the program, especially since we’re still in the experimental phase.” Suddenly standing up from his armchair, Sergeant Ramsey began to pace the floor almost as if he was summoning the courage to deliver the next blow.
“The US military has numerous connections in various hospitals across the Continental US. Since we had very few volunteers for this program, we decided to take matters into our own hands and select a very specific group of people. Occasionally, one of our contact hospitals would receive a patient into their ER who would be very close to death at the time of their admittance. If the hospital was able to successfully revive that patient and save their life, then that person was deemed worthy of being accepted into the program and was immediately brought here for the first stage of their training following their recovery.”
Sergeant Ramsey paused, glancing at us again to verify that his words were sinking in. I could feel the weight of Sam’s stare on me and I turned my head in his direction to see his expression of horror. I purposely kept my own expression blank for fear of aggravating Sam further. Glancing at Gideon, I could see that his jaw was clenched as he struggled to understand what the Sergeant was trying to explain.
“The Target Group consists of a group of young people who attempted to take their own lives and were unsuccessful. Those people were recovered and brought here to begin the first stage of training. You three are all part of that Target Group. Horrible things had happened to each of you in your previous lives and so for various reasons, y’all attempted to commit suicide…but failed. Once the hospitals declared you to be in stable condition, you were brought here to heal. From that point on, since the government felt that you no longer valued your own lives as evidenced by your attempted suicides, the military claimed responsibility for you. The three of you are now considered property of the US Government.”
Sam shook his head in denial as a heart-breaking sob burst forth. I saw him look down at his hands as he twisted his wrists upwards and stared at the jagged scarring that decorated the insides of both wrists. He had a nervous habit of tracing the scars at times, and the faint expression of confusion that clouded his eyes during those times proved he couldn’t recall how or why he had scarring there. Sam looked at me with pain filled eyes as the truth of Sergeant Ramsey’s words finally penetrated his brain. I had wondered about those scars myself, but had been afraid to bring up the topic. Of course I had my suspicions, but hoped that I was wrong.
“Why don’t I remember any of it?” Sam demanded, as the tears started to leak from his eyes. “Does my family know where I am?” Dr. Duffy, who had been utterly silent up until this point, took the opportunity to interject. “Upon arrival, you three were given medications to help suppress memory in order to prevent emotional shock.”
“Kind of a moot point now, seeing as Sam is obviously emotionally traumatized,” I mumbled quietly, but loud enough for all to hear. Doc Duffy glanced at me sympathetically before continuing with his explanation.
“For all intents and purposes to the outside world, you three really did die. Funerals were held for you, and your bodies were really inside the coffins during open viewing. We have access to a special drug that creates the illusion of death. We swapped out your bodies before your coffins were delivered to the cemetery for burial. It was one of our ways of tying up loose ends so we could be assured no one would come looking for any of you. It was also a way for your friends and family to say goodbye and have some closure, so they could move on with their lives.”
I grasped one of Sam’s hands in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. Glancing back at Gideon, I saw him fingering the lightly faded line that marred the skin around his entire neckline. His hours spent in the sun helped to camouflage the scarring somewhat, but it was still visible. Catching his eye, I felt pangs of despondency flooding my chest as I watched him struggle to keep his emotions in check. It hurt me to see my teammates so upset and I wished there was something I could do to take their pain away. Reaching over with my right hand, I clasped Gideon’s hand with my free one and held on tight, trying to offer what comfort I could.
Looking up, I saw that Sergeant Ramsey, Dr. Duffy, and Jamie were all staring intently at me with an expression I couldn’t quite place.
“What?” I demanded defensively, unnerved by their combined attention. The Doc was the one to break the silence as he motioned at me with his hand.
“It’s just that you’re handling all of this remarkably well Teagan. I’m just trying to figure out why you don’t seem at all surprised by any of this,” he commented, as Jamie just stared at me curiously while nodding her head in agreement. I hadn’t anticipated being called out like this so early on, and my mind raced like quicksilver as I tried to come up with a plausible excuse that they would all accept. It was not in my nature to lie though, so of course I wasn’t going to start now. I could feel everyone’s gaze on me as they waited for me to say something. Unfortunately, I knew I was trapped.
Hanging my head a little, I sighed in resignation, and admitted, “Because I already knew.” Loud gasps were heard from either side of me as I felt the combined heat of Sam and Gideon’s stares. They both tried to yank their hands out of my grasp but I wouldn’t let them shake me off. Instead, I squeezed their hands tighter in desperation.
“Let me clarify,” I backtracked hurriedly as I tried to amend my earlier confession. “I must be immune to those damn memory suppression drugs because I remembered everything that happened to me from the moment I woke up here.” Guiltily darting my gaze between Gideon and Sam, I pleaded, “I didn’t want to say anything to you guys about it because I couldn’t stand to have either of you think badly of me. Also, it didn’t occur to me that you may have tried to do what I had done. Subconsciously, I guess I was hoping you guys actually had volunteered for this government program. I don’t like the thought of either of you trying to hurt yourselves.”
Noticing that Sergeant Ramsey was once again sitting in the armchair instead of pacing, I gave him my full attention. He shook his head at me in astonishment before commenting, “You really are full of surprises Teagan. You never cease to amaze me. How could you have known for a full six months and not say anything about it to anyone?” he asked incredulously. He frowned darkly at me as if I had somehow betrayed his trust. “I want you to tell us everything that you remember, and what led you up to your decision to end your life,” he demanded without pretense.
It was almost offensive to me being forced to discuss my attempted suicide so blatantly, but I guess there was no getting around the truth of my
actions. Plain and simple, I had tried to take my own life. If anything, I felt that I owed Gideon and Sam an explanation because having their trust meant everything to me. Taking a deep breath, I quickly launched into my story trying to take a neutral approach in an effort to tone down the emotional aspects. After all, I didn’t want or need anyone’s sympathy. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t shed one more tear over my bastard of an ex.
“Okay, here’s the short version. I had a loving family which included my mom and dad, my twin brother, and my grandparents. When I was ten years old, my grandparents on my mom’s side passed away when a tornado ripped through their neighborhood in Oklahoma where they lived. That was my first experience with death. Then when I was fifteen, my grandmother on my dad’s side was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died less than a year later. The following year, my grandfather passed too. My mom said he died of a broken heart because he missed my grandmother too much. After all, his doctor couldn’t explain his death because he claimed my grandfather was in perfect health. Then, just two years ago, my parents were coming back from vacation when their plane suffered some sort of malfunction and crashed. They both died. I was broken hearted because I loved my parents deeply. At that point, all I had left was my brother Dominic. At my parents’ funeral, we made a pact that we would always be there for one another, and that we would be strong for each other in order to survive the loss of our parents’. Last year, Dominic’s regiment got deployed to Afghanistan and he was killed by a roadside car bomb that had gone off.”
I heard my voice crack at the mention of my beloved older brother, and had to pause to clear my throat before continuing. Even though I tried to keep my story detached and unemotional, I couldn’t suppress my feelings of grief every time I thought about the loss of my precious family, all of whom I had loved so much. I was helpless to stop the tears that flooded my eyes, and I blinked rapidly in hopes of preventing them from sliding down my cheeks. I didn’t cry often, so I despised the thought of shedding tears in front of other people. I blew out a deep breath and continued. “My entire family was gone and I was all alone. It was very hard to deal with, and as you can imagine, I had difficulty coping.”
My eyes dropped to my lap and stayed there as I continued on with my story. I refused to look anyone in the eyes by this point, as it was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain my self-control.
“The last straw came when I decided to pay a surprise visit to my fiancé one night while I was on my way home from work. We had opposite work schedules so it was always hard to make plans with each other. I let myself into his apartment and that was when I caught him in bed with my best friend. It was at that point that I completely lost it. It felt like the ultimate betrayal because they had both been there for me emotionally when my family died. They had accompanied me to the funerals of my parents and my brother. Anyways, I drove myself home that night after leaving my fiancés place and I had a few shots of tequila. I remember pouring myself some vodka too, with orange juice. I’m not a heavy drinker but the tequila and the vodka were both leftover from the holidays. I’m a lightweight, so the alcohol hit me pretty hard.
I went into the bathroom of my apartment, and emptied out my medicine cabinet, dumping everything out onto the coffee table in my living room. I sat down on the floor and started to swallow every single pill until there was nothing left.” I peeked up at Jamie from beneath my lashes as I heard her sniffle. Glancing quickly at Sam and Gideon in apology, I explained, “I was fully aware of what I was doing and what the outcome would be. When my family all died, there was an emptiness in my chest that couldn’t be filled. I felt hollow and dead inside, and I just couldn’t handle being alone anymore. I also felt like I didn’t really have anything left to live for because I had nothing left to lose. I had lost everything so in my mind, nothing mattered anymore.”
I shrugged unapologetically. “Despite what you guys may think of me right now and my choice, I want you to know that I do NOT regret my decision to take my own life. I believe that every now and then, things do happen for a reason, and I felt like I was meant to come here and be a part of this experiment.” I paused in my story in an effort to compose myself, breathing deeply as the grief of my past threatened to overwhelm me. “I admit that even though I lost my family, I gained two brothers when I met you guys,” I confided, my voice breaking again with emotion, as I was no longer able to hold back the tears. They began to roll steadily down my face as I squeezed the two hands that I still clutched. Once again, my gaze was riveted to my lap and I watched intently as my falling teardrops created abstract patterns on my sweatpants.
“I think of you two as my family now, and I fully admit that I need you as much as I hope you need me. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life here, a second chance at happiness, and a second chance to make a difference in the world in any way that I can. I intend to make the most of it.” Trying to choke back the sobs so that I wasn’t outright bawling, I realized the effort was futile. I suddenly yanked both of my hands free, and covered my face as I inevitably started to weep. I completely lost it in that moment. I felt so exposed and vulnerable, and it was not a feeling I liked. Without warning, I felt Sam lean over and embrace me from my left-hand side, hugging me hard as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head.
“Stop it. It hurts me to see you cry Teagan. You never cry,” he murmured huskily, pain lacing his voice as he started to rock me back and forth in an effort to provide solace. I felt a second set of arms enclose me from my right-hand side as Gideon scooted closer and hugged me too. I also heard him pleading with me to stop crying. I was overcome with relief that they didn’t hold me in contempt of my actions, or hate me for withholding information from them. Unfortunately for me, once the floodgates opened and I started crying, it wasn’t so easy for me to stop. As the agony of my shattered past came rushing back, the pain felt as fresh as if it had all just happened yesterday.
Somewhere off to the side, I heard Jamie telling me that it was okay to let it all out and have a good cry, stating that I needed the opportunity to mourn everyone that I had lost. I also heard Doc Duffy in the background informing me in his clinical way that tears were a form of cathartic release, thus reassuring me that it was all part of the emotional healing process. It took me nearly five minutes before I was able to collect myself, and I felt someone press a wad of tissues into my hand. I could feel my face burning with humiliation and shame over my melt down as the arrival of hiccups made my embarrassment complete. I always hiccupped when I cried. It was such an annoying inconvenience.
Finally pulling away from Sam and Gideon, I took the time to blow my nose and was startled to see that the sergeant, Doc Duffy, and Jamie were all crouched down on the floor in front of us. I hadn’t heard them move. It meant a lot to me that they really seemed to care and I bestowed them with a weak, watery smile that probably came out as more of a grimace. Mentally, I acknowledged that I was probably a mess. I was not one of those types of people that looked cute when they cried. Without looking in the mirror, I knew my face was flushed and that my eyes were red and puffy. I just prayed that I didn’t have snot dribbling out of my nose. Since I didn’t like crying in front of others, I felt mortified to have five people bear witness to my tearful story. Focusing my attention on Sergeant Ramsey, I croaked, “Thank you for turning off the camera.” I was surprised to note that the sergeant’s eyes were a little moist as he replied simply, “Of course.”
Turning to glance again to the guys on either side of me, I exhaled slowly in an effort to stem my blasted tears. They still leaked from my eyes in a continuous stream. I shifted on the couch and regarded Sam with a sad expression. “Enough about me already. I’m done. End of story,” I stated with finality. “Now you all know my past. I want to know what the hell happened to you guys,” I implored with sincerity. Rather than get up to reclaim their original seats, the Doc, Sergeant Ramsey, and Jamie all shifted to sit more comfortably on the carpet, opting to sit c
ross legged as everyone turned their attention on Sam.
4
Sam looked taken aback at suddenly becoming the center of attention. I felt slightly guilty for putting him on the spot but I honestly wanted to know what the heck had happened in his life to make him want to attempt suicide. I had a sneaking hunch that it had something to do with his homosexuality. Judging from how quiet it was in the Common Room, I took it as a sign that everyone else was just as anxious to hear his story as I was. After all, I was almost positive that Sergeant Ramsey and the rest of the military staff had no insight into our personal stories; they could only speculate about the scenarios that could’ve led to our demise. Unless of course, someone took the time to dig a little deeper for a story. Watching Sam as he nervously fidgeted with his fingers, I offered a hesitant smile of encouragement as he stared back at me with a panicky, deer-in-the-headlights expression. A loud hiccup rent the air and I murmured a quick apology before again prodding Sam to begin.
“I-I don’t know what to say!” he stammered defensively. “I don’t remember what happened. I mean, I can take a guess how it happened by the scars on my wrists, but I don’t remember doing it!” he objected with a frown. His brows were deeply furrowed as he thought long and hard. We patiently sat and waited, watching Sam as he practically strained his brain in an effort to remember his past. Wryly, I started visualizing an imaginary hamster in a wheel, running round and round inside Sam’s head as smoke billowed from its little feet. I heard Gideon clearing his throat off to my right. In front of me, Doc Duffy’s knee popped as he shifted on the floor trying to get into a more comfortable position. Thinking to myself, I mused, How much could Sam and Gideon possibly remember, if they were both still affected by the memory suppression drugs?
Cocking my head to the side after the very lengthy pause, I suggested, “Maybe you can tell us what you do remember about your life, and perhaps things will start to come back to you in bits and pieces.”