by Sara Rider
The show started with the familiar dramatic theme song, and once again Fergus found himself incapable of concentrating on the large screen. If he wasn’t sneaking glances at Emily, his gaze was focused entirely on Julia. Her smile. Her hair. The elegant curve of her neck. When a commercial break finally came, he volunteered to refill drinks, if only to clear his head for a brief moment.
Julia came through the kitchen door just as he was pouring a glass of water from the sink. “Need a hand?”
“Sure,” he said, even though he didn’t. “Grab one of those soda cans for me?”
“It looks like Emily’s having fun with Olive,” Julia said casually.
Fergus shut off the faucet and set the glass on the counter with an uncomfortable ache in his chest. “I’m sorry. I probably should have told you about Emily.”
She shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. I still don’t really know what we’re doing or what the rules are.”
“Does there have to be rules?”
Weariness seemed to etch itself onto her face in that moment. “Sometimes I feel like we’re the last two pieces of a puzzle that don’t seem to fit anywhere. I don’t know how we’re supposed to fit together.”
He knew exactly what she meant, but he had no idea how to answer. He settled for what was in his heart. “I like you, Julia. A lot.”
She smiled, though there was something sad about it. “There’s a but in there.”
He nodded. “But I don’t know how to navigate this as a single parent.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “That’s why you haven’t been with anyone in so long? Because of Emily?”
“She was seven when her mom and I divorced, and it was hard on her. She was terrified I was going to move on and start a new family without her. I promised I wouldn’t do that. Ever.”
“She doesn’t seem too upset at the thought of you dating now.”
“It’s hard to tell with her. She wears sarcasm like a shield and when she’s upset, she keeps her emotions bottled up really deep. But even if she’s okay with it, I can’t be sure there isn’t going to be a small part of her that feels betrayed.”
“I get that it’s important to put Emily first. I do. I admire that about you, actually. My dad disappeared from our lives when I was two. I would never ask you to put Emily second to anything. Especially not me. But I don’t think I can wait on the sidelines for you to figure out what you want. Not unless I know there’s a chance this could be something serious. Something real.”
He pressed his palm to her cheek like he could draw out all the sadness that had bubbled into her words. “I don’t know what we’re doing either, but I know it’s real.”
She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. “I don’t want to get hurt.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not good at this kind of thing. Tell me what you want me to do, Julia.”
She sucked in a long, heavy breath, then exhaled slowly. “What I want is to be able to sit next to you on that couch. I want to hold your hand and feel your thumb stroke against my skin the way new couples do.”
He almost flinched at the word couple, but he stopped himself. As much as the word made him uncomfortable, he wanted all of that, too. He wanted that with Julia, even if it terrified him.
She picked up the soda can from the counter, then turned away from him, walking to the door.
“Wait.” He caught her by the elbow before she could disappear into the living room and pulled the can from her hand, setting it back on the counter. Then he laced his fingers through hers.
She looked up at him, surprise written in the slight curve of her lips and the glow of her big brown eyes. “What about the drinks?”
“We’ll tell them we forgot.” He leaned forward and kissed her, brushing his lips against hers slowly. It was unlike any kiss they had shared before—intemperate in its tenderness, greedy and generous at the same time. He stroked the back of her neck and breathed in her scent, wanting to erase the hurt he’d caused her earlier. Wanting her to feel everything he didn’t know how to say.
When they finally pulled apart, he knew the smile he’d been trying to hold back had finally broken through. The smile that had no shame it its exuberance. The smile that didn’t care what the world thought. The smile that existed only for Julia.
He led her back to the couch, ignoring the sly, knowing looks that came their way, and held her hand for the rest of the evening. He didn’t know what would happen tomorrow, but he could at least give Julia and himself that for tonight.
When he drove himself and Emily home later that night, they didn’t speak about it. They didn’t need to in that moment, because his daughter’s teasing grin was loud enough.
16
“Look!” Nora dropped the battered copy of Torrents of the Heart on Julia’s desk with a triumphant grin. “I fixed it.”
Julia picked it up with a gasp. “Oh my god, you just saved my life. I don’t even want to think about the fine I would have been facing if I’d brought this back destroyed.”
All traces of nail polish were gone from the cover, leaving the embossed gold lettering intact, though there was still some flecks of deep pink on the edges of the pages. Not enough to notice at first glance. Or maybe that was just because she couldn’t bring herself to look anywhere but Fergus’s bare torso and lust-darkened eyes. Heat bloomed over her skin. Even with the weird third arm, he was gorgeous.
She hadn’t seen him in two days—not since they’d curled up next to each other on Clem’s couch. They’d texted, though, sharing cheesy jokes whenever they popped into their minds. But tonight, she was going over to his place for dinner to get to know Emily a little better. She’d never been more nervous. It felt like a step toward something she wasn’t ready for. Getting to know Emily couldn’t be a casual thing, and while she didn’t blame him for not saying anything about having daughter until now, that didn’t make it any easier.
“I do like to think of myself as a chemical superhero now and again,” Nora preened.
“Not just a superhero. A queen,” Julia said, still staring in awe at the cover.
“Who cares about the cover?” Clem said, picking up the book and thumbing through the pages. “I want to know what’s inside the pages. Is the book any good?”
Julia laughed. “Yes. It’s a bit overwrought, but it reminds me of my mom.”
Nora frowned and straightened a stack of papers on Julia’s desk until the edges lined up perfectly—a nervous habit Julia had become accustomed to. “You don’t talk about her much.”
Julia shrugged. Nora and Clem knew the story of her childhood from Eli. Julia had no trouble talking about her mom, but she rarely talked about her own experience losing her. She didn’t like remembering the sad parts. She preferred to celebrate the happy memories, but sometimes that felt hollow. Like she was selectively denying a core part of who her mom was. They’d had their problems like any family. They’d fought. They’d had days when money was tight. But they’d always loved each other.
Clem handed the book back to Julia. “Do you think this is the only one he did, or are there more?”
“I don’t know,” Julia said. “I never asked him.”
Nora’s eyes widened with excitement. “I bet we could do some sleuthing and find out.”
Julia winced. “He doesn’t want other people to know about his cover model past, so please be circumspect. The last thing I need is for Eli and Jake to give him a hard time.”
“Give who a hard time?”
Julia shoved the paperback into her purse. Of course Eli and Jake had to burst unannounced into her office right at that moment. “Nothing. No one. What’s up?”
It was still early in the afternoon, long before the happy hour crowds would start filing into the Holy Grale, and certainly long before she expected any emergencies to pop up. She looked at the pair of them curiously. Jake and Eli grinned like mischievous schoolboys.
“We solved your problem,” Eli said excitedly.
�
��What problem?”
“The one that’s been driving you crazy for weeks now,” Jake said. He and Eli were brimming with so much excitement, Julia didn’t know whether to be scared or utterly terrified.
“I’ve got lots of problems, and unless you’re going to give me a million-dollar raise, I’m not sure you can solve any of them.”
Eli pulled his hand out from behind his back, finally revealing what he was hiding. “Ta-da!”
Julia looked at Clem and Nora for some kind of clue as to what she was supposed to make of the odd contraption, but her friends seemed just as confused as she was. The object Eli held looked like a wooden drumstick with a doll’s hairbrush attached to the end with an absurd amount of duct tape. The entire thing was spray-painted silver and decorated with tiny pink heart-shaped stickers. “It looks like a murder weapon for stuffed animals.”
Eli ignored her less than impressed reaction. “It’s an itch scratcher!”
Julia smothered a laugh with more success than Clem and Nora, and held out her hand. Eli passed it to her. She inspected it cautiously, half-expecting something to pop out at her or start buzzing. When Jake and Eli got excited about a project, they had a tendency to go overboard.
“It’s just a prototype,” Jake said. “We’re coming up with ways to add batteries so it can vibrate.”
“Um, you know Clem already gave me some of her grandmother’s knitting needles. They work pretty well.”
“But they don’t work as well as this,” Eli insisted. “Come on. Try it.”
Not wanting to hurt her brother’s feelings, she slid the gadget inside her cast. It was a tight fit, but the spiky plastic bristles instantly relieved the itch plaguing her skin. She moaned in relief. “Oh my god, this is amazing.”
Eli and Jake high-fived like they’d just landed the Apollo 13 with a slide rule. “See? It’s okay to let other people help you sometimes,” Eli said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t be mad.”
Julia narrowed her eyes. “What did you do?”
Eli looked to Jake for support. “Greg from the mechanic shop stopped by for a drink yesterday afternoon. He mentioned your car has been in the shop for more than a month now.”
“So we paid it off,” Jake said with an uncertain smile. “He’s dropping it off in a few minutes.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” She didn’t know how to handle the mix of emotions storming inside her. Her heart sang with relief at the thought of the car repairs being taken care of—not having to scrimp and save and balance her bill payments. But it was frustration that screamed the loudest. Yeah, it had been difficult to save up enough to pay off the car repairs when she was spending so much on cabs, but she was getting close. She didn’t need a handout.
“I know you don’t like accepting help,” Nora said. “But that doesn’t change the fact we’re your friends and that’s what friends do.”
Clem nodded. “You’ve always been there for us when we’ve gone through a rough time.”
Julia’s cheeks burned. It was one thing to have her friends clean the nail polish off a library book, and another for them to treat her like a charity case. She didn’t want to be a burden. She didn’t want to be disposable. And if she didn’t pull her weight, that’s exactly how they would see her. “I will pay you back. I can write you a check tomorrow.”
“You don’t have to,” Eli said.
“I do. But thank you. I appreciate the thought.”
“All right, we’ll let you get back to your work then,” Eli said after a long pause, sounding a little hurt, which only made Julia feel worse.
“Thanks.” Work, at least for now, was the one thing in her life that she could manage without any help. And with the way things were going with Fergus, her job, her finances, she needed something she could feel in control of.
Julia held the gift bag under her arm and rang the doorbell. She hated using a bag when there was so much beautiful wrapping paper in the world just waiting to be used, but she gave up on that plan after getting tape stuck in her hair. Two more weeks until the cast comes off, she reminded herself. Just two more weeks.
Fergus and Emily stood together on the other side of the door when it opened—the younger MacNair with a wide grin on her pretty features and the senior with a warm, gentle smile that she couldn’t help but return. They didn’t look much alike at first glance—their eyes were so different. But the strong set of their jaws was near identical. Emily had her father’s height, too.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Emily said, relieving Julia of the gift. “Dad wouldn’t let us order takeout until you arrived and I’m starving.”
Julia shrugged off her coat. “You didn’t have to wait for me.”
“Yes, we did,” Fergus said. “It’s important for Emily to learn proper manners.”
“Right, of course,” Julia said, feeling chastised. Had she already overstepped? This entire evening made her feel like a teenager meeting her prom date’s parents all over again, except this was so much worse. The pressure was ten times stronger, and unlike her teenaged self, Julia was too hardened and set in her ways to radically alter her personality or pretend to be someone she wasn’t.
“We’re going to order Indian tonight,” Emily said, breaking some of the tension.
“Sound great.”
Fergus frowned. “Emily.”
“I mean, do you like Indian takeout? Because I’m really craving butter chicken tonight and Dad says there’s a place that makes the best naan ever nearby. I don’t believe him, but I’m willing to test it out. For science.”
“Butter chicken is my favorite, too, and if he’s taking about Royal Spice, then your dad is right. Their naan is awesome.”
Emily gave her dad a triumphant look. “I’ll call in the order,” he said in a stern dad voice Julia hadn’t heard from him before tonight. “Why don’t you two get settled in the living room?”
Before Julia could even sit down, Emily was pulling the puzzle out of the gift bag. “This is so gorgeous. I can’t wait to get started.”
“I was thinking you could save that one to share with you and your dad. I know he was looking forward to doing a puzzle with you, and if I get started on one, I won’t be able to stop until it’s done.”
“I’m the same way. I get a little intense. Let’s play a board game instead.” Emily pulled the Monopoly box out from under the coffee table, then looked at Julia sheepishly. “Um, I meant to say do you like Monopoly?”
Julia laughed. “Yes. I do. And I know your dad wants you to have good manners, but it’s not a bad thing to be a woman in this world who knows what she wants.”
“Tell that to my parents,” Emily grumbled under her breath. Before Julia could say anything in response, Emily said cheerfully, “Dad and I always fight over the race car, but since he’s not here to choose, he gets to be the boot.”
“You like cars?” What Julia really wanted to ask was what was bothering Emily, but she didn’t think it was her place.
Emily nodded, setting the little gray pieces on the board. “Not as much as Dad does. He’s really into them. Classic cars, especially. We used to go to rare car shows when I was younger. He’s got this dream of fixing up a vintage Camaro one day.”
“I’ll have to remember that.” Once again, she realized there was so little she knew about the man.
“How long have you been dating each other?” Emily’s youthful grin disappeared, replaced by a penetrating stare.
“Oh, well, not long, really.” She wasn’t even sure they were dating.
“Do you like him?”
Julia’s throat went dry. “Yeah, of course.”
“Is it serious?” Emily shifted her entire body to look at Julia, as though the weight of the world was held in her answer.
She had no idea what she was supposed to say to that. Everything Fergus had told Julia about his daughter ran through her mind in that moment—Emily’s tendency to hold her emotions
close to the chest, his promise never to get involved with anyone new. And then Julia remembered what it was like to be a teenage girl and how much she hated being lied to. “I don’t know. It’s too early to say. We’re still getting to know each other and whether it’s a good idea to pursue a more serious relationship.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “My mom and Tom said that, too. And now they’re getting married.”
“Does that upset you?”
Emily counted out the colorful paper bills with ruthless efficiency. “I don’t understand why adults have to make everything so complicated. If you like each other, why do you have to figure things out at all? Why don’t you just go for it and see what happens?”
“Well, your dad’s worried about your feelings and opinions of who he dates, and I’m…” Julia thought carefully about her next words. “I’m afraid of getting my heart broken if things don’t work out.”
Emily nodded, as though she understood this completely. “Dad thinks I’m still a little kid who doesn’t understand things like relationships and broken hearts. But I’m not a kid. I know things.”
“Your dad cares about you.”
“That doesn’t mean he understands me.”
Julia felt like she was treading close to quicksand. One false step and she would find herself drowning in complications. This wasn’t a conversation to have behind Fergus’s back, but she was certain there was something festering below Emily’s surface. Something that desperately needed to come out.
“Dinner should be here in an hour,” Fergus said, walking back into the living room. “Monopoly? I’m the race car.”
Julia offered a smile she hoped didn’t show the guilty feeling in her chest. She didn’t even know if she had a reason to feel guilty, but talking about Emily’s relationship with Fergus behind his back left her uneasy, especially since he seemed to have a very different perspective.