by Sara Rider
Emily grumbled and turned to face the window again. Fergus sighed and settled in for what was no doubt going to be the longest ride of his life.
20
Julia was waiting on his porch steps when Fergus pulled into his driveway. It was nearly midnight and he was exhausted not only from the four-hour drive, but from the conversation with Nicole that caused Emily to storm off to her bedroom in a fit of anger. He’d experienced more emotional upheaval in one night than he had since his divorce. He didn’t have the energy to deal with Julia tonight.
Still, that didn’t stop his heart from jumping in his chest when he saw her.
He got out of the car and walked slowly up the steps to where she sat. The porch light bathed her in a soft yellow glow that did little to conceal the tiredness in her eyes. It was cold this late at night, and her sweater didn’t look anywhere near thick enough to keep her warm.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to apologize. I didn’t know Nora and Clem had gone digging for your old covers.”
He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “But you still told them about the covers.”
“Not on purpose. I accidentally spilled nail polish on Torrents of the Heart, and Nora helped me get it off. I asked them not to say anything to anyone else. I want you to know that.”
“I believe you.”
“But you’re still mad at me.” She wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling the sweater tight.
Exhaustion seeped into his bones. “Not about the books. About Emily. You told her it was okay to practically drop out of high school to act in a TV show.”
She sucked in a long breath. “She asked me for advice. I told her there were lots of ways to be successful in life and that she needs to figure out for herself what’s truly going to make her happy.”
“You had no right to interfere.”
Indignation lit up in her face and she climbed to her feet. “No right? Would you rather I ignored her? She’s a kid looking for advice.”
“She has parents to give her advice.”
Her entire body tensed. “I know that, but she came to me. I know she’s the most important thing in your life, but if we’re going to be together it means she’s going to be a part of my life, too. It’s not just me who needs to accept that.”
He went silent. Too silent. He didn’t know what to say or think or feel. It was too much for him to deal with right now.
She shook her head. “You’re never going to accept that, are you? You’re never going to be ready to let someone in. Not in any way that counts.”
Without waiting for an answer, she took off down the steps. She made it to the sidewalk before his brain kicked in enough to chase after her. “Julia, wait.”
He jogged to her, catching her by the shoulder. Tears rimmed her eyes. He cupped her cheeks and kissed her. He kissed her until every stupid thought and feeling melted away—until it didn’t matter that he never had the right words to express himself because everything he felt about her made sense when his lips were on hers. And when she leaned into him, kissing him back just as fiercely, he believed it was all going to be okay.
Then she pushed him away.
“Julia—”
She shook her head, tears spilling out in earnest now. “No. I can’t do this. I want to be with you, Fergus, but I can’t if you aren’t ready to let me in. I need to end this now before it hurts too much.”
She turned away and started walking again.
“Let me drive you home. It’s too far to walk.”
She didn’t answer.
He ran back to his car. It would take at least half an hour for her to walk back to her place. He pulled up alongside her and rolled down the passenger window. “Get in.”
“I can walk.”
“Dammit, Julia.” He followed her for the next three blocks until she reached a major road and flagged a passing cab.
He was frustrated with her for overstepping with Emily—angry, even—but that didn’t come anywhere close to what he felt watching her stubbornly put herself in danger like that. Over the last few months she had opened up to him. Trusted him. But now that trust was gone and he had no idea how to fix it.
“Can I do it? I’ve always wanted to use one of those saws.”
Julia gave her brother an exasperated look.
The doctor, however, didn’t seem to understand Eli’s humor. “Uh, we don’t usually allow family members to operate the cast removal saw. The liability—”
“He’s joking,” Julia said, putting the frazzled old doctor out of his misery. Well, Eli probably wasn’t joking, but the doctor didn’t need to know that.
The doctor nodded. “Right. Okay, roll up your sleeve and we’ll have this cast off in no time.”
Finally. The itchy, painful discomfort was coming to an end. For five weeks, she’d been counting down the days to this appointment. So why did she feel so nervous? The saw wasn’t even that big. It was barely the size of a quarter and the doctor swore that it wouldn’t hurt her skin.
Suck it up, Hardin. She rolled up her sleeve and steadied herself in her seat.
The doctor switched the saw on and the roar was so loud, she jumped back. For such a tiny tool, the sound was practically deafening.
“Please hold still,” the doctor shouted over the whirring.
She tried, and yet as soon as the doctor lowered the blade to her arm, she flinched.
The doctor switched off the power and looked at her like she was an irrational, screaming child. “There’s no other way to do this. Unless you want to keep that cast on for the rest of your life, we need to remove it. I promise you it won’t hurt.”
If that man weren’t holding a blade in front of her face, she might not have chosen to ignore such overt patronizing. She bit her tongue and nodded. “I know. I’ll be still.”
The blade roared to life once more, and she closed her eyes, holding her breath as the strident sound grew closer. A hand wrapped over hers, squeezing her fingers. The tightness in her chest eased and she focused on the reassuring feeling of her big brother’s hand on hers.
When it was over, Eli wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her temple. “You did good, Jules. Want me to buy you a lollipop like Mom used to do?”
She shoved him away and flexed her newly freed arm in front of her. It wasn’t painful anymore, but the skin was tender and what little muscle she had was strangely atrophied. “Mom never had to buy me a lollipop because I never broke anything. You’re the one who insisted that every tree was a climbing tree.”
“That’s because they are. I bet I could still climb that old magnolia in our front yard.”
“Let’s table this conversation for another day. I’ve had more than enough of talk of broken bones for now.”
Within a few minutes, she was in Eli’s truck heading back to the Holy Grale just in time for the afternoon rush. Spring had finally started to emerge in earnest, casting a bright glow over the streets and pushing the first green signs of life through the ground. “Thanks for coming with me today.”
“It’s no problem.” He checked his blind spot, then pulled into the fast lane to pass a slow moving minivan. “I just wish you had actually asked me instead of making me pester you until you admitted you didn’t have anyone to come with you.”
“I—” She closed her mouth with a sigh.
“I know. It’s not easy for you to ask for help. But I’m your family. It hurts that you don’t trust me.”
Tightness crept into her throat. She and Eli had had their ups and downs as all siblings do, but they had always loved each other. “I do trust you. I’m just not good at asking for help.”
“It’s the same thing. You need to trust me to be there for you because I want to be, no strings attached. Because you’re my sister and I love you. And not just me. Nora, Clem, and Jake and Fer—”
She closed her eyes, knowing exactly what name he stopped himself from uttering. She hadn’t
told Eli or anyone else about what happened last weekend, but they were smart enough to know something was up.
She’d trusted Fergus. She’d opened her heart to him and let him help even when her pride protested, and experienced all the wonder that kind of trust could bring. But it had been a mistake. Trusting someone who wasn’t willing to trust her back was bound to break her heart.
Her phone buzzed. She looked at the display and dismissed the call immediately. If she’d been a more superstitious person, she might have assumed Fergus had a sixth sense for when she was thinking about him, but the truth was she’d been thinking about him constantly since she’d walked away from his house five days ago. He’d called and texted every day since. Every part of her wanted to answer, but she couldn’t. She needed to take care of her heart.
She sucked in her breath. “Eli?”
“Yeah?”
“What are you and Jake hiding from me?”
He glanced at her briefly before turning back to the road. “What do you mean?”
“I overheard you and Jake talking a while back about my job. You guys have been cagey ever since.”
Eli took one hand off the wheel to run his hand through his hair. “The owner of Elite Affairs came into the Holy Grale a few months ago. She was asking for you. When we pressed her to find out why, she said she’d been a guest at a wedding that was hosted there—one that you planned. She mentioned she was hiring and wanted to talk to the person who planned the wedding.”
“She wants me to work for her?”
“She didn’t exactly say that, but yeah. It’s pretty obvious that’s why she came by.”
“What did you tell her?” Elite Affairs was a major player in the wedding and corporate event planning business, responsible for some of the largest, splashiest weddings in the state.
His face scrunched like he’d bitten into a ripe lemon. “I told her we’d pass on the message. I don’t think she realized you actually worked at the Holy Grale, or she probably wouldn’t have approached us about this.”
“You didn’t pass on the message, though.” She pressed her lips together in a tight line.
He sighed. “I’m sorry. I know that was wrong. Really wrong. It’s probably a great opportunity for you and I was selfish and messed it up. I have no idea what we would do without you.”
Julia dropped her head back and laughed. She laughed so hard her stomach hurt and tears spilled down her cheeks.
“I can’t tell if you’re crying because you’re mad or sad or if this is just the prelude to some evil Disney villain revenge plot.”
“I’m not mad,” she said, wiping her cheeks. “I’m happy.”
“Happy?”
“All this time I thought you were thinking about firing me!”
“Fire you? Christ, Julia, never. It doesn’t matter that I make the beer and Jake is the brains of the whole thing. You’re the heart of the Holy Grale. But that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your dreams. I bet it’s not too late to call her if you really want to. I still have the card.”
The reluctance in her brother’s voice was sweeter than any honey. “It’s a huge thrill that someone like Elite Affairs was interested in me, but the last thing I want is to be someone else’s underling. I would be nothing more than a cog in a machine there. I love the freedom I have at the Holy Grale and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I just…I wanted to feel important.”
Eli let out a small laugh as he steered them into the parking lot of the Holy Grale. He killed the ignition and turned to face her. “I guess we both need to get a little better about being honest with each other.”
She grabbed her brother’s hand. “Yeah. We do.”
“Want to talk about what happened between you and Fergus?”
“No. Or, at least, not right now. But maybe soon.
He squeezed her fingers. “Sure. But if we’re not going to talk, how about a little sibling bonding by helping me move all the empty kegs now that your cast is off?”
Fergus checked his phone again, knowing full well it was futile. He’d kept the volume on high and would have heard a text or a ring from the other side of the house. Before Julia, he rarely bothered to check his phone. Emily aside, he could go days without thinking about another person. Weeks, even. But after Julia, he hardly recognized himself anymore. Everything about his life had changed so fast, he hadn’t been ready. He resisted every good thing that came his way until she’d walked out of his life.
He couldn’t blame Julia. He’d been a coward, and if she hadn’t walked away, he probably wouldn’t have changed. Now he didn’t know how the hell he was going to live without her.
But how could he explain that to her if she wouldn’t even answer his calls? He’d been trying to talk to her for two weeks. He didn’t know how to fix this on his own. He needed help. And that’s how he found himself knocking on Ian’s door with a six-pack in hand.
Ian answered first with a look of surprise, then with a wry grin. “Hey, neighbor. It’s not Friday night yet.”
“I need advice,” Fergus grumbled, holding the beer up like a shield.
“Say that again?”
Fergus gritted his teeth. “Advice.”
Ian held up one hand, using the other to pull his phone from his pocket. “Wait, one more time for the camera.”
Fergus glared silently
“Okay, okay. Come in.”
When Fergus stepped past the front door, he realized he hadn’t seen the inside of Ian’s house before. It was a realization that made him strangely uncomfortable as he slipped off his shoes. He couldn’t blame Ian for ribbing him earlier. The house was surprisingly clean—something Fergus wouldn’t have assumed if he’d ever given it any real thought. There were still signs of Melissa all over the place. Photographs of the smiling former couple on the mantle. A pink scarf hanging from the coat rack. Decorative knickknacks that Fergus was fairly confident hadn’t been purchased by Ian.
Fergus took a seat on one of the two matching recliners in front of the television, which was turned to some kind of sports game. Ian muted the volume and cracked open two beers. “All right, let’s talk.”
Fergus twisted the bottle between his palms, unsure where to start. “I screwed up. With Julia.”
Ian nodded, gaze fixed on the television. “Of course. It was only a matter of time.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be supporting me right now?”
“Honesty is the first part of the process, bro.”
Fergus chugged a long pull of beer. “What’s the next part?”
“Determining how much you’re willing to fight to fix things.”
“Whatever it takes.”
Ian nodded. “You know there’s no guarantees, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“And if she tells you it’s really over, you have to respect that.” There was no pain fracturing Ian’s voice, just calm assurance. In spite of everything, Fergus found himself happy for his friend.
“I understand. So? What do I do?”
Ian scratched the back of his head, looking quizzically at him. “Just to be clear, you’re asking advice from the man who signed his divorce papers today. That makes me a failure at all of this love and relationship stuff.”
Fergus sucked back the rest of his beer before answering, giving himself time to think through his answer. “Nah. You’re not a failure. You tried, man. You tried your fucking heart out. That’s what I need to do, too.”
“Have you told her how you feel?”
“I’m not good at the talking stuff.”
Ian laughed. “No shit. But there has to be some way you can show her that you’re ready to fight for her.”
Fergus nodded slowly. “I have one idea, but it’s kind of cheesy.”
Ian reached over and clicked his bottle against Fergus’s. “Then let’s get started on a plan.”
21
“Are you sure you’re up for this, dear?”
Julia slid her key into the igniti
on and gave Carol a reassuring nod. “I’m sure. I’ve always wanted to see the daffodil fields in bloom.”
Carol gave her a smile so sweet, Julia felt it all the way to her toes. It was nearly enough to ward off the anxiety bubbling up in her chest. She hadn’t driven in over six weeks. Even in the days after her cast came off, she’d walked or taken taxis everywhere she could. She’d never been a confident driver, even here in the relatively quiet, uncrowded streets of Shadow Creek. Not since the crash that took her mom’s life a decade ago.
But it was time to move past her fears. Time to be brave. “I’m sure.” She put the car into drive and pulled into the street.
The daffodil fields were barely an hour from Shadow Creek. It was a perfect day for a visit, too. The sun was bright and warm without any hint of clouds in the sky. All the preparations for the celebration this evening were in place, or at least as much as they could be. She’d taken a few hours yesterday to really assess the plans and realized she needed help. She couldn’t rely on the Kiesselburger siblings to get everything ready in her absence, so she’d asked Eli for help. It wasn’t the easiest thing she’d ever done, but somehow it wasn’t as hard as she expected either. Over the past few weeks, she’d learned to rely on Fergus more than she’d ever relied on anyone. Even though she didn’t have him anymore, the impact he’d had on her was still there. She’d learned to trust a little more.
“Did I ever tell you that George gave me a bouquet of daffodils on our first date?” Carol said.
George reached over from the backseat and placed his hand on the corner of Carol’s seat. “The only flower as bright and beautiful as she is.”
A smile tugged at Julia’s lips, but she kept her eyes on the road. It was impossible not to feel inspired by the connection George and Carol shared. “What’s your secret?”
“Secret to what?” Carol asked.
“To making your marriage work for sixty years? You seem like you’re as in love now as the day you were married.”
She saw the reflection of George shaking his head with a smile in the rearview mirror. “Not just as in love. More in love every day. But there’s no secret. Just work.”