The sensation was overwhelming, and she fell down onto her elbows. The sounds of the water mingled with her own cry as she bowed her head. He owned her. She would do anything for him at that moment. The idea floated in what was left of her conscious thoughts, delicious and frightening.
She looked over her shoulder for a glimpse at Niklas. His neck arched and his mouth hung open in ecstasy, but he stopped himself before he went over the edge. He braced her hips in his large hands and began to move. His jaw tightened in his attempts to maintain control. She tilted her hips in invitation, and she felt him jolt behind her.
“I’m yours, Niklas,” she whispered.
She didn’t know if he heard her at first. He thrust hard and deep and let out a growl.
“Again,” he groaned.
“I’m yours. Only yours.”
He stopped. She felt his heavy body lower over hers, and his lips brushed her neck.
“Yes, you are,” he breathed.
He lifted her by her shoulders, pulling her weight off her elbows. Keeping them joined, he sat her back on his lap. He spread his legs and hers, burying himself deeper into her. He wrapped his arms around her, one hand on her thigh and the other between her legs. His chest pressed hard against her back, and his breath rang in her ear.
She lifted her body and sank down as he thrust up to meet her. The hand on her thigh moved to her waist, bracing her for the next thrust.
“Oh, yes.”
The words slipped out of her mouth as she raised herself up for more. She closed her eyes, feeling his slick body and the water raining down on them. His movements lost their controlled edge, and her body responded. She hovered at the point of bliss, gasping, her fingers clawing for something to hold onto, to keep her from losing all sense of herself. Then, with one hard thrust everything inside her exploded.
Niklas cried out from above her, long and low and heavy, his arms pulling her against him. She quivered, aftershocks rolling through her in tiny waves. After a moment, he rested his head on her shoulder, the rough whiskers of his jaw scraping against her. He kissed her neck, letting his lips rest on her wet skin.
“You okay?” he whispered.
She nodded.
“Shit, that was hot,” he said under his breath.
She nodded again, too tired to speak.
“We’re going to run out of warm water soon,” he said.
“I’m not sure I can stand yet.”
“I’m not sure I can either,” Niklas chuckled. “I came so hard I think I short-circuited some of my brain.”
Caroline leaned back onto him and smiled.
“Good thing you don’t need much of it for hockey, right?” she said.
Niklas bit her neck just hard enough to make her yelp.
“What do you know about hockey?” He laughed.
His hands slid around her ribcage, and he lifted her off him. Slowly, he stood up, wincing as he braced himself on the shower ledge. Caroline frowned, registering his pain.
“You had surgery on your knee,” she said. “I forgot.”
Niklas shook his head.
“I can’t feel a thing in the surgery knee,” he said. “It’s the other one that hurts.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You should be… I don’t know, saving your knee for hockey?”
Niklas snorted.
“Are you kidding me? I need to quit hockey so I can save my knee for more sex with you.”
Caroline laughed as she stepped into the stream of water one more time. She slicked her hair back with her hands and then leaned against the shower glass to watch. Niklas turned his face into the water and rubbed it, his biceps flexing with each stroke. He grabbed the soap and washed his body, starting from the top down. The muscles in his stomach flexed into relief as he shifted. He stopped washing, mid-stroke, and looked up at her. He smiled.
“I meant what I said before. I’m yours.” He bent down and kissed her forehead. “All this with Bauer and not knowing what will happen next with us—it’s tearing me up from the inside.”
She rested her cheek against his wet, hard chest, still radiating heat.
“Let’s get dressed and find something to eat,” he said, before she had a chance to reply.
He left her alone in the bathroom to dry off, and by the time she stepped into the bedroom, he had already headed upstairs. Caroline dressed slowly, trying to make sense of what happened in the shower. The side of Niklas she had seen out on the ice was the same person who wanted her on her knees, under him.
Brad’s words kept coming back to her. If you like to be roughed up a little, you should have said so.
No, Brad hadn’t gotten it right. She wasn’t interested in a relationship where she felt any threat of harm. Niklas’s drive seemed to be about winning, about being the best. And if that drive came out in the bedroom? Well, she certainly didn’t have complaints there. He thrived on those moments of control, but not at her expense. Just the opposite, in fact.
The part she struggled with lay in herself, not Niklas. Did she like giving control to him? Everything in her rational brain protested.
Caroline pulled on a t-shirt and headed back into the bathroom. She found her brush and ran it through her long, dark hair, staring at her reflection. She had spent the last winter coming to terms with the idea that she was not content to sit back and let Brad’s life steer her own. Now, six months later, she found herself in the middle of the most intense relationship she had ever had. With a man who had a dominant streak at their most intimate times. What was she looking for?
Caroline put away her brush and left the steamy bathroom. She walked up the stairs and found Niklas in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge.
“I thought we could make something to eat,” he said, glancing back at her. “I should have everything for burgers and a salad.”
He grabbed a few vegetables and piled them on the counter.
“So how does this work with your housekeeper shopping for you? She just guesses what you’d like to eat?”
Niklas pulled out the burger meat and placed it on the island, along with eggs, butter, an onion and breadcrumbs.
“Sort of,” he said. “She buys food for a couple meals, gives me a menu, and if I don’t use it all, she makes the rest into a meal.”
“Hmm… sounds like a dream girl,” she said lightly.
He paused, glowering at her for a moment, before he turned back to the refrigerator. Caroline picked up the onion from the island counter.
“Want me to do something with this?” she asked.
Niklas picked up his phone and scrolled.
“It says you’re supposed to mince the onion.” He smiled up at her. “Whatever that means.”
Her knowledge in the area was more theory than practice, but she nodded. “Got it.”
They got to work on the meal, chopping and frying and laughing at each other’s novice attempts at cooking.
“This is going a lot better than it usually does,” Niklas murmured over her shoulder as she scrolled further down in the recipe. “If I were alone, I would have chucked the recipe by now and just thrown the meat on the grill. I thought burgers were supposed to be simple.”
Caroline put the phone down and closed her eyes, taking in the warmth of Niklas’s body behind her. An unexpected wave of sadness washed through her. This was the same man who she had gotten down on her knees for in the shower. Where did that side go when they stood here in the kitchen, laughing. Could the two sides of her—and of him—fit together?
Niklas turned her around, doubtlessly for some gesture of affection, but his smile faded when he looked at her.
“What’s the matter?”
Caroline shrugged.
“Is it something about what happened in the shower?” he asked quietly.
“I liked it, Niklas. A lot. I guess that’s what’s bothering me.”
Niklas blinked. His brow furrowed.
“It’s bothering you that you like sex with me? I’m not sure how I should take that.”
The corners of his mouth turned up a little, and Caroline couldn’t help but smile. Even now, he could make her smile. That was something.
Niklas stroked her hair and pressed his lips to her head. The smile left his face.
“What part is bothering you?” he asked quietly.
Caroline took a deep breath.
“You were right about Brad, about how he’d try to get under my skin. He had a lot of things to say about our relationship—yours and mine. Some were off base, but other things stuck.”
She glanced up at Niklas. He stopped stroking her hair, and his jaw tightened. Now that she had started talking, she had to continue.
“He pointed out how one-sided our relationship is. How I’m relying on you for just about everything.”
She swallowed and looked down as she continued. “And he’s right. The house, the car, the meals… I already knew this, and I’ve been telling myself it’s temporary, until I—until we figure out what we’re doing.” She glanced up a Niklas. His eyes were still fixed on her. She forced herself to go on. “But in the shower, that turned me on more than anything else when you… well…”
She had never been good at talking about these details. Having sex was one thing, but talking about it somehow felt even more intimate. In fact, before she had met Niklas, she couldn’t remember a time she had discussed sex with a man. Certainly not with Brad. But Niklas wasn’t shy in this area at all.
“When I what?” he said softly. “When I wanted you on your knees? You don’t like that we both got off on that?”
His words brought the physical memory back to her. His hand on the back of her neck as he thrust into her. Her skin prickled as she remembered him over her. Her awareness of him behind her grew sharper.
She looked up again and met his eyes. “Niklas, I feel like I’m taking control of my life for the first time. I don’t want something so… out of my own control to turn me on. And all these months I got the feeling you wanted to stay away from that kind of thing, too.”
His brow creased, and he was silent for a long time, stroking her arms absently with his thumbs. She resisted the urge to lean closer, trying to keep some sort of boundary between them. She had a better chance of thinking clearly this way.
Finally, he spoke. “What turns me or you on in the bedroom—or on the shower floor in this case—doesn’t have to serve as some sort of guide for outside the bedroom. We can make our relationship whatever we want it to be.”
Caroline wasn’t sure what she thought of this statement. She frowned up at him.
“You mean it can be a separate part of our life? Like it’s some sort of… fetish?”
Niklas laughed.
“Is that what it felt like to you?”
Caroline smiled a little and shook her head.
“No. Actually, it felt like we were exploring something new together. I’m just afraid of where that step will lead.”
He leaned down and kissed her gently. His lips were soft and tender, as if to remind both of them of the other parts of their relationship.
“Will you sit on the counter?” he asked.
She looked warily up at him, wondering if this was an ill-timed invitation for sex, but his expression suggested it wasn’t. She nodded. He lifted her up, and when she sat down, she understood why he had asked. The counter was high, and sitting on it, she was now almost at eye level with him. She could feel her own expression soften.
“I like this,” she said, opening her legs to pull him closer.
He stepped forward, resting his hands around the outsides of her thighs.
“Is this why you’re not ready to give Sweden a try?” he asked. “You want to steer your own life, and staying with me and entering my public life makes you feel the opposite.”
She shrugged. “Maybe. I guess so.”
Niklas ran his hands up and down her thighs a few times before he spoke.
“I’ll try to explain what I want, so that’s clear first,” he said. “You’re right that I’ve resisted anything that feels too… too much about power. In my own past, sex hasn’t really meant that much, and I wanted to stay away from anything that could feel like that. Partly because I was a little scared of how I’d react. Hockey gets a part of me going, a part that wants to fight and win and fuck. And I’m still a little wary of that part of me when I’m around you.”
The crass reference to his past conquests stung. But the deep creases across his forehead told Caroline this conversation was difficult for him. He was baring his vulnerabilities, too.
“I’m a little wary of the part of me that likes the rougher side of you,” she said. “And I don’t know how that fits into what we’re doing now.”
Niklas frowned deeply.
“Were you afraid?”
Caroline shook her head. “No, not quite. Not in a bad way. And I guess that’s part of the problem.”
Niklas brought his hands to her face, stroking her cheeks and her neck. “Caroline, I’ve never been turned on by the idea of hurting a woman, not before you and absolutely not now.”
She winced at the discussion about abuse, so unvarnished. He traced her jaw with his fingers, his eyes still fixed on hers.
“I don’t like talking about this any more than you do, especially connected to what just happened in the shower,” he whispered. “But I don’t want this hanging between us, either.”
He closed his eyes for a moment and took a long breath before he continued.
“I used to be more afraid that aggression and sex were connected when we first got together. Like it was some dormant part of me that would come out unexpectedly. But craving a release with you after getting worked up isn’t the same as mixing up sex and aggression. For me, sex is all about pleasure, yours and mine. I just really, really like to be in control sometimes.”
He kissed her again, slower this time. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him a little closer. He traced the sides of her body, down her neck and over her shoulders. He continued along her ribcage and her waist until his hands rested on her hips. His thumbs played with the edge of her t-shirt, slipping under to find her skin, still hot from their long shower. His voice came out husky and low when he spoke again.
“Having you like that is still the hottest thing I can imagine when I’m in that mood. Just talking about it is going to make me hard. But it’s not the only thing I want. When I came, I wanted to hold onto you and never let go.”
She closed her eyes, the scene from the shower replaying in her mind, over and over. His heavy body over hers as she whispered words she never thought she’d say. And she had meant them. The image sent an erotic jolt through her. She could feel her body beg to explore this new territory again, chased by the same uneasiness that had dogged her before. She opened her eyes again and met Niklas’s, and she could feel the blush creep up the back of her neck even before she began to speak.
“Niklas, you’re all hard muscle and probably twice as big as me. I came to the rink today to see if that part of you—the part of you that gets into fights and won’t let up until you win—I wanted to see if that was part of what turns me on about you.”
Niklas’s mouth parted as she spoke, and he moved his hands onto her bare skin. He took a thick breath.
“And did it turn you on?” he groaned.
Caroline nodded. The conversation was quickly taking another turn, and Caroline wasn’t sure she knew how to get it back onto more steady ground. Just the tone of his voice reminded her of things he had whispered in her ear.
“You didn’t want it to?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“Why?”
Pulling together her thoughts wasn’t working well, so instead she simply opened her mouth and let the ideas fall out.
“Because it makes me one in a long line of women who you have fun with until you get t
ired of them. Because no educated, self-respecting woman today chooses to give herself over to a man. Because no Catholic woman wants sex this much.”
His eyes widened.
“You sure you’re Catholic?”
Caroline sighed.
“Sort-of,” she said. “On paper, at least.”
The corners of his mouth turned up.
“Lucky for me, some of the religion’s tenets seem to be flexible.”
She let out a little snort of laughter and rested her forehead on his. Niklas’s hands left her sides, and he brought them up to lift her face, coaxing her to meet his eyes.
“Let’s make one thing completely clear, Caroline,” he said roughly. “What we have is a different kind of connection, no matter what we do in the bedroom. Or on the shower floor.”
Caroline frowned.
“But I’m afraid I’m going to do something desperate,” she said.
“Like dropping everything and moving to Sweden?”
Caroline closed her eyes and nodded.
“Caroline, when I followed you to the Stockholm airport, begging you to let me come with you, I had no idea how you’d react. I felt vulnerable as hell.”
Niklas paused, as if to consider his next words. “This relationship is moving really fast because it has to. But I’m not complaining. If we were just living across the hall from each other back in Stockholm, I’d probably still be coming home from practice, locking my door and getting myself off in the shower, thinking of you. The real thing is much, much better.”
The image of him in the shower, stroking himself, brought another wave of heat to her face.
Niklas smiled. “You like that? The idea of me getting off to fantasies about you?”
She wanted to look away, but he still held her face in his palms.
“I guess so. That’s part of the problem.”
Stockholm Diaries, Caroline 2 Page 15