6
Two and a half years was an unusually long engagement, but Kitty didn’t mind about that. She enjoyed the sense of security it gave her, happy that they were now living together in London, and no longer felt the need to know precisely where Angus was or who he was with on the evenings he went for a drink after work. Besides, it meant she could finish her course before they actually got married. It was almost time now: she just had her final assignment to submit and then she could concentrate on how she and Isla should wear their hair, whether to set up the reception in the main hall rather than the barn, as the weather could not be guaranteed, what centrepieces to have for the tables – she was thinking greenery with blue thistles and wild flowers – and the thousand other chores on her to-do list.
In truth, the whole wedding thing made her nervous. Not the day itself or even the many details still to be decided – she was of the mind that none of that really mattered – but the prospect of spending the rest of her life as Mrs Angus Thompson. She loved him that much she knew, but the heady, heart-fluttering passion that she’d read about…? What they had was far from that. It was instead cosy companionship, a warm feeling, a reassuring sense that she’d been chosen, that Angus wanting to marry her conferred on her a special status.
She’d made cryptic mention of her concerns to Tizz, Ruraigh’s girlfriend, one afternoon when they’d gone out for coffee together, but Tizz had just laughed and said that most people who were about to get hitched wondered whether there might be something better out there. ‘“What if” moments are good, positive!’ Tizz said. ‘Because without questioning, without doubting, how can you know if you’re making the right decision?’
Kitty took a long slurp of her cappuccino, having nothing to add.
‘At the end of the day, you settle for what you have,’ Tizz continued, ‘as that’s what’s on offer.’ She’d gone a bit hesitant then, had busied herself stirring the sugar into her coffee, before asking, ‘Do you not think, Kitty, that as a wannabe writer you might be more prone than many to having romantic, fanciful notions about relationships? Notions that are never going to match up to the reality. When it comes down to it, bodice-ripping and endless gifts of chocolates and flowers are all very well, but it’s the ability to sit down and talk that matters, don’t you agree?’
Kitty had nodded, and she knew Tizz spoke the truth. But the occasional bit of bodice-ripping would have been nice… At twenty-one, she expected to be having the best sex ever! And she wasn’t. There was nothing wrong as such in their relationship, nothing she could pinpoint, it was just a feeling, a tiny sliver of doubt, fuelled by Angus’s aloof nature and the many hours he spent at work or out with Thomas and the rest of his gang, while she stared at the TV catching up on The Bill.
She often pondered on Tizz’s comment about being able to sit down and talk about things. Angus could be quite cool when it came to discussing emotional subjects, including her mother’s illness, and there were times when she found herself wishing he was more open and supportive. Having now spent time in the company of his parents, she knew where this came from. This morning had been a particularly upsetting example. She’d been reading a letter from her dad at the breakfast table, and the way he’d mentioned her mum – I know Mum would want me to send you all her love – without lying but also without spelling out that she was clearly having a bad episode, had made Kitty sob into her cereal. Angus hadn’t reacted to her tears at all, had simply looked up at her and then back at his newspaper, which had made Kitty both sad and furious. She had pointedly not returned his goodbye kiss when he set off for the Tube, and had purposely not shared with him the details of her day ahead.
Now, two hours later, Kitty put her negative thoughts about Angus to the back of her mind. She had just handed in her last assignment and had the rest of the day to herself. She ambled down the street, loving the feel of the warm autumn sun on her bare midriff, a rare day when being in London felt like a novelty. It was sometimes hard to retain her enthusiasm for life in the capital when the rain-streaked concrete and soaked tarmac only seemed to highlight the gloom, but sunshine made all the difference. That and the fact that she planned to go to the big pool in Camden for a swim later. Angus had promised her that they’d be able to afford a house with its own pool in London one day soon, but for now she made do with the public baths in Camden; it was about as far from the laurel hedge at Darraghfield as it was possible to get, but she still relished every opportunity to be in the water.
She stopped at a newsagent’s window to read the small ads, wondering if she might offer her services as a dog-walker and whether that could be a salve for the things she missed about Darraghfield – the animals, the outdoor life, being surrounded by nature. How she missed the place. In her more fanciful moments, she wished she could fast-forward to a time when she and Angus would move home and she would be able to swim in her own pool every single day. She wondered what Angus would say about her doing dog-walking. He wouldn’t get it, he’d say they didn’t need the money and that she’d be better off concentrating on the wedding; he wouldn’t understand that it was about more than just a measly hourly rate.
She was drawn to the sound of a bell, a café door opening, and felt the need for a restorative coffee. As she was wondering whether to bother or whether she’d simply make her way home, she turned her head, and there, standing on the pavement seemingly deep in thought, was none other than Theo Montgomery!
‘Oh my God! Theo? Theo!’ Fuelled by excitement, she yelled much louder than was necessary.
He did a double-take and seemed a little abashed, but, like her, also delighted. ‘Oh my God! Kitty!’ He beamed. ‘No way!’
She rushed forward, dropping her bag and file on the pavement. Jumping up, she threw her arms around his neck. It was wonderful to see him, her old school friend and confidant, and today of all days, when she was pining for her family, it gave her a warm feeling of belonging.
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked as she pulled away, taking in his handsome face and his broad-shouldered physique.
‘Just on my way to uni.’ He pointed up the road.
‘Oh God, it’s so great to see you!’ She bobbed her knees, giddy, excited, as if in the presence of Theo it was permissible to revert to her teenage self. ‘Do you want to grab a coffee? Have you got time? I don’t want to keep you.’ She pointed over her shoulder with her thumb to the café along the street.
‘Now?’ He checked his watch as if weighing up the consequences of being late for wherever he was headed.
‘Yes, now!’ She laughed.
‘Yep, of course, great!’
She fell into step beside him. It was a strange thing: she was twenty-one, at the end of her course, living with her fiancé and about to be married, yet at that precise moment, walking along the street with Theo by her side, she felt like she was fourteen again and just as clumsy. Even her natural walking pace lost its rhythm and she feared she might stumble if she didn’t concentrate. She kept turning her head to take him in. He was taller, broader, slimmer than when she’d last seen him, but still with the handsome face and thick dark curly hair she loved.
‘I’m at college, not far from here.’ She nodded into the distance.
‘And you’re studying journalism, right?’
She wondered how he knew that – probably from one of the Old Vaizey Boys. ‘Yep.’ She nodded. ‘Don’t know if that’s what I’ll do finally, but I’m enjoying it, so…’
‘You’re a long way from the Highlands.’
‘I know.’ She looked down. ‘And I miss it so much. There are days when I have to stop myself throwing everything I own into a suitcase, jumping on a train, climbing into my walking boots and racing up a mountain to gulp down lungfuls of that beautiful clean air!’ She closed her eyes briefly.
And I miss my mum and dad. I miss them so badly, it hurts. I sometimes wish I could wind back the clock and be a child again, running barefoot without a care in the world and my mum and dad clo
se by…
‘Running up a mountain or going for a swim.’ He smiled.
‘Oh, Theo, you remembered! Yes, I still love to swim.’ Kitty beamed.
As they queued for their drinks, she studied his clothes: a crumpled pink shirt that was in need of an iron, and slim jeans that fitted snugly over his long, muscular legs. She swallowed the frisson of attraction that flared in her gut. Don’t be ridiculous, Kitty, this is Theo! Your friend! And you are about to get married!
She gathered the creamy, chocolate-sprinkled cappuccino from the counter and made her way to a vacant booth along the laminate-clad wall. Theo followed with his can of 7up.
‘It is so good to see you, Theo.’ She studied his face and found his blush under her scrutiny most endearing. ‘You look…’
‘I look what?’
‘You look lovely.’
‘Lovely? I’d prefer something a bit more rugged,’ he quipped, tensing his arms into a he-man pose before sipping from the can.
‘Nope.’ She shook her head. ‘It doesn’t work like that. You don’t get to choose the words in my head and that’s it: you look lovely to me.’
There was a second or two of silence while her words settled over them like glitter. They held each other’s gaze without embarrassment, as if their shared history allowed for this intimacy.
‘I’ve often thought I might bump into you, and I’ve kept a lookout for you, but you never go to any of the reunion events at Vaizey, do you?’
‘No. I have absolutely no desire to go back.’
‘But you should. They’re good fun and it’s nice to catch up with people.’
He sat up tall in the seat and she caught the flash of hurt in his eyes. It saddened her, the memory of his fight with the school bully on that fateful day, after which he’d become even quieter and more withdrawn.
‘Only hell or high water would drag me back there,’ he offered, finally and firmly.
Kitty changed the topic. ‘I always liked sitting next to you,’ she said. ‘I liked it very much. I remember how whenever Mr Reeves said something risqué or stupid we’d look at each other – that little glance that meant we both got it!’ She threw her head back and laughed loudly and without restraint in a way that she hadn’t for a long time.
‘He was so dull.’
‘He was so dull!’ She laughed again and he joined in.
‘Shall we get some cake? I’m starving.’ She liked how at ease she was with him. He had after all seen her crying in her school uniform, and humiliated on the hockey pitch. And he’d helped her with her homework. ‘Just one bit, we can share.’
The two sat in the booth with a slab of Victoria sandwich between them and two forks, jousting for the best bits of the disappointingly dry sponge. It was for Kitty the nicest hour and a half she’d spent in a very long time, one of those rare occasions when there was absolutely nowhere else she wanted to be. It was as if the real world had slipped away and she was once again a kid, free from the responsibility of adulthood, free from her fears as to what her future as Mrs Angus Thompson might hold.
‘So, Theodore,’ she asked sternly, ‘have you learnt any of Mr Kipling’s poetry yet?’ She dipped her chin and looked at him through her strawberry-blonde lashes, expecting him to laugh loudly and punch her arm. What came next floored them both.
Theo carefully laid his fork on the tabletop and took a swig of his lemonade. He stared into her eyes and began.
‘This is from “The Gypsy Trail”.’ He coughed. ‘By Rudyard Kipling.
‘The wild hawk to the wind-swept sky,
The deer to the wholesome wold,
And the heart of a man to the heart of a maid,
As it was in the days of old.
‘The heart of a man to the heart of a maid –
Light of my tents, be fleet.
Morning waits at the end of the world,
And the world is all at our feet!’
Kitty pushed the cake plate away from her and knitted her hands on the tabletop. Her eyes glazed over with emotion, and so did Theo’s. It was a moment to be cherished.
She looked down into her lap and her voice when it came was hushed. ‘That’s beautiful.’
‘You are beautiful. The most beautiful. I have always thought so. Always.’
Tears started falling unbidden down Kitty’s cheeks. There was such sincerity and sensitivity in Theo’s compliment. The way he looked at her was something she would never forget. He made her feel special; special just for being her. It was the way he’d always looked at her, even at school, but right now it felt different, more intense, somehow. More serious. Her whole body trembled, and the tears continued to flow.
‘Please don’t cry! I’m sorry if I made you sad.’
‘I’m not crying because of you, I’m crying because I’ve got so much going on that sometimes I can’t think straight.’ Kitty sniffed and looked up at him, unwilling to bring Angus into the conversation or talk about being upset with him that morning, and not wanting to spoil the mood by talking about her mum’s fragile health.
Theo placed his hand over hers. ‘Oh, Kitty, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want to go and get something to drink that isn’t coffee?’
Kitty nodded and managed a smile.
The pub was quiet, but their boozing was frenzied: whisky shots followed pints of beer, and by early afternoon they were more than tipsy. Kitty felt fearless; it had been an age since she’d let go like this and the more she drank, the more she liked it.
Theo suddenly reached for her hand, pulled her to him and kissed her firmly on the mouth. She might have been part sloshed, but that kiss was definitely in the bodice-ripping category. Her stomach fluttered at the hint of what else they might experience together. At a deep, visceral level, Kitty wanted more of it.
They pulled apart and stood inches from each other, as if no words were needed. Theo reached for his bag and coat and Kitty downed the last of her drink before picking up her file. Hand in hand, with Theo leading the way, they part ran, part walked to his flat in Belsize Park. They kissed on the stairs and again in the hallway. With intoxicating flames of pure pleasure leaping in her gut, Kitty was entirely caught up in the moment. By the time Theo opened his front door, she was pulling at his shirt, yanking it free from the waistband of his jeans.
‘If you knew the minutes, hours, days, weeks I have dreamt of this moment, Miss Montrose…’ He kissed her hungrily, guiding her to his bedroom.
‘You are my knight in shining armour, remember?’ Kitty slurred, hooking her hands around the back of his neck and inhaling the scent of this boy, now man, who had been in her life for so long and was now presented to her in this most unexpected and wonderful way. It was as if scales had fallen from her eyes.
*
Kitty woke but kept her eyes closed, lying still for a moment or two, letting her brain and stomach settle. There was a split second when she didn’t know where she was. She pushed out her toes and they touched a leg – Theo’s leg. Instantly she recalled where she was and what had happened. The image of Angus swam into her mind and bile rose in her throat, partly out of guilt and partly because of the booze that still sloshed through her veins. She froze, breathless at the realisation of what she’d done.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh my God, Kitty, what were you thinking? How could you?
She opened her eyes slowly and smiled nervously. And there it was again, that look in his eyes that conveyed so much more than vague words ever could. It was a look of love. A look of hope. Kitty felt a stab of guilt at the fact that she had no doubt, and without any right or forethought, encouraged both.
‘Oh God, Theo!’ She placed her hand over her eyes, as if the lamplight offended. ‘What time is it?’
‘Nearly seven.’ He yawned.
‘In the evening?’ She sat up straight. No! How had that happened? She had to be somewhere. She had to be home!
‘Yes, in the evening!’ He laughed, as if it was amusing, as if they were starting out. The kind of l
augh that in another life, at another time, would have led to more lazy kissing and then a lazy evening…
‘Shit! Oh Shit!’ Kitty flung back the duvet and, unabashed by her nakedness, felt around on the floor for her hastily discarded clothing.
‘It’s not that late – I thought we might get some supper?’ He moved the pillow beneath his head to get comfy.
The gentle confidence in his voice made it even worse. Her heart thumped at the horribleness of what she was about to do. She hated herself for it, hated that she was going to let him down and hurt him, hated that she was going to tarnish how he saw her, possibly fatally, and forever fracture their friendship.
‘Supper?’ She stopped ferreting on the floor and glanced at him, stricken. ‘Theo…’ She chose her tone deliberately, wincing at the devastated expression that had crept across his handsome face. She could tell that he was readying himself for words he instinctively knew he did not want to hear. His shoulders rounded and his chin dropped and she felt grubby.
She gulped and looked mournfully into her lap. She so wanted to tell him how wonderful he had made her feel, how exciting their union had been, so unlike everything she’d known before, and how if things had been different…
Her skin prickled at the memory of his kiss along her décolletage, the slow, unhurried pace with which he’d touched her; there’d been no rush, no bitter tang of disappointment, no being left wanting. It had been complete, beautiful, and she’d felt strangely present in a way she never had before. She had no idea sex could be like this. It had been quite, quite beautiful.
But things were not different. Angus was at home waiting for her and she had chosen the flower arrangements for the top table, the hymns for the service…
She blinked suddenly, whipping her head as if returning to consciousness. An image of Angus on one knee leapt into her mind. She thought about the garnet ring sitting on her bedside table, removed on her swimming days to ensure she didn’t lose it in the pool. She curled the knickers in her palm as she shook her hair from her face. Then she glanced up.
How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story Page 11