by Dauphin, M.
Maybe this is my sign. I told myself, after all, that if things get too complicated to deal with I would back away. If this information, that she wanted to kill herself at one point in her life, isn’t complicated I don’t know what is. The ONE THING I understand less than fighting is suicide... and my girl is both of those. A suicidal fighter. Man, I really know how to pick them.
“Fuck, Red… how can you think that?” I sigh into the door, leaning on the doorframe.
“It was a while ago, Eddie. I don’t think that way anymore.” Her voice is so small, like she’s in trouble. Shit, the last thing I want her to be is afraid of me.
“The thought, at the time, was that it would just be easier to give up than to live with the regret and guilt every day. Sounds pretty cut and dry to me.” She says in such a tone that she’s defending her thoughts. You can’t defend that statement... that’s just ridiculous.
“Jesus, Red. I don’t know... this is all so much.” I sigh. Fuck! Why are things always so complicated? “Just come on out... we can talk about this. About everything.” If it means telling her everything, all of my rules, all of my past, I’ll do it. Just to make her understand why I think the way I do. Maybe there is a way out of this after all.
I hear her sigh, and clear her throat. The door opens more, to show me the woman I’ve completely fallen for in an unexplainable amount of time. It’s crazy, right? Meeting someone and falling for them so fast. I did it, though, and it just feels so fucking right. She has fixed her makeup so it no longer runs down her face, her eyes are shiny, and there are no traces of the tears she shed just a few minutes ago. She looks determined. She looks like my Red again.
“No. We won’t talk about it,” she says. “I told you, you get it or you don’t. I’ll give you tonight to think about it, ONLY because I don’t want you to miss Molly and Tatum’s wedding and I’m sure you aren’t leaving this room without me. So let’s just go, this drama shit can wait.” Her eyes are pleading with me, though her body is telling me she isn’t taking no for an answer.
I nod, trying my hardest not to grab her and take her right there. I love the stubborn side of this woman.
“You look beautiful tonight, Red,” I say softly as I take her hand and pull her to me for a kiss. A kiss that for some reason feels like a goodbye kiss.
I shouldn’t have broken down my walls for her. I can already feel my heart breaking because of it. Damnit, why do I have to care so much for her?
Chapter 6
Gwynn
One night. I can do one night with him. Jesus, I’m so happy I never told him how I really feel about him. That would have just made the break even worse. I could see the judgment in his eyes, the hate, when I told him I had, at one point in time, wished I was dead. Did I still wish it? Absolutely not! That was the lowest point in my life, and I regret every thought that went through my head, but I can’t change the past. I still don’t really know why I told him that. I would have been able to really enjoy tonight had it not been for that little piece of information, but now I get to sit here and watch this man pretend to be happy with me, when all I can think is how bad it’s going to hurt when he decides I’m not worth the struggle.
I wish Jase had never showed up. He had no right to do that, and it pisses me off that he thought he didn’t do anything wrong. What the hell is going on with him anyway? Ever since I started seeing Eddie, Jase went from the best friend to the jealous ex-boyfriend, and I’m not a fan of it.
“Hey, you okay?” Eddie’s hand gently squeezes my knee as we sit at the table, waiting for the newlyweds to arrive.
The wedding was simple. Much to my dismay there was no Elvis impersonator, as Tatum made everything as perfect as could be for his girl. I could see the love between the two, even when they weren’t in the same room together. One day I will find that, hell I thought I did find it. When he looked at me like that though, with no clue as to how it feels to lose someone you love so much, and still passed judgment on me, I knew it couldn’t be. I knew it was too good to be true.
“Yea... I’m fine.” I plaster on a fake smile and proceed on with the evening as if my heart isn’t about to get ripped out and stomped on.
The bride and groom make their appearance soon after and we spend the evening sharing stories of Tatum’s past, learning about Molly’s business venture in Texas, and yet nothing is brought up about Eddie. No past stories, no funny exploits, nothing. I just want to know something about him, something that will make him seem more human to me, and less like a dream, once I finally wake up from it.
“He keeps to himself, Gwynn. He’s not as social as he may seem,” Molly says leaning over to me. I laugh quietly, Eddie doesn’t seem social at all to me.
“What makes you think I am worried about that? Can’t a girl just have a little fun?” I smile sweetly, hoping she can’t see the tears threatening. Shit, why did I have to go and get messed up with this man?
She smiles back at me, but Molly isn’t good at hiding her feelings. I know she knows something else is running through my head, but I’m not about to let on. I’ve already shared too much for one night. All I feel like doing is getting back to my room and curling into the sheets until I can get an early flight out tomorrow. If Eddie can’t deal with my past, then there’s no reason for me to stay here in Vegas with him.
“Hey, Gwynn. The hotel reminded me today that your room is being used in the morning for some type of photo shoot so they wanted to make sure it’ll be clear. You are ok with that, right?” Tatum speaks up, then takes a swig of his beer.
“What? I thought I had the room now that Molly and you... well… can share...” I’m being kicked out?
“Molly technically only had the room until noon today. When everything with our man over here went south, they let us keep it until tonight, as long as it is vacated by morning to clean for the shoot. Sorry... I guess I forgot to tell you.” He doesn’t look sorry... he looks smug. Like he knows he is throwing me back into the lion’s den. What the hell is with these people and their meddling?
“Oh... okay. Well thanks for letting me use it while our friend over here got his shit together.” I smile and sip my water. Son of a bitch, it doesn’t look like tonight is going to be fun, after all.
“Just come back to our room... no biggie, Red. Right?” Eddie’s hand is still on my knee, like he’s afraid to lose contact with me for just one second. Could I have misread him earlier, could he get past the fact that I wanted to die and stay with me?
“Nope... no biggie at all.” This fake smile is really starting to piss me off. This isn’t me. This isn’t the girl I swore to be, this is the girl I swore off.
“Excuse me,” I say politely, pushing myself up from the table. I need fresh air, and maybe a cab to take me back to get my things.
Walking out through the lobby of the restaurant, I hear her footsteps behind me, but don’t stop until I get outside. Of course she would follow me. I get outside and take a deep breath. I can do this. I’m Gwynnie the fucking GREAT. I shouldn’t be let down because of one man’s feelings of me.
“Mind to tell me what has you all out of sorts tonight?” she asks as she leans against the banister. Her naturally wavy red hair is pulled up into a beautiful twist, with one calla lily pinned to the side. She is beautiful, but she doesn’t know how to mind her own business.
“Nothin’s wrong,” I answer and lean down on the banister by her. The view here is beautiful at night, with all of the city lights shining and blinking.
“Sure. Okay.” She doesn’t say anything else, and for ten minutes we stand there in silence, every minute making me more and more anxious.
It’s not my fault he was put off by my feelings from my PAST. No, I don’t still feel that way, but just his reaction to me told me he was sickened by the fact that someone would even think that. I hate it when people judge other people, and that’s just what he is doing. He doesn’t know half of my life story, but he is sitting there sickened by my one statement of what ha
ppened in the past. Fuck that. Mister ‘I had a great life’ isn’t allowed to judge anyone else. He doesn’t know how it feels to feel like the failure of the family.
“He’s so annoying!” I grumble, forgetting that she’s still standing there. Instead of answering me she just nods her head and keeps her gaze on the Vegas skyline, grinning that famous grin that I’m getting used to seeing on her.
“I mean, he judge’s people off the bat, no questions, no explanations... it’s so FRUSTRATING! I thought we had something! And just like that, he shows me how unapologetic and uncaring he can be!” It may have just started spilling out of me, and I may be as far from the truth as I really believe, but it’s out there now.
“Who are you talking about?” She looks over at me.
“EDDIE!” I yell, not caring who hears.
Molly laughs and shakes her head.
“How much do you really know about him, Gwynn?” she finally asks.
I know he is amazing in bed, I know he has some extremely sexy ink. I know he can run a computer better than I can (or at least I assume it). Other than that… nada.
“Not much, I guess.” I shrug. Who cares if I don’t know his last name or what he does for a living, he still had no reason to look at me with that much hatred over my one statement. “But I can’t stand people that judge others, and that’s exactly what he did. He doesn’t know my past, he doesn’t know loss like I do...”
“You don’t know his past either, Gwynn.” Molly looks at me and shakes her head again. “Why don’t you actually try talking to him when you two are alone, rather than screwing each other’s brains out. It might do some good for both of you.”
“We don’t-”
“Stop. I know the look he gives you all too well. Just take my advice and talk to him before you do anything too rash.” She gives me a quick hug and walks back inside.
I can do that. We can be in the same room without ripping each other’s clothes off, right? I just want him to understand where I was coming from when I told him that. I wasn’t looking for help, I wasn’t telling him I wanted to die today, I was simply explaining why I looked so broken. Because any time my father comes up I get that way. I loved my daddy, and nothing and no amount of time will make me forget how I felt after his death.
Walking back to the table, I slip into my seat and Eddie looks over and grins at me while Tatum rambles on about football. He takes my hand and holds on tight, as if he knows I’m about to bolt instead of facing the hard stuff. I told him I’d give him tonight. If after tonight he still can’t understand how I felt four years ago, I have to let him go. I’ll get an early flight if need be. I need him to understand the loss I was feeling, and I need to know that he doesn’t judge me for my thoughts in the past.
Finally, Tatum stops talking and the table goes silent. Molly is watching Eddie silently while Tatum orders a drink. It’s gotten awkward fast, and now all I really want to do is leave and get this conversation over with. I’m praying we can move forward from this. I’m praying that the vibe I got from Molly earlier was a good vibe. I’m praying that I won’t have to let him go.
“Ready?” His voice in my ear brings me out of my thoughts, and I realize it’s just us sitting at the table. “I think it’s time we head back.”
“Yea, sure. I’m not drinking anything anyway so I’d much rather be back and in my sweats.” I yawn and he laughs.
“Well, I’m damn glad I got to see you in this outfit tonight,” he leans a little closer, giving me chills when his breath hits my neck. “And I’m fucking stoked to get to strip it off you.”
I smile and turn my head to his, giving him a quick kiss before getting out of my seat. Jesus, I can’t be around him for five minutes without wanting to jump him, even in a public place. How the hell am I going to spend a night with him just talking?
Chapter 7
Eddie
The entire wedding I watched her and nothing about her seemed unhappy. She was brilliance in her blue dress. Her hair was perfectly subdued with just enough funk to show her amazing personality. Jesus, even her shoes made me want to fuck her.
Everything about her is exactly what I need, and nothing that I thought I wanted. I don’t care though. I need her like I need air to breathe.
When my mom killed herself, I knew I’d never have a ‘normal’ life. I guess as a kid I grew up with my blinders on. I knew what he did to her, but I didn’t think anything of it because I was a kid, and I didn’t know the ramifications of what he was doing to her until it was too late. Hearing Red talk about wishing her life had ended with her father’s... that broke my heart.
Fuck, then she told me I had one night to pretty much decide if I could be with her or not. It all comes down to one thing; can I live with the fact that the woman I’ve fallen in love with used to be suicidal? I want to say yes. I want her more than I wanted anything in my life, but she needs to understand where I’m coming from. I need to tell her.
As soon as she leaves the table Molly follows her. Shit.
“Dude, snap out of it!” Tatum yells from across the table. “What the hell is going on with you two?” he asks as he finishes up another beer.
“I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about,” I growl. I’m still pissed he lied to me that she left. That was a headache I could have not had, had he just told me. Bros before ho’s and all that shit. Apparently not.
“Bullshit. Grow a pair, Eddie. That woman looks at you like you are her lifeline. You’re gonna fuck this up if you can’t get your shit together and grow a fucking pair.”
“Drop it man,” I hiss across the table at him. “We’re fucking fine.”
“Dude, you had it rough. I get it. That woman loves you... you can see it in her eyes. Your rules are bullshit, Eddie. I get not wanting to be like them... but that’s your fucking choice. By the looks of her tonight... you are about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to you. Fuck man! Last night wasn’t enough of a scare that you were going to lose her? Now, not a day later, you are back to the same bullshit. Stop being such a pansy, Eddie. She’s gonna be gone before you get your shit together if you keep this up.” He shakes his head at me and chuckles. Asshole.
Lose her? Not on my watch, what the hell made him say that?
“What are you talking about, Tatum?” I cave and ask. Drunk Tatum is loud, but he is almost as smart as sober Tatum. He gets a better feel of character and people’s feelings drunk. It is insanely fucking strange, but for as long as I’ve known him he’s been like that.
“Every time she looks at you tonight she plasters on that fake ass smile. I’ve known her twenty four hours and can tell it... you can’t say you didn’t notice how fake that was?” His eyebrows raise at me, waiting for an answer. Shit, she did seem off. I guess I thought it was just her trying to be not as outspoken around my friends, trying to make a good impression. Why would she leave me, she told me I had tonight. I still have time... right?
“Fuck,” I groan and run my hands over my hair. It’s a gesture that started after I shaved my head for the first time, and has since become something I do without even thinking about it, just to remind myself I’m not him.
I’m not him.
Fuck... I’m NOT him. I’m me. I’m Eddie.
Oh SHIT.
“You seriously think she’s leaving? Jesus, should I go after her!?” Panic starts welling in my chest and an unfamiliar feeling of fear starts running through me. Oh god, I don’t enjoy this. I need her next to me. She can’t run from me... she gave me tonight!
“Nah, Molly’s got this. Drink up, dude. You’re gonna have a long night... and it’s not going to be fun.” He laughs as he finishes another beer. Jesus, at his rate his isn’t going to be enjoying his night either; or at least his morning tomorrow.
Son of a bitch.
She comes back to the table and I immediately see that smile. That fake fucking smile that I had missed all night because I was too worried about how damn sexy she looks. Shit. I grab
her hand when she sits down, needing the contact and the assurance that she isn’t going anywhere.
I need my Red. As crazy as it sounds, even after just a couple of weeks since I’ve known her, she’s the one that I want to be with. I want tiny, redheaded, bat shit crazy children... FUCK, KIDS!? My mind won’t stop racing at the possibility of having that happily ever after that I never wanted, with the one woman who has made me want it.
Grabbing my drink I take another swig, and as soon as the newlyweds clear the table I make the move to leave. I need to get her back to privacy where I can spill my guts to her. Finishing up my liquid courage, I keep hold of her hand and march her to our hotel. I want to get past this. I want to get to the part where we are happy again, and tonight is going to be anything but happy.
“Hold up!” She lags behind a bit, then stops, taking off her heels and flashes me one of her famous Red smiles. There’s my girl... she’s still there.
“Need a lift?” I grin.
“Har har asshole... you try speed walking through the streets of Vegas in heels like this!” She slaps my arm with her purse and keeps walking, stunning me with her pure beauty.
By the time we make it back to the hotel she’s bitching about the dress, the bare feet, and all I can think about is getting her dress off her and getting her in bed. I know we have a lot to talk about before that can happen though, but I’m not happy about it. The door shuts behind us, but she doesn’t stop and wait for me. Instead, she marches right into the bathroom and comes out shortly after she goes in, wearing my fucking Rancid shirt and boxers.
Smiling, she plays with the hem of the shirt and looks down at herself.
“Guess I should go get my stuff from the other room.”
“No. Don’t. You look perfect.” Her eyes come to meet mine and she grins at me again. “I like you in my clothes.” I walk towards her and embrace her, lifting her for the hug. She doesn’t wrap around me like I wish she would, just awkwardly hugs me back.