Luca’s lip was swelling and bleeding and Riley noticed a large bump on the back of his head.
“I think I need to take him to the ER.”
“I’ll get dressed.” Sam ran back to the hall in his boxers.
“I don’t think you should come—”
“I’m coming,” he said. She could have argued, but she didn’t want to take the time. Luca had moved into the ugly sobs stage and wouldn’t let go of her.
Sam was only gone for a minute and when he returned, he was fully dressed. Even shoes. “Here, let me take him while you put on some clothes. I’ll put him in the car.” Riley didn’t get the chance to answer when Luca screamed again and pulled away from Sam. “Just grab my sweatpants. I’ll pull them on in the car.”
She secured a sobbing Luca in his car seat and slid in next to him, so he wouldn’t get more upset. His little hands were clenched in her hair so she couldn’t leave him.
Sam drove them to the hospital while Riley pulled on her pants and tried to soothe her son with singing. It wasn’t working. Not even when Sam tried to help. Luca just kept crying and her heart broke.
The ER wasn’t horribly crowded at three in the morning. A young, female doctor took them right back while asking questions. “What happened?”
“We’re not exactly sure,” Riley said. “Sam was having a bad dream and we think he might have pushed or hit him. I found him on the floor. He has a lump on the back of his head.”
The doctor flashed a small light in Luca’s eyes and frowned. There was nothing worse in the world than seeing the doctor frown at the response time of her son’s pupils.
“Is he okay?” she asked.
“He has a concussion. I’d like to get an x-ray to make sure nothing is broken in his face as well as check his neck.”
“I’m so sorry,” Sam said. Riley could tell the words were ripped from his chest. She knew he hadn’t done it on purpose, but at the moment she only saw the man who hurt her kid. She wasn’t capable of telling him it was fine.
Riley stayed with Luca as they prepped him for the X-ray. They’d told her there was nothing they could do for his lip. The cut was inside so they couldn’t stitch it. She put on the heavy apron and sat next to him while he got his x-ray.
“Luca, let’s be very still for a second, okay baby? Can you pretend you’re a rock?” He whimpered in response. “Come on. Be a rock with me. Ready? Go.”
She felt his hand tense in hers and the hum of the machine above her.
“You were a very good rock.” The woman came in and positioned him for the next film. He fussed a little, but had settled down. “Are you ready to be a rock again?” she asked.
He nodded once. He did great, but as soon as they were done he was hanging on her neck again.
“Please have a seat here, and we’ll take a look.” The woman gestured to a smaller waiting area in the hall. Sam was sitting there. His head hung in his hands miserably. He looked up when Luca said his name.
She watched as he swallowed and stood. He was a wreck.
“Hey, big guy. How are you feeling?” Sam reached for his hand, but Luca pulled away and curled up under her chin. Sam’s eyes glistened and he pressed his lips together. “I’m sorry, Luca. I didn’t mean to.”
She felt horrible for both of them.
They all sat silently in the waiting area. She had been instructed to keep Luca awake, but he wasn’t sleeping. He just rested his head against her chest and stared at the wall. Sam was holding her hand, rubbing it intensely. She wanted to pull away, but she knew it would only hurt him worse, so she adjusted it slightly instead.
At the sound of footsteps, everyone looked up.
The woman in front of them wasn’t a doctor. Or at least she wasn’t wearing a white coat. She was wearing black slacks and a pink T-shirt.
“Are you Riley Fisher?” the woman asked as she stepped closer.
“Yes.”
“I’m Danielle Rogers, from Child Services.”
Riley’s hand almost jerked back to her side, but she was able to steady herself long enough to shake the woman’s outstretched hand.
Sam swallowed as he shook her hand as well.
“And you are . . . ?” the woman asked.
“Sam Brooks,” he answered.
“Can I get an ID? Are you the boyfriend? Fiancé? What’s the relationship here?” Danielle sounded all business as she wrote in her tablet.
Sam blinked and looked at Riley for the answer.
“Uh, boyfriend,” she said.
The woman nodded before turning toward Sam. She handed back his license after writing the number down.
“Would you mind giving us a few moments alone? I believe there’s a waiting room down on the first floor. I’ll come get you when we’re finished.”
Sam stood and walked away like a robot.
When he was gone, Danielle started asking more intense questions. Everything from how long she and Sam had been together, to where Luca’s biological father was.
Another fear gripped Riley’s stomach at the questions about Evan. Could this incident hurt her if Evan followed through on his threats to try for custody? It surely wasn’t going to help. She suddenly felt trapped. This had been an innocent mistake. Sam hadn’t meant to hurt Luca, but she knew how it looked. She was shacked up with an ex-marine who suffered from night terrors and PTSD. She knew he didn’t sleep soundly. She should have seen the potential risk. Sam had a PFA on file from his ex-girlfriend. This woman would know that when she ran his license. He would seem dangerous.
No, he was dangerous.
When Danielle was done drilling Riley with questions, she leaned down to Luca with a smile.
“What happened to your lip, Luca?” she asked.
“Sam push me,” he said sadly, and Riley knew it was as bad as it looked. She’d brought a man into her son’s life who had caused him pain. Whether it was intentional or not. She had always promised herself Luca would come first. She’d failed him.
* * *
It felt like forever before the woman showed up in the waiting room. Sam’s mind had been going a mile a minute, trying to come up with some way to excuse his behavior.
Nothing came to him. He’d hurt an innocent little boy, pushed him. Split his lip and thrown him into the wall so hard he’d given him a concussion. Whatever this woman thought of him, Sam felt ten times worse.
She sat beside him and smiled as if she wasn’t there to rip his heart out.
“I finished talking with Luca and Riley, now I’d like to hear what you say.”
Sam blinked. “Whatever they say happened is what happened. They wouldn’t make something up, and neither would I.”
“I’d still like to hear it in your words.”
Sam nodded. “I had a nightmare. I guess Luca came in and tugged at my arm. I defended myself in my dream, but in reality I hurt Luca. I’m not sure if it was just a push or if I hit him. I wasn’t awake. I just know he’s hurt, and it’s my fault.”
“Have you ever had this happen before?” she asked.
“Hurting a kid? No.”
“But the night terrors are common?”
He wanted to say no. Common made it sound like it happened all the time. But they did happen more often than frequently or rarely. He nodded. They were common. Why didn’t he realize he was a danger? He’d already hurt someone while he was sleeping. Why did he think he could do this?
“I had an incident a few years ago. I woke up from a dream and I—” It sounded awful.
He didn’t need to finish. The woman tapped her phone and read it to him. Sometimes technology was a bitch.
“The report says you strangled your girlfriend while you were having a nightmare. She filed a protection from abuse.”
Sam nodded again.
“Have you ever lived with any other children?”
“My niece. When I first got back I stayed with my sister and her daughter until I found a job and got a place of my own.”
“
And you never had a similar incident?”
“She never came in my room. She was eleven at the time.”
“Have you seen anyone—a therapist—about your PTSD?” God, he hated those four letters. It was so much easier to think they were just nightmares. Maybe if he’d taken it more seriously, Luca wouldn’t have a concussion right now.
“Yes.” He nodded. “When I was released from Landstuhl, and I was ordered to three months of therapy after the other incident.”
“You were treated for your injuries in Germany, but did they suggest you get a psych eval when you got back to the States?”
“Suggested? Probably. It wasn’t mandatory. I just wanted to get home. I was in physical therapy for months. By then I thought I was doing better. The dreams weren’t as bad. I thought I was going to be okay. After I hurt Jess I went to my meetings. The therapist signed off.”
“But you’ve been diagnosed with PTSD,” she said, and he couldn’t help but hear the mild accusation in her voice. He nodded. “So you are aware you still have a problem, but you refuse to get treatment.”
When she put it like that, it sounded like negligence on his part. Was it?
“I would have seen a therapist after what happened with Jessica even if I hadn’t been forced by the court. I didn’t continue to go after he signed off because he made it sound like there was nothing that could be done. He didn’t seem all that concerned. He said it was something I would learn to live with. Here I am, trying my best to live with it. And like I said, I thought I was getting better. I felt better.” If there was a way he could have a normal life he would have done whatever it took to make it happen. Didn’t she get that?
“I understand, but unfortunately it doesn’t matter how you feel when a small child is put in danger.”
“What are you saying? I can’t be around Luca until I see another therapist?” He just wanted her to spit it out.
“I’m recommending that, yes.”
“What did Riley say?” he asked, but she didn’t answer his question.
“I suggest you get help, Mr. Brooks. Not just to appease my office, but for your own well-being. I’m sure it’s not fun to talk about, but generally we feel better when we let the demons out so we can deal with them.”
When she was gone, Sam stood and paced in the room until Riley and Luca came down.
“Is he going to be okay?” Sam asked.
“Yes. We can take him home. I’m supposed to monitor him for the next twenty-four hours. His neck is fine.”
“Good.”
Sam leaned down to Luca and held out his hands, expecting another rebuff, but Luca unwound his arms from his mother’s neck and leaned out for Sam to take him.
He kissed the kid’s forehead and closed his eyes.
“I am so sorry, Luca. I didn’t mean to hurt you, okay? I had a bad dream. Do you understand?”
Luca nodded, looking very sleepy. Sam wasn’t sure if he was able to comprehend how horrible Sam felt.
They got him home and in bed. Riley said she would have to wake him up every hour to check on him, and Sam offered to take the first shift. It was the least he could do.
She frowned and bit her bottom lip. Seeing the look in her eyes made his heart shudder. He knew what was coming. He couldn’t blame her. She was doing the right thing. Sam was a potential danger, and a mother’s job—above all else—was to protect her child from danger. He swallowed as he waited for her to end it. End him. “Sam.” It should have made him feel better that it wasn’t easy for her. She couldn’t just cut him out without a care. But nothing could make him feel better at the moment. “I think we need to spend time apart.”
“For how long?” he asked, knowing there wasn’t going to be a magic answer.
“For as long as it takes for us to make sure something like this never happens again.”
“So I won’t sleep over. I can leave after he goes to bed,” Sam suggested an alternative.
She let out a pained sigh, and he knew he’d lost.
“It’s more than that,” she said. “What if Evan tries to use you as a way of getting custody of Luca? What if he hires someone to say you’re unstable and that Luca is being raised in unsafe living conditions? You have a history of this. I can’t take that risk, I’m sorry.”
Sam honestly hadn’t thought of that, but she was right. He was more of a risk to them than he ever knew. He nodded and walked slowly to the door. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? I still want to help,” he said.
“We’re not your responsibility. I can take care of myself and Luca. You need to take care of yourself.”
With a nod he stepped out of the house. He knew she could take care of herself. She didn’t need him. That didn’t mean he didn’t want to help.
“I’m sorry it has to be this way. I really am,” she whispered as tears filled her pretty eyes.
“I’m sorry too.” He kissed her on the forehead and strode off toward his truck.
By the time he got home, he had convinced himself that this was all for the best.
After all, it was only a matter of time before he messed it up. He would have been the bad guy at some point. So it happened now. The decision was out of his hands. This was for the best.
If only he believed it was true.
* * *
Riley had just cried herself to sleep when the alarm went off for her to go wake up Luca again. It was almost seven and she would need to get up soon anyway.
She’d called Anita to tell her what happened. They weren’t sure if Luca was going to be okay to stay with her. When he was sick or hurt he only ever wanted Riley. But they decided to try so she could go to work.
Their little trip to the ER wasn’t going to be cheap, and things were already tight. In addition to emptying her savings to pay for the deductible for her car, Evan hadn’t sent her a dime in the last month. She sighed when she remembered she wasn’t in a good position to make him pay. If she pressed him, she could end up having to defend herself in court. And after the events of the night before, she didn’t know which side the court would come down on.
“Sam? Penguins?” Luca said as soon as he came out of his bedroom. He went straight to the shelf and pulled the movie out. Despite his very adventurous night, he hadn’t forgotten Sam’s promise to watch the movie with him.
“Actually, Sam had to go. So you’re going to Grammy’s today. But you can take the movie along and watch it with her.”
That earned a frown and slumped shoulders. The pout was emphasized by the fat lip, and her chest throbbed with pain.
Luca went to Anita easily after a long hug.
“Momma loves you. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Sam?” he asked and her heart nearly broke in two. She’d stupidly assumed it would be easy to get over Sam. But her son had cared about him too.
“Sam is away,” she told him again as she always did when Sam was on a trip. It appeased him enough for her to get out of the house and in her car before she broke down.
How was she just going to cut Sam out of their lives? It had only been a couple of months, but somehow he’d managed to break down all her walls and become an important part of her and Luca’s lives. She wiped at the tears as she pulled into her parking spot at work.
She was Luca’s mother. A mother’s sole purpose in life was to protect her child from harm. Sam—despite the fact that he didn’t do it intentionally—had harmed her son, and she needed to protect Luca. No matter how much it might also hurt both of them.
“You look like hell,” Pauline noticed right away. Riley had run some concealer under her eyes, but apparently there was no cosmetic tough enough for the challenge.
“I was up most of the night after a trip to the ER. Luca has a concussion and I had to keep waking him.”
“Do you need to go home?” Pauline was always very accommodating when Riley needed to rearrange her schedule. This was why Riley tried not to take advantage.
“No. I’ll be fine. I just need anot
her cup of coffee.” And Sam.
Pauline frowned. Riley probably didn’t seem convincing, but she put a smile on her face and carried on. She couldn’t miss work. She had a little boy to support and she was on her own.
This thought reminded her of the plans she and Sam had made the night before. How he was going to move in and share the burden with her. For a few hours she had some peace, knowing she wasn’t alone.
But then, like always, her world was turned upside down and the weight of it was back on her shoulders.
* * *
Sam sat at his small kitchen table looking at his hands. They were large and calloused from work. But they seemed harmless enough while just resting on the table.
He knew those hands were capable of so much. They could fire a weapon, or tickle a little boy until he laughed so hard he had to run to the bathroom. The night before his hands had stroked Riley’s bare skin as he made love to her, and then a few hours later they had slammed Luca into the wall, ending the stolen bit of happiness Sam never deserved in the first place. His fingers clenched into fists and he brought them down on the surface of the table, making it shake from the force.
He wasn’t angry with Riley for cutting him out of her life. She did what any good mother would do. She’d removed a danger from her home. The efficiency with which she made this removal still stung. So did the emptiness. He glanced at the clock, knowing Riley would be at work. When she’d asked him to leave, he thought it was for the best. But already he knew he needed them.
He spent the morning making a list of therapists in the area, and reading articles about PTSD on the Internet. Regardless of how much he didn’t want to talk about his issues, he knew he would do anything to get Riley and Luca back. As he looked over the list, gathering the courage to make the call, he remembered what he had planned for today, before everything went to hell. He was going to stay with Luca while Riley worked. He’d promised Luca they would watch the penguin movie. Now his day stretched out in front of him. Just bleak nothingness.
He only lasted an hour before he was in his truck. He knocked on the door, not sure if he was doing the right thing. If he thought for one second he was a danger to Luca, he wouldn’t have come. He would keep his distance, and be on alert for anything that could trigger a wild reaction. One of the articles he’d read said he couldn’t close himself off from the world. Finding a way to control his reactions and facing the problem was a step in the right direction. The night before Luca was scared of him. Sam couldn’t get the image out of his mind. Luca recoiling from his touch.
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