by Gord Rollo
Am I in the middle of a quiet war? Is what they’re doing publicly supported genocide? I don’t know. I just know that it’s wrong. There has to be a better way. There just has to be. Maybe someday, someone will find it.
But that day won’t be today.
So I wait, like Peter and the millions of test animals before me, for my death. I should try to talk to them, but I won’t. I won’t do anything.
…Except wait, in silence.
STORY NOTES
This story is one of my earliest publications. It was published in a long defunct E-zine called Sinister Element back around 1999 or so. I set out hoping people would think it was a horror story but then be surprised when I hit them with the twist science fiction ending. At the time I thought I was being quite clever but now that I read it with my more experienced eyes, I should have been a tad more subtle. The tale is a bit heavy handed and preachy, especially at the end, but even with its warts I’ve always liked it. It marked a significant turning point for me when I realized stories could actually be about something other than just blood and gore and that I could write about things that were important to me. For that reason alone, I wanted to include it in this collection.
MEMORIES OF A HAUNTED MAN
Toni knelt in front of her son in the foyer and wrapped the scarf around his neck.
“How come we had to come to Canada, mom?” Robert asked as his clumsy mitten-covered hands pulled his woolly hat down over his ears. “Why couldn’t we have stayed in Tennessee?”
She understood her son’s heartache, but there was no choice. The doctors had only given her father Sam a year, and that was if everything went well. “Honey,” she said with a sad smile. Her complexion was white as the snow on the ground outside their Nova Scotia home, and her curly raven hair was the same shade as the sadness she felt about losing her father. “Robby, Mommy had to come take care of Grampa. He’s really sick. Can you understand?”
Robby nodded his head. “Yeah, I guess. I suppose it’s not all that bad here.”
“That’s the spirit, honey,” Toni smiled. “Besides, we’re not looking after Grampa all by ourselves. Aunt Pam is gonna help us out.”
“That’s good. Why isn’t Uncle Dave here with Aunt Pam?”
“Now, Robert, mommy told you we don’t want to bother Aunt Pam with that right now. Be glad she’s offered to help.”
Pam’s relationship had gone south years ago, but Dave and her had stayed together for a couple years just to make sure it was dead. Toni’s older sister—as dear as she was to her nephew—had a gift for solitude and loneliness. With Dave gone that meant husband number three was no more, and it wasn’t that she didn’t try. She had always been a loner. As far back as Toni could remember, the only person Pam had ever had a relationship with besides herself was their father. And soon that would be ending.
“Okay, I won’t say anything. Promise.”
Robby’s eyes dropped to the floor, and his chin began to quiver. Sensing his distress, Toni hugged him. “What’s wrong, big guy?” she asked gently.
“Is Grampa going to die while I’m at Stan’s house?”
She felt her son’s pain and shook her head reassuringly. It took everything she had to keep from breaking down herself. She couldn’t understand why this was all dragging on, why Robby had to suffer watching his grandfather decay into nothing. “He won’t die while you’re away, but remember what mommy told you, okay? If Grampa does die it won’t be sad because he’ll be up in heaven. We’ll miss him terribly, but he’ll be in a far better place.”
The boy practically clubbed himself in the face with his mitten as he wiped his tears away.
***
When Toni walked into the kitchen, she was wiping her puffy tear-stained eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said to her sister seated at the table. She was trying hard to keep her mixed emotions in check, part of her wanting to laugh, part ready to burst into sobs. “This whole thing has been so hard on Robby.”
“I know,” Pam sympathized. “It’s been hard on all of us.”
Pam had the same black hair as Toni only it was cut in a bob and streaked with a hint of gray. Their father’s suffering had marked a turning point in their relationship. The four-year difference in age no longer meant anything, their considerably different lives having been suddenly thrust together. Seeing Toni in such bad shape tore at Pam’s heart; she wanted to say something, do anything to help, but she felt numb.
Pam let go of her warm coffee cup and leaned forward onto her arms, wrapped in the warmth of her blue polar fleece. “I was able to rent the house down the street. With Dave out of the picture, I can finally put my attention on dad where it belongs.” Pam continued after another sip, “We can take turns watching Robby and caring for dad.”
Toni smoothed her hands down her brown sweater and the front of her green pants. Then she sniffled as she walked over to the coffee pot on the counter and poured herself a cup.
“I didn’t mean for you to give up your life, too,” she said as she sat down. “Dad lived with you for so long after mom died. It’s my turn to take care of him.”
“We can’t look at it that way, Toni.” Pam reached out and clutched her sister’s hand. The lump in her throat was difficult to speak around. “Besides, I have to do this. He means everything to me…you know that! Daddy sacrificed everything for us when we were growing up. He and momma didn’t even have a honeymoon because he was working two jobs and doing carpentry work on the side just to keep a roof over our heads. How do you repay that?” Tears streamed down her cheeks. “How do you say thanks to a man for giving up his life for you? How do you thank him when he doesn’t even know who you are anymore?” She shook her head in regret. “I should have come sooner.”
Toni squeezed her sister’s hands. “I’m just glad you’re here now.” She wiped tears from her eyes. “I didn’t know mom and dad didn’t have a Honeymoon. I knew they’d suffered a lot for having us before they were married, but I didn’t realize just how much they’d suffered. That’s so sad!”
Pam nodded, breaking down as her face fell into her hands. “Family’s all you have in the end.”
Hearing her father’s favorite words brought a wave of sorrow crashing down on Toni, making her feel empty, longing to somehow turn back the hands of time so she could thank her father for everything he’s ever done for her. Pam must have been troubled with similar thoughts. “He worked himself half to death so I could waste his money at the University of Kansas and have nothing to show for it.” Pam’s regret mounted and she bawled like a child. “He never said a word…not one, just told me to hang in there; I’d find my niche someday. God, what a fool I was! I wasted all that money, all those years, bumming around from one useless man to the next, getting married, getting divorced, getting so depressed I wouldn’t leave my bed for two weeks, then starting the same stupid cycle over and over again. I must have been crazy. Hell, I was crazy for a while there! I got so damn caught up in my own miserable problems, I forgot all about the only man who ever really loved me for who I was…dad! I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
Leaning forward awkwardly over the coffee cups on the table, Toni hugged her sister, providing comfort as best she could. Grieving over lost time and regrets had become so difficult for them both.
“You’re too hard on yourself, sis. You’ve always been too hard on yourself. Those battles with depression weren’t your fault. You were sick…and you did the right thing by getting some help. No one blames you for that, so give yourself a break. You were there for dad when mom died, right? I’m sure he knows how much you love him.”
“What did Dr. Moore have to say?” Pam quickly changed the subject, speaking through tears, not wanting to dredge up any more bad memories.
Pulling away from her sister’s lessening embrace, Toni wiped her eyes. “His mental status has declined.” She sniffed to clear her nose. “I can even see it here. Half the time he doesn’t even know who I am.”
“Is he still tal
king about Grandmother?” Pam was eager for her sister’s response.
“It’s gotten worse.” Toni was uneasy. She didn’t like how intently her sister was hanging on her words. “Forget it. I don’t want you getting worked up about things we can’t change.”
“Tell me,” Pam insisted.
“He’s gone past talking about the abuse. Now he acts out angrily, fights with her.” Toni shook her head ruefully. “I think he’s reliving all the abuse he suffered.”
Pam gritted her teeth. “It makes me sick to think such a good man is left with such horrible memories, all he has left! All because of his goddamn cruel mother!” A strange hardness came to the lonely woman’s features—as if one emotion turned off and another turned on. “Do you know what she did to him?”
All Toni could muster was a shake of her head.
“She used to lock him in the closet when he didn’t work in the fields as long as his brothers. And how could he, he was smaller than all of them? For a fucking year she made him sleep in the basement just because she didn’t think he was worth as much as the other boys. She even beat him when she thought he ate more than his fair share.”
Pam drank deeply from her mug then with a voice just barely above a whisper, coldly said, “I wish he would have killed her.”
“There’s nothing we can do about it, Pam. What’s done is done.” Toni was afraid of the intensity in her sister’s voice, but she didn’t say anything. Pam being as close to their father as she was, she sometimes got worked up and a little carried away. Best to simply allow her to let off some steam.
“What about the gun?” Pam asked.
Toni didn’t like this line of dark questioning her sister was taking her down, but she answered. “He doesn’t threaten suicide anymore, if that’s what you mean? His mind is too far gone now. Honestly, I don’t think he’s capable of thinking it through anymore.” She sipped her coffee. “He has no reasoning left, Pam. He’s all emotion, nothing but hate for Doris.”
“Hell, can you blame him?” Pam asked, seething with anger.
Toni watched the way Pam was grasping her coffee mug – knuckles whitening from her grip, hands literally shaking with rage – and silently wondering if her sister had stopped taking her depression medicine again. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time, but now didn’t seem like an appropriate time to bring it up. Besides, Pam was a big girl, and could take care of herself, so instead of instigating a potentially embarrassing conflict, Toni decided to just carry on with their talk.
“He picks up the gun,” Toni continued shakily, “and screams like he’s talking to her about how he wants to kill her and how he’s not worthless.” Exhausted from the morning’s emotional output, her eyes were dry and painful. All Toni could do was let her head flop forward into her hand. “He pulls the trigger dozens of times before he puts the gun down. I usually just leave it in his room. I mean, there are no bullets in the house, and it’s the only thing that gives him peace.”
Pam stood up. “I’m going to do it, Toni.”
“Absolutely not,” Toni snapped, “it’s insane.” She stood up to look her sister in the eyes.
“He’s our father,” Pam exclaimed, “and the best damn man I’ve ever known. If it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to let him leave this world happy, not stuck in a fuckin’ continuous nightmare of dementia!”
“Listen to yourself,” Toni pleaded. “This is crazy. I won’t let you do it.”
Pam responded slowly. Her eyes said it all. She was going to do it. Her father’s lessons of loyalty had found a pupil in Pam’s heart, and it was family above herself –above all! “Don’t stop me, Toni. Money’s not a problem, and it’s not like I have any kids to worry about. It doesn’t matter what happens to me if I do it. At least Dad will finally get the peace he deserves.”
Toni sighed. “How can you think like this, Pam?”
“Because I can’t stand to see him suffering anymore. Don’t you get it? He deserves better than what fate holds in the cards for him…a hell of a lot better, Toni, and I’m willing to do anything it takes…anything to end his suffering! For Christ sakes, he’s earned it!” She embraced her sister warmly. “I’m going to do it, whether you support me or not.”
Toni knew it was true, all of it. She even agreed with her sister, but the thought of what Pam had in mind was so painful, all she could do was nod her head and weep. The two sisters embraced, searched for, and finally found understanding, or as near as they were ever going to get. Resolve and the certainty of an honorable ending for an honorable man passed silently between them.
God help us! Toni silently prayed.
***
Toni opened the front door to see Pam wrapped in her down parka, hood thrown up and arms tight around her chest. She shook the snow off her boots, walked into the house. Her skin tingled as the warmth thawed her.
“Mommy, Mommy, are we going to the store with Aunt Pam?”
Toni smiled and knelt to enwrap Robby with a hug, “No honey, just you and I are going today. Aunt Pam has to stay here and…and…” She didn’t know what to say. Pam stepped in to help out, but her hastily chosen words chilled Toni right to the bone.
“…And take care of Grampa.”
“Oh God, Pam! Why don’t we reconsider…” Toni started to say, but Pam knelt down beside her nephew, interrupted her sister’s plea.
“What are you and Mommy going to buy, Robby?” she asked the boy.
“A new sled,” Robby said, so excited he was bouncing up and down, pulling on his mother’s arm. “Highland Toys has got the new Red Rocket Turbo Racer hanging in the front window. It looks like the fastest sled ever made!”
“Wow, sounds like a beauty. You and your mom better get going then, before someone else buys it first.”
Pam pulled Robby in close and hugged him tightly. An internal war waged brutally inside her. Upstairs the man who had sacrificed so that she could have a life lay dying in bed. The time in which she could actually do something for him was fading fast, and in her arms was one of the few treasures she’d ever had in her lonely, messed up life. She hoped Toni realized how lucky she was to have a family of her own. Her eyes brimmed with tears.
“Why are you crying, Aunt Pam?” the young boy asked.
“No reason. One day you’ll understand the kind of crazy things grown ups sometimes do, but I hope you never have to make such choices.” Pam knew he didn’t understand her, but she felt she had to say something. Then the perfect words came to her. “Remember big guy, family is all you have in the end! Now I want you to do what your Mother tells you to, okay?”
“Okay,” Robby said.
Toni clapped her hands trying to fake a good mood. “Head on out to the car, Sweetie. I’ll be right there.” After he thunderously stomped his way out the house, the sisters were alone.
Pam hugged Toni firmly. “Thanks, kid. Don’t worry about anything. Everything is going to be just fine.”
“Are you sure?” Toni asked.
“Positive. Get going.”
Toni kissed her sister on the cheek and hurried out the door before she completely lost her nerve and broke down sobbing.
***
Pam looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, rage burning within her as she thought about her grandmother Doris. It was because of her that her father was tortured in these final weeks of his life. Doris Petigo was in hell screaming steadily if a God existed, and the satisfaction of justice brought a smile to Pam’s face.
Withdrawing the revolver from her dress pocket, she looked in the cylinder: six bullets. She tucked the pistol back in her pocket and hurried down the hall to the closed bedroom door. Without a sound, she pushed it open. She crept to the nightstand, the gun held only inches away from her beloved father’s temple as he slept on, oblivious to his daughter’s presence. Pam could have ended his suffering right then and there, just pulled the trigger and been done with it, but if she did he’d die without ever knowing the happiness and contentment she’d
vowed to give to him. Instead, Pam took a deep breath to steel her nerves, and placed the gun down on the nightstand within her father’s reach.
“Wake up you lazy bastard!” she shouted.
Sam opened his eyes, looked up. Fear clutched his heart. “Oh God…it’s you! I’m not lazy, mom,” Sam said. “I’m just resting from all the work I’ve done in the field.” Her cold eyes drilled into him. “I’ll be back at it after supper…promise.”
Underneath, Pam’s heart was breaking, but she reached out and slapped him. “Good for nothing waste,” Pam’s voice quivered and tears stained her cheeks, “I wish you would have died at birth!” Even though merely part of the act, her words stung her to the soul.
“I’m sorry, mom.” Sam sat up. “I’ll do better.”
Why wasn’t he getting angry? Pam didn’t know how long she could keep the facade up. She had had no inkling of an understanding of just how difficult it would be to carry this off.
Sam started to weep. “I wish I could do better, but I’m just a bad boy.”
No Dad! she thought, you’re not bad, don’t you understand! We love you, everything you ever did was for us. Do it, daddy, please. I want you to have this. I want to give you a billionth of what you’ve given Toni and me.
Sam began to breathe heavily. “I try Goddamn it! I always try my best, but you’re never satisfied!”
That’s it dad…get angry!
“My whole life you’ve treated me like dirt, momma, and it’s not fair. Not fair, I tell you! Who the hell are you to call me worthless? I hate you! I’ve always hated you!” Sam screamed, shaking with rage.
All of a sudden, the whole thing seemed cruel, but Pam forced herself to continue. It was now or never. There was no way she could go through all this again.