“What?” I ask, resting my beer down.
“It’s Mom.” He scratches his head. “She’s awake.”
I can’t catch Ross’s eye as he exits the room. He completely ignores me, walking down the stark white hallway, unfocused and in some kind of daze like he’s lost or…my stomach starts to churn and I bolt up from the chair, legs tingling as I make my way toward the room.
The second I step inside, I breathe a sigh of relief. Mom is sitting up, Doctor Chambers holding a cup of water and straw in front of her. She smiles when she sees me and I feel like I can’t breathe when I get a closer look at those familiar brown eyes. Rowan whispers something to her, kisses her on the forehead and then excuses himself.
The way she closes her eyes, for just a moment, when he kisses her, her gaze following him the entire way out the door causes something to shift inside me.
“Lucas,” she says, when she finally focuses on me again.
I swallow the thickness in my throat as she reaches for me, her arm barely extending across the bed. I pull the chair closer. Taking her hand, I clench my teeth when she squeezes it.
“Do you know how much I love you?”
I want to respond, but I can’t. Something’s captured my voice and all I can do is stare at her, my heart thumping away so wildly in my chest it continues to steal my breath. So I just nod.
“And I know you love me too.” She squeezes my hand again. “I was worried I’d ruined that forever. But you’ve been here. All this time. Haven’t you?”
I nod again, feeling like I’ve suddenly been transported back to 1980, a little boy snuggled in his mamma’s bed. But looking at her is proof that eighteen years have passed. Eighteen long years of anger, resentment and loss. I guess I shouldn’t have expected her to look even remotely like I remember. But for some reason, I imaged her waking up and looking just like she used to—fresh-faced and beautiful, that dark wavy hair, those deep brown eyes. At least the smile is there.
“Thank you boys for coming. I’m so grateful. For everything, Lucas. I mean that.”
“It was no problem.”
She laughs lightly and it doesn’t sound like her. More like the rustling of wind through leaves than the sound of bells I remember. “If only that were true. If only you and your brother never had any problems. Ever. But it’s not true. Is it? Life’s been a shit storm.”
She’s right of course. But I don’t need to confirm it. Not now. Not at a time like this. “Why’d Ross walk out of here looking like that?” I can’t get the look on his face out of my mind. My brother is nothing if not constantly happy. Smiling about everything, seeing the good in absolutely everything. He’s the upper, I’m the downer.
“Your brother’s just having trouble coming to terms with all this.”
“All of what?” I hold onto my breath as though it’ll some how stop her from saying what I really wish she wouldn’t.
“I’m not going through with the procedure. I talked it over with Rowan…and your brother. I think it’s just time for me to let go.”
“But you’re fine. If you just let him operate…” My voice cracks when Mom squeezes my hand again. “I did this for you, Mom. All of this. I fought Dad. I fixed it. You don’t have to give up.”
“I’m not giving up, sweetheart. I’m giving in.”
I close my eyes and pull my hand away. All feeling has returned to my legs and I rise to my feet, walking to the edge of the hospital bed. “You can’t do this to me.” I pace back and forth, clenching my fists at my sides. “You can’t just leave again.”
“Lucas.”
“Mom, you can’t. Not after all this time. I can’t go through something like this again. Not so soon. I barely…” I push out a forceful breath and rub my forehead trying my hardest to massage out the horrible memories, the very reason I haven’t stepped foot in a place like this in so many years.
“I know what you’ve been through. And I wouldn’t ever want to hurt you but, sweetheart, I’ve lived. I’ve even loved some of it. I still do, but I can’t keep hold on just to have to do it all over again.”
“But the procedure—”
“It’s not guaranteed. Nothing is. Except for…” She sighs and I finally find my way back to her side. “I just want to enjoy the time I have left. With you. With your brother. With Rowan.”
“How much time?” I ask.
Mom’s frail shoulders move up to her ears and back. “It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Just to be awake right now, to be looking at your handsome face again, staring into those pretty eyes, is enough. It’s far better than dreaming about it.”
“Rowan really wants to save you,” I say. “He did everything he could.”
“And he understands why I’m saying no. He understands that I’m grateful, but that I’m ready. At least we had a few good years together.”
I sit back in my seat. “Why Dad and not him?” It’s a question I’ve been wondering all this time. Especially considering the life she had with Dad, the guy he is and the man Rowan is. “Why would anyone in their right mind choose, Dad?”
“You sound like my grandmother.” Mom laughs. “Because he was exciting and different. A city boy to show this country girl just how much better life could be.”
“You never said you were from Montana.”
She nods. “I left when I was still a girl. And after all this time, I’d go back if I could. I think I’d like to be buried there.”
My stomach drops, but I nod offering her a reassuring smile. “In Ekalaka?”
She raises an eyebrow, her brown eyes shining.
“Doctor Chambers—Rowan told me.” I smile. “Everything.”
“Yes. In Ekalaka.”
“I’ll make sure of it.”
She clears her throat. “Lucas?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you be sure to do something else for me?”
“What’s that, Mom?”
“I want you to get married to a really pretty girl. And I want the two of you to have lots of babies. And I want you to take those babies to Montana every summer. Can you do that?”
I laugh. “That’s quite the request.”
“It is. But I’m serious. I want you to fall in love and live your life as happy as I have been for the past five years. I want you to find your Rowan.”
“I hear what you’re saying, Mom.”
“But?” She lets out a soft little moan, but when I perk up searching her face, she waves me off. “But?” she asks again.
I sigh, rubbing my forehead again. “I guess I think it’s all just a little overrated.”
“Love?” She frowns and gestures toward the cup of water.
I hold it in front of her while she takes a small sip. She lays her head back against the pillow and peers up at me. “Why would you say a thing like that?”
“Because it fucks people up. Look at Ross, living out in Seattle heart-broken and working like a dog.”
She laughs. “Your brother’s just biding his time. I’d recognize that look anywhere. And Little Miss Sheila, she’s got it bad. They’ll find their way back. Real love always does.” She lets out a happy sigh, but her words do little to quell my argument.
“And Rowan.” I say quietly. “You spend all your life pining after someone just to lose them once you get them? Doesn’t seem right.” Mom closes her eyes, the lines around them instantly smoothing. “And look at you,” I say. “Dad…he—”
Her eyes flutter open. “Your father’s not the man I thought he was. It happens.”
“Seems like all falling in love does to a person is break them straight in half. You’re either a big old sap willing to do anything or a broken-hearted fool, left to pick up the pieces. Either way you aren’t whole.”
“You mean you.” She smiles faintly and takes my hand again. “You think love broke you?”
“I know it did.”
“Well,” she continues, stroking my hand. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe it does turn you into to one of thos
e things, but as far as I’m concerned it’s still worth it. There was a time when I thought your father was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I was happy. Maybe not for long, but I was. Then there’s Rowan.” Her smile brightens. “You and I haven’t seen much of each other these past few years, sweetheart, but you should know that without Rowan I might have been broken into more than two pieces. I’d probably have been shattered. He was there for me when no one else was. He believed in me. Forgave me. For five years he’s been the person I could count on. Still is.”
I nod, grimacing at her words. Replaying the last few years of shutting her out time and time again in my head. Just so I could punish her. Just so I could get my revenge. Just like Dad.
“I don’t blame you for what you did.” She grips my hand tighter. “I wasn’t there for you the way I should have been. That’s my fault. I couldn’t have expected you to react any other way. But, Lucas, don’t you dare give up. Do you hear me? Love didn’t break you, sweetheart. If anything, it taught you a lesson. How to take a chance. To hang on as tight as you possibly can because you have no idea when it’ll be snatched from you. Don’t let what you went through take the chance of finding that kind of love again away. Love may be able to break you, but it can heal you too. You know, just because you’re damaged doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed.”
“I loved her so much, Mom.” I drop my forehead onto the edge of the mattress doing my best to hold in a threatening sob. “So much. And now she’s gone.”
“I know, sweetie. I know.” She strokes my hair and for the first time in a long time, I feel like we’re back where we used to be. Too little too damn late. “You’ll find it again. The person who makes you smile with just a thought, the one who has your back no matter what. Her touch will light up your world, her kiss make you crave more. We don’t only have to fall once you know. What kind of world would this be if there were no second chances when it came to love? You’ll get your second chance, Lucas. Just like I got mine.”
Even after she drifts off to sleep, I can’t bring myself to leave her side. I just sit there watching her, wishing there was a way I could erase every bad thing that’s happened to either one of us. I’ve fallen into a light sleep of my own when her soft voice and a delicate squeeze of my arm rouses me.
“What happened to my sweet little boy?”
I sit up rubbing the grogginess from my eyes. “I don’t know, Mom,” I reply, quietly. She’s staring at me with big, round sad eyes and it cuts me so deep, I feel it in my gut. “I guess I just grew up and realized life wasn’t a cake-walk.”
She chuckles and then lets out a raspy sigh. “I can never tell you how sorry I truly am for what I did to you, Lucas. I sat in that cell for years hoping to see you or your brother and I eventually gave up. Realized I had no right to expect a thing from either of you. When I got a visit from Sharon Carlson that summer, when she told me about you and Shannon and my grandson, I was so happy. I thought ‘at least he’s moved on. At least he’s happy’. But when I heard about her passing and you going to jail. The way your little family was ripped apart. It felt like I was being punished for my stupidity all over again—selfish as that sounds. It was like watching history repeat itself.”
“I messed up.”
“I messed up. Your father and I and I’ll never forgive myself for it.” She shakes her head slightly. “I could slap Sharon for keeping those kids from you.”
“It was my decision, Mom.”
“When you were scared and grieving. What about now?”
“Now it’s a decision I have to live with. And if I’m being honest they’re right. I can’t float in and out of their lives, especially when I don’t have my shit together.”
She grips my arm a little tighter this time. “So get it together, Lucas. Get back to the man I know you can be. You were always so smart, full of life. You had all these plans but for the past few years, I’ve watched you fade into a ghost of that person. Granted I know it didn’t all happen at once, but it’s happened. And it isn’t right.”
“I tried, Mom.” I rub my forehead. “I really did. But it didn’t work out.”
“In Lewiston.”
“What?”
“It didn’t work out in Lewiston. Trust me when I say I know what heavy burdens and a family history can do to a person in a small town. Maybe what you need is a change of pace. Why not go to Seattle with your brother? He could use help at that studio. You could go back to school.”
“I tried that too. All I got was a pile of rejection letters for my efforts.”
“So try again. A different school. A different city.”
I smile, my heart turning over at the realization that she’s being exactly what I’ve been missing for the last half of my life. A mother. A meddling, try-to-fix-everything parent. “You’re dying,” I say. “I can’t just leave now.”
“But you’ll think about it, right? When I’m gone?”
When I’m gone? Her apathetic tone when she says those words kicks me hard and I actually flinch. “I…guess.”
“And you’ll take that pretty girl with you.”
I force a laugh. “I guess.”
She closes her eyes and just when I think she’s drifted off again she says, “How’s Little Miss Rose?”
“Coco?”
Her eyes flutter open and she smiles.
“She’s, uh, she’s fine.”
“From what I’ve heard, she’s better than fine. I guess Crystal’s prediction was right all along. You two would make a lovely pair. Once you figure it all out that is.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Coco
I glance around the club hoping for any sign of him, between the smoky atmosphere and the huge crowd, I can’t place Dash anywhere. I told him I’d see him here, that I’d promised the entire night to my best friend.
“I still can’t believe you forgave him,” Sheila says. “After everything.”
“He didn’t know.”
“I’m not talking about his nasty sex disease, I’m talking about you going to what might possibly be the most important doctor’s appointment of your life and him not being there to support you due to a fucking party. I’m not sure I could ever forgive Ross for that.”
I smirk. Put a few drinks in this girl and she’s no longer the reserved mom of two. She’s instantly the Sheila Carlson I remember.
“First of all, we all know Ross wouldn’t do that. He’s too nice a guy and second of all, we all know you’d forgive Ross for just about anything. And the same goes for him. Why else would he agree to wait for you.”
She clasps a palm on each cheek hiding the obvious blush. “He’s not really going to wait, Coco. I could never ask him to do that.”
“Have you seen the way he looks at you? He’s absolutely going to wait. Even if he’s miserable doing it.”
“This isn’t about me. This is about you. What was his excuse this time?”
“What?”
“Dash. Why didn’t he call you while he was in Seattle?”
I groan, wishing she’d just drop the subject already. “It was a cheap motel room. The phone was broken. And before you say the excuse is lame, I know he was telling the truth, because I tried to call him and the front desk clerk told me so herself. I even asked him when he got home, just to test him and he told me the same story.”
“So he couldn’t find a pay phone?”
“He was busy and apparently in that area of town a lot of them are busted.”
“Sure whatever. But no matter what you say, I still don’t believe he’s the one sending those roses. I’ve just never known him to be that thoughtful of a guy.”
I sigh, placing my hand on hers. “I know you mean well, Sheila. But the Dash you went on tour with all those years ago and the Dash I’m with now isn’t the same guy. He’s changed.”
“Apparently, a lot of us have.”
There’s a knowing smile on her lips and I nudge her. “What?”
She nods towa
rd the stage and that’s when I see him. Luke is dressed in blue jeans, a black t-shirt and a leather jacket and I can’t help the sudden swirling in my stomach. He pulls a stool center stage, signaling to the sound guy.
I let out a sharp breath, when he nods my way. I haven’t been in the same room as him since the kiss. And he looks incredible. His face is completely shaven, his hair actually in some kind of style and he won’t stop smiling in my direction. I can see his gray eyes flashing from here and even though I’m dying to talk to him, dying to give him a smile just as bright, I offer a tight one instead and focus my attention back on my best friend.
“What his doing here?”
Sheila rolls her eyes. “He owns half the club. Didn’t think you’d mind.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I whisper, the murmur in the room dying down.
“It means my best friends been keeping secrets from me. Juicy ones.”
My mouth drops open and I turn to stare at her. “You…?”
“What? Did you think I’d be mad? In case you didn’t know, I’m very much over Luke Black. And even if it’s a little weird that he was married to my sister, it’s not that weird. It’s been six years. He was bound to move on eventually. Who better with than my best friend?”
“Luke and I are just friends,” I blurt out.
“Friends who lock lips on dark porches?”
“How on earth could you know that? How could anyone?”
Sheila giggles, then rubs my arm. “Apparently Ross bore witness.”
I cover my face with my hands. “Please tell me you’re the only one who knows. He didn’t tell Cole, did he?”
She shrugs.
“Look, the kiss was a mistake. We’ve already decided. We talked about it and…we’re cool.” I glance back up at him and quickly away before we can make eye contact. “I can’t get caught up with that tonight. If Dash sees us together he’ll start getting ideas again and I just want things to go back to normal.”
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