Elijah looked at Nikki with big eyes. ‘Are you OK?’ he asked. He put a hand on her arm and Nikki gathered him up and pressed him to her, trying to squeeze away the pain in her breasts.
‘I’m OK,’ she breathed into his hair, the Nike tick long grown out. ‘I’m just tired after yesterday.’ She pushed Elijah gently away. ‘I think Aunty Chanel poured me a little too much wine.’
Obi laughed and Elijah grinned. She couldn’t be pregnant. She couldn’t go through losing a baby again. And she couldn’t risk upsetting Elijah. Things were too good.
After they left, she let the quiet of the house fold around her for a few minutes before putting on her boots and coat and leaving, almost running all the way to the chemist. She nearly slipped on the frozen ground a number of times. She grabbed a pregnancy test, then another. She knew them all, the tests, but still new brands had appeared since she’d last had to use one. Her heart was thumping as she paid, and she felt like a teenager. Get a grip, she told herself. I’m a grown woman, a mother. And anyway, this won’t be positive. It can’t be.
She let herself into the house and ran upstairs, opening the wrapping of the test and pulling down her clothes before peeing on the stick as she’d done hundreds of times before.
She pulled up her knickers, trousers, washed her hands, paced the bathroom and counted out loud. ‘One hundred and seven, one hundred and eight.’ She counted to five hundred, not because she needed to, but because she couldn’t bear to look.
But eventually she stopped, took a big breath, and glanced over at the test on the side of the sink:
Pregnant 8–9
Eight to nine weeks! How was it possible? She looked in the mirror. Her face looked worried, terrified. But inside her head, despite everything, was an image of her holding a baby.
*
Over the next month, Obi came home later and later, his face drawn and his jaw tight. He relaxed around Elijah, but when they were on their own he sighed and told her about the three sisters whose case he was managing, who would surely be deported. They had lived in the U.K. for six years. Nikki had decided not to tell Obi yet. She’d lost all her babies except Ify at eleven weeks and the chances were she’d lose this one too. She hated keeping secrets from him, but it was for the right reasons. It was her fault she was in this situation, and she didn’t want Obi suffering too. He was under so much stress.
Nikki found herself googling her syndrome, treatment plans for pregnancy, outcomes. She went to the doctor, saw the specialist and began taking aspirin every day instead of her contraception. It was probably too late, she told herself, but she had to try. The doctors told her that she should’ve been taking the aspirin regularly, but it looked very hopeful. She wouldn’t let herself believe them. Doctors were often wrong. They had scheduled her in for another check-up, when they said they would know for certain.
She tried to carry on as normal and not think about it, pushing thoughts of being pregnant away every time they entered her head. But keeping a secret from Obi made her wake up at night in a cold sweat, her heart thumping. It was only while she watched his steady breathing, his strong chest rising up and down, that she’d finally relax. Then, as she began to fall asleep again, she would feel something inside her, the tiniest hope that this time would be different. During the days, she focused on loving Elijah. That was easy.
*
The first time he said it, they were in the park on a bright February day, the first clear day after four days’ rain, and Elijah was running fast, then stopped suddenly and ran back. ‘Look at me!’
She and Obi were walking along a muddy path in their wellies, and Elijah, in his trainers, was covered in mud. It looked lovely to her, him covered in mud.
‘Let him be muddy,’ said Nikki, laughing at Obi’s concerned face. ‘Boys are meant to be muddy.’
‘There’s muddy and there’s muddy,’ he said. Elijah ran back towards them. ‘And you are like a mud king. A mud monster from the swamp of mud, from a deep land where the earth is made of nothing but thick, thick mud …’ Obi ran towards Elijah, his own boots squelching in the mud.
Elijah squealed and ran, but Obi was quicker. He caught Elijah and swung him around by his arms, both of them laughing and laughing.
As Nikki watched them – her husband, her son – she felt something stirring inside her that she’d never felt before. A sense that anything was possible.
She’d tell him, she promised herself; she’d tell Obi next weekend, after her appointment. She’d explain that it might work this time, that it had to work this time. They would need to be strong enough to help Elijah cope. She knew they could do it.
Elijah turned again. ‘Look at me! Look at me, Mum!’
Mum!
Nikki’s insides flooded with happiness. She looked at Obi and smiled and his outline seemed to glow, and everything became clear and bright until it was as if the sun was shining right through his body. Everything would work out. A family. Mum. Mother of two children. Nikki let the feeling sink deep inside her.
TWENTY-ONE
Nikki applied her lipstick, looking at her reflection in the mirror. Time’s up, Nik, she said silently to her own eyes. Time’s up and you need to tell him. She finished her makeup, sprayed some perfume behind her ears and turned towards Chanel.
‘Right; you’ve got both our numbers, and I’ve stuck the number of the restaurant and the number of the G.P. and Daddy’s number on the fridge.’
‘Chill out, will you?’ Chanel had walked across the street in her pyjamas and dressing gown. ‘I couldn’t be bothered to get dressed at all today,’ she said.
Jasmin rolled her eyes. ‘So embarrassing.’
Elijah giggled.
‘You look really nice,’ Chanel told Nikki. She’d put on a black dress and high heels, and twisted her hair up in a knot. Chanel looked at Nikki’s waist. Nikki dropped her arms in front of herself. She was starting to thicken around the middle – only a tiny bit, but her sister noticed everything about weight. Chanel frowned. ‘You are –’ she paused, looking up at Nikki’s eyes – ‘glowing.’
Nikki glanced away quickly, and tried not to blush. She looked in the mirror and fiddled with her hair, but she sensed Chanel behind her, staring.
‘Wow!’ Obi walked into the bedroom. ‘Hi, Chanel. Thanks for babysitting.’
‘That’s OK. I won’t see them all evening. Apparently they’re developing their secret code in Elijah’s room.’
Obi laughed. ‘Are you ready?’
‘Oh, she’s ready,’ said Chanel. ‘You have a lovely evening.’ She smiled at Nikki. ‘I’m sure it’ll be interesting.’
‘Er, OK then,’ said Obi. ‘I’ll just go and say goodbye to Elijah.’
He disappeared out of the room and left them facing each other. ‘What the fuck?’ Chanel hissed. ‘When were you going to tell me?’
‘What are you talking about?’ said Nikki. She tried to keep her voice neutral but it waved up and down.
‘Come on. I’ve been your sister forever; I know what you’re hiding. Why put yourself through that again? I thought that was the whole point of adopting!’
Nikki pushed past Chanel. ‘Don’t you dare say anything,’ she whispered. Then she held her sister’s gaze. ‘Please.’
Chanel sighed. ‘Look, I’m just worried, that’s all. I don’t want you losing another baby; look what you went through. And how would Elijah feel about it? He’s only just settled.’
‘Are you ready?’ Obi shouted from across the hallway.
‘Yes; I’ll be down in a sec,’ Nikki hugged Chanel quickly. ‘Please. Please don’t say anything. Not to anyone. I’m going to tell Obi tonight but I don’t want Elijah to know. Not yet.’
Chanel hugged Nikki back. Then she put her hand on Nikki’s stomach. ‘I won’t say anything,’ she said.
*
The restaurant was chosen by Obi, so was French and stylish, with small tables and candles everywhere, a menu written only in French and bored-looking waiting sta
ff. Nikki had wanted to go to the new, fun-looking Mexican restaurant that served cocktails in fishbowls, but, since she wasn’t drinking anyway, she’d let Obi choose. How different they were! Still, at least she looked the part. Not a wellington boot in sight. Obi chose a bottle of red and ordered. Nikki let him pour the wine, but she sipped a tiny amount only and hoped he wouldn’t notice until she’d told him. Not that a glass would make any difference, but the metal taste still filled her mouth and she didn’t feel like drinking anything except water. He hadn’t noticed that she wasn’t drinking tea or coffee, but Obi was working long hours. Nikki was still not back at work. Now, with the possibility of a baby, the chance of working seemed further and further away. But she didn’t seem to mind. She had the strangest sense that everything would turn out well. She remembered how she’d worried about Elijah so much, and how well things had turned out. This would be the same.
The starters came and went. Obi talked and occasionally lifted Nikki’s hand from the table and kissed it.
‘This is lovely, to get some time on our own. Now Elijah’s really settled, we should do this more often.’
Obi looked handsome in the candlelight, his features strong, his skin so soft. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Thank you for being such a great mum. I knew he was meant to be ours.’
‘You were right,’ said Nikki. ‘You were so sure.’ She smiled, but her hand was shaking. ‘I have something to tell you; something else.’
Obi looked up. ‘What do you mean?’
She paused, let the moment breathe. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she whispered.
Obi was silent and Nikki thought for a second or two that he was taking the moment in, like she was. But then his face changed. ‘What do you mean? How?’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘I know – I had the same reaction – I couldn’t believe it either. All the things we were told …’ Something about Obi’s face made her stop talking. ‘I know it’s a shock, Obi, but I never meant this to happen – I didn’t even think it was possible.’
‘Pregnant? What do you mean? How pregnant?’ His voice became tighter. ‘And you want to … We need to think about this.’ His eyes were flicking up to her face then down to her lap. ‘Have you thought about how risky this is? How Elijah will be affected?’
Nikki closed her eyes. How would Elijah react to a brother or sister? Or – worse – how would Elijah react to losing a brother or sister? She’d kept telling herself that they would be strong enough to help him cope with it, but suddenly all Nikki could see was Elijah’s face. She snapped her eyes open. She remembered Ricardo’s words about how Elijah would find any further losses extremely difficult, and how, at best, a birth sibling would affect his attachment and, at worst, he could be dangerous, abusive even, towards a younger child.
‘I can’t believe it’s true.’ Obi’s voice was breaking.
‘It’s true,’ whispered Nikki. ‘I’m three months already.’
The waiter came towards them with a small pad. ‘Shall I tell you about the desserts?’ he asked.
Obi looked up. ‘No,’ he said, and then looked straight back at Nikki. The waiter walked backwards, then turned away.
‘That was rude.’
Obi sighed. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘We need to talk about this; think carefully how we handle things.’
‘I’ve only known for sure for a month. It’ll be all right,’ she said. ‘I just know it. This time I won’t lose it.’ She felt tears sting her eyes. ‘I’m taking the right medication and the specialist said I could carry to term. You remember what they said: an eighty per cent chance, when on medication.’
‘I thought you were on the pill!’
‘My head’s been all over the place, Obi. I guess I just missed a few. I didn’t think it was that important – I only took them, really, to regulate my periods. I didn’t think this was possible. When Elijah was settling in, I forgot to take them a couple of times. But they told me, Obi, they told me it was almost impossible …’
‘Oh, Nikki,’ said Obi, his breathing slowing down. ‘What about Elijah? What about our talking, living, breathing son who needs us, who we have a duty to protect? Remember what Ricardo told us. It’s best for him to be an only child – that, if we want to think about having a baby of our own, to wait, to leave a significant gap. Years, Nikki; years and years, not months. There’s a reason they tell us these things, Nik. And we could still lose this baby. There’s still a twenty per cent chance of that. How do you think Elijah will cope with that? Why didn’t you tell me you missed the pill? Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you found out?’
Obi closed his eyes. Nikki wanted him to pick up her hand again and kiss it. But his arms were folded across his chest.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wanted this baby,’ said Nikki, her voice breaking. ‘I didn’t tell you because I assumed I’d lose it. And anyway, exactly what could I do? Have an abortion? After spending my entire adult life losing so many babies?’ She watched Obi’s eyes. ‘I want this baby,’ she said.
Obi looked away, then snapped his head back towards her. ‘I can’t believe you’ve done this. Lied to me. I can’t believe you would do this to our son. The doctors didn’t say it was impossible. They said it would be very hard, almost impossible, which is very different, Nik. How could you miss your pill? Why would you think it wasn’t important?’
Nikki shut her eyes. She didn’t want to see Obi’s face changing.
‘Elijah’s stability is in our hands and you didn’t tell me when you missed a pill – didn’t think to take extra precautions? What’s Ricardo going to say? He thinks this is impossible.’
‘You were there when I talked to Ricardo. We both talked to him—’
‘Yes, I was there. “Nearly impossible” and the contraceptive pill equals impossible. But you’ve lied to me.’
Nikki opened her eyes. She wanted to crawl underneath the table and cover her ears. Instead, she reached across and tried to put her hand on top of Obi’s, but he snatched his hand away, shaking the table so the glasses rattled.
When they got home, Elijah and Jasmin were asleep and Chanel was reading a magazine. ‘How was your dinner?’ she asked. Her eyes narrowed.
‘Fine,’ said Nikki.
Obi walked through to the kitchen.
Chanel blinked quickly. ‘OK, well, I’m just going to get Jasmin.’ She laughed. ‘I could hear her still talking, long after Elijah was quiet. I’m sure she chats even in her sleep.’
Chanel walked upstairs and Nikki followed. Nikki peered through the open bedroom doorway to see Jasmin curled around Elijah, her arm protectively draped over his shoulders. ‘How was it?’ hissed Chanel.
‘Awful.’
Chanel put her hand on Nikki’s cheek and pressed softly. ‘We’ll talk tomorrow.’
She woke Jasmin and half-carried her down the stairs, with Nikki following.
Chanel kissed Nikki on the cheek and smiled at Obi. ‘See you tomorrow.’
‘Thanks,’ said Obi. Nikki let Chanel out and shut the door behind her.
When she went back into the kitchen, Obi was standing up.
‘I’m going to bed,’ he said.
*
The following day, he seemed even more distant. When Elijah was having a bath, he came and sat next to her in the kitchen. ‘We need to speak to Ricardo,’ he said. ‘But my feeling is that we don’t tell Elijah right away. Not for another few weeks, at least. We need to get our own heads around this. If we tell him, then lose the baby, that’s another loss for him to deal with.’ Obi put his head into his hands. ‘Oh, God, and we’ll have to tell Dad.’ He looked up. ‘Does Chanel know?’
Nikki nodded. ‘She guessed last night.’
‘You need to make sure, absolutely sure, that she doesn’t tell Jasmin. OK?’
Nikki nodded. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’ve felt so awful keeping something from you – seeing the doctors and panicking then hoping, or beginning to hope, but I had good, good reason. I didn’t want you to suffer
any more, the same way you didn’t want me to. But the doctors all said the same thing – especially now I’m over the twelve-week mark. They said it is perfectly possible that I’ll carry to term. And I’m sorry about the timing and all the worry about how Elijah will handle it, and most of all for keeping it from you. But it wouldn’t have changed anything.’
‘I would never have kept such a secret from you. Not ever,’ said Obi, and he stood up and left the room without even kissing her cheek.
*
Ricardo was silent for a while on the other end of the telephone when she told him. ‘And have you discussed this? Made any concrete decisions yet?’
Nikki held her breath and closed her eyes. ‘Ricardo, I can’t have an abortion. I’ve wanted a baby all my life. We’re keeping the baby. The doctors say there’s no reason I shouldn’t carry to term.’
Ricardo sighed. ‘But there’s no guarantee.’
‘There’s never a guarantee,’ said Nikki.
‘Well then, congratulations.’ He sighed again. ‘I’ll have a chat with colleagues but this will need handling sensitively. My advice is to not tell Elijah yet – not until you’re showing. But then you should involve him in every way: take him to the scans and everything. If he feels part of this, there’s a better chance that he’ll cope with the arrival of a sibling. I don’t want to scare you unnecessarily but, in our experience, children with Elijah’s traumatic background can be seriously affected by something like this. It will need open and honest communication. Let him know you have a condition, that there’s a small chance the baby might not make it.’ He paused. ‘You should prepare him for the possibility of a loss, even if it’s a small chance. He has to be prepared, Nikki, either way, and of course I hope the doctors are right, that you have this baby, but, either way, it’s going to be hard on Elijah.’
*
Elijah had gone to Jasmin’s house and Daddy was sitting at their table as Obi told him the news. Nikki closed her eyes. She couldn’t take any more negative reactions.
There was quiet for a long time, then Daddy slowly got up from the table, came round the other side and hugged Nikki’s back.
Where Women are Kings Page 16