My Future Ex-Girlfriend

by Jake Gerhardt

  At MacFadden’s I felt different. Whenever I’m in this spectacular shop, I am like the proverbial kid in the candy store. It’s as if I’ve traveled in a time machine to better days, days when men took pride in what they wore, days when men used a walking cane (I’d love to use one of those to straighten out Ralph Waldo), days when teachers dressed better than in running sneakers and blue jeans. Days, in short, when people cared.

  I took my time admiring the bow ties, though I knew in my mind what I wanted to wear. As student council president, of course, I should wear Penn Valley’s colors, and my eyes instantly fell upon a gorgeous blue-and-gold bow tie. It was perfect for NYC Nites.30

  After we paid for the bow tie and had it wrapped, I told my parents I’d like to stroll around the bookstore. They were more than eager to abandon me to shop. They actually like the mall.

  “We’ll meet you at the bookstore, say, in an hour,” Cassandra said.

  They were off, holding hands like high-school sweethearts. Pathetic!

  On my way to the bookstore, I heard voices and laughter to my left. I stopped and saw Sam Dolan and Erica Dickerson across the arcade. I watched them from afar, even hiding behind an advertisement31 so they wouldn’t see me.

  They were having so much fun it was infectious, and they made all the people around them smile. Chollie Muller and Miranda Mullaly were not far behind, in a similar state of glee.–

  Was the world going mad?

  I’d never experienced an emotional roller coaster quite like this. Part of me wanted to have Knuckles and Moose break up their fun. Another part of me wanted to tell the security guard to escort them off the premises for disturbing the peace with their incessant laughter. And still another part of me knew it was pure envy. I knew deep down in my heart my feelings were childish.

  I walked to the bookstore, rather quickly lest my classmates see me. I felt relieved to be among the stacks, and it was almost refreshing to be alone.

  I don’t know what it was that attracted me to the children’s section of the bookstore. I hadn’t been there since, well, I suppose since I was a child. When you’re reading Dickens at the age of nine, there isn’t much in the YA, middle grade, or picture book section that appeals.

  But there I was, surrounded by thousands of titles many of my classmates couldn’t put down. I decided, what the heck, maybe I’ll grab a couple to just see what all the fuss is about.

  On my way to the checkout counter, I bumped into, of all people, Sharon Dolan.

  At first I tried to escape behind a bookshelf, but Sharon greeted me.

  “Hi, Duke,” she said.

  “Good day, Sharon,” I said. “What do you have there?”

  She held up a copy of Sense and Sensibility.

  “Is that for you?”

  “My old copy has actually fallen apart,” she said.

  “I didn’t know you were a fan of Austen,” I said.

  “Duke, I read for pleasure, not to tell people what I have read.”

  What a profound statement.

  “What do you have there?” she asked.

  “Oh, nothing,” I said, putting the book under my arm.

  “Duke, let me see,” she said.

  I was silent as she took the book from me.

  She looked at me with curiosity, as if I’d just said something she didn’t comprehend. I think at that moment she knew me, Duke Vanderbilt Samagura, better than I knew myself.

  “The Giver,” she said. She held the book in her delicate hands and looked up at me. She looked directly into my eyes. And her eyes sparkled. Slowly a knowing smile came across her face.

  “Oh, Duke,” she said. “Poor Duke.”

  I stood there, unable to move, alone, more alone than I had ever felt in my life. Even with Sharon in front of me, smiling and holding the book, nodding as if a mystery had been solved. She wasn’t angry, thankfully, just a bit curious.

  I was so filled with emotion I wasn’t sure if I was going to laugh or cry.

  Finally I made a noise. Laughter?

  “What’s so funny?” Sharon asked.

  “I am,” I answered. “But you already know that.”

  SAM

  I’m confused. I mean, I am seriously confused.

  Erica doesn’t say anything to anyone at school about breaking up with me. I know this because Foxxy would be talking about it. And you sure can bet Lichtensteiner would say something about it.

  So it has been a really strange and quiet week. I feel like an invisible man and no one even asks me where I’ve been when I don’t show up for NYC Nites planning meetings.

  And then on Friday night I get a phone call. I’m in my room when my mom tells me the phone is for me.

  “Hello?” I say.

  “Hi, Sam. It’s Erica.”

  “Oh, hi, Erica,” I say. My heart starts racing. Is she calling to tell me she has reconsidered dumping me?

  “What are you doing tomorrow?” she asks.

  “Saturday?”

  “Yes,” she laughs. “What are you doing tomorrow, Saturday?”

  “Nothing . . .”

  “Want to go to the mall with me? I have an idea for NYC Nites.”

  “I guess,” I say. It’s all happening so fast I don’t know what to think.

  “Great. I’ll meet you there tomorrow at noon. At the food court, okay?”

  “Is Foxxy going to be there?”

  “Not unless you invite him,” she says.

  “Perfect. I’ll see you there.”

  So we meet in the food court. I’m a little surprised to see Chollie and Miranda there with Erica. We all say hi and all that, then Chollie and I get slices of pizza while Erica and Miranda slurp down these huge coffee drinks that look like they’re almost all whipped cream. Then Erica tells us about her idea.

  “What we’re going to do today is get some material for the talent show. We’re going to ask some random people if they have any special talents. And we’ll videotape them and play it at NYC Nites, just in case we have some extra time.”

  “I still don’t get it,” I say.

  “Let’s take you as an example, okay?”

  She pulls out her smartphone and hands it to Miranda. Miranda starts videoing Erica as she speaks into the camera.

  “We’re here at the Penn Valley Mall in search of special talents that Penn Valley residents are hiding from us. Here we have a young man who appears to be especially talented at devouring pizza.”

  The camera is on me, and my mouth is full of pizza.

  “Excuse me, sir. But we have been watching you eat this pizza and we are amazed. How did you learn to eat pizza like this?”

  I’m going to lose it. I start laughing and just can’t help it. I put my hand out to cover the camera because I am seconds away from spitting out all the half-chewed pizza in my mouth. Finally I get the pizza down and drink some soda and catch my breath.

  “We thought we were going to lose you there,” Miranda says.

  I laugh again. I can’t even talk, I’m laughing so hard.

  “Are we ready to get some material?” Erica asks.

  This is a great idea. Isn’t Erica hilarious?

  She takes the lead and I’m amazed at how many people stop and chat with her. Erica just has a special way about her. We meet a guy who can stop a fan with his tongue (gross but funny) and a lady who can play a song by Bach with her toes on the mall piano. After a couple of hours, we have tons of material and I don’t know if I’ve honestly ever had more fun.

  I’m still bummed that Erica isn’t my girlfriend, but I’m certainly glad she’s my friend.

  CHOLLIE

  Miranda asks me if I want to go to the mall with her on Saturday so she can get some things for NYC Nites. I’m not sure what this means, and I don’t say anything to Billy. But it doesn’t seem
like Miranda would ask me to go to the mall with her just so she could dump me, does it?

  I meet up with Miranda and Erica and Sam in the food court, and Erica tells us her idea of filming funny interviews for the talent stage. We go along with Sam and Erica and have fun, but then Miranda and I head to all the stores to try to get gift certificates and things like that, as prizes for the show.

  Asking for free stuff is hard, but Miranda is incredibly persistent.

  After hitting just about every store, Miranda and I plop down on a bench to rest.

  “Thanks, Charlie,” she says.

  “For what?” I ask.

  “For being here. I really needed this.”

  “Sure,” I say.

  “My father told me what you did at the baseball game.”

  I think about the game. This might sound crazy, but I feel better about it now than when it happened. I really wanted to hit a home run, but winning as a team was just as important. And it’s so much better thinking about the game and knowing Miranda is interested.

  “Didn’t you want to knock him in?” she asks.

  “Of course,” I say. “But we just needed that one run and Coach wanted me to do that, so that’s what you do, for the team.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” she says. “I was just so embarrassed about what happened in the auditorium.”

  Miranda has tears in her eyes when she says this.

  “It’s okay, really, it’s all right.”

  She nods and puts her head on my shoulder.

  “I have to admit, though, I really wanted to hit a home run,” I say, laughing.

  “You’re a good guy, Charlie. Most guys wouldn’t even admit that,” she says.

  “You mean like your ex-boyfriend?” I say.

  She takes her head off my shoulder and looks me in the eyes.

  “You don’t have to worry about any ex-boyfriends, Charlie.”

  She puts her head back on my shoulder.

  Suddenly I get a great idea.

  “Let’s go see a movie,” I say.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Just the two of us. Like a real date. Maybe that French one is still playing.”

  “Yeah,” Miranda says. “Let’s do it.”

  Of course I have no idea what they’re saying and when I read the subtitles I don’t really know who is saying what, but still. It’s fun. The music sounds pretty and the flowers are pretty and the French girl and boy certainly seem to be having fun and I’m so happy sharing my popcorn and soda with Miranda.

  Since it’s so cold in the theater, it’s only natural to put my arm over Miranda’s shoulders. And even though my arm falls asleep, there’s no way in the world I’m moving it.

  About halfway through the movie the boy and girl run off in a field of daffodils and fall into the flowers and have a real nice kiss. And not a gross one but a good one. If a kiss can say something, then that kiss was saying it’s the first of many.

  Miranda giggles a little bit and I look at her and she’s still smiling. It feels great knowing that I make her happy, it really does. And that’s when I lean over and kiss her on the cheek and she kisses me back and everything is perfect except for my arm, which I can’t move on account of its falling asleep. But it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

  And when the popcorn falls on the floor, we both laugh. Billy was totally right about this film.

  16

  The Best Nite Ever!

  SAM

  I’m not overexaggerating when I say that Erica Dickerson could leave Penn Valley this second and go to New York and get a job writing for Saturday Night Live. In fact, when I get a free minute, I might write to Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling and tell them how talented Erica is.

  And does she ever rock at NYC Nites.

  But let me start at the beginning. When I walk into the lobby at school, I have to rub my eyes. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Although I’ve never been to an art gallery in New York City before, this has got to be exactly how it looks. The lobby is very bright and spotlights are shining on the paintings. I can’t believe it. I really can’t believe it.

  And then I think I must be dreaming when I see Foxxy dressed in a blazer and some kind of scarf and a weird hat. This is the guy who is usually wearing dirty and ripped clothes with food stains.

  Foxxy looks pretty serious, too, directing people on ladders to move the lights around. And there’s a group of girls following him, telling him what a good artist he is. Wow. I mean, wow! I really want to see what all this is about, but I’m just a bit too nervous about emceeing, so I sneak down the side hallway to get to the backstage area of the auditorium.

  For the first time, I begin to think we might be able to pull it off. Still, I’m so nervous about everything. I’ve never, ever, ever felt this way before. My mouth is so dry that I’m just downing bottles of water and then rushing off to the bathroom.

  “Slow down there, Skippy,” Erica says as I’m chugging about my seventeenth bottle of water.

  I look at Erica, but I can’t say anything.

  “Are you nervous?”

  I nod.

  “We’ll be all right. Trust me.”

  She hands me the call sheet, which is a list of all the acts that will be going up. I still can’t believe it. I don’t know how Erica did it, but she did. We have enough entertainment for a whole weekend, we really do.

  Erica and I have some time to kill, since the art gallery and food station are first. We run through the call sheet and review our backup plans in case there’s a problem. We also work with Richard Dansky, who’s going to show the mall interview video we put together.

  Before we know it, we’re on. We only show one thing from the mall, which just happens to be me with pizza stuffed in my mouth. The crowd loves it, they absolutely love it.

  From there it just takes off:

  Sharon really nails a tap-dancing routine with Ralph Waldo. I heard she and Duke broke up, which is probably why they didn’t do anything together. I can’t say I’m not relieved. Duke is the worst!

  Mr. Minkin, believe it or not, grabs the microphone and does a stand-up routine that I just can’t believe. Who thought he had it in him. Here’s just a sample of his jokes:

  Mr. Minkin: The hardest thing about teaching is grading. I mean, it’s really a lot of work. But then you have a kid like Foxxy. Every teacher gives him an A. There’s no way a teacher is going to take the chance of having him for another year.

  (I laugh pretty loud into my microphone.)

  Mr. Minkin: What are you laughing at, Dolan? Why do you think you passed all your classes?

  Boy, does that ever get the crowd going. And I don’t even mind that he’s ripping on me.

  Next thing I know, Lichtensteiner’s got the mic and is telling a story about the first day of school for many of us. He gets the whole crowd laughing when he tells about when he first met Duke Samagura and how Duke was upset because the library was closed. And how he gave Chollie Muller two detentions because he was late from playing football before school. And then he get the crowd roaring when he tells how he first met me and Foxxy when we couldn’t stop laughing in Ms. Aguilar’s class.

  Then it hits me. This sounds exactly like what I wrote in Freewriting for Mr. Minkin’s class. I look over at Mr. Minkin (who is laughing like crazy, by the way) and when Mr. Minkin sees me, he gives me a huge sly wink.

  Can you believe that?!

  But the best part of the night, at least for me, is being on the stage with Erica. She’s such a natural. I seriously don’t think I could do it, ever, without her. Emceeing together hurts less than I thought it would. I mean, my heart is broken and I wish Erica and I could get that feeling back, but it’s okay, because I know she’s my friend. And I’d rather be her friend than nothing at all.

  CHOLLIE

  It�
��s funny, but until I really got to know Miranda I thought the whole world revolved around sports. Don’t get me wrong, I still love sports and will try out for every team in high school, but Miranda just opens up my eyes to a whole new world.

  As soon as Miranda and I get to NYC Nites, I just can’t believe we were upset about not having the dance and the class trip. You can just feel this is way better than anything else because we all worked together to make something pretty amazing happen.

  “This is awesome, Miranda. You did it,” I say.

  “We did it. Everyone helped. There are just a lot of procrastinators at Penn Valley, so it took a bit of time to put it all together.”

  She’s got a big smile on her face, but I can tell she’s still a little embarrassed about what happened at the student council meeting.

  “You know, Miranda,” I say, “that day when you went off on everyone, that really sparked the fire we needed.”

  “I don’t think we need to revisit that episode,” she says, but she’s still smiling.

  We have the best time watching all the acts on the talent stage. I had no idea Ralph Waldo could tap-dance, or that Terri McCool could juggle, or that Holly Culver could do magic. We really have a lot of talent at Penn Valley. Even the teachers are talented.

  Halfway through the show Erica and Sam call up Miranda, and she announces that we raised more than five hundred dollars for the Penn Valley Vegetarian Society. Pretty cool, right?

  After Miranda gets off the stage, we look at each other. And our eyes, when they meet, say so much. I don’t know if she can see it, but my eyes say I couldn’t have done it without her and I think she’s the best thing in the whole wide world. I’m pretty sure her eyes say she’s happy, and that’s about all I need to know.

  Miranda and I head over to the photo booth. I want to make sure I remember this night forever.

  DUKE

  The wonder of life is that we are continually learning.