Otis’ gravest fear was that they might walk into a trap on arrival at Gamma VI. Once ensconced within whatever quarters were available, they would be easy prey, and the Heir’s normal complement of Protectors was not available to defend her. It could be just the few of them if such an event ever came to pass.
Chapter Twenty: Ellie’s Black Hole
Though the work was never-ending, their escape from the squadron tracking them heightened everyone’s outlook on the voyage, and the ship was a happier place. Ellie changed during those months. For the first time in her life she had friends who had not the slightest care in the world about her position within the Empire or her wealth or her family. She had found friends who liked her for herself. She and Reba became fast friends in spite of the limited time they had together, confiding in each other like schoolgirls whenever they were alone. On the net, Jake seemed like a favorite brother, someone who accepted her but was not afraid to question and teach. He understood her fully and respected who she was, and he loved her for herself.
Ellie and Mike, whether plugged-in, stealing a brief respite from alternating watches, or working out together, existed on two levels, oftentimes simultaneously. One level included Reba, Jake, Otis, Alexis and Mildred; the other level included only themselves. Eye contact was frequent and significant, touches lingered, hugs survived the crew’s scrutiny, and only they felt like their feelings were invisible to the rest of the crew.
Reba cornered Mike in the lounge as he came off a particularly frustrating watch, slamming a tray of food down before him and setting a place for herself, as well. “Okay, Mister Carver,” she announced. “We need to talk.”
“What?” he stammered, his thoughts elsewhere and caught totally off guard by her threatening body language. “So I missed the jump entry point. It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last.”
“You can do it over again tomorrow. That’s not what I’m talking about. You’re a typical male, as near as I can tell. I just want to wake you up to the fact that your princess has a fragile side to her that you might not be aware of. Do you have the slightest idea what you’re doing to her?”
“What are you talking about? We’re friends, good friends. That’s all we can be. We’re aliens, Reba. I like her, alien or not, and I like liking her. I know you do, too.”
“That’s why we’re having this conversation. I like her a lot. I don’t care who she is or was or what she will do in the future or whether her civilization survives or not. I like her.” Reba looked at him in exasperation. “Look, I’m not blind, nor is Jake. We talk on the net, you know.” She paused, remembering where she’d come from and amazed at what she had just said.
“Be careful, Mike. Your princess tries to come across as stronger than granite, but she has a fragile side. Have you seen it?”
“I have. Ever since she came into the net, she’s had to hide a dark hole in herself. I don’t know what’s in there, but it’s something she protects. I don’t think she’s even aware she’s doing it.”
“Well, hallelujah! A man with feelings. Too bad you’re taken!”
“What do you mean, taken?”
“Have you looked for that black hole she’s been protecting lately?”
“No, I guess I’m just used to it. Besides, I’ve been busy, or hadn’t you noticed?”
“You’ve been busy in more ways than one. Next time you run into your princess on the net, check out that black hole. I’m not sure it’s there anymore.”
Chapter Twenty-one: The Man of Dirt
The months churned by. Shipboard routine, though demanding, became monotonous. Each jump led to another, and not every jump went according to plan. Mike flogged himself to keep going, and they did keep going, but instead of getting better, he began making mistakes. When two jumps in a row went awry, Ellie went to Jake while they were both in the net.
“What’s going on?” she asked him in private.
“I don’t know. There’s not much about him I don’t know, but when the problem is something he doesn’t know himself, I’m at a loss.”
“Is he tired?”
“Not physically. I help with that when necessary. He’s not focused.”
“Is the stress getting to him?”
Jake considered. “I don’t think that’s it. He actually likes working under stress and meeting deadlines. It’s something a lot deeper than that. I just can’t put my finger on it. It’s like he’s uncomfortable with his life or something. Things aren’t fitting the way he needs them to fit.”
“Is it me?”
Jake put a virtual arm around Ellie’s shoulders. “Definitely not. If anything, he’s clinging to your friendship like a lifeline, and he’s driving himself to keep from letting you down.”
“I’d like to help, but I can’t help him with the jump calculations.”
“You have other talents, My Lady. Perhaps you can find a way to use them if he doesn’t figure it out on his own, but unless you can offer meaningful help, I suggest you let him be. I have confidence in him that he’ll work it out.”
“I’ll think on it, Jake.”
She did think on it, deeply. Mike had done everything he possibly could to help her and the rest of the crew, but so far it had mostly been a one-way street. The crew rarely found ways to help him that showed, and maybe that was the problem. She considered her own resources. She had Talents, she had intelligence, and she was a problem-solver. How could she use those resources to help him?
In the end, she decided they needed to talk. She came on duty early and joined the net, waiting until he completed the jump he was working on. As soon as the jump ended, she was ready. Jake waited silently by her side.
“Are you done?”
“Almost. I have to see if we came out where I hoped we would come out.”
“Can you take a break?”
He sighed. “Sure! What’s up? Is there a problem?”
“Yes.” She approached the virtual Mike Carver and put her arms around his neck. She had his full attention.
“Uh, what’s the problem?”
“You’re the problem.”
“Me? I’m fine.”
She let a hand caress his face. “Something’s bothering you, Mike. I don’t know what it is, nor does Jake. Do you?”
“I’m fine. Let me get back to work.”
“You’re not fine. You’re having to drive yourself to get anything done, and your performance is slipping. Jake and I both see it. Why?”
Mike squirmed. “This stuff isn’t easy, you know.”
“It’s difficult and demanding. It needs you at your best. We need you at your best, but you’re not there, Michael. What’s the matter?”
He knew she was right. His performance was slipping, but he didn’t have a clue what the problem was. All he knew was that he wasn’t having fun anymore. He closed his eyes for a moment, then just left the net.
Ellie joined him moments later. She took his hand and led him to the lounge. No one was minding the ship, but they were in deep space and there was little risk of discovery. She sat him down on the couch, then sat beside him.
“Can you talk to me?” she asked.
He smiled. “If there’s one bright spot in all of this, it’s you. I won’t let you down. I’ll work through whatever it is that’s bothering me.”
She smiled in return. “Thank you, Michael. Can I be Daughter for a little while?”
He frowned. “Why?”
“Because I want to help, that’s why. And because Daughter and Ellie both need you at your best. You’re struggling, and Daughter might be able to help.”
He rubbed fists into tired eyes. >Did you put her up to this?< he asked Jake.
>No, but now that she’s noticed, I’m relieved. I thought it was just me that was worried. You’re not your usual self.<
He blinked, then turned his attention back to Ellie. “Look, we’re all under a lot of stress here. Isn’t it fair that my performance suffers?”
“Jake
tells me you thrive on stress.”
“Not this level of stress. Look at it from my point of view. We’re basically lost in space, we’re at war, none of us is right for our jobs, I’m still adjusting to having Jake on board, and who knows what’s waiting for us on the other end of all this?”
“Jake and I both know that’s not the problem. You’ve dealt successfully with everything that’s been thrown at you, and there’s no reason to believe you won’t continue to do so. They’re just problems, Mike, and you work through problems. I suspect we’re dealing with something a little more fundamental. Is it me?”
He closed his eyes. When he opened them, he put his arm around her shoulder and leaned toward her. “I shouldn’t be saying this, but you’re the one bright spot in all this. Maybe I’m just worried about it all coming to an end. All I know is that I’m not having fun anymore, and that scares me.”
She closed her eyes, savoring his words, then gently pulled away. She was Daughter now, and she had a problem to solve. She would not let her feelings interfere. “Why does it scare you?” she asked softly.
He looked away from her guiltily. “Because I’ve seen it before in others. It’s called burn-out, but there’s no way I can be burned-out. We’ve only been at this for six months or so, and the challenge is still there.”
She considered his words. “Take me out of the equation for a moment, and take out your concerns for the future. If you can, forget for the moment that we’re even on Resolve. If you could have anything you wanted, what would you like most right now?”
He studied her, sensing her insistence. He leaned back in the couch, wondering what it was that he most wanted. Ellie had asked him to forget her and to forget the ship. That only left home, so he let his thoughts return to the life he’d known back home.
Ellie waited in silence. What she observed was Mike leaning back in the couch with his eyes closed. After a time, though, she saw him lean forward with a blissful look on his face, his eyes still closed. She saw him reach out with both hands, those hands cupping something only he could see. Then his fingers spread apart slightly, as if he was allowing something to trickle through those fingers. Entranced, she watched as a beautiful smile spread across his face. He opened his eyes and just stared ahead, seeing something entirely within his own thoughts.
“What is it, Mike?” she asked softly.
“Uh, Jake wants to meet with you on the net,” he answered absently.
“Later, Jake. Talk to me, Michael. What was in your hands?”
He turned eyes to her that now knew what was missing in his life. His smile remained, but he seemed a little embarrassed. “Dirt.”
“Dirt?” she asked, pulling away from him, a lump suddenly filling her throat.
“Yes, dirt.” He closed his eyes again, reliving the moment. “If I could have anything I wanted at this moment, I would like to feel brown, sandy dirt trickling through my fingers.”
Ellie stared at him, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. “The man of dirt,” she breathed. “I wondered, but I wasn’t certain. Krys was right all along, so right about everything.”
Mike opened his eyes and stared a question at her. She reached out and touched his face, her hand trembling. “You are the man of dirt,” she breathed.
“What are you talking about?”
“Your presence was foretold in a vision,” she answered absently, her eyes still filled with awe.
“What?”
She blinked, then seemed to come back into herself. “A vision, Michael. Some years ago, a Seer, very young and uncertain of herself, shared a vision with me. She claimed to have had a vision of Otis lying beside me in the dirt at the foot of a boarding ramp. Another Great Cat lay beside him, though she believed it was dead. Otis was shooting at something out in the dark. What he shot at she could not see.”
“Surely you jest.”
“I have never been more serious in my life, Michael. Words accompanied the vision, the words of a riddle. ‘You will be so much more and have so much less. They will best you, but a man of dirt will come to your aid.’ It has all come true,” she said, shaking her head in wonder.
He had no response to her words. He just stared at her, his eyes blinking from time to time.
Ellie took his hand, looking at it as if she’d never seen it before, feeling its hardened roughness and sensing the grains of sand that, in his mind, it had held. So filled was she with awe that she had no words.
She took his hand and kissed it, then looked into his eyes. “There’s more. At the time, the Seer was uncertain of the word ‘dirt.’ The word she received with the vision was Earth, but none of us knew what the word meant. She said a man of Earth would come to my aid, but she felt that the better description was a man of dirt. We have wondered about it all these years, and now a man of Earth has come to my aid, but I see now that he is a man of dirt, as well.”
>Jake, what’s a Seer?<
>I thought they existed only in legend. I have never known of one, nor did Wooldroo or his father. According to legend, a Seer is a person gifted with the ability to see things in the future. Daughter’s words surprise me as much as they surprise you.<
A cold feeling settled over him, and he shivered. Could the future be proscribed, he wondered? Was everyone in existence marching down a predetermined path, a path that could be foreseen? It was the realm of God, not people, to know such things. He suddenly felt small.
“Such an ability would not be a gift,” he said softly. “It’s a frightful thing. This galaxy of ours seems to be filled with strange things.”
“The galaxy is a large place, Michael. The law of large numbers dictates that strange things are going to occur, and they do. The existence of the Chosen is one of them. The presence of a Seer is a truly rare thing. I hope you get to meet her one day.”
“I envision an old crone, bent over with arthritis and leaning on a cane. She has a long, black cloak and a black, pointy hat.”
Ellie smiled. “She’s still a child, only twenty-nine years old. For the moment, though, you are the issue, not her or her vision. You have a need. You wish to feel dirt running through your fingers.”
She sat back in the couch with narrowed eyes, suddenly reminded that this man was truly alien to her. She couldn’t imagine a less appealing sensation, yet to him it was something fundamentally missing from his existence here on the ship. She didn’t understand his need, but she understood its lack. This was an area where her Talents might be a help.
She stood up to pace as she considered. She wanted to help him, she needed to help him, but she didn’t understand. Would he let her try to understand?
She returned to the couch, sitting very close to him. “I have never used my Talents in this manner, but I would like to understand your need. Will you let me into your mind? Will you let me find understanding?”
He cringed away from her. “You want to use your eye thing on me again? You said you wouldn’t.”
“I said I wouldn’t without your permission. I ask this not as Daughter, but as your friend. I would like to know all that I can about my friend, Michael Carver. The need you have is so alien to me that I do not understand it, and I would like to understand. Will you teach me as a friend?”
“What you do is not friendly.”
“It can be, Michael. We’ve been mind-linked on the net, something the Chosen have never done. You know me well. You know me as a friend. Do you still fear me?”
That caused him to pause. He did not fear this woman, not in the least, but he did fear her Touch. It was a truly alien thing, yet it was part of the woman he was coming to love.
Love. He said the word again to himself, tasting it even as he fled from the very idea. She was an alien, and he had no right to love her, yet he did. There had been no physical intimacy between them and there never could be, but he loved this woman. Yes, they had been mind-linked on the net, and he knew her for who she was. In that way, at least, they had shared intimate moments. What she now
asked of him was a very different form of intimacy. Her touch only worked one-way. They would not be sharing. He would be giving, and giving of himself completely. Did friends do that?
True friends might. Friendship implied a two-way relationship, one in which both gave and received. He would receive nothing from Ellie’s touch, though on second thought he just might. He might receive her understanding, and he deeply wanted her to understand this fundamental need of his, this need to feel dirt trickling through his fingers. If he let her in, would she find it?
“How good are you at this Touch thing?”
“Pretty good, though I have never used it in this manner.”
“You might hate me afterwards.”
“I cannot hate you, Michael Carver. That I know as surely as I have ever known anything. In all of my Testings, I have learned that each of us, no matter how wonderful and perfect we try to be, has a dark side. In this, I am no different. I do not seek your dark side, Michael, and I will not seek your dark side. I seek only to understand this essential need of yours. And I will see the bright side of you, of that I am certain. May I? I ask this as one who has the Touch, but more important, I ask this as your friend.”
>Jake?<
>She’s already identified your problem, Mike. We both know what it is.<
>I need to get off this ship. I need to feel the ground under me again, any ground.<
>Just knowing that might be sufficient.<
>It is sufficient, Jake. I know it won’t happen immediately, but just looking forward to it gives me a better perspective. I feel energized again, just knowing what’s been bugging me.<
>Then it’s not necessary to proceed with her Touch. However, know this, as well. As Chosen, she has a reputation for finding creative resolutions. It’s what she’s good at. You might be surprised.<
>It’s a big price to pay for a maybe.<
>Agreed. Consider this, too: she needs you to need her. What better gift can you give to one you love than to fulfill her need?<
Last of the Chosen (Spirit of Empire, Book One) Page 22