I slept most of the days away. Grief, exhaustion, and I think probably the pregnancy left me extremely lethargic and feeling ultravulnerable. I was mad at myself for it, too. I wasn’t this girl. I was the girl who managed not to lose it while my father was murdered. I was the girl who hid from the mob and had enough guts to put Perry Crone in prison. I gave up my entire life and went into witness protection.
More recently, I was the woman who emptied an entire clip into a man who’d terrified me for weeks.
I was most definitely not the girl who cried at the drop of a hat, got sick at the mere sight of food, and chose to sleep away life because it was easier than living it.
Renshaw Mattison did not give up his life for yours so you could squander it this way.
The scolding thought made me jolt up into a sitting position. Blankets fell down to my waist, and Charlie looked up, his tail wagging.
Automatically, I reached for one giant, fluffy Charlie ear and scratched. He made a groaning sound that elicited a half smile to form on my lips. “Everything is such a mess,” I told him.
He licked my hand, then nudged it for more scratches.
I obliged and stared off across the room. Alex absolutely insisted on me taking the bedroom. I told him to stuff that idea.
He backed down because I started crying (again, who was I?)—until I fell asleep on the couch, and he carried me back here and put me in bed.
The jerk face.
I hadn’t argued again because it was easier to hide in the mountain of pillows and blankets at the back of his cabin and not speak to anyone at all.
I’d heard the phone ring a few times. The first couple times, I’d lay against the mattress with bated breath, expecting Alex to come in and say Liam wanted to speak with me.
He never came.
Eventually, when I heard the phone or the door, I didn’t even hope.
The familiar feel of my stomach about to toss up everything inside it sent me rushing toward the bathroom. My knees hit the tile, and my body was already heaving. Nothing came up, and the sheer attempt to vomit made me hurt.
When I was done, I sat back on my haunches and sucked in some deep breaths. Charlie whined from the door, and I reached out to pet him.
This stops now. I could still grieve and mourn. I could even feel sorry for myself, but lying in bed, sleeping, and not taking care of myself was over. I might not feel worthy of life, but dammit, Ren thought I was, and my baby…
My baby deserved everything.
Putting a hand to my belly, I glanced down. There was a piece of Liam inside me, a piece counting on me to take care of him. Liam might need his space right now, but even if he wasn’t here, I was still close to him because of this little peanut.
I left the bathroom and bedroom and followed the sounds into the kitchen where Alex was burning himself, trying to use the toaster.
“GD-mother—”
“Need some help?” I asked, cutting off his very inappropriate language.
“Agh!” He jerked around and pressed a hand to his heart. “First this toaster tries to attack me, and then you do!”
My lips twitched. Lifting my hands, I said, “I come in peace.”
Smoke literally started rising out of the toaster behind him.
My legs felt wobbly when I moved forward and pushed him out of the way. “Step aside. You need an intervention.”
“What I need is a new toaster.”
I laughed.
“Knew I’d get one of those out of you sometime.”
I paused and glanced over my shoulder. Warmth pierced me, and it was sort of like stepping in front of a fire after being out in the cold all night. “You mean you ruined this toaster to make me laugh?”
“Hell no. That toaster tried to kill me.”
I made a rude sound and unplugged the appliance. Then I dumped the black bread into the sink. Along with it, about ten tons of breadcrumbs fell out. “How long has it been since you cleaned this thing out?”
“You have to clean it?”
I abandoned the toaster with a grimace. “How about some eggs?”
“I think I have one pan left in here that hasn’t tried to kill me.”
Tried to kill him = he ruined it trying to cook.
Bless his heart.
“You need a girlfriend, Alex.”
“I think relationships are more complications than anything.”
I paused at the fridge, feeling his words all the way into my heart. “Maybe you’re right.” I agreed.
“I meant for me, not for you.”
I gave him a withering glance. “How’s the couch treating you?”
He made a face. “Point taken.”
I busied myself whisking some eggs and prepping some bacon for the micro. I would have put it in the oven, but it was faster this way. Charlie laid at my feet and was working on a nice puddle of drool for me to step in as I worked.
In no time at all, I had a plate of cheesy scrambled eggs and bacon in front of him. There was a familiar foil-wrapped item on the counter, and I pointed to it.
Alex nodded.
“Sharon was here?” I asked as I unwrapped the banana bread.
He nodded. “Yesterday. Everyone here is pretty shook up.”
I swallowed, cutting off a thick slice. “I can imagine.”
Alex tucked into his plate, and after a few bites, he glanced up. “You eating?”
I didn’t want to, but I nodded and filled a plate of my own, reminding myself that I had a baby to think of.
As I ate, I fed Charlie too much bacon and a hunk of bread. The silence between us was comfortable even though I knew we were avoiding the giant elephant in the room.
Liam.
He was almost done with his plate when he said, “The funeral is in the morning.”
“Already,” I murmured.
“Tomorrow will be three days.”
“I know how long it’s been,” I replied, sad.
Alex set down his fork with a clink and reached for my hand. Charlie thought he was offering him some bacon and tried to eat his fingers.
Alex made a sound and pulled back. “I ain’t got nothing for you!” he said, offended. “You already ate more than me!”
“Poor baby,” I crooned and gave the dog some more bacon.
“When that dog has the shits, you’re going outside with him.” Alex threatened.
I held out another piece to him. He looked between me and the crispy slice, then snatched it up to shove half in his mouth.
“You need to eat more,” he said, nudging the side of my chair with his foot.
I took another bite, and my stomach nearly revolted.
Alex frowned when I replaced the fork and chewed with a smile that probably looked more like a grimace.
“You know everyone at the resort and in Caribou thinks what happened to Ren was an accident.”
“What’s the official story?” I asked, reaching for my water to force the food down my throat. The cool wetness of the drink felt good, and I took some more.
“Some asshole guest at the resort targeted Liam because he’s Mr. Olympic and a snowboard celeb and tried to rob his place. You all showed up and interrupted, and things went south.”
Leave it to the FBI to invent some kind of highly believable story. I frowned to myself. Speaking of the FBI, I’d barely had to talk to them. “Has the FBI been here?”
Alex shook his head.
“Chief of police stopped by. I told him you were sleeping.”
“You could have gotten me up.”
“I was beginning to think you were becoming one with the bed,” he cracked.
My eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
God. There I went again.
His chair made a horrible sound when it scraped across the floor. “Hey now, I was just playing.”
Sniffling I tried to smile. “I know. I just—” My voice cracked, and that’s as far as I got in explaining how much of a mess I felt.<
br />
Alex cursed and reached out to hug me. I went into his arms, though it was Liam I really wanted. Alex held me tight, shifting in his seat so I was leaning between his legs. He rubbed up and down my back vigorously, almost as if I were wet and he wanted to dry me off. If I wasn’t so emotional, I would have giggled.
“Don’t you have a sister?” I asked against his chest.
He pulled back a little, swiping a tear off my cheek. “I got two now.”
More tears fell, and I pushed my face against his chest. Suddenly, the way he hugged was perfect.
“I only said that before because I wanted you to know no one around here blames you. You don’t have to worry when you step out the door that people will be whispering and talking. No one knows the real story.”
“She’s not going to want me there, at the funeral.”
But my God, how could I stay home? How could I not go and pay my last respects to a man who literally gave his life for mine?
“That’s exactly why you’re going,” Alex remarked, pulling back to stare at me.
I furrowed my brow.
“To pay respects to the man who gave his life for yours,” he explained as if he realized my brain was working slow.
“I said that out loud?”
He nodded. “Holly won’t cause a scene. She’s too classy for that. And Liam is going to need you there.”
I sat back and wiped at my face. “He hasn’t been here in two days.”
“He’s called.”
“He hasn’t asked to speak to me.”
Alex glanced down at his empty plate.
“I should get a room at the resort,” I announced.
His eyes whipped up. “What?”
“I’m an employee here now.” I paused. “Unless I’m fired for not showing up to work in a few days.”
“You still have your job.” His words rang with authority.
My eyes widened. “You called Chef?”
“Not me.” He spoke meaningfully, his eyes conveying a lot more than his words.
Liam. Liam called and saved my job? He did it even as he was grieving? Even as he blamed me for his loss?
A spark of hope flickered to life inside me. I grabbed it and held until it burned my chest.
Clearing my throat, I continued. “As an employee, I probably get some kind of lodging discount. I’ll get a room. You can have your bed back and—”
“Stop talking.”
I glanced at him, incredulous. “What?”
“You’re not moving out.”
“I haven’t moved in.”
“About that… I’ll take you to get some clothes from your place. You need something besides that shirt you’ve been wearing since you came here.”
I blanched. I hoped I didn’t smell!
He grinned. He had bacon in his teeth. “Good thing you cook good.”
I groaned.
A few seconds later, Alex turned serious. “Look. Give him a few more days, okay?”
I debated, then nodded once. Truth was I didn’t want to be alone. “I’ll take the couch.”
“No.” His voice was hard.
“This is why you’re single.” I observed coolly.
He barked a laugh. “I’m single because I want to be. Women are nothing but trouble.”
“You sound like you speak from experience,” I goaded, interested.
“We should probably head over to your cabin before it gets dark.”
I made a face. “Hearing about your problems might make me feel better about mine.”
Alex got up and dumped his plate in the sink. “I left my problems exactly where they belong—in the past. Now finish eating so we can go. I’ll take out Charlie while you finish.”
“I thought you said I had to take him out.”
He made a scoffing sound. “Like I’m gonna send a girl out in four feet of snow to take her dog to pee.”
I watched him pull on a coat and boots as I chewed a piece of bacon. Charlie danced around in excitement as he moved, and it was a good distraction from all the whirling emotion inside me.
“Hey, Alex?” I said when he put his hand on the door to leave.
He glanced back around, his piercing eyes so easy to find even with all his winter gear piled on. “Yeah?”
“Thank you. For being here, for letting me be here. For everything.”
“It ain’t no thing,” he quipped, then opened the door. Charlie charged out in a blur. Alex stepped out but then stuck his head back inside. “You’re welcome.”
I finished up what I could of my food, which admittedly wasn’t much. But at least it was something. I did drink down the rest of the water, which honestly made me feel pretty proud.
As I worked on picking up the kitchen, the reality of where we were going began to sink in.
I was going back to the cabin… the place where Liam and Ren were shot. The place where I’d killed a man.
The blood had probably stained everything by now, and inside was probably ice cold from the hole in the door. Seeing it all again would be like reliving a nightmare.
I jumped about three feet in the air when Alex and the dog burst back into the kitchen. Catching myself on the counter, I fell back, pressing a hand to my heart.
“What’s wrong?” Alex asked, narrowing his eyes.
“You scared me.” I gasped.
He relaxed. “Sorry.”
I shook my head and went on unsteady legs to my shoes and coat. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt steady. It was a fleeting feeling these days.
By the time we pulled up to the cabin I shared with Liam, I was worked up in a frenzy of nerves. My teeth were chattering, and I told Alex it was because it was so freaking cold outside. I didn’t know if he believed me, but he didn’t say otherwise, so I took it as a win.
When we trudged onto the back deck, Alex moved cautiously, keeping an arm out so I stayed behind him as he took in all our surroundings.
It was then that I realized this probably wasn’t even over. My God, would it ever be?
I might have killed Spidey, and Spidey might have killed the other guy who’d come after me, but there would be more. Crone wasn’t going to stop.
“Alex, we should go,” I said, suddenly panicked.
He glanced around. “Why?”
“What if they’ve come back?”
He stalked back to where I was, sweeping all our surroundings before glancing down at me. I felt small standing near him. Both Liam and Alex towered over me. “No one’s here.”
“The door is broken,” I said, afraid. “The house isn’t even locked up.”
I stepped around to point at the busted door and frowned.
“It’s not busted anymore,” I murmured.
Alex walked up and turned the handle. “It’s locked.” Reaching into his pocket, he produced a key. “Good thing I have a key.”
“You knew the door was fixed?” I exclaimed.
“Yeah…” he said and swung it open.
I marched forward, right past him and into the house. Bracing for the blood splatters, the rivers of red on the floor, I nearly flinched when I looked around.
It was all gone.
The house was spotless.
All traces of murder completely wiped away.
I stared in awe, then slowly turned toward Alex. “It’s all gone.”
His brows lifted. “You thought I was going to bring you here with the place looking like an episode of CSI?”
I rushed across the room and smacked him in the stomach. “Do you have any idea how sick I was at the thought of coming here and seeing it all?”
“My bad.” He crossed his arms over his chest and glowered. “I’m offended you thought so low of me.”
“You cleaned all this up?” I asked, sweeping my gaze around the room again. I thought he was at the cabin the entire time I was…
“Not me,” he said in the exact same tone he had back at his house.
I swung around to meet his eyes
. “Liam cleaned this up?”
Alex’s voice was very quiet when he answered, “Just because he ain’t been around doesn’t mean he don’t care.”
Quickly, I turned away, swiping privately at the freshly falling tears.
I know. How the hell did I have any left?
You’d be surprised how many the body can make when life is an utter mess.
“I’ll just get my things,” I said, watery, and rushed down the hall.
Once my bag was packed, I hauled it out into the living room where Alex waited near the windows. I had a sudden flashback of the way Liam stood there staring out right after…
Hearing me, Alex turned. “Ready?”
I nodded, and he took the bag, tossing it over his shoulder as though it were weightless. “Let’s go.”
“Can I just have a minute?”
Alex seemed to weigh the request carefully, then nodded. “I’ll wait right outside the door.”
I nodded, knowing that was as alone as I would get.
The second he was outside, I turned back to the place. To my home.
It didn’t feel like home anymore. It felt like the shell of place that once was filled with love. The blizzard that blew through crammed this place with icy air, and now everything in this room had the burn of frostbite.
Even though the mess was clean and all the blood was gone, I still saw it as if it were burned into my retinas. I tried to see past it. To the couch where Liam and I made love. To the first place he’d slid inside me without a condom, the very place our baby was probably conceived.
Placing a hand over my stomach, I looked back at the fireplace where we’d spent a night roasting marshmallows and burning almost every one. To the kitchen where I made breakfast and coffee and we made out on the island.
So many memories here, so many happy times.
Tainted.
Stained.
Frosted over.
I didn’t think I could ever be here again and not be reminded of that fateful night when everything changed.
Glancing back to the floor, I recalled how it had pressed into my shoulder blades as the man sat on me, forcing me to the floor. I remembered the hollow look in his stare when he pointed the gun directly at my head.
I flinched, hearing the echo of the gunfire, and bit my lip when I saw the river of red draining from his body and reaching toward mine.
Frostbite (BearPaw Resort Book 3) Page 3