My Heart Can't Tell You No

  “You care if I go back to bed?”

  “No. Go ahead. I don’t plan on locking myself out anymore. I know what kind of lock is on the door—now.”

  “You care if I take you along with me?”

  She didn’t answer. She had successfully avoided thinking about what had happened by keeping busy. She stiffened under his touch and never felt guiltier in her life than she did now.

  “I just got dressed,” she said simply.

  “That’s easy to solve.” He turned her in his arms. “That’s always easy to solve.”

  “I’m sure it is. You’ve had plenty of experience at it.” She said coldly.

  His eyes narrowed as he looked at her. “If you’re trying to say something—don’t throw hints, Maddie. Just say it.”

  “Never mind.” She turned back to the small stove.

  He sat on the chair at the end of the table and looked up at her. She went about spooning coffee in the second cup, then moved back to the stove across the kitchen to replace the jar of coffee. It would have been more convenient to leave it on the table, but she had to keep busy, and she didn’t dare stay there for him to watch her so closely. She didn’t dare look at him for fear that she would practically run up those stairs with him.

  She returned to the bathroom and began wringing out his clothes in the tub. When she had finished with his socks and underwear his hands covered hers as she worked on his jeans.

  “I can do it myself,” he told her flatly.

  He took them from her; so, without another word, she rose, went back to the kitchen, and looked through the cupboards and refrigerator. Her cousin must have bought groceries before he left. If the flood lasted too much longer his food would spoil. She opened a package of sliced ham and took it back to the camp stove, then poured the boiling water into the cups, setting one at the chair Joe had taken earlier and one at the other end of the table. She wouldn’t be sitting down to eat or drink coffee, taking her time about waking up and mellowing out as she usually did. She couldn’t afford such luxury today. Next she put a frying pan on the stove and poured water in it. She knew before the hour was up she would have to put out some pots to collect the rain water then boil it throughout the day so it would be safe to drink.

  Joe collected his clothing before going upstairs for the heater and situating his clothes for them to dry. He returned and sat at the chair as she was turning back to the sink to go through its drawers for utensils.

  “Did you see any razors in the bathroom?” Joe asked.

  “No.”

  She knew her withdrawal from him was making him angry. She could tell from the way he was shifting in his seat. Finding a long fork, she came back to the table, put the ham in the frying pan, and watched as it began to simmer in the hot water, but she could still see Joe from the corners of her eyes. His attempt to take a drink of coffee almost brought a warning from her that it was too hot; but it was too late. He cursed and went to the door.

  “Joe. You throw that out, and it’ll be the last cup of coffee you’ll ever get from me. And you can forget about any food while we’re here too. I don’t make something to be thrown away.”

  He looked at her a long moment, and she knew he was holding onto his temper with a firm grip. He set the cup on the table and climbed the stairs.

  “I’m going back to bed,” he mumbled.

  She ate two small pieces of ham. It wasn’t one of her favorite foods, but she was hungry. Then she went in to the living room to sit on the couch. It felt good against her back so she turned and pulled her legs up, staring out the window at the rain that pelted against the glass in torrents, its rhythm making her drowsy and almost putting her to sleep before she forced herself up and replaced her raincoat. She collected some pots and slipped on a pair of her cousin’s shoes—they were too big, but they would keep her feet dry. On the porch she scattered the pots, collecting water for washing, cooking and drinking. Since the power was off, the pump would provide no assistance.

  She made more coffee and took the radio into the living room, keeping it low so she wouldn’t wake Joe. A deck of cards provided her with minimal entertainment as the afternoon slipped away and early evening brought darkness.

  “Are you talking yet? Or are you still moping?” Joe stood in the wide entrance to the living room, bringing her startled eyes to him. This damn rain was drowning out normal noises. She hadn’t heard him approach.

  “How long have you been up?” She noticed he was fresh shaven.

  “About two hours.”

  “You’ve been upstairs all this time?”

  “No. I ate and cleaned up some.”

  “I didn’t see you.”

  “You didn’t look.”

  Turning her attention back to her cards, she played a red seven on a black eight. She was sitting on the floor Indian-style, hunched over with her chin in her hand, hoping he’d return to the kitchen and eat again or go back to sleep. It didn’t matter what he did. So long as she could be alone until she could fall asleep herself. But he moved closer, kneeling to the floor and taking the cards from her hands.

  “I see you took advantage of your dry clothes.” She leaned against the couch and watched as he lay on his side, leaning on his left elbow as he laid a red queen on a black king, then transferred another pile onto the queen.

  “Would you rather I didn’t?” He turned over three new cards.

  “I don’t care,” she sighed, about to get up, but he lowered himself until he was lying with his head on her thigh, still going about the game.

  “You’ve got a hole in your pants. Do you know that?” he asked.

  “I don’t see how I could miss it. It doesn’t show anything.”

  “Not like the bib of your overalls though, huh?”

  “Why don’t you go take a flying fucking leap . . . .”

  “Yeah, I know,” he grumbled, placing a two of spades on its mother ace, then tossing down the cards, turning onto his stomach, and rising on both elbows. “You’ve got some mouth for a young mother—anyone ever tell you that?”

  She smiled bitterly at him. “Well what can I say? You bring out the best in me.”

  “I know. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know it. Makes me pity Bob.”

  “Leave Bob out of it!” she hissed.

  “All right, I will. But will you?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She moved to get to her feet, but Joe’s rise met hers. He pulled her back on the couch until they were sitting together. When she moved to get up he forced her back and held his arms around her.

  “Sit down!” he ordered as if he were scolding a child.

  “Let go of me,” she growled.

  “No. Not until we have a talk.” He lifted her resisting body until he held her as if she were six years old again. “I don’t know what you’re planning on doing when we get out of here—and it’s eating me apart. I don’t expect you to discuss it with me. Probably because you don’t know yourself. But I’ll say this, we’re going to be here for at least a few more days, and, if you plan on putting me through what you did today, I’ll trudge over the hills and swim through the creeks just to get to town and some shelter, so I don’t have to be in the same building with you. I wanted you today. I couldn’t have made it any plainer. And you turned me away like I was some stranger. I’m no stranger, Maddie.” His fingers moved through her hair as she sat on him, not resisting anymore, but not looking at him either. “I don’t think I can take being stranded with you and not being able to touch you. Do you know how good it feels just to be able to hold you like this and have no one be shocked because you’re only a minor and I’m a married man—or like now—because you’re a married woman with a small child?”

  “Joe, don’t.” Her statement was a soft request. She didn’t want to hear this. It was easier being mad at him and not being in the same room with him.

  “Don’t what? Want you? Need you? Sorry, but I don’t seem to have any control over it.”

&nbs
p; “Knock it off.” She got up and moved across the room.

  “Knock what off? You tell me and I’ll be glad to! Then you damn well better tell me how because I can’t seem to find the way!”

  “What do you want from me, Joe?!” Anguish shook her.

  “I want everything!”

  “I don’t know what that means!”

  “Well, what do you want from me?! What do you want right now? Right this second?!”

  “I want you to leave me alone!”

  She turned to leave the room, but he had her arms in an instant, turning her to face him. “Are you sure?! Is that what you want me to do?! Leave?! Never see you again?! Never touch you again?! You want me to get out so you never have to lay eyes on me again?!”

  She looked at him as he was near shaking an answer out of her, tears brimming her eyes.

  Finally, she whispered, “No.”

  He pulled her against him. “Then don’t play these games. Don’t pretend I’m not here. Don’t pretend what we have isn’t real. If you have to play pretending games—pretend I never married Lena. Pretend it’s four years ago and I’m coming to you with roses and candy and everything is all right.”

  “I can’t. I have to think.” She tried to take a step back from him.

  “No! Don’t think! I didn’t plan on being stranded alone with you. I only came back to check on Pop’s house. I only stopped in at Mom’s for a visit. I didn’t expect to see you there. So there was no way I had this planned. But it happened, and we can’t change what’s happened. Just like we can’t change what will happen tonight—and tomorrow night and the night after that.”

  “Fate? Don’t talk fate to me—I don’t believe in it.”

  “No, not fate. Just something that will happen. Even if we fight like hell against it. It will happen. So we have two ways to spend our time together. Lie with each other during the night when you seem to think the darkness will hide it, and not talk or even look at each other during the day when the light will erase everything. Or just let go and enjoy each other like I know we can. Don’t shut me out, Maddie.”

  “I don’t know what you want!”

  “You.”

  “Don’t talk in riddles.” She moved away again.

  “Okay—to begin with. Come here.” He took her arm and moved to the couch, pulling her down until they were sitting on its firm cushions. She remained stiff as he pulled her back until she was leaning against his chest with his arms around her. “Let me enjoy just holding you right now.”

  “I have to get the water off the porch.”

  “Ten minutes—just ten minutes. Then you can get up and clean the whole damn house if you want to.”

  But by the end of those ten minutes she was far too relaxed to move. After one small attempt she couldn’t find the energy and stayed on the couch. She brought her hands up to hold onto the arms encircling her. She felt so right here. Why couldn’t she feel this way with her own husband? She felt safe and warm, mellow as she moved down on the cushions until her head was on his chest. She could feel and hear his strong heartbeat.

  Maddie fell into a peaceful sleep, a sleep where everything was all right and she had no problems. She felt safe and secure and warm and loved.

  “Mommy? Mommy?” Jackie’s voice called to her, drawing her out of sleep’s depths as she moved her feet to the floor.

  “I’m coming, Sailor.”

  She walked a few steps, then stopped, seeing the dimness of her cousin’s living room. Her heart sank—Jackie wasn’t there. She missed him with all her being. Her body shook with a huge silent sob, her tired steps taking her toward the wall for support. Her head was bent as she tried to gain control of her emotions. The hand that touched her back felt good; warm and soothing.

  “He isn’t here, Babe. It was only a dream,” said Joe gently.

  “I want to go home, Joe,” she said softly. “I miss him so much.”

  “I know. It’ll be a few days yet. But we’ll get you back to him.”

  “I feel him here. I feel him wanting me with him.” She looked up at Joe.

  “He’s fine. He’s got John and Tom there to make him laugh and chase away the tears.” He turned her to face him as he put his arms around her.

  “How can you be so sure?” She leaned back and looked up at him.

  “Simple. I grew up with them. Tom’s probably home right now, trying to put him to bed and telling him all about Bruno the elf.”

  His smile soothed her, chasing away her fears as she slid her arms around his waist and leaned her head against his shoulder. He bent slightly and picked her up, starting for the stairs at the front of the kitchen then up to the bed they had shared the night before. He lay her down and unbuttoned her shirt, then the button and zipper of her jeans. As he pulled them off, she watched him in silence. He turned back to her and lifted the blankets and tucked them around her.

  “I didn’t get the water off the porch yet,” she told him quietly as he sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at her. He was wearing such an expression of concern and comfort that she knew everything was going to be all right.

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see to it. You see about getting some rest. I’ll be back up in a little while. I won’t be far.” He bent and kissed her with such tenderness that it caused more tears to well in her eyes. As he got up from the bed he reached down and wiped them away. “Rest. I think you need it a lot more than you’re willing to admit.”

  CHAPTER XVI

  When Maddie woke the next morning she found Joe in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror. She silently watched him as she listened to the beating of the rain against the roof.

  “You planning on going somewhere?” she finally asked as she leaned against the doorframe, her sudden inquiry making him jerk in surprise and nick his chin.

  “How about a little warning next time?” He glanced over his shoulder at her as he reached for a sheet of toilet paper.

  “I’m sorry,” she smiled and shoved her hands in her back pockets as she moved over to stand in front of him, leaning back against the sink.

  “You look it.” He glanced down at her again before looking over the top of her head and into the mirror. “Good thing I wasn’t shaving down around my throat.”

  “Would you rather I leave?” She tilted her head back as she looked up at him.

  He let out a low chuckle as he dipped the razor in the water. “Do you find something entertaining about watching a man shave? Is that why you’re in here?”

  “I used to watch Dad shave when I was little. He’d watch me in the mirror as I’d be watching him. He said I’d make the same faces he was making, I was that involved in watching him.”

  “You’re not going to stand there and make faces in the mirror at me, are you?” He glanced down at her again as he rinsed the blade for a final time, then put it on the sink.

  “Looks like I won’t have a chance to. You were practically done by the time I got here. No, don’t let the water out. I’m next.”

  “Whatever you say.” He turned toward her, bending slightly as he placed an arm on either side of her. “Do I get to stay and watch too?”

  “No. But you can go get some more kerosene from the workshop.”

  He kissed her lightly, just long enough to smudge her face with some leftover shaving cream before he started back for the kitchen with a towel. “I already did. Everything’s full and ready to go whenever you are.”

  By the time she re-entered the kitchen, she not only smelled coffee but some kind of meat as well. Joe was standing at the small stove, turning steak in a frying pan. There was already a steak on a plate near where he would be sitting, along with a cup of coffee.

  “How do you like your steak?” He looked up at her.

  “That looks about right.”

  “You’re kidding,” he said in a dull voice. “It’s raw.”

  “It isn’t raw.” She picked up a steak knife and cut into the meat, showing its pink interior. “See?�
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  “I see. It’s raw.”

  “No.” She removed the steak and put it on a plate then nodded toward the leftover steak laying on the counter. “Now that’s raw.”

  “Just don’t start eating that, or I’m leaving the room,” he told her as he returned to his chair.

  She smiled as she sat at the table, thinking of Jackie’s response to any meat less than nearly burnt. God, she missed him. Could she ever get home fast enough to gather that boy into her arms? Her smile faded as she looked down at her meal, but the lightest of touches turned her eyes up to see Joe watching her. His fingertips were touching her hand, a light caress as his eyes seemed to give her the strength to take a second wind.

  “Bruno—I bet ya,” he said softly, bringing the tiniest of smiles back to her lips.

  “Is there any more news?”

  “Radio says two more days of rain, then another day or two before the river crests.”

  “Oh.” She looked down at her meal, not feeling much like eating anymore.

  “Come on. Eat up. I have a surprise outside for ya.” Joe raised his brows mischievously as he looked at her and took a bite of his steak.

  “A surprise?” She peered out at the gloom outside. “Don’t tell me, another mud puddle to swim in.”

  “Close. How about a shower instead?”

  “A shower?”

  “I fixed one of the rain spouts. We now can take a shower out there. Cold—but it’ll serve the purpose.”

  “I’m not going outside naked!”

  “I didn’t think you would. I found some old pieces of paneling lying out there in the back of the workshop. I propped them up. Now we can wear the clothes out to the workshop, take them off in there then step out behind the paneling. Simple enough?”