My Heart Can't Tell You No

  He looked at him a long time, looking for traces of Maddie or Bob, but there wasn’t one feature that didn’t resemble John. Except the eyes. John’s were blue and the boy’s were brown like Maddie’s; maybe a little lighter.

  The sight of Maddie made him want to reach out and pull her against him. He wanted to hug her until he knew she couldn’t go away, and he had become angry with himself when he realized it. He had turned his anger on her to protect himself.

  He remembered his anger at her bullheadedness when he saw her at the bridge with them, and the fear that blazed through him when the bridge tossed them around like dolls, and he couldn’t find her immediately in the water’s depths. When she fell through the smaller bridge that he had pushed her toward, he could have died himself for putting her in that situation. His anger at himself and his fear for her had made him pull her into his arms, telling her before he could stop himself that he loved her and would have died if anything had happened to her. But she had pulled away and started walking again.

  He had tried to stay away from her that first night. He hadn’t wanted to make her do anything she didn’t want to do. He had even tried to stay angry at her, but it was a lot easier during those years when he didn’t have to look at her than it was in that house, seeing her feeling helpless and alone; seeing her aching to have her son again, an ache he never saw leave her except when they were making love. That was when she had made him believe he was the only man in the world. He would have slept alone in her parents’ old bedroom if she hadn’t awakened him by calling his name. At first he had thought it was a dream, then he had vaulted from the bed, thinking somehow that she had gone outside and become caught up in the water. When she called again, first his name, then Jackie’s, he had realized she was having a nightmare. He only wanted to calm her, to tell her everything was all right, but the touch of her hands on his skin made his soothing go too far. And when she wanted him to make love to her, he knew he couldn’t hold back. He needed her. He had needed her for seven years; he couldn’t stop.

  He still felt the odd stabbing in his chest when he remembered how she had asked him to make love to her that first night of the flood, how she had enjoyed it. Giving him everything, she had even made him believe that, once they got out of that house, she’d stay with him. She hadn’t denied she was his, that she belonged with him. And then later, when they made love, how she had told him she loved him. More than once; many times, she had told him. But since then he had come to realize she wasn’t even aware of saying those words to him. The way she ran into Bob’s arms when he got there had torn Joe’s heart apart. How she had stood and watched her husband come after him, not caring enough to try to stop him. The about-face had shredded him.

  So within the past six months he had spent most of his extra time at work, whenever they could give him overtime. He enjoyed being overworked. It let him sleep at night.

  He looked at the calendar. The date meant something to him, but the realization didn’t come to him immediately. Then he remembered it was Mom’s birthday. He tried to calculate her exact age, remembering she was twenty-two years older than he was, so that meant she had turned fifty-three today. He’d have to go down to see her soon. He missed her. He went to sleep early that night, still tired from the double shift the day before, but sometime during his first few hours of sleep, he jerked awake. He was sweating even though the temperature outside read ten degrees. He felt nauseous. He was going to be sick. He ran into the bathroom, vomiting in spasms—his mind on Maddie. Something was wrong.

  By dawn he hadn’t slept more than two hours since returning to bed. He rose and called the hangar to report off work, then got dressed. Within half an hour the eerie nagging that something was wrong drove him back to his hometown. It was nearly eight o’clock when he pulled into the Baker driveway. Zipping his coat closed as he opened the door to his truck, he hurried through the frigid wind to get onto the porch. A light in the kitchen told him someone was awake as he knocked then pushed the door open. Jack Baker sat at the table, holding his grandson in his arms. The boy was asleep, but his small body jerked in fright before he released a sob then went back to a deep sleep. Jack looked up at him, a fatigue around his eyes and something else that told Joe his suspicions were correct.

  “You heard. Did John and Tom call you?” Jack’s voice was very distant and emotionless.

  “No. What happened, Jack?”

  “Car wreck. Maddie’s in intensive care—so’s the baby.”

  “Intensive care? Baby? What baby?”

  “She was pregnant. Seven months. They had to take the baby early. They say she doesn’t know she has another son yet, doesn’t even know she had the baby yet. Probably won’t know for days. If she finds out at all. Sarah and the boys are with her now.”

  “How did it happen?” Joe felt ill again, but he swallowed hard, knowing he needed to remain strong.

  “Bob was drunk again. Smashed head-on into a bridge abutment.”

  “Again? He drinks a lot?”

  Jack paused, not knowing how to answer him. Jack had been a heavy drinker himself; his admission told Joe the extremity of Bob’s drinking. “I’d say he was an alcoholic.”

  “Was he in the accident to?” Joe nodded toward the boy.

  “Yeah. He was strapped in the back seat though. He didn’t get hurt. Just scared.”

  “Is Maddie in town, or in the hospital up the road?”

  “Up the road.” Jack indicated the hospital fifteen miles northeast of them; a trauma center.

  Joe was back out the door in an instant, rushing to his truck then over back roads that gave him a shortcut of about five miles from the route that would take him through their town. His mind raced as he pulled into the huge parking lot. His most intense thought was to find Bob and beat him half to death. His feet carried him over the paved area to the basement entrance. Once inside, he took the first elevator to the top floor.

  “Joe?” John called from a large waiting room as Joe came down the hall, turning his attention into the room where he found Tom and Beth as well. All three were smoking heavily as they either paced the floor or sat in a slump.

  “Where’s Mom?” His eyes moved quickly around the room.

  “In with Maddie. She’s the only one allowed to stay with her longer than the regular fifteen minutes.”

  “The only one? You mean Bob isn’t in there with her? Is he down with the baby?”

  “No. Nobody can see the baby yet. Maybe later this afternoon. They’re not sure yet.” John spoke hesitantly.

  “Then where in the hell is he?!”

  “Joe. Bob’s dead. He died almost instantly. Lew was driving right behind them last night. By the time he got to the car, Bob was almost dead. He said Bob only lived long enough to reach for Maddie and say he was sorry. There was too much bleeding. He was dead within five minutes.”

  “Bob’s dead?” Joe’s voice was weak. His anger and jealousy were blown away as he remembered five boys running across fields and country roads, forever smiling and laughing, loving one another like brothers until a small premature baby entered their lives. A comradery that had held those boys in a brotherhood that left their destinies intertwined. Five boys, now only three men. “Too much bleeding?”

  “Sit down, Joe.” John put his hand on his arm, guiding him to a seat next to Beth. “Get him some water,” he told his wife then looked back at Joe. “It was a head-on into solid concrete. The steering wheel crushed his chest. He was pinned there. Maddie was luckier; when they hit, it jolted her across the seat, brought her legs up, otherwise her legs would have been crushed. Lew just reached in the broken window on Bob’s side, wound down the rear window, and pulled Jackie out. He wasn’t hurt, but he saw Bob and Maddie. Lew tried to keep him from seeing them, but he couldn’t help it as he was pulling him out.”

  “He was in a seat belt.” It was an expressionless statement before Joe moved his eyes back up to John’s face. “What about Maddie? What were her injuries?”

/>   “A lot of internal bleeding, possibly a ruptured spleen. She has a concussion, they had to stitch her up along the hairline. She must have really been tossed around because her head got it from all directions. She nearly broke her jaw. Plus the baby coming. They said it would be a few hours before they can tell one way or the other.”

  “They said that when I left for coffee.” Lew entered the room with a carton holding four cups of steaming brew.

  “What took so long?” Beth reached for the containers from him, passing one to each of the Bakers, then handing one to Joe. “Here, take mine. I’ll get one later. Lew, it took you almost an hour.”

  “Got lost. This damn hospital’s getting too big to get around in.”

  Beth looked at the clock. It was eight-thirty. “It’s time for someone to go in.”

  “Lew, why don’t you and Tom go in. Me and Beth were in last time,” John suggested.

  “Don’t want to.” Tom hadn’t moved the whole time Joe was there, slumping low in his seat, watching television. Joe doubted he could tell anyone what was on the screen, though.

  “Do you want to go in?” John asked Joe, and Joe was on his feet immediately.

  Joe looked at Lew to see him watching with a carefulness hidden behind his smile. “Well, let’s go. It’s past breakfast. You know Maddie, if she don’t get her morning coffee, she’s like a bear.”

  When they entered the Intensive Care Unit Joe looked around nervously. The unit held ten glass cubicles on one side, ten more on the opposite side. A searching glance found Sarah, leaning close to a bed and talking. Lew’s body hid the rest of the bed from Joe’s view.

  “Come on, Maddie, aren’t you going to wake up for me?” Sarah’s voice was quiet in consideration of the other patients, but demanding enough to try to capture her daughter’s attention.

  Joe walked into the room behind Lew. As he stepped up along side the older man, Joe’s throat constricted when he saw her. Her face was almost as pale as the sheets, only the darkness of her hair, the stitches in her upper forehead and a large purplish bruise on her face contrasted with the whiteness. The hospital gown she was wearing was mint green, the same color as the oxygen mask on her face. The tubes attached to her limbs were different though, one infusing blood products and the other normal saline. Her hands were limp and small as Sarah held one of them. She looked so pale; so tiny; so helpless. Joe felt as helpless as she looked. His hand went to the table at the side of the bed, his breathing forced and uneven as he looked down at her.

  “You supposed to be trying to get her up?” Lew received an affirmative nod from Sarah before he reached down to Maddie’s foot beneath the blanket and shook it slightly. “Wake the hell up, Brat! What do ya think you’re doing loafing like this? There’s hogs to be fed, and they won’t wait.”

  There was a slight movement of Maddie’s eyes beneath her lids, then an even slighter movement of her brows before they lowered and came together, showing the pain she was feeling when she tried to come back to them.

  “Can she hear us?” Joe asked.

  “Not really, not so far anyway,” Sarah answered.

  “How long have you been trying to get her awake?”

  “The doctors came in and checked on her shortly after the last visiting period. They said it may take a while before she comes out of it. They think its looking very good now, that it wouldn’t hurt to talk to her; it might actually help,” Sarah told him.

  “What have you been telling her?” Joe wanted to know if Sarah had told her of her husband’s death and the birth of their child.

  “Little things, like I love her, and Jackie’s at home waiting for her, and if she doesn’t get up for school soon, I’ll send Jack up with a pot of cold water to get her up.”

  “That’s getting your point across, Sarah,” Lew chuckled.

  Slowly, Sarah got to her feet, showing Joe the fatigue that was flowing over her. When she slipped her hand from beneath Maddie’s, Maddie groaned so quietly it was barely audible and her thumb jerked a fraction, making Sarah look down at her with concern.

  “She knows you’re here,” Joe told her, his eyes staying on Maddie’s face. “She wants you to hold her hand.”

  “Joey,” Sarah whispered quietly as she held onto her daughter’s hand and looked over at him, “come take her hand for a few minutes. I can’t stay here much longer. I’m getting so stiff I can hardly move, and I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Yeah, me too. You sit down with her, Joe. I’ll be back later,” Lew said, then took his sister’s arm and escorted her from the room, stopping briefly at the nurse’s station on the way.

  Joe stood motionless for a moment, then slowly moved to the chair. His hand went to the smaller one, lifting it as he leaned his elbows on the bed. His throat was tight as he looked down at her, bringing his voice out in a hoarse whisper.

  “Maddie, you’ve got to come out of this for us. You’ve got two sons who need you. I need you, Maddie. You’ve got to wake up.”

  But she remained motionless, lifeless as he spoke. Holding her hand, clinging to life with her, he felt that if he held tight nothing could come to steal her away. He didn’t realize how long he was with her, willing her strength, as he watched her pale features. His mind wasn’t capable of keeping track of time as he looked at her, only able to know she needed him there, and that he wasn’t going to let her down this time.

  “Joey. Maybe you should go for some lunch,” Sarah said from the doorway. He looked at her strangely. He knew he had stayed longer than the regular fifteen minutes, but it couldn’t be time for lunch yet. “It’s twelve-thirty.”

  He looked up at the clock, then back to Sarah, slowly rising to his feet and hesitantly removing his hand from Maddie’s. “I thought John said you were the only one allowed in here longer than fifteen minutes.”

  “They want her awake now. We can be in around the clock; one at a time. I was just down to see the baby. He’s gaining ground quickly; I think he’ll be here for a while. He seems so small for seven months—but then I’m used to my three boys, born at nine and ten pounds, and Maddie’s first born at eight pounds. Four and a half pounds makes me worry. I guess he’ll be all right though. Do you want to go down and look at him?”

  “Am I allowed to?”

  “I think they’ll let you in. I told them these are special circumstances. But go eat first. You can come back later.”

  He went back to the waiting room, where he found John and Beth with some coffee and sandwiches. Lew sat in one of the chairs, holding onto his cane as it was propped between his legs. He glanced around for Tom, but he was gone.

  “Here, sit down. We have some coffee and sandwiches for you.” John pointed to the small box on a table. “We figured you wouldn’t go down for anything.”

  “I lost track of the time,” he said simply, taking the cup and sandwich Beth handed him.

  The sandwich didn’t have much flavor. He welcomed the coffee with a bit more interest, but the caffeine wasn’t working to keep him awake. After the coffee was gone he leaned back to rest his eyes. He didn’t wake up until nearly five-thirty.

  The next two days were spent much the same as the first, Sarah staying at her daughter’s side during the afternoon and early evening hours, Joe staying with her throughout the night and morning, sleeping in the waiting room while Sarah was with her. John and Beth alternated visits with Jack and Lew, since Tom had chosen to stay home and take care of Jackie. They all knew Tom couldn’t bear seeing the sister he had introduced to Bruno the Christmas Elf looking so broken and frail.

  The fourth morning Joe was feeling sore and weary. He hadn’t bathed since he had left his apartment, and his beard was dark and approaching half an inch. The doctors said she was doing better but still in danger as long as she wasn’t waking.

  “You look like hell, Irish.” John entered the room behind him. “And I must say, old buddy, you could use a bath.”

  “That bad, huh?” Joe smiled up at him, his fatigue showing
around his eyes; yet still he refused to let go of Maddie’s hand.

  “Well, I can still stand being in the same room with you.” John moved closer to the bed, looking down at his baby sister. “Did you ever imagine while we were over in Nam watching guys getting their brains blown onto their buddy’s clothes, we’d make it home just to watch her like this?”

  “No.”

  John leaned over the other side of the bed, only a foot away from his sister. “Maddie! Get the hell up! It snowed last night and the driveway needs to be shoveled!!”

  “You do it, John. I’m tired.” It was quiet and hoarse, but both men heard it.

  “Maddie?! Maddie?!” Joe was on his feet, his hands on her face, then he glanced up at John. “Go get Mom.”

  Joe called to her over and over, but she didn’t respond. Finally Sarah, Jack and Lew returned, Jack taking the place his son as occupied while Sarah moved next to Joe.

  “Maddie!! You getting up today?!!” Jack’s voice boomed.

  “No.” The word came out, but her eyes remained closed.

  “Maddie, come on honey, get up now.” Sarah spoke next, picking up the hand Joe had released.

  But it was no use, she had gone under again. They each tried calling her back to them, until Sarah finally sat down and looked at the others.

  “Joey, it may be a little while before she comes out of it, but it looks like it’s going to be soon. Why don’t you go home and take a shower and shave? You don’t want her waking up and seeing you like that, do you? It’d scare her half to death.”

  “No, I want to stay here.”

  “Get going, Irish. A few more days like this and they’ll have to fumigate,” Lew told him.

  “Lew!” Sarah scolded, then smiled back at Joe. “No, it isn’t that bad. But I think you better go get some rest and take a shower. You’ll feel better.”