My Heart Can't Tell You No

  “You wanted to marry me?” She felt weak.

  “Of course I did.”

  “And the only reason you didn’t is because you might have lost custody of your children.”

  “I wasn’t going to let her win, Maddie. I wasn’t going to let her keep my kids from me. Even if she finally agreed to a divorce so she could marry someone else. I couldn’t risk her taking them away with her. No one can keep me separated from my kids for long. Anyway, that wasn’t the only reason. I had you to think about, too. She said she’d tear your name apart in court. I didn’t want that for you. So I was going to wait until you turned eighteen then come back for you whether she liked it or not. But she signed the custody over to her parents and had me do the same the day I came back to town. She knew you were married already. So she agreed to a divorce. She had her revenge.”

  “What . . . what would you have done . . . if she had taken the children?” Her throat seemed parched. Her head was beginning to pound.

  “What would I have done? I don’t know. Probably hunted them down and taken them from her. Then I would have gone off somewhere and hid with them. She wouldn’t have found us. But knowing Lena, the only reason she would have wanted to find us was to make sure I didn’t have them.”

  “You would have taken them. Kidnaped them.”

  He looked at her a moment before answering. “They’re my kids.”

  “I see.” She stood up and walked past him, going back to the kitchen to fill a glass with cold water before drinking half of it then turning back to the room and pacing its length.

  “What’s wrong now?” he sighed with exasperation as he stood up.

  “Wrong? Nothing. Why?” she lied. Everything was wrong. He loved her. She was beginning to believe that, but his warning that he would kidnap his children if they were ever kept from him was tearing at her heart. She looked back at him, but his appearance was still too intoxicating for her to look very long.

  “Then why can’t you even look at me?”

  She smiled gently up at him. “Because if I look too long, I may not be able to control what I’m feeling.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe a little scared, a little shy.”

  “Of me?” His brow drew together as he looked at her. “Why should you be shy of me? If anyone in this relationship should be intimidated it’s me, not you.”

  Her smile widened with amusement. Why should he be intimidated by her? She didn’t stand six feet tall and have features that could stop another person’s heart and capture it.

  “And why’s that?” she laughed.

  He slowly walked to her, taking her hand and pulling her toward him. As he sat on the couch, he pulled her astride his lap, his brown eyes drawling her into their depths.

  “Because you’re young, vital and explosive. You’re not starting a downward-slide toward forty, old and gray-haired.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t call you gray-haired yet,” she breathed as her fingers touched his black locks. “And you are definitely not old.”

  “Do you remember telling Lew, John, and me that you were going to marry a man with a full head of hair?”

  “No,” she smiled. “When was that?”

  “At Lew’s birthday, back when I was twenty-four. The day I heard my friends’ little sister’s voice coming up behind me. I wanted to turn around and toss her onto my shoulders, but when I turned around I almost bumped into some long-legged, dark-eyed, dark-haired beauty. I almost dropped my beer. I was practically drooling as I stared at her. Those eyes were drawing me into them, the lips were full and so inviting. I looked beneath the bib of her overalls and saw features that made my hands itch to touch them. Those legs made me stand there and wonder how they would feel wrapped around me. But I didn’t wonder long because I knew I’d have her in the back seat of my car within the hour. And when she smiled up at me my brain turned to jello. But then she talked and I heard that voice coming from her mouth. I was standing there making plans to bed the little girl whom I had just pictured sitting on my shoulders.”

  “Are you saying my voice hadn’t reached the size of my body yet?”

  “It went with your body beautifully. You had no trouble talking at all. I, on the other hand, stood there babbling and stuttering like an incompetent idiot. Do you remember what you asked me?”

  “No, what?” She smiled at him as her hands moved to his shoulders, her thumbs stroking his neck. She was enjoying his story, not sure if she was believing it or not, it didn’t correlate with what she had believed about herself at that time.

  “You asked me when I grew it.”

  “Grew what?” She narrowed her eyes at him.

  “Well, I was looking at a very attractive girl; I figured she was seventeen or eighteen. I had very vivid images of taking her to my car and pouncing on her. What do you think I thought you meant? I had to be inconspicuous as I looked down at the front of my pants.”

  Her laughter flowed as she looked at him. “I didn’t ask you anything like that!”

  “No. You didn’t. But I didn’t know it. All I could do was stand there and stammer some incomprehensible answer. Finally, I got it out of you that you meant my mustache.”

  “I wish I could remember it,” she smiled as her hands went to his face, brushing his hair back as she took a fascination in its thick dark softness. “I can barely remember your mustache. You must have been either extremely conceited or extremely stupid at twenty-four.”

  “I’ll admit to stupidity.” He unbuttoned two buttons on her shirt, sliding a hand inside to cup a breast before his thumb circled its peak, hardening it to a throbbing bead.

  “You weren’t stupid.” Her voice was quiet as she looked at him, seeing the amusement in his eyes as he watched her cheeks redden under his gaze.

  “Are you saying I was conceited?” His other hand opened the rest of her buttons and pushed the cloth aside, revealing the thrusting breast that ached for his touch. He quickly complied, watching her as his hands massaged her.

  “I don’t know. I was awe-struck. I didn’t notice.” She pressed her lips to his, tasting them as his tongue touched hers, releasing her breath with a tiny moan of need.

  “How about now? Are you still awe-struck?”

  Her answer was a murmur when his mouth moved to her throat. She shifted on his lap, trying to satisfy the incredible tightening he was causing, but her movement brought a moan from him as his hand moved to her waist. He shifted slightly, bringing himself up fully against her as his mouth lowered to the hollow at the base of her throat, his tongue warming her. He went lower, finding the area his hands had taken such pleasure in moments before, teasing with flicks of his tongue before curling around the throbbing bud. His hand had moved to the back of her, kneading the small firm buttocks that peaked out beneath her shorts, then going under her thighs to touch her lightly, sending electric jolts through her at the contact. She needed to touch him, to try to give back some of what he was giving but their position on the couch was proving difficult.

  As if sensing her thoughts he shifted on the couch until he was sitting on its edge, then with his hands firmly holding her buttocks, his powerful legs lifted them. He stood motionless with her before reluctantly moving his mouth from her breast, slowly lifting his head until he was looking at her. Her arms were around his neck, her fingers curling in his hair as she leaned against him, brushing her lips over his, feeling the tickle of his day’s growth of beard before his mouth opened to her, taking command of her lips. His tongue slipped between them, sliding over her teeth and then probing the warm depths of her mouth.

  She wasn’t aware of his closing her bedroom door, only aware of the hunger they were both feeding on. As the hours passed their caresses took up the night and early morning, their quiet whispers making separation impossible.

  CHAPTER XXIII

  Maddie and Joe didn’t awaken until nearly eleven o’clock when the bedroom door flung open and the boys ran inside. Maddie sat u
p in an instant, but Joe merely turned on his side, away from the small boy who was already crawling up the center of the bed.

  “Mommy! Guess what!” Robby sat on the pillows.

  “What?” She tucked the sheet under her arms and pushed her hair back as she looked down at him. Jackie stood motionless in the doorway, still in shock over the discovery of Joe in her bed.

  “Jackie made me breakfast. And he spilled the milk all over the table. He got mad at me when I laughed at him and he threw the cereal at me.”

  “What time is . . . quarter to eleven!” She moved to get out of bed, but she stopped when she remembered her unclothed state. “If you go out and wait a minute, I’ll make you breakfast.”

  “But we already ate! I just told ya so!” Robby quickly jumped onto his knees as he leaned over Joe, peering into his face until Joe reluctantly opened one eye and looked up at him. “You’re still sleeping. Why are you still sleeping? Are you sick like Gram and Pap? They sleep during the daytime too. They got pepper. Do you have pepper too? Is that why you’re still sleeping?”

  “What do you mean they got pepper?” Joe slowly turned onto his back.

  “Sugar,” Maddie said quietly.

  “No, I’m not diabetic. Just tired.”

  “Why are you tired?”

  “Because I was up late last night.”

  “Why? What were you doing?”

  “Playing cards with your mother. Do you always have this much energy first thing in the morning?”

  “Are you growing a beard? Look, Jackie, Joe’s got a beard! Jackie, come look.”

  Slowly Jackie walked toward the bed, his distrust of the man showing plainly. “Are you living with us now?”

  Joe’s eyes moved to the older boy’s face, the flatness of his voice a cold warning to the man. “I didn’t bring my clothes up, if that’s what you mean.”

  “That isn’t what I mean.”

  Joe knew exactly what the boy meant, but didn’t know how to answer him. It was evident the boy knew the circumstances surrounding his presence there.

  “You’re sleeping here from now on? Please can’t I call you Daddy now? Please can’t I be your little boy now?” Robby’s excitement glowed as he beamed at Joe.

  “No!” Jackie scolded him. “He’s not our dad!”

  “That’s not fair!” Robby turned toward Jackie, a violence in the small body that surprised his parents. His tiny hands clenched into fists as he stood on the bed glaring at his older brother. “You had a daddy! I want one too! I don’t want that stupid man in that picture anymore! I want a real daddy!”

  “He wasn’t stupid!” Jackie took a threatening step toward Robby.

  “Yes he was!”

  “Robert. That’s enough.” Maddie pulled the thin bedspread around her as she stood up. “Bob Green was a lot of things, but he wasn’t stupid.”

  “I don’t care,” he whined as she moved to her dresser to get a fresh set of clothes. “I want a real daddy too. Can’t Joe be my daddy now—please?”

  “I told you before—Joe already has a little boy.” Maddie couldn’t think straight on that subject, reaching for the easiest excuse she could find.

  “Pap has two sons too. He’s still their daddy.”

  “That’s true, Maddie,” Joe said from where he remained under the sheet. “As a matter of fact, he had three sons and he still made room for me and Bob.”

  “Oh!” Robby squealed as he jumped off the bed and ran to Maddie, wrapping his arms around her legs, tugging on the bedspread as she frantically clutched it. “Can I have lotsa brothers too—please—please, Mommy?!”

  “Robby! Would you be careful!” A final yank had the cover fully around her again, but a sudden rap on the front door jerked her attention away from the child. “Damn. Jackie, go answer the door. I’ll be right out.”

  Maddie disappeared into the bathroom, quickly dressing and bringing some order to her hair before hurrying back to the hallway where she met Joe as he came from the bedroom clothed only in his jeans. Her father’s voice from the kitchen stopped her in her tracks.

  “What’s wrong?” Joe bumped into her.

  “Go get your shirt and shoes on!” she whispered. “It’s Dad!”

  “So?” His gentle smile told her he thought she was being silly, nevertheless, she approached the kitchen slowly.

  Jack was standing at the counter making a pot of coffee with Robby’s help as the youngster stood on a chair next to the man.

  “Here—I can do it, Pap!”

  “Get your fingers out of here.” Jack pushed the boy’s hand away from the canister of coffee. “Fill the pot up with water instead.” He turned and glanced at Joe and Maddie, eyeing the younger man a long moment before looking back to his daughter. “You want those brake shoes put on today?”

  “If you want to do it today.” Maddie lifted Robby from the chair and placed him on the floor. “Get out of Pap’s hair for once.”

  As Maddie put the chair back at the table, she watched Robby go to Joe and practically climb up his legs before the man swung him into his arms.

  “Pap! Guess what?! He’s my daddy!”

  The chair dropped out of her hands with a bang; then, as she tried to grab it to keep it from tipping, she knocked it over completely. One look at the two of them together like that and they would know just how true his comment was. She turned quickly and glanced at her father. He was watching too.

  “Well, I hope your daddy knows how to change brake shoes. I could use an extra pair of hands.”

  AUGUST 1984

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  August 1984

  The next two weeks went by in a flash for Maddie. Her family’s quiet acceptance of her open relationship with Joe made things a lot easier. It was almost as if they had known all along and were only waiting for the inevitable. Robby seemed to be in heaven with his daddy. Jackie remained somewhat distant, although he seemed to be able to stand the sight of Joe these days. Although Joe moved nothing into her home, it was clear where he was living; it was the need for space in the coming weeks that kept his home open. Her love for Joe was overshadowing her mistrust of him. Her long-time decision never to let him know he was her sons’ father was becoming blurred.

  She and Jackie were on their way home from town when she saw Joe and Robby on his lawn, prompting her to pull her car into his short driveway. She walked silently to the lawn chair Joe was lying on. She knelt next to the chair, resting her chin on his forearm as she watched him. It pleased her as she looked at his face, knowing that after two weeks the sight of him still sent her pulses racing in need or calmed her when things mounted up and she felt young and incapable.

  “Can I go watch your television?” Jackie asked as he stopped next to them.

  “You know where it is,” Joe said simply, then opened his eyes and looked at Maddie. His gaze made her heart jump. “You shouldn’t look at me like that, little girl. I don’t think the boys would like what would happen out here for all to see.”

  “Okay,” she said simply, getting to her feet, but his hand caught hers as he pulled her down until she sat between his legs.

  “I changed my mind. Stay and look all you want.”

  She saw how the deep brown of his eyes seemed to sparkle as she laughed at him. “I’m blocking your sun now.”

  “Do I look like I need more sun? I only came out to watch Rob. Are you done with Jackie now?” He gently maneuvered her
on the chair until she was leaning back against his chest with her legs stretched out between his.

  “For now. He’ll need a new winter coat. Last year’s sleeves travel halfway to his elbows, but I’ve got a month or two to worry about finding one.”

  “He might look like his Uncle John, but he sure ain’t built like him. By the time Jackie’s fifteen he’ll be taller than John and Jack. Look—he’s up to something.” Joe pointed to Robby as the boy walked to the window where his brother was watching television. With a mischievous grin, he picked up the garden hose and again started for the window. Maddie tried to stand up to stop him, but Joe held her still and reached for the length of hose that ran next to them. He pinched the rubber together, stopping the water from running out of the nozzle even before the boy reached the window. “Stay still, I’ll handle it.”

  Robby stopped and looked down at the nozzle in confusion, shaking it a few times, then lifting it to get a better view. The expression on his face as Joe released a spurt of water was utter amazement. He dropped the hose and instantly stumbled backward, dropping onto his bottom with a thump. He looked over at his parents, but Joe kept his end of the hose hidden alongside the chair. Cautiously, Robby got back to his feet, moving back to the nozzle and squeezing it, only to find nothing come out. A second attempt to see what was obstructing the hose drenched him, sending him running back to Maddie and Joe.

  “You’re rotten,” Maddie half laughed as she leaned her head against Joe’s chest.

  “I know, and he’s sneaky.”

  “What’s the matter, Robby? It raining on that side of the yard?” Maddie asked her son as he approached them.

  “Daddy’s hose don’t work right!” he grumbled.

  “No? What were you doing with the hose anyway?”

  “Playing.”

  “Are you two almost ready for supper?” Maddie suddenly felt very lazy as she reclined against the warmth of Joe’s body, but she knew she had to get up.