by Allan Massie
"That's no way for a little girl to talk. Do you want your mouth washed out with soap?"
"It'th what I heard Uncle Marcuth Agrippa thay."
She gave a little pout, holding strawberry-pink lips open and thrust forward. I was twelve then, so Julia must have been ten. But she already knew - had always known as if by nature — how to act, tease and provoke. Augustus at that stage liked the three of us to behave as if we were indeed brothers and sister — Julia is of course the child of his second marriage to the appalling Scribonia, one of the few women I have ever met who is as disagreeable and generally awful as the reputation which precedes her. Livia was always less certain that we should be encouraged to think of ourselves as siblings.
"What does sedutheth mean?" Drusus asked.
"It's seduces," I said. "Julia only says sedutheth because she's lost a front tooth. Anyway, Julia, Marcus Agrippa isn't really our uncle, you know. He can't be because he's a plebeian."
"Quite so," Livia said, and changed the subject.
Augustus liked us, however, to speak of Agrippa as our uncle; he was always eager that his supporters should feel they were a family; later, when Livia wasn't about, he upbraided me for the way I had spoken of his friend.
"If you grow up to be half the man Agrippa is," he said, "you'll be twice the man your own father was. And don't speak of plebeians in that silly way. If it weren't for plebeian blood, Rome wouldn't have an empire . . ."
He was right of course, and I came to appreciate Agrippa later, but then I could only think that my stepfather himself was essentially plebeian. I took his irritation as further evidence of his inferiority to the Claudians and of his lack of true nobility.
He had his revenge in the arrangements of his triumph. His nephew Marcellus was granted the honour of riding on the leading trace-horse, while I was relegated to an inferior position.
Cleopatra did not of course walk in chains, as she deserved to do. She had escaped him, by means of the now famous asp.
Two years later Augustus declared that he had restored the Republic. (I shall treat of this more fully, and philosophically, at a more appropriate stage of my history.) Marcellus was ecstatic.
"There never was such a thing," he said, again and again. "Such a surrender of power."
"I don't understand why Daddy should choose to give up power," Julia said. "It seems strange to me, after fighting so long to win it." She had quite lost her lisp, you observe.
"Yes," I said, "very strange."
I look up from the terrace on which I am writing this, and gaze over the evening sea and it is as if I can see reflected there our childish faces, as we strove with the dawning of our political understanding. I see Marcellus, six months older than I — and how much younger? - candid, beautiful, insipid. He reclines on a couch, in languid attitude that cannot disguise his animal energy, and yet looks, as always, as if he has fallen into a pose to delight a sculptor. I see Julia, the childish gold of her hair already darkening to that colour for which I have never found the right epithet, her blue eyes set rather far apart and moist at the edges, her lips always a little open. (Livia used to say she had breathing difficulties but I have always thought that the habit indicated her greed for experience.) And myself? When I try to envisage myself a shadow falls, and my face withdraws into the dark.
So we argued the matter and I have forgotten what we said, but the impression of that evening remains warm. We could hear the din and bustle rise from the forum below. Julia was eating a peach, and the juice trickled down her chin, to be retrieved by that quick, pointed tongue. Marcellus strove to convince us of Augustus' nobility and generosity in handing the Republic back to the Roman people, and Julia laughed and said,
"Daddy's not noble, he's clever, he's much too clever to do that. I'm only a girl and my interest in these political affairs is strictly limited, but I know perfectly well that you don't fight civil wars for fifteen years in order to give the dice back to your enemies and tell them to play the game again in their own way. If you take things at face value, Marcellus, you're a fool. Of course, you are a fool. I'd forgotten that."
She was quite right. Marcellus was a fool, a beautiful fool certainly, but all the more fool for that, because he was eaten up with self-love. "He's just like Narcissus, or Hyacinthus, isn't he?" Julia once said to me. "One of these silly Greek boys who fell in love with their own beauty." So from that day we called him The Hyacinth.
"You're different," she said to me, and put her arms round my neck. "You sit there like a wise man and say nothing. Nobody knows what you think, do they, Tiberius? I think that's clever."
And she kissed me. It wasn't a child's kiss. Or a sister's. It lingered on my lips.
But Augustus did not think Marcellus a fool. He thought him a golden youth and adored him. I believe Livia tried to warn him that he was in danger of making an ass of himself, but he was infatuated with the boy. Of course Marcellus was the son of his sister Octavia, whom he had always thought perfect and who now aroused feelings of guilt in him because he had compelled her to marry Mark Antony for political reasons; and the boy's father, C. Claudius Marcellus, had been one of his earliest supporters. (The Claudii Marcelli were, of course, cousins of mine.) But this wasn't the real reason for the enthralment in which Augustus was held by his nephew; and, despite the sneers of Roman gossip, it wasn't a vicious attachment either. The truth is that in Marcellus Augustus saw what he longed to be, and knew, of course, that he couldn't: a natural aristocrat, spontaneous, generous, idealistic; impulsive, a being born to be adored. His stupid love for Marcellus represented his surrender to a suppressed part of his character; it represented the wish that life is not what it is but an idyll.
He took us on campaign in Gaul when we were both very young. By this time — though I wasn't yet aware of it — he had already decided that Marcellus and Julia should marry. In that way he would, he fondly thought, continue to possess the two people the immature side of his nature most adored. (It was a different, and more worthy, side that loved Livia.) He was asking for the impossible of course, forgetting that neither could remain eighteen.
He loved to question us in the evening, to extract our views on life, and then try to correct them; he has always been a natural teacher. He told us that the business of government was service. "The only satisfaction," he said, "is the work itself. The only reward, the ability to continue the work. It is our task to bring law and civilisation to the barbarians. The true heroes of our empire are the countless administrators whom history will never know . . ."
I was fascinated. This was a different Augustus I was seeing. I realised for the first time how my mother diminished him; in her presence he would never have dared speak as if he had authority. Men, I said to myself, become fully themselves when they are away from women: in the camp, at their office, feeling responsible for action, for decisions which determine life and death. But Marcellus was bored. He interrupted:
"Caesar invaded the island of Britain, didn't he?"
If I had interrupted in such a manner which showed that I had paid no attention to what he had been saying, he would have reproved me. But he beamed at Marcellus and laughed:
"You know he did. You've read his memoirs, haven't you . . ?"
Marcellus groaned.
"Not much of them. He's awfully dull, you know."
"I can see how you might think so," he stretched over and umpled my cousin's hair. "Is that your opinion too?" he asked.
"He's admirably lucid," I said, "and I've no experience of zourse, but I find his descriptions of battles very convincing, except for one thing. He's always the hero. Was he really like that, sir?"
He smiled at us, as if thinking. I nibbled a radish. Marcellus took a swig of wine. Then, before Augustus could speak, he said:
"I do like the sound of Britain, there are pearls there and the warriors paint themselves blue. They must look funny, but despite that, it seems they can fight a bit. Why don't we carry on Caesar's work and conquer the island?"<
br />
"What do you think, Tiberius . . . ?"
I hesitated, to show that my opinion was well considered. But I had no doubt:
"It seems to me that we have enough trouble with the empire as it is. I think it may be big enough. Wouldn't we be best to consolidate before we bite off any more . . . ?"
And what was Marcellus' reaction to this good sense?
He called me an old woman. If we'd been alone I might have said that it was better to talk like an old woman than a silly girl, but in the circumstances I only smiled.
To my surprise, Augustus agreed with me.
"Caesar was an adventurer," he said. "I'm not. The conquest of Britain would be worthless, for the island is covered in fog and there's little evidence that the pearl fisheries are of much value . . ."
Marcellus sighed. "It would be such an adventure," and Augustus laughed and rumpled his hair again.
2
Augustus was from the first, by nature, a dynast. The word is Greek and means a man of power. It was on account of his single-minded pursuit of power that he triumphed in the civil wars; it was that pursuit which forced the war against Antony and Cleopatra on the Roman people. Yet he was never even a competent soldier. He owed his victories to Marcus Agrippa, and to the goddess Fortune.
I didn't appreciate Agrippa till he became my father-in-law. I can't reproach myself for failing to do so. It would have been more remarkable if I had understood his genius, for he was everything I distrusted by nature: rough, uncouth, with a strong provincial accent, and given to laughing loudly at his own (poor) jokes. He had that taste for bawdy stories which is such a useful means of creating good-feeling between men; it is my ill-fortune that I am fastidious and detest such ribaldry.
Augustus relied on him utterly. They were complementary. Neither would have been capable of the other's achievement. Nevertheless, as children, we used to mock him, Julia especially. I didn't realise then that Augustus had already arranged that I should marry Agrippa's daughter, Vipsania. I would have been extremely offended, for I found her insipid.
Certain scenes of youth stand out with the clarity of wall-paintings. A summer evening in the gardens of a villa overlooking the sea, Naples some twenty miles distant. I am reading Homer and listening to a nightingale, for it is almost too dark to read the words. A hand is slipped across my eyes from the rear. I have heard no one approaching. The hand is cool and dry.
"Julia," I say, without moving, and feel the fingers move down to stroke my cheek.
"I wish you weren't always reading. I don't know what you see in books."
"They tell us," I say, "how life . . ."
"Now, darling," she says, "don't be pompous . . ."
Even at that age - what, thirteen? - when most of us are shy and awkwardly aware of ourselves, Julia could employ the word "darling" as naturally as a child or a lover.
But she was perturbed that summer, that evening.
"Put your book away," she said. "I want to speak to you."
"Well, it's too dark to read . . ."
"Please be serious."
"What is this? You ask me to be serious?" "I've got some news. Daddy says he wants me to marry The Hyacinth." "Congratulations." "Don't be silly."
"I'm serious. Marcellus is going to win great glory. Your father will see to that. . ."
"That's what I mean. I should prefer my husband to be a man who will win glory for himself. Or perhaps not? What is glory after all?"
"But Marcellus is charming also," I said. "Everyone agrees on that."
"Oh yes," she said, "but I don't want him . . ." She leaned forward, kissed me on the lips, and ran away, laughing.
She would laugh — at intervals - all through her marriage to Marcellus, and he took it as a tribute to his charms. But laughter in Julia was not necessarily a sign of happiness.
As it happened, my mother also was opposed to the marriage. She made her view clear, but this was one of the few battles with Augustus which she lost.
"He was besotted with the boy," she told me later. "It blinded his judgment and made him obstinate as a pig."
Curiously, Marcellus' own mother, Augustus' sister, Octavia, also disapproved of the marriage. She feared that it would expose her son to the jealousy of more capable and more ruthless men.
She knew he was a lightweight, even if she adored him. Indeed it is quite possible that Marcellus commanded the adoration of his mother and uncle precisely for that reason.
Nevertheless the marriage went ahead. Augustus was silly with joy. Marcellus preened himself. Julia sulked. She soon found however that there was something to be said for her new state. As a married woman she had privileges denied a virgin. She had her own household and discovered that she enjoyed the freedom and the opportunities to command which this afforded her.
But she was not happy and she had reason for discontent. One evening she invited me to supper. I was surprised to discover that we were alone together.
"Don't be silly, my old bear," she said. "After all we're practically brother and sister."
She toyed with her food, nibbling a little dried fish and some green grapes, a slice of smoked ham and two purple figs, which she held up between thumb and forefinger before putting them whole into her mouth. She drank two or three goblets of wine, and urged me on. Then she dismissed the slaves and we were alone.
She stretched out on her couch, holding up her arm to admire the shape of her hand, and let me have a glimpse of her breasts. She pulled up the skirts of her gown to display her legs.
"They're improving, aren't they?" she said. "Only a few weeks ago they were still fat. What do you think of them, old bear?"
"Stop it," I said.
"Why?"
"Because it's not right. . ."
"It's not my fault if I fancy you and not my husband. Is it now?"
She stroked her thighs and smiled.
"Cat," I said; but didn't move.
"Old bear. Are you a virgin, old bear?"
I'm sure I blushed.
"As a matter of fact, no," I said.
"Oh good. The Hyacinth can't do it," she said, "not with me anyway. I think he needs people to tell him how pretty he is, and I won't do that. Do you know where he is tonight, actually . . . ?"
I shook my head. I couldn't take my eyes off her legs and the movement of her hands . . .
"He's having supper with Maecenas," she said.
"Won't the conversation be rather over his head?" I asked, for Augustus' Etruscan minister was celebrated as the patron of poets and artists.
Julia giggled.
"Maecenas gives other kinds of parties, you know. With dancers and painted chorus-boys. That's the kind he invites Marcellus to. He's been doing it for years and nobody dares tell my father, not even his paid spies."
She sat up.
"Look at me. I'm a beautiful girl, the daughter of the most powerful man in the world, and the husband my father has forced on me would rather have any Phrygian boy who wiggles his bum at him."
She threw herself down sobbing. I watched her shoulders rise and fall, and felt my mouth dry. I touched cracked lips with my tongue. I moved to comfort her. In a trice her arms were round my neck, her tongue seeking mine. I tasted tears, wine and warm, eager, scented flesh; she was soft as rose petals and firm as a galloping horse. She cried aloud with joy-filled pain, and I sank into unimaginable delight. . .
"Old bear, old bear, hairy beast. . ."
"Lascivious cat . . ."
It was like that then. The night dies over the ocean. The moon swells behind the mountains of Asia which roll back, wave upon wave, to the confines of empire. I pour myself more wine and gulp it, seeking fierce oblivion that will not come.
3
The following morning my mother summoned me to her apartments. She gave me what Drusus and I called her Medusa look.
"You're a fool," she said, "and you look awful . . ." "I'm afraid I drank too much wine last night. . ." "That's not all you did last night. I suppose you're
too old to whip . . ."
"Yes," I said, "that must be a matter of regret for you, but I am indeed too old to whip."
"Then I shall have to employ my tongue. I didn't ask you to sit down."
"No, you didn't. Nevertheless . . ."
"Don't be insolent. Don't add insolence to your other folly."
"If I knew what you were talking about . . ."
"You know very well . . . And don't smile. You have put yourself, and everything I have worked for on your behalf, at risk, for a little honeypot with the morals of an alley-cat . . ."
"Ah," I said, "I should have realised, Mother, that you would have an informer in Julia's household . . ."
"You should indeed. Shall I tell you something which you should never forget? Success in life and politics, which for people like us amounts to much the same thing, depends on information. Naturally, therefore, one takes steps to obtain it. I hadn't thought you could be such a fool."