Blue

by H. J. Bellus

“Perfect.” The word is gritted out between clenched teeth.

  “May I ask where you’re going? I know it’s none of my business.” He rounds the corner of the counter and makes his way closer to me. “I mean, after all, I did promise your dad that I’d keep you safe and all.”

  “I’m going running.”

  I don’t wait for his response before I exit the building and forgo stretching. My feet pound on the same exact route as the night I was attacked, and I wish for nothing more than a fucking neon sign glued to my forehead. I want the pain and second-guessing to stop. I crave nothing but that the attacker finish the fucking job he started.

  I don’t hold back on the pace or the length of my strides. I push hard to punish every single part of my body as I run along the darkest parts of the trail, letting the night air and sounds encompass me. Not music or Tuck’s scent, just nature and the hopes of meeting my attacker. Sweat beads form and run down my back and arms. It only forces me to push harder and run faster. When the dorms comes back into view, I feel yet another stab to the heart. Life is nothing but a cruel fucking joke. When I’m forced to survive, I do, and when I’m begging to no longer survive, it’s not granted.

  Entering the dorms, I notice Steve is gone and his counterpart has replaced him. Fred, just as polite and inviting as Steve, but I feel no loyalty to him, so I just rush past him in my haste to get back to my prison. When my door shuts behind me, the silent confines beckon me and I go numb.

  The sheets of my once soft and welcoming bed that smell of home are harsh on my skin. Every part of me cringes as I sink into them. Even though Tuck is dead to me, he’s the only thing my body craves. My DNA needs him to function—no, yearns for him in order to survive.

  My eyes drift shut, haunted by Tuck’s face and his possessive anger tonight directed toward me, and only me. It’s as if anyone else in the world saw him, and he instantly blamed me, but before I pass out completely I see the soccer player’s face and develop a hunger to hunt him down and take care of him first.

  ***

  Drowning, still drowning in my own guilt and others’ stupidity. The world seems to keep spinning, but it doesn’t matter to me at all. The sun beckons me to wake up, but again I don’t care about attending class or even making it on time to practice. I’ve already lost the title of head cheerleader during basketball season, and it was actually a relief. It only took me showing up late to practice twice.

  It’s been five days since the worst day of my life spiraled out of control, but I’ve lost so much. Even in my depths of sorrow and self-loathing, my admirer hasn’t given up. He’s even gone to the extent of speckling blood drops on my kill notes. It’s like I’ve made it near the top of his hate list, but have never secured the number one spot.

  I’ve run every single night since, hoping and praying he revisits the same spot to finish the job. It seems easier than to explain to my parents the whole fucked up situation, and Tuck sure as hell hasn’t tried to make amends in the slightest.

  Walking into the gym, I get a glare from Sophie and the rest of the girls behind her. In their defense, it could be my unshowered and unkempt hair or her disgust of me. Either way, I don’t fucking give a shit and hope more than anything…someone would slice my throat now and let me bleed out on the gym floor, since that’s how all my invisible open wounds feel.

  I fought to be here and now would die to leave.

  Chapter 32

  Tuck

  “I didn’t drive here to be turned away.”

  “Sir, again, do you have an appointment?”

  I pound a fist into the weak countertop and raise my voice to a growl. “I need to see him…”

  I’m cut off by someone mentioning my name, and when I look up it’s as if I see her standing within her dad. Their eyes are identical, and even though Blue isn’t here now, the resemblance is something I never noticed. It’s not until this moment that I realize just how much they look alike. Her dad sees me, and I freeze. It’s written all over his face that he’s shocked to see me, but I keep on with my plan. I didn’t come here to fucking dick around.

  “Sir, Dr. Williams, please?”

  His face doesn’t hold anything back as he stares back at me. I knew it was going to be a gamble, but it’s worth gambling for. It’s been months without Blue in my life, and the last words she spoke to me ring in my ears every single morning. She’s right, I’m a beast and don’t deserve anything more. She’s the only person on Earth who actually made me believe I was desirable. She was my one person, and I pushed her away like a piece of garbage.

  “Sir, I’d like a consultation, please.”

  I know I’ve caught Dr. Williams by surprise, but just like his daughter, he welcomes me with open arms, and it’s another dagger to my wounded soul.

  “Follow me, son. I have about twenty minutes.” He rounds the counter and opens the door. I follow him until he welcomes me into his office. It’s nothing less than prestigious, with an over-sized dark desk placed in the center of the room. The walls are adorned with plaques and certificate after certificate, but my vision is magnetized to one picture. The picture of Blue leaning into her dad with the biggest smile plastered on her face.

  She’s a true beauty like I’ve never met before. It’s not just her perfect skin, gorgeous eyes, and killer body; it’s more than that. It’s her desire to fight for what she believes in and her ability to love. I owe this to her.

  I sit in the large leather chair across from him and try to form a thought.

  “I need your help.” I roll the sleeve of my shirt up to let him view my skin. “I need to be fixed, sir.”

  He leans forward, pitching his pen to the ground. “What did you do to my daughter?”

  I lift my shirt the rest of the way, pulling it over my head and exposing everything to him.

  “I let her love me and then broke her heart.”

  “Why are you here, Tuck?”

  “I want these gone.” I rub the thick scars over my abdomen. “I want Blue back.”

  He relaxes back in his chair and shakes his head. “I have no problem helping you out if this is what you want, but I know Blue better than anyone in the world. You broke her heart, she loved you more than cheer, so I do know that she’d never want you fixed.”

  He air quotes the word “fixed.”

  “I need to be fixed, to be whole again, because there is no way I can lay next to her with this skin.”

  “Why?” He leans forward, resting on his elbows. “Has she ever made you feel inferior or ugly?”

  “Never,” I whisper.

  “So, you’re telling me that you don’t think you’re worthy of Blue.”

  “Sir, she only ever made me feel loved and on top of the world, but when I look in the mirror I see the nasty truth.”

  He raises an eyebrow at me, pushing me to go on.

  “I’m not good enough.”

  “It’s going down like this, Tuck.” Dr. Williams rises from his chair. “I’ll move ahead with this if you’re doing it for you, but if it stems from not feeling worthy of Blue or doing it for her, then you’ll have to move on.”

  It’s the end of the discussion as he walks over to the door. “Oh, and Tuck, I think you’re a damn fool. You have so much in your life and overcame obstacles, but you are willing to let the scars ruin you. Wear them like a warrior.”

  Three Days Later

  I made an appointment this time and am ready to share my final decision with Dr. Williams. After several sleepless nights in a run-down hotel and countless conversations with my sister, I know exactly what has to be done.

  “Tuck Jones.” A nurse in baby blue scrubs stands beaming before me.

  “That’s me.”

  She weighs me, takes my blood pressure, all the normal shit you go through at a doctor’s office. It was my life for years, surgery after surgery, with almost daily appointments. The only difference is Joe’s not by my side.

  “All right, Tuck, to the room on the right. Doctor Williams
will be with you soon.”

  I hear the nurse swing open the room indicator and then pull the door half shut. She’s distracted by someone in the hall and is off before shutting it all the way. It doesn’t bother me since I’m still fully clothed and my mind is still reeling from everything I’ve processed over the last few days. It’s been numbing, then spirals into painful.

  “Where is he?”

  The voice coming from the hall now is very familiar.

  “I don’t care if he’s busy or not. It’s about our daughter.”

  The words slowly process in my foggy brain, and then I realize it’s Blue’s mom. I don’t wait for her to speak another word before I jet into the hall and come face to face with her. Blue’s dad joins us moments later.

  “What is going on?” He grabs his wife by the elbow and begins hauling her to his office. I follow them, not caring if I’m invited or not.

  “What is wrong?”

  “It’s Blue,” she sobs before I can close the door behind us.

  “What about her?”

  “She made me promise not to tell you until she got home.” Her mom wails again before collapsing into the chair. “She quit the squad two weeks ago and was supposed to fly in today. She never showed up and isn’t answering her phone.”

  “She what?” I ask before anyone else has a chance to speak.

  “She quit, Tuck.” Her mom rises and comes for me. “You broke her heart, and she’s done nothing but spiral out of control. I even went and spent a week with her trying to get her back on track.”

  “Stop.” Her husband pulls her back and she instantly crumbles into him.

  I’m left reeling from the thought of Blue quitting cheer with Nationals just a week away. There’s nothing that would stop that girl from cheering and kicking ass at it. It was her heart, life, and passion. It was everything to her, until…I collapse onto the floor as the realization of my selfish actions seeps through.

  I kicked her out of my life straight into her own personal hell without a second thought, and it all stemmed from my fucking insecurity. When thoughts of her lifeless body lying on the running trail flood back in, my mind goes into overdrive. I tear my phone from my pocket and dial Noah’s number. When he doesn’t answer, I try Lane, then Sophie, and then go back to blowing up Noah’s phone. He finally answers after the tenth time.

  “Dude, I’m in class, where your ass should be. What do you need?”

  “Blue. Go find her now.”

  “She’s not there,” Blue’s mom interrupts.

  I turn my back to her and try to focus on Noah since he’s probably closest in distance to Blue. “Go find her now. She’s missing and quit cheer.”

  “Oh, fuck.” His voice conveys his understanding. “Fill me in.”

  I hear some rustling in the background and then silence on the other end and know Noah just left class.

  “I’m in Colorado. Had a doctor appointment with her dad.”

  “What the fuck are you thinking, Tuck?”

  He’s pushed me to go back after Blue, but I never have. He knows about everything and still claims I was a fucking fool.

  “Just listen, Noah. She was supposed to fly in today, but didn’t show. She quit cheer and won’t answer her phone. Go to her dorm.”

  “On my way. I’ll call you.”

  My first urge after he hangs up is to throw my phone across the room, but in this moment it’s my only hope.

  “What’s going on, Tuck?”

  I look up to her parents, and for the first time really feel the floor of my world fall out. The time away from Blue was torture, but this has no meaning or explanation of my feelings.

  “She was attacked this fall on a running trail.” Tears stop me from going on. I keep them back and try to find my voice again. “That’s the weekend you guys were gone for fall break. I made her go to the hospital, but she refused to report it.”

  I feel like the scum on the bottom of scum looking into her dad’s eyes and revealing this information about his only daughter. A wave of anger passes over his expression, but doesn’t last long before he goes into saving mode.

  “Tuck, go find her. We’ll call the cops and campus security. Everyone stay focused.”

  He bolts from the room before another word is spoken, and I’m left staring into the pained eyes of Blue’s mom.

  “She was beaten.” Her words are barely a whisper.

  The pain is too overwhelming, and I can’t stop my next actions. I stand and wrap her up in a hug and hold her as she sobs, trying offer some sort of comfort.

  “I tried and tried, but she refused to get help or talk to anyone. I’m so sorry.”

  “Was she…was she…” Her voice trails off into sobs. “Did he…”

  “No.” I make her look up at me. “She was not raped.”

  “So, you’re the voice?”

  “What?” I step back from her, confused.

  “She had nightmares when I was there, and she would always say it was a voice that saved her and would wake her up from it. I knew the dark lines under her eyes and the way she trembled weren’t Blue.”

  My phone startles both of us as it starts to ring.

  “Noah.”

  “She’s not here. I talked to the security guard, and he claims he hasn’t seen Blue for weeks.”

  “Ask for Steve. Blue always felt comfortable with him.”

  “I talked to Steve. She’s gone, Tuck.”

  “Fuck, I’m flying back on the next flight.” This time I do throw my phone as fucking hard as I can against a cabinet, sending glass in every direction.

  “Tell me, Tuck, what did he say?”

  “Nobody at the dorms has seen Blue for weeks.”

  “Impossible. She’s been in school. She quit cheering, but told me she was still going to classes.”

  Chapter 33

  Three Weeks Earlier

  The letters don’t even faze me anymore, and text messages are long gone since I’ve blocked number after number. The dead mice in shoeboxes have been quite the romantic touch.

  I finally broke down and told the one person who’s been by my side everything. Steve. He’s checked in on me and made sure I had food or was leaving the dorm in time to get to class. He’s walked me to and from class when he has the time. Having him is the only thing that helped me keep my shit together while my mom was here, and I was barely able to fool her.

  Steve’s uncle is a local detective, and he’s taking me to talk to him. I’m still unsure about telling a stranger everything, but I’m at a point of no return.

  “Are you sure your uncle is a good guy?” I nervously rub my hand over the metal handle of the door.

  “Blue, I can’t reassure you enough. I still can’t believe the shit you’ve put up with. He’ll help you.” Steve drives his piece of shit Oldsmobile like it’s a brand new Trans Am.

  Steve’s physique and looks are far from that of a college student. One night he told me he still lives with his mom and hopes to make it out on his own one day, and that he’s currently working a side job to make extra cash. He may not be the knight in shining armor on a white horse to save the day, but he’s fit the bill for me.

  “Thanks again, Steve.”

  “I told you I’d always help you.”

  Steve pulls up in the front of a run-down house with missing shingles and a broken picket fence.

  “Are we here?” I ask, peering at the shamble of a house.

  “Yeah, my uncle works a lot and doesn’t have time to keep up.”

  Well, he could at least trim the grass, I think to myself, but when my gaze falls upon the broken windows, I begin to squirm in my seat.

  “Steve.” I look back over to him sitting in the driver’s seat, and for the first time I see those eyes again. The dark ones that attacked me that night. He places his hand on my shoulder, and the whole violent attack plays out in slow motion in my mind. Several times I will myself to stop, knowing very well it’s just my mind playing yet another nasty tr
ick on me.

  The sound of a door shutting grabs my attention, and when I look forward, Stephie is standing in front of the car.

  “Fuck.” Steve pounds the steering wheel. “She’s fucking early.”

  The next thing I know, he’s out of the car and rounding the hood on her. Her belly is the only thing I notice, and it was a lie because she has no belly. It’s flat, and she’s in the best shape of her life. I try like hell to count back the months, but everything is a blur since Tuck turned his back on me. I can’t hear them, but one thing is glaringly obvious. They’re in a whisper-screaming match.

  I focus in on Steve’s body movements, and it’s as if I’ve never seen him before. It’s clear that he’s my attacker. Vomit flows onto the floor all over my shoes, and then I begin to scramble for the door handle. My foot catches on the floorboard while the rest of my body tumbles out on the ground.

  I begin to run, but a heavy hand lands on my shoulder and knocks me to the ground. It’s the moment I’ve prayed for the last few months. My attacker has finally made his reappearance in my world and come to finish the job. Now all I want is one final glimpse of Tuck’s beautiful face and to take back my nasty last words to the only man I’ve ever loved.

  Chapter 34

  Tuck

  “I’m not fucking crazy and I’ll never stop the search, Noah.”

  “Tuck, it’s been over two months since we’ve reported her missing.”

  “I don’t fucking care.” The coffee table in the living room flies up into the air as I stand and look out the window.

  Noah, Lane, and Sophie all talk in hushed voices, but their words come through crystal clear.

  “He’s a mess and it’s time Joe comes back and takes him home.”

  “He won’t leave here until she’s found.”

  “We’ve looked everywhere. It’s only a matter of time before her remains turn up.”

  My fist flies through the window, not fazing my already raw, bloody knuckles. They’ve been raw since the day in Dr. Williams’ office. Punching and hitting are my only outlet when everything decides to consume me at once.