by Amira Rain
“What kinds of things make you resentful toward her?”
With her gaze still on her tea, Annie sighed. “More like what doesn’t? I know it sounds awful, but I’ve pretty much always resented her. I was about ten when she was born, and things were fine at first, but then when Jen was maybe two or three, and she started displaying signs of her ‘different’ personality, my mom just kind of pushed her off on me. I bathed her, I dressed her, I fed her and cleaned up all her many, many, many messes, like when she was five and emptied four full boxes of cereal all over the living room ‘for a joke.’ I missed a lot of teenage social things because I was busy taking care of her. I felt like I’d been made a mother at thirteen without asking to be, and I very deeply resented it.”
“It sounds like maybe the person you really should have resented was your mom.”
“Oh, I realize that. But somehow I just didn’t, or couldn’t. Jen, with all her wildness, and her messiness, and her illiteracy... I guess she was just an easier target to resent. And then after our mother’s death, I really started resenting her. I just wanted to run away, to go somewhere else, to forget everything, but I couldn’t, because I was all she had left. Then when I discovered I was a Gifted, I thought that my life not caring for her had finally begun. I was going to ship her off to some distant relatives and go off to my wonderful new life, but then, naturally, Jen immediately discovered that she was a Gifted, too, and the government’s agents thought it best that we were both assigned to Timberline. I’ve been working to keep her out of everyone’s hair, and working to keep her from injuring herself and others, ever since. She once accidentally zapped Aaron with a light beam while trying to show me that her beams are supposedly brighter than mine. She could have really hurt him.”
“I do agree that she probably shouldn’t participate in training again until she’s a little older, and I also agree that she probably shouldn’t operate hot oil fryers and things like that, but I wonder if maybe you’re underestimating her a little bit. Overall, she seems to do just fine roaming around the village on her own, even into the forestland, and as far as bothering people, I think people around here are more than capable of telling her if they don’t want company. I don’t think you should feel like you should have to constantly monitor that. And on a different note, I think Jen’s kind of having an ‘intellectual growth spurt’ lately. I’ve been helping her with her reading and spelling, and she’s really working hard and improving. In fact... here. Let me show you.”
Jen’s spelling notebook was still on the table, and I opened it to the page of her most recent test and handed the notebook to Annie.
“This is the test I gave her today, and she did really great.”
Annie began scanning the words written on the page, and to my surprise, after several moments, she looked up at me with her eyes just slightly pink. “She really spelled all these words correctly, unassisted?”
I smiled, nodding. “They were all her.”
Annie went back to scanning the page with her eyes becoming a little pinker still. “I do really care about her, you know. I do love her deep down.”
“I know you do. I can see that right now.”
“I just don’t know how to deal with her.”
“Well, just keep in mind that she really seems to respond better to praise and encouragement than criticism. I’m so, so not trying to tell you your business, but maybe just unexpectedly praise her for something sometime. Also maybe do something to really show her you care, even something little.”
Nodding, Annie looked from me back to the spelling test again, with her pink eyes becoming decidedly shiny.
And after a moment or two, she suddenly stood, setting the notebook on the table. “I’ve gotta go. Thanks for the tea, and sorry I didn’t drink it, but I just... I guess I just need to get home right now.”
Knowing that she probably wanted to be in private before the tears in her eyes fell, I said of course, and that I’d see her later. She was dashing out of my cabin before I’d even finished speaking.
Over the next several days, I continued to help Jen with her reading and spelling, and she continued to improve. A little to my surprise, she didn’t say anything about Annie doing any little caring gestures, but I figured maybe Annie was just working up to it.
I worked a shift at the bar by myself, I painted, and I attended three more training sessions, becoming stronger at using my gift each time. Also each time, using my gift seemed to take less and less out of me. After the third of these sessions, I was hardly tired at all, and Jim and I took advantage of this by making love until nearly midnight.
The next day, he slept in, meaning that he didn’t get up to join the morning patrol until six. While he showered, I got coffee and breakfast started out in the kitchen, surprised when he soon appeared clad in only a towel, and with his hair still dripping wet. I opened my mouth to ask him if anything was the matter, but something about his very serious expression wouldn’t allow me to get the words out.
CHAPTER 15
With his expression so serious he was actually almost frowning, which alarmed me a bit, Jim came over to where I stood at the island and took my face in his hands. “I have to tell you something. I love you, Avery. I think I have for a good little while now, but sometimes I let things rattle around in my head a while before I act on whatever it is that I’m thinking, or say whatever it is that I’m thinking. But then once I do decide to do it or say it, I feel like I don’t want to wait, and that’s what just happened to me in the shower of all places. I just realized that I love you, and I didn’t want to wait any longer to say it. I love you, Avery.”
With my heart swelling and my eyes a little misty, I covered his hands with my own, smiling. “I love you, too, Jim, and like you with me, I think I’ve loved you for a good little while now. I guess I just didn’t want to say it yet, until I was absolutely positive you felt the same. But tell me one thing...when you just said you love me, why did you look so serious when you were saying it? You looked almost like... like you were troubled or something.”
He still kind of did, and I just couldn’t decipher the look. The only thing I could think of was what I’d just said, that he looked troubled somehow, as if his love for me bothered him on some level.
Wincing, he took each of my hands and kissed each of them in turn before replying to my question. “Being that I’m already late, I do really need to get out and join the patrol soon so maybe this isn’t the time for the full story. But I guess I will just say this. I am a little troubled by the fact that I love you, but maybe troubled isn’t even the right word. The right word would probably be scared. And that’s because when I love someone, I become afraid of losing them, because I experienced a great loss in the past. I’ve long since resolved to not let that loss affect me in a negative way, and I’ve long since resolved to love fully despite that loss, but....” With a deep sigh, Jim turned his head to the side for a moment before looking at me again. “I’m struggling, Avery, but I’m not going to give in to my fear. I love you, and I’m going to love you fully. My past loss isn’t going to stop me from doing that.”
Deeply moved, I realized that my misty eyes had now overflowed with tears, and one was now sliding down my cheek. I began lifting a hand to wipe it away, but Jim stopped my hand with a little smile.
“Nope. Let me do it. I’m your tear-wiper from now on.” With the pad of his thumb, he wiped my tear away, and then another as it fell. “Now, no more crying. I have to get going, and I want to see you smile before I do.”
Still profoundly moved by what he’d said, I shook my head, sending another tear falling down my face. “I can’t smile right now.”
Wiping my fresh tear away, Jim gave me a little smile himself. “Come on, BB. Not even for your PB?”
Now I couldn’t help but smile, a very small one, anyway. Jim’s smile got a bit bigger.
“That’s what I like to see. I like to see my BB happy. Now, what should I tell my men about why I’m lat
e? Should I tell them that I slept in because I’m actually not a big, strong shifter, but am instead just a cuddly ol’ pudding bear who occasionally needs an extra hour of sleep? Do you think they’ll still respect me if they know I actually answer to the nickname of PB?”
Soon Jim had me not only fully smiling, but laughing as well. After we’d shared a few kisses, he then went to get dressed, saying that if he didn’t do it then, it probably wouldn’t happen for another hour, and then he’d really be late. As disappointed as I was that he had to go, I knew he was right in thinking that if we kissed any longer, it would surely lead to other things. As tempting as Jim looked in just a towel, and as good as the length of his long, hard body felt against mine, I was pretty sure I would have had his towel off and on the floor within a minute.
Once he’d dressed, downed half a cup of coffee, and had a few bites of a veggie omelet, he gave me a kiss and took off, leaving me to wonder about the great loss he’d suffered that had made him fearful of loving again. He’d almost made it sound like the woman had died, though he hadn’t given any clue as to how, making me think that maybe it was just too difficult to talk about, which I certainly understood. I, of all people, was no stranger to not wanting to discuss great losses and deaths. I’d never once in my life told anyone about the specifics of my mom’s death, not a friend, not a boyfriend, or anyone. I’d just never been able to. After it had happened, I’d told my grandparents what I’d experienced, but then I’d made it crystal clear that I never wanted to speak about it again, so we never did.
I decided to not do any pressing when it came to finding out about the great loss that Jim had suffered, because he’d recently stopped pressing me about certain things. Ever since I’d started participating in training, Jim hadn’t once encouraged me to talk about my mom’s death with him or anyone else, and he also hadn’t brought up the possibility of me fighting against the Angels, which I was still determined not to do. I could only guess that my joining in training had been enough to satisfy him, which relieved me immensely. Finally, there wasn’t any kind of a conflict between us; we both loved each other and now we were both well on our way to having a happy future together, maybe even a happy, very long-term future, I thought. Thought and hoped with all my heart, more like.
The next several days passed in a rosy blur of training, painting, tutoring, and spending my evenings making love with Jim. I began to think that I’d never been happier, and I began to think that I could be happy with Jim in Timberline forever. I got the idea that he was starting to think the same thoughts. He took me into Ridgewood for dinner one night, and when I’d been returning from the restroom, hidden behind a long planter filled with ferns, I’d overheard the mayor asking him if I might be “the future Mrs. James Duncan.” Without skipping a beat, Jim had responded by saying that I would be, if he was lucky, and he sounded completely sincere, not like he was joking at all.
This was also the same night that Jim presented me with a gift, a stunning emerald-and-diamond necklace that just about took my breath away when I opened the velvet box and saw it. A few days earlier, Jim had been near when I’d been admiring a diamond-and-emerald ring that Tasha had been wearing, telling her that diamonds and emeralds were my favorite stones. I hadn’t even thought Jim had been listening, but now I knew he had been.
The night of our dinner date, the restaurant had been packed, and all the women present had nearly turned emerald green with obvious envy when Jim got out of his seat and fastened the necklace around my neck. I’d just smiled, thinking that I had probably better get used to envious looks from other females.
During these happy days of new love, Jim never brought up the subject of his great loss again. Like I’d decided to do, I didn’t press him for further details even once, thinking that he’d tell me himself in time if he wanted to, and when he felt ready.
By my eighth training session, I had already become so adept at levitating that Tasha said I was honestly on par with her and the other levitators. “Maybe even a bit better than some of us. The way you were lifting today, it was like you’ve been doing it for years. You’re going to be a huge asset during the next fight, which is probably going to be very soon, from what I hear. I overheard Aaron and Jim saying today that the Angels have been so quiet the past week or so that they’re probably getting ready to try something big.”
Just then, one of the other Gifteds called Tasha over to try a special fighting formation that a couple of them were trying, and Tasha dashed away with a wave before I could tell her that I wouldn’t be fighting against the Angels, ever. It was just as well for me that she’d dashed off, because I hadn’t really had the heart to tell her anyway.
That evening, Jim held another council meeting, and I attended along with Jen and the council members. As far as the meeting itself went, things went smoothly. Jim just basically went more in-depth in regards to what Tasha had told me earlier that day, about his thinking that the Angels were revving up to something. Then, like at the last meeting, he and the council members discussed different fighting strategies and particulars. Even though I was now attending training sessions and had more of a clue what they were talking about, I didn’t jump in with my two cents at any time, just because it struck me as not quite right to do so since I wouldn’t be fighting.
Unlike at the last meeting, Annie and Tasha didn’t snip and snap at each other at all, and also, Annie didn’t say a word about Jen’s pictorial note-taking, even though Jen asked Aaron to repeat himself twice, and Jim once, because they were “starting to talk so fast that my fingers are starting to hurt just trying to keep up with all the notes,” as Jen said.
I noticed with pride that her note-taking was starting to become just slightly less pictorial, and slightly more word-based. After coloring a picture of everyone at the table, she added speech bubbles above everyone’s heads, then filled them in with words written in colored pencil. According to Jen’s notes, Jim was saying “Was! Are. Was have! Cool time.” I wasn’t quite sure what that all meant, since I was pretty sure Jim hadn’t said the word cool at any point during the meeting, but I knew that Jen had her own particular methodology for note-taking. The speech bubble above my head contained just one word: Qwyett, which I assumed was intended to be quiet. Her spelling definitely wasn’t perfect yet, though it was improving by leaps and bounds.
A few times during the meeting, I glanced at the table, recalling what had occurred on top of it after the last council meeting. Eventually, I just had to force myself to stop looking down at the table at all, because each time I did, heat kept rising to my face, and I was afraid of everyone present noticing and connecting my glances at the table with my pink cheeks, making them infer what might have happened after the last meeting.
Once Jim had adjourned the meeting, everyone began filing out, but he stayed back, and I did, too, wanting to walk home with him, of course. However, once everyone had left the room except for the two of us, it didn’t seem like he was intending to head home quite yet, though it didn’t seem like lovemaking was on his mind right then, either.
Wearing a very sober expression, he shut the door, then began heading back to his seat at the head of the table, raking a hand through his hair. “Why don’t we just hang back and talk for a minute.”
Instantly, I knew what he wanted to talk about. I wasn’t exactly how I knew, and how I was so certain about it, but I just knew.
“No, Jim. My answer is no. I’m not fighting against the Angels. Never. It’s not happening.”
Heaving a sigh, Jim sank down to sit in his chair. “I’m just asking you to at least think about—”
“Thought about it. Not doing it.”
“You’re strong, Avery. You’re a gifted Gifted. Tasha told me that you’re levitating even better than some of the other levitators now.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I began pacing along the side of the long table. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Well, it does matter. For whatever reason, you’re selling y
ourself short. You’ve convinced yourself that you can’t be strong and brave, and that you can’t help in a fight, and that’s just plain wrong. That’s you not living up to your full potential as a Gifted, and as the man who loves you, that bothers me because it’s a waste of your talent. Not to mention that the community needs your talent. With the Angels possibly planning some sort of a big attack soon, and with Alexis stepping back from fights now due to her pregnancy, we need all hands on deck now, particularly hands that can levitate sorcerers into the sky.”
Still pacing, I began fighting against some powerful emotion welling in my chest. I wasn’t quite sure if it was anger, pain, frustration, or a combination of all three. All I knew was that it was building, growing, seeming to spread from my chest to my entire body with every beat of my heart. In fact, whatever this emotion was, it had begun to make my hands shake, and my legs felt rubbery, like I was walking on springs. I had the strange feeling that something was about to hit me like a tidal wave, or rather burst out of me like a tidal wave. But I didn’t even know what it was.
“I thought we’d gotten over this, Jim. I thought we were finally going to be happy, with no conflict about all this between us.”
“We can still be happy. I love you no matter what, Avery. But I do feel like we at least need to further discuss—”
“No, we don’t. No matter what you say, I know I’d be of no help in a fight against the Angels. I know that for a fact. It’s not that I’ve ‘convinced’ myself that I can’t be strong and brave; I know it. I’ve already faced a situation where strength and bravery were required of me, and I couldn’t muster either of those things. I failed miserably. I showed my true colors, what’s deep inside of me, or what isn’t, to be more specific, and I’ll never forget it. I’ll also never allow myself to be in a position where other people are depending on me to be strong and brave, because I’ll never allow myself to be in a position to fail someone ever again, causing them to get hurt or even die.”