‘I’ve always wanted to do that,’ said the cop jealously.
‘Do you want a go? I asked magnanimously.
‘Nah, better not, maybe when I’m off duty.’
The boy looked up at the cop and said, ‘This crazy bitch attacked me,’ and then he spat out a bit of his front tooth. I must have done it when I palmed him.
‘Hmmmm,’ said the cop looking at me. ‘That’s not good.’
‘No.’ Up until that point I was thinking I had gotten away with my momentary madness. But a broken tooth? Shit. It just stunk of an assault case.
I whipped out my mobile and dialled Dinah’s number. ‘Don’t suppose you’re sober enough to go to work?’ I asked hopefully.
‘Just opened a bottle of wine, why?’
‘I have a little problem I was hoping you could help me with.’
‘What is it?’ she asked cautiously.
‘It appears I have broken someone’s tooth and well, it would be really good if you could fix it.’
‘What, now? It’s 6.30pm. Can’t it wait till tomorrow?’
‘Believe me when I say no.’
I heard her sigh into the phone. ‘All right bring them down. How far away are you anyway?’
‘Oh, about 15 minutes,’ I lied.
‘See you then.’
I hung up and looked at the cop hopefully. ‘Hi I’m Tara,’ I said.
‘Constable Turner,’ he replied, nodding his head at me.
Uh oh, I thought, CONSTABLE Turner. That’s not good.
‘But you can call me Eddie,’ he continued.
‘What are you going to do about my tooth Eddie,’ asked the youth.
‘You get to call me Constable Turner,’ Eddie replied.
I smiled and stuck my tongue out at the kid, who was sitting in front of us feeling the edge of his broken tooth.
‘All right kid,’ said Eddie, ‘this is your lucky day. If you didn’t have a broken tooth I would be hauling your ass down to the station and writing you up for graffiti to personal property. However since this lady seems to have accidentally broken your tooth, I’m not. What we are instead going to do is take you off and have your tooth fixed – at no cost to you – and then we are all going to forget this ever happened.’
The kid looked up at Eddie, then at me, and then he swivelled to look at my car.
‘Sounds fair,’ he said grinning.
Dinah was waiting when I pulled up twenty-five minutes later.
‘You said 15 minutes.’
‘Sorry, slight complication,’ I said.
‘What the hell happened to your car?’ She stared in dismay at the drying paint.
‘Graffiti artist.’
‘Did you see him?’
‘You could say that,’ I replied.
Just then, the cop car pulled up and Eddie climbed out.
‘Your friend is a cop?’ Dinah asked.
‘I never said it was a friend and no.’
Eddie helped the kid – whose name it turned out was Julio – out of the car.
‘You’re kidding?’ Dinah said, staring at him.
He did look pretty funny with the big cross on his face and bright red hair.
‘That’s not the best bit,’ said Eddie. ‘Hey numb nuts turn around. Check out what she did to his ass.’
Dinah stared at my big bull’s eye. ‘You did that?’
‘Uh huh.’
‘Wow. I hope that’s quick drying paint or he’s not getting anywhere near my dental chair.’
‘Thanks so much,’ I said to Eddie, once Dinah had finished and Julio had departed into the night. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’
‘Hey, it was fun. Maybe we could do it again sometime.’
‘What, graffiti a kid?’
‘Well if you want to, but I was thinking more along the lines of coffee, or dinner.’
‘Gee,’ I said suddenly speechless. ‘Hmm, that would be nice.’
‘But?’ he asked.
‘But what?’
‘The way you said ‘that would be nice’, there was a definite ‘but’ there.’
‘You’re very perceptive,’ I said impressed.
‘It’s the cop training,’ he said humbly. ‘I’m trying out for detective.’
‘You’d be good at that,’ I replied.
‘Thanks. So I’m guessing it’s a no to dinner.’
‘At the moment it wouldn’t be fair on you to say yes.’
‘Someone else?’
‘Yes. No. Maybe.’
‘It’s complicated?’
‘Very.’
‘Well here’s my card. If it becomes uncomplicated give me a ring.’
‘Thanks, I will.’
‘Wow. You don’t mess around,’ said Dinah after I had showed Eddie out.
‘I said no.’
‘Why?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I said sighing.
‘The competition starts tomorrow,’ Dinah reminded me.
‘I know. I don’t want to hear it.’
‘We’ll have to put a ban on that station for the next couple of weeks. Did you want to come over for dinner?’
‘Nahhh. You and Gloria have fun. I think I’ll go take a bath.’
‘You’re going to need one to get all that paint off your hands,’ she said grinning.
* * *
The small tearoom was crowded the next morning as we munched on an apple teacake I had accidentally bought on the way back from the bank, and waited for Sunshine Radio’s newest, hottest-ever competition. (The radio station’s words, not mine.) Turns out, I had been unable to resist the temptation to hear Matt’s voice when the others had suggested we listen.
‘Do you want to go Christmas shopping tonight?’ I asked Dinah, attempting to distract myself from the butterflies doing circuits in my stomach.
‘Done and dusted.’
‘What, wrapped and everything?’
‘Yep.’
‘Wow.’
‘Another one of the many benefits of dating a woman.’
‘Shhhhh,’ said Sue, ‘it’s starting.’
A smooth male voice on the radio said, ‘And today we have contestant number one on the line.’
‘How many contestants will there be?’ I asked.
‘Five,’ said Dinah before she was shushed again.
‘Contestant number one is there anything you’d like to ask ‘The King’ before he interviews you?’
‘Ummmmm,’ she giggled ferociously, ‘what size shoes do you wear your majesty?’ She giggled again, making me wish I could stick an arm through the radio and slap her.
‘Is she referring to the size of his…?’ I asked in outrage.
‘I think so. What size does he wear?’ Dinah asked me.
‘Shhhhhhh.’
Then we could hear another voice on the radio, but it was all warped and distorted, ‘Six,’ said the voice.
I burst out laughing and they all looked at me. ‘He’s an eleven,’ I explained.
‘Impressive,’ said Mark.
‘All right contestant number one, ‘The King’ will now ask you his three questions.’
There was a long silence, some static and then that voice, which I could not associate with Matt asked, ‘Why would you want to marry someone you don’t even know?’
‘Ummmmm.’ Contestant number one sounded confused. ‘So I could be his Queen?’
‘Good answer,’ said the chirpy radio announcer. ‘What is your next question for contestant number one?’
‘If you were to slip over in cow poo, what would you do?’
I gasped out loud but the look Sue shot me kept me quiet.
‘Dahhhh, is this a trick question?’ said contestant one, in a ditsy little voice.
‘No it’s not a trick question. Why?’
‘Well, it’s just that I would never go anywhere I could slip in cow poo.’
‘What? You would never go to a farm or a country where there were cows in the streets?’
‘Is
this question number three?’ asked the radio announcer.
‘Yeah, let’s make this question number three.’
‘There are countries where there are cows on the streets?’
‘Christ,’ said Rana, ‘where did they get this bimbo from?’
‘Well there you have it,’ said the announcer, trying desperately to wrap it up. ‘Contestant number one has finished her interview with ‘The King’. What did you make of her?’
There was a few seconds of silence before the announcer said, ‘We seem to have lost ‘The King’. Tomorrow at the same time we will be interviewing the lovely contestant number two.’
‘What’s with you and the disgusting cow poo question?’ said Sue, as she turned down the radio.
‘The night we got together I slipped over in cow poo,’ I explained, sighing at the memory.
‘You guys got it on while you were covered in cow poo? That’s some pretty kinky stuff.’ Sue sounded impressed.
‘No, I had a shower and then we got it on.’
‘Ooooh, that sounds much more fun than wrestling in dung.’
‘It was,’ I said smugly.
‘So what do you think he meant with the poo question?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Do you think he’d like her to slip over in poo so he can get it on with her?’
‘What, you think that’s his usual method of seduction? Take a girl somewhere there’s cow poo, wait for her to fall in it, and then seduce her after she’s clean? May I remind you the first time we had sex there was absolutely no cow poo involved.’
‘I guess that crushes that theory.’
‘I don’t think it was ever a theory.’
‘Maybe he’s trying to send you a message,’ said Dinah.
‘What sort of message would that send her?’ asked Rana.
‘That he’s thinking of her, remembering that night.’
They all looked at me, but I just shrugged my shoulders while I ladled more teacake into my mouth.
‘Too much to hope for,’ I eventually said, although it sounded more like ‘Ooo uch to ope for’.
I swallowed before asking, ‘Shall I get the pear crumble or the beesting tomorrow?’
The vote went three for pear crumble and two for beesting. I voted for the pear crumble so I was pretty happy with the result.
* * *
I didn’t have much time during the day to think about the radio competition. I was frantically trying to catch up on the three weeks of work I had missed, so it wasn’t until I started my Christmas shopping that night that my mind was free to wander. What had he meant by the cow poo question? Was he trying to send me a message? Was he comparing them to me?
It was distracting, trying to shop with these questions bouncing around in my head. I would reach out to pick up a toy only to find myself staring into space instead. Lil had kindly given me a list of suggested gifts for each of the girls as well as a list of Don’t-You-Dare presents, which contained anything requiring a large number of batteries or making an annoying sound. With her help I managed to find each of the girls a suitable gift, but I was too distracted to buy anything for anybody else.
I rang Nat as I was heading out to the car. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Lying in bed crying,’ she sniffled. ‘What about you?’
I felt a moment of guilt. I had been so self-absorbed with the radio comp and my own misery I had forgotten about Nat. ‘I’m attempting to shop, but I can’t keep my mind on the job?’
‘Thinking about cow poo?’
‘You heard it?’
‘No, Dinah told me. I had a deposition all day. I should have only taken the morning but I had to keep excusing myself to go to the toilets to cry.’
‘Do you want me to come over for dinner? I’ve just given up on the whole shopping thing. I can pick up something on the way.’
She blew her nose really loudly. ‘Can you pick up some ice-cream as well?’
‘What sort?’
‘Something disgusting, surprise me.’
‘Okay. And pizza?’
‘Perfect.’
‘What are you doing for Christmas?’ I asked Nat, in between mouthfuls of cheesy pizza.
‘Well, Ricardo and I were going to spend Christmas morning at home and then go to my parents in the evening.’ She paused to regain control and then sighed as she picked up a large slice of extra cheese pepperoni pizza and took a huge bite. ‘Don’t you just love comfort food?’ she finally said.
‘Yeah, but if I keep up all the comfort food I’m going to be the size of a house: today I ate three pieces of apple teacake. Do you want to come to Mum and Dad’s Christmas Eve and then go to your parents in the evening?’
‘Group Christmas function involving Tash and Jake?’ she asked.
I nodded my head. ‘Black tie event at the summer house.’
She smiled sympathetically. ‘Mum and Dad will be pleased to see you. Mum was complaining last time I was there that she hadn’t seen you or Dinah for ages.’
Thinking I had better buy her parents a present, I grabbed a notepad and wrote Mr and Mrs Green on it.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
‘Tonight was such an abysmal failure that I have decided to start a Christmas shopping list.’ I thought for a moment and then wrote Big Box of Chocolates, next to their name.
‘At least you’ve started your shopping. I was planning to start on Sunday, but you know how that worked out.’
‘I’m going again on Friday, do you want to come? We can help each other.’
‘That would be great. So what time is this competition?’
‘Ten o’clock, why?’
She typed it into her phone. ‘Just setting it up as an appointment so I can listen to it. It will help distract me.’
‘I doubt he’ll mention anything else to do with me,’ I said, secretly hoping that he would.
‘You never know.’
It wasn’t until I got home, had a shower and was heading to bed, that I noticed there was a message on my answering machine. I hit retrieve and walked to the kitchen assuming it would be Mum or Lil. Instead I heard Matt’s voice. It was hard to understand as it was breaking up, but it was definitely Matt. I raced back to the phone and hit replay, but be buggered if I could make out what he was saying. All I could hear for sure was my name and something about India. After about the tenth attempt at replaying, I gave up trying to work it out and sat, depressed, on the edge of the lounge. He had rung me, but what for? Was it to say that he was sorry and he could never see me again, or was it to tell me that he missed me and wanted to see me? I was just going to have to bite the bullet and ring him to find out.
Nervously I dialled his home number and got the answering machine. I hung up. I wasn’t ready to commit anything to an answering machine. Knowing me I’d get so nervous I’d end up leaving some mortifyingly embarrassing message like, ‘Hi it’s me. Umm that’s Tara. You know from India. Anyway ring me. If you want, or not, whatever thanks. Speak soon. Hopefully, but only if you want to yeah, okay, bye.’
So I tried his mobile phone number but got a message telling me that the number was currently unavailable. The word unavailable brought me back to my senses. Shit, the radio competition. It was real and it was happening. He was indeed unavailable to me. Angry with myself I hung up the phone and headed for bed.
* * *
I arrived at Lil’s with a tub of Baskin and Robbins chocolate and peanut butter ice-cream, which we hid at the back of the freezer so the girls wouldn’t see it. When they were finally all asleep we retired to the back deck with a coffee and the tub of ice cream.
‘I’m going to miss the comfort food when you get over all of this,’ said Lil as she licked some ice-cream from her spoon.
‘Don’t worry. Comfort food has become an important part of my life. I’ve had ice-cream every day this week.’
Lil laughed before saying, ‘So tell me about India.’
I sighed. ‘You might
want to get comfortable,’ I advised her. I waited till she had put her feet up and then filled her in on what had happened while I was away.
‘Whoa,’ she said when I had finished. ‘So your Matt, is ‘The King’ from Sunshine Radio?’
‘Uhuh.’
‘That guy is seriously hot.’
‘Tell me about it.’ I had spent a lot of time staring at the promotion boards that had been erected to advertise the radio competition.
‘This is the guy that jumped your bones in Udipudi.’
‘Udaipur. And yes.’
‘So why aren’t you all depressed and weepy?’
‘I was on Saturday.’
‘What just one day?’
‘And then on Sunday I got to spray paint a graffiti artist who had decorated my car and since then I’ve been feeling all right.’
‘Back up a little. Spray paint a graffiti artist?’
‘Hmmm. I guess I had better fill you in on that too.’
When I had finished she looked thoughtful. ‘That still doesn’t explain why you aren’t all depressed and weepy.’
‘I think that by acting on my anger, rather than suppressing it like normal, I’ve freed something inside me.
‘Tara, this whole acting on your anger thing….’
‘Don’t worry, I’m not about to become a raging, super aggressive chick that picks fights in pubs.’
‘Phew.’
‘When Dinah caught Creepy Doug in the restaurant with Tiffany and acted on it rather than walking away, she said she felt like she had healed something. I feel like that a little. Maybe I should have confronted Jake last year, but I wasn’t in a state to do it, so I don’t think it would have worked.’
‘Probably would have had a negative effect.’
‘Yeah, he would have had me apologising for making him sleep with Tash.’
Lil giggled. ‘Do you think that works? Dinah healed herself by confronting Doug. How can you fighting the graffiti guy have helped you heal?’
‘No, Dinah was healing her issues with her father when she confronted Doug.’
‘Oooohh.’ Lil pushed a wisp of brown hair behind her ear.
‘I don’t think it was really us using one person to confront another. I think it was more about us reseizing control of our lives, control we had given to another person.’
The Seven Steps to Closure Page 30