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by Wynne, Hilary


  I get some plates and utensils out and bring them to the table. We have an eat-in kitchen, so the table is right there. I grab the food Julian has taken out and bring it over as well. I notice there’s only one coffee there and ask him what he wants to drink.

  “We have beer, wine, water, Diet Coke, milk …” He laughs at my waitress impression.

  “Just water please.” I grab two bottles out of the refrigerator and sit down. He follows me.

  “Do you have a middle name, Alexa?”.

  “Rose.”

  “A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Julian looks up from his food and smiles at me when I thank him for the compliment. It’s the same thing he said to me when I told him my name the first night we met.

  “I’ve heard your friends refer to you with different nicknames. Which do you prefer? Alexa, Lexie, Lex, Alex?” I’m impressed he’s paid attention.

  “Well, Alexa always works. I’m kind of picky about who calls me Lexie or Lex, and nobody that knows me calls me Alex. I think you need to really know someone before you call them by a nickname. It’s a personal thing.” As I ramble this off, I realize I’m making it sound like I’d rather Julian not call me a nickname.

  And that’s exactly the way he takes it. “Okay, Alexa it is.”

  “You can call me anything you want, Julian. We have definitely gotten personal.”

  I try and play it off, but I can see he’s a little offended. I change the conversation, and pretty soon we’re talking about our favorite Cuban dishes and which restaurants we think make the best food. As the time passes, I’m less and less anxious and actually start to believe I can undo the craziness that happened last weekend. I wonder if we’re even going to talk about it at all. We finish eating, clean up the kitchen, and go into the living room. Julian sits down in one of the two armchairs there. It’s the one place I can’t sit next to him, and my heart sinks when I decipher the meaning. He doesn’t want to be close to me. I ask him to give me a minute so I can go change out of my work clothes. Plus, I need a minute to regroup. I change into a pair of khaki, drawstring shorts and a black V-neck T-shirt, take a few deep breaths, and head back out to the living room.

  I sit down on the couch opposite the chair where he is and tuck my feet up under me. I’ve made sure I’m as far away as possible. My walls are up, and I’m sure my posture is defensive. I can feel the tension seeping out of me. He lifts his eyebrows and shakes his head but doesn’t move or say anything about where I’m sitting.

  “This is a nice house. How long have you lived here?”

  “Shannon, Marissa, and I moved in about a year and a half ago. Shannon’s uncle owns it, and when the last renters moved out, he offered us an amazing deal. I actually feel bad because I know he could get so much more than we pay. It’s the perfect size and location for us, and we all love living here.”

  He asks me about Shannon and Marissa, and I tell him we were roommates in college and have been best friends for years. We make small talk about where they work and if they’re single, etc. I’m not sure he really cares about my friends, but it’s pleasant small talk. For the first hour, I was okay with the slow pace of our conversation, but as time passes, I’m finding I want to talk about us. I’m still unnerved by the fact that Julian is sitting across the room instead of next to me.

  After about a half hour, Julian gets up and asks me where the bathroom is. I point to the hall and tell him it’s the first door on the left. When he comes back, he finally sits next to me on the couch. He’s closer, but not close enough, and aside from the kiss on my forehead when he walked in, he has not touched me. It’s been close to 130 hours since he’s touched me. I counted when he went to the bathroom. What’s bothering me most is that he doesn’t seem to need to touch me like the first two times we were together.

  He stares at me intensely. “Your eyes are so beautiful. They kind of remind me of my own.” I can’t help but smirk as he says this.

  “Hmm. That’s an interesting compliment.”

  “You know what I mean; the color, it’s the same as mine.” As I stare back into his eyes, I do see they’re the exact same color as mine. They’re a dark forest green and virtually absent of any other shades. His lashes are longer and thicker than mine, which is just totally unfair. I tell him that I noticed the similarities the first time I met him.

  Julian closes his eyes for a minute, takes a deep breath, opens his eyes again, and then really, and I mean really, fixes his gaze on me. In his eyes, I see an invitation and a dare. He’s daring me to really see him. It’s like he’s opened himself up to me and is giving me a quick peek into his soul. I try to take it all in and memorize everything I see. I see lust, and I see the desire and determination of a man who’s used to getting what he wants. I see the skepticism and wariness of someone who has a very hard time trusting people. I see the pain of someone who has been deeply hurt by someone he loved. I see the same things I saw the night we slept together. I feel like I’m looking into a mirror, and I wonder if he sees the same emotions reflected back. I’m drowning in his eyes, and I have to look away.

  I hear Julian sigh and think to myself, Here it comes. Time to get down to business. At once I can feel the whole direction of the evening change and set out on a different course. It’s the proverbial shifting of gears.

  “Are you ready to talk now, Alexa? Because we don’t have to, if you really don’t want to.”

  I don’t think I’ve done anything tonight that has indicated an unwillingness to talk, and I tell him so.

  “Maybe not. But it’s so obvious to me you become extremely uncomfortable when the energy between us becomes emotionally charged. Can we talk about that?”

  “What is there to talk about, Julian? You’re right, and there’s no reason for me to deny it. You have witnessed my “uncomfortableness” up-close.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why are you so uncomfortable around me? Or is it me? I’m assuming it is, but maybe it’s just the way you are.” I want to tell him yes, Julian, it’s you and these intense feelings you’re stirring up in me that are freaking me out. Oh yeah, and it’s also because I’m a little screwed up in the emotional department too. But I refer to the song I sent him instead.

  “I thought you understood why I feel the way I do. I sent you those lyrics to help explain.” I think about the song for a minute and wonder if he really got the meaning like he said he did.

  “Those lyrics tell me you’re scared of getting hurt. Have I done something to make you think I’m going to hurt you?”

  “No, Julian. You’ve been great. Really. But I don’t know that the average person sets out to intentionally hurt another person. It just happens, and I’ve been hurt enough to last a lifetime.”

  That last part slips out, and I want to kick myself. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why did I say that?

  Julian tilts his head and asks quietly, “Who hurt you so badly, Alexa?”

  I think about my words carefully before I spit them out. I know I can say enough to satisfy his curiosity without letting him in too close. I’m super good at doing that. “An ex-boyfriend. It started great, and it ended very badly. But that’s a story for another time. We were talking about us.”

  The look in his eyes tells me he isn’t at all satisfied with my answer, but he doesn’t press me further. Bullet dodged.

  “Plus,” I continue, “You did tell me you were going to let me know how you were feeling.”

  Julian leans his head back on the couch and looks straight ahead. “Do you know that I haven’t touched you tonight because I can’t focus on anything else when I’m touching you? Do you know I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your lips and your tongue and your beautiful body since Saturday? I had to will my body to stay still and not pick you up and hold you when I saw you at lunch today. I didn’t even trust myself to shake your hand. I’m ach
ing to be close to you, to be inside of you. This physical connection between us could consume me.”

  Okay, that’s one of the most erotic things a man has ever said to me. My stomach flutters, and I feel a simmering heat rising up slowly through my body. I want to tell him I feel the exact same way and that I want nothing more than for him to touch me, but I sense he’s trying to make a point.

  “I’m not really sure what it is, Alexa, but something about you makes me feel like I’ve known you forever, and I know you know this thing that’s happening between us isn’t just physical. And I think that’s what’s freaking you out, and to be honest, it’s freaking me out a little too. It’s very intense, and I’m okay admitting to you that I’m a bit overwhelmed by it all. I just wish you would have stayed and talked to me about it. About how you were feeling.”

  As I sit there and listen to Julian give me his take on what’s happening between us, I’m in awe of his ability to be so honest and put himself out there. I draw on his strength and try to reciprocate.

  “I’m sorry I left the way I did, Julian. I regretted it the minute I told you I wanted to leave. But I couldn’t talk about what I was feeling then, and I’m not sure I can now either. Again, that’s why I sent you that song. But you need to know it was an incredible night for me, and it was wrong of me to ruin it for both of us.”

  He’s looking at me now, and instead of averting my eyes, I keep looking at him and continue. I’m doing pretty well here. “I have a very hard time letting people get close to me, Julian, and the walls I’ve built around my heart are very high and very strong. You have to decide if you want to deal with that because I’m not sure I can let you in.”

  He answers immediately. “I have no choice but to deal, Alexa. I saw that this week, when I was away from you. You need to decide if you really want me to get in, because I will. I have to. I want you in my life.”

  Julian didn’t lie when he said he had no problem expressing his feelings, and I’m so moved by his words. I just told this amazing man I had some serious trust issues, and he responded by telling me I needed to get ready because he was going to change all of that. I’m not even sure what to say, so I don’t say anything. Instead I lean over and place my lips softly on his. The kiss that follows is tender, sensual, and all lips. At first Julian keeps his hands at his side, but it quickly becomes too much, and he pulls me in close by putting his hands on the side of my face. I open my eyes and see that his are closed. His brow is furrowed as if he’s concentrating really hard on something. His breathing starts to get heavier as he slips his tongue inside my mouth. He licks the inside of my mouth and gently sucks on my tongue. I feel my core tighten, and the warm sensation that he elicits from my body takes flight and spreads its wings. I return his kiss in the same manner. It’s a passionate, deep, searching kiss and one that feels like it’s asking a question. Julian wants to know if I want him. This time I feel like I can read his mind.

  I pull back from him just a bit so he can see my eyes. I nod softly and stand up. I reach down for his hand. He threads his fingers through mine and stands up. I take the lead and walk toward my bedroom. He shuts and locks the door behind us and leads me to my bed. It was done very subtly, but it’s obvious to both of us that he’s in charge now. He just needed me to say it was okay.

  Julian slowly pulls my shirt over my head, drops in on the floor, and runs his hands down my back. He unhooks my bra on the next pass. He runs his tongue along my collarbone and shoulders as he slips the straps off. My bra falls to the floor, and Julian embraces me tightly. I pull away a bit and reach down to grab the hem of his shirt. I’m dying to feel his skin against mine. He lets me try to pull it over his head and laughs softly when I can’t reach. He does it for me and drops his shirt on the floor next to mine. He pulls me close and smashes my breasts to his chest. His skin is warm and soft. I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck.

  “This is the first time you’ve been barefoot around me, Alexa. You aren’t so tall, are you?” It’s funny, and I giggle back. Each time we’ve made out while standing up, I’ve been in four-inch heels or higher. The height difference between my 5'5” frame and his 6'1” frame is very noticeable now.

  “Well at least I can add this to my list of reasons why I need to wear such high heels.”

  He just laughs and kisses my neck. He lowers his hands and gets busy working on the drawstring of my shorts. Once he gets it untied, he grabs the waistband and pulls them slowly down. I help him undress me and step out of them. I’m naked now except for a black, satin G-string. Julian slowly looks me up and down, and instead of feeling exposed, I feel appreciated. There is nothing better than having such a beautiful man look at my body the way Julian does. He leaves my panties on and runs his hands over my bare ass. He cups my cheeks and squeezes as he pulls me into him. He groans into my mouth as he begins to kiss me again. His hands make contact with my aching nipples, and he rolls them in his fingers and pinches them gently. He breaks his mouth away from mine and places it on one of my breasts. He nibbles and licks at my nipple, and with every touch a jolt of arousal shoots through my body. I feel myself getting wetter, and I know for sure it will not take much for me to orgasm.

  While he’s enjoying my tits, I get started undressing him. I don’t do it slowly. I don’t have the same level of control Julian does, and I want him badly. I tug at his button, lower the zipper, and yank his shorts down in a fluid motion. He looks up at me and sees the determination and lust in my eyes.

  “Mmm … that’s sexy, Alexa. Can’t wait anymore, can you? I know how you feel. I’ve been dying to touch you all day.”

  And he isn’t kidding. He has a massive erection, and it’s right there in front of me. Julian isn’t wearing underwear again, and I decide this is another thing I really appreciate about him. It gives me easy access to his hot, hard body. I reach around and grab his bare ass and pull him tightly to me. He has started kissing me again, and when his erect penis makes contact with my body, he groans louder and catches my lower lip between his teeth. It’s just this side of painful, and an involuntary “ouch” comes out.

  “Lo siento, corazón. That’s your fault for grabbing my ass and pulling my dick into you.” He licks my lower lip and then kisses it gently.

  He pulls my panties off and finishes undressing me. We climb onto my queen-size bed, and Julian quickly gets me underneath him. One of my arms is above my head, and he nestles himself against me. This position allows him to lean his chest into me. He props himself up on one side and starts running his fingers up and down my body lazily. His fingertips slowly circle my nipples. He runs his hand underneath my breasts and caresses each one firmly. It tickles me and arouses me, and I arch my body up involuntarily, asking for more. I run my fingers through his thick hair and tug on it in response to the sparks shooting throughout my body.

  “Te gusta, Lexie? I love the way your body responds to me. It’s like you were made for me to touch.”

  Hell yes, I like that! “Yes. Please don’t stop.” I know I don’t have to ask. I know Julian will make sure I’m taken care of in every way. I see him shake his head before I close my eyes and let the feeling of bliss ripple through me.

  He continues his slow, delicious tactile assault on my upper body, and I start to squirm beneath his hands. The best part is that he hasn’t even really gotten started yet. Because this isn’t our first time together, I know what to expect and what I want. I can’t wait for his mouth to be between my legs. I hunger for his hard penis to be inside me. But what he’s doing feels so good that I don’t want him to stop that either. He hooks his leg around the leg of mine closest to him and pulls back, gently causing my legs to spread wider. He lowers his fingers and starts caressing the inside of my thighs. Up and down, up and down. He just stares at me while doing this, watching me with lust in his eyes, and I start to tremble beneath his touch. I’m feeling so needy. I want to come so bad. I reach down with my free hand
and attempt to direct his fingers to my wet, pulsating with anticipation, sex. If he just touches my clit, I’ll come. He intercepts my hand before I make any progress and brings it up over my head like the other. He lets out a little chuckle.

  “Not this time, Alexa. I don’t need your help with this. I know what I’m doing, and I promise it will be worth the wait, baby. I’m going to give you what you need.” He presses his hand into mine, leaving me unable to really move or touch him. “Can I let go? Can I trust you to let me do my job here?” His voice is teasing, but I sense Julian’s serious about being the one in control.

  I nod my head. “Yes, you can trust me to lay here and let you pleasure me. Sorry for interrupting. You may continue now.” I’m a smart woman. I quickly realize that the longer his hand is holding my hand down, the longer it’s away from my overheated body. “But I’d appreciate it very much if you would hurry up and get to the point.” Julian flashes me a wicked smile and goes back to stroking my inner thighs gently and slowly. Good God, I’m dying here.

  Not only is Julian taking his sweet time making me come, but I’m in a position where I can’t really touch him. I feel his hard-on against my leg, and I really want to stroke it like he’s stroking me. “You do know the sooner I come, the sooner I can touch you too, right?”

  “Alexa, you’re shameless. Are you trying to bribe me?”

  “Is it working? Because, if not, I can provide more details on what I plan on doing to you.”

  “Are you that desperate, Alexa? You really can’t wait any longer?”

  I shake my head no, and I’m being serious. I need him to make me come before I explode.

  Julian’s problem, if you can really call it a problem, is that he’s a patient, slow, unselfish lover. And in any normal situation that might be okay. But with me, it’s not. My problem is that the second he touches me, my body ignites with desire, and I just need him to be inside of me. The full body contact that comes from him being deep inside of me is the only thing that completely soothes the ache I feel. I know what he means when he says the physical connection between us could consume him. It’s consuming me right now. I’m starting to wonder how I ever survived without his touch.

 

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