Stay

by Wynne, Hilary

  “Were you expecting visitors?”

  “It’s Danny and Rafi.”

  “Oh, I thought they were meeting us at the beach. I didn’t know they were coming here first.”

  “Danny lives in the building too, on the third floor. He has a key. I need to remind him to knock first.”

  Julian gets off of me and adjusts his shorts, his erection still very visible. I shrug my shoulders and smile. I get off the bed and do some adjusting of my own. Julian calls down the hallway and tells them we’ll be right out. He walks back over to me and takes me in his arms again. He leans down and whispers in my ear. “I’m all yours, Alexa Reed. I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m all yours.”

  I squeeze tighter and try to hold back the tears that spring to my eyes. Oh my God. All mine. I hope he doesn’t mind telling me that until I actually believe it.

  Julian throws on a T-shirt, and we walk out of the bedroom hand in hand and find Danny and Rafi waiting for us in the living room. They both hug and kiss me on the cheek and act as if we’re old friends. They tell us they’re all set up down at the beach and we just need to come down. Julian asks Danny why they even came up.

  “Just wanted to make sure you were coming down, bro. I didn’t want you to get stuck in the house all day.”

  They both turn and look at me, and I’m sure I’m blushing. Did they think we wouldn’t be able to get out of bed long enough to get down to the beach? They really aren’t that far off. They did just interrupt the beginning of another promising encounter.

  Julian and I grab the rest of our stuff, and he throws his phone and keys into my beach bag as we head down. The conversation is light and causal, and I just listen as Julian catches up with Rafi. It’s great to see him interacting with his family. I want to know all of him, and this is a perfect way to make that happen.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  They weren’t kidding when they said they were set up. Umbrellas, chairs, and coolers are out, and Danny points to some chairs that are set up for us. I’m not sure who did all this, but I could get used to it. A pretty, petite brunette walks up, and Danny introduces me to Gabby, who I assume is his girlfriend. There are six people in this little beach encampment, and one by one they all come up and introduce themselves to me and say hi to Julian. They’re all super friendly, but I get the distinct feeling that either they’re surprised to see Julian with someone period, or they’re surprised to see him with someone like me.

  Julian takes off his shirt, sits down on his chair, and I follow. I take my cover-up off and put it in my bag. I catch Julian’s stare as I turn back around. His gaze is hot and full of desire.

  “Uh-oh. Tenemous una problema?” I know he isn’t serious, so I don’t panic.

  “What problem do we have, Julian?” My tone is teasing, and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say.

  “Well for starters, your tits look amazing in that top. Actually your whole body looks amazing in that bikini. I can barely keep my hands off you as it is with your clothes on, and here you are half naked. I’m hard and horny again, hence the problem.”

  “Phew. I thought you meant a real problem.” I chuckle a little and flash him a smile. “I can handle hard and horny problems. As a matter of fact, that’s my favorite problem of yours to handle. And by the way, I’ve been wet since the minute you walked out of the closet in those shorts.”

  I’m staring right at him when I say this, and I watch him grip the arms of his beach chair tightly. He needs to remember I’m pretty good at the sexual banter too.

  He leans as close to me as he can get while still sitting and whispers in my ear. “Stay that way all day, baby, because I plan on fucking you all night long.”

  Um okay. I feel his words between my legs, and I have to cross and uncross them and shift in my chair to try to calm myself down. My toes are actually curling. To make matters worse, Julian offers to rub sunscreen on my back, and I let him. The feeling of his hands on my back and my shoulders is intense and delicious and intensifies my desire. I grab the sunscreen and make him turn around so I can do the same thing to him. Rubbing my hands all over his body does as much for me as it does for him, and I’m not sure how I’m going to last all day without having him in me. It’s official. I’m addicted.

  I’m lost in my fantasies of Julian on top of me when two of his friends, Marco and Steve, walk up. They sit in the sand in front of us and chat for about fifteen minutes. When they leave, I sit back in my chair and look around. These people are eating, drinking, listening to music, and just hanging out, but I keep catching their glances as every single one of them checks me out. Nothing is overt, but I feel like I’m on display, and it’s making me feel anxious. I need to get a grip of this if I ever plan to be out in public with Julian without freaking out.

  Julian must be watching me closely because he grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly.

  “Just grab my hand when you start feeling overwhelmed, Alexa.”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “To me, yes. I’m getting pretty good at reading you. These people are family and friends and all good people. You don’t need to feel uncomfortable.”

  “Everyone seems really nice, but I kind of feel like an animal on display at the zoo. They keep giving me the once over like they’re trying to decide if I belong here with you.”

  Julian laughs at my description. “Alexa, there’s something you should know. It might make you feel a little better. They are looking at you, but not because they don’t think you should be here with me, which, by the way, is just a stupid thing to say anyway. They’re looking at you because I never—and when I say never, I mean never—show up to these gatherings with my close friends and family with a woman. I really don’t date like that. I haven’t in years, and nobody here is used to seeing me with someone like this. So yes, you’re a novelty of sorts.”

  Hmm … his words make my heart happy, but I’m reminded that he obviously has some serious commitment issues. We haven’t had any conversations about old lovers, and although I’m dying to know why Julian is still single, I know opening that Pandora’s Box will mean I have to discuss my past. I must have a pensive look on my face because Julian continues before I respond.

  “You look like you don’t know what to say to that. I’m guessing you want details but are worried I’ll want them too. Right?”

  I shake my head. “If the hotel owner thing doesn’t work out for you, I see a mind-reading career in your future.”

  Julian chuckles and squeezes my hand again. “Alexa, it’s not complicated. I’m pretty confident that you want to know me, and I want to know everything about you. And I will, someday soon. I’m not a patient man by nature, but I’m trying really hard not to push things with you. I don’t want you disappearing on me.”

  “I’d be an idiot to go anywhere, Julian.” I sweep my hand out like I’m surveying my kingdom. “Beautiful scenery, great set-up here, and the hottest guy at the beach sitting next to me. Life is good.”

  I think my compliment is going to earn me a kiss, but we’re joined by Rafi, Danny, Gabby, and Sonia, the girl Rafi is with. They pull up chairs, and we all sit there and chat about this and that. They ask me questions about my background—my job, where I grew up, where I went to school. They don’t ask anything too personal and nothing that makes me uncomfortable. I can tell they’re genuinely interested in knowing more about me. Julian sits back and does a lot of listening. I can’t help but think he’s observing how I fit into his personal life. He might also be hoping to glean some new information about me. If so, he will be disappointed. I’m not much of a sharer. Julian eventually gets up and heads to a cooler. He opens it up checks to see what’s inside. He turns and offers me a drink.

  “Beer, water, soda, or a Mike’s?”

  It’s hot outside, and I had those shots last night and not a ton of sleep. If I start drinking now, I’ll be asleep by
five o’clock. “Just water please.”

  He comes back with two waters and hands one to me. I notice nobody is really partying, and I can’t help but compare this group to the people Brady and I hung out with. When you live in South Florida, you spend a lot of time at the beach. At least we did, and whenever a group of us would go, there would be several coolers of beers brought with us. I’ve never been a big fan of drinking at the beach. The sun and the alcohol wear me out quickly. But I usually ended up drinking way more than I ever wanted to, because everyone else was doing it. We’d start early, and by four o’clock, everyone would be hammered. Nobody would stop until all the alcohol was gone. Sometimes people would throw up or pass out or both. Looking back, I’m so embarrassed by our behavior. We’d have to stay until someone was sober enough to drive home. It was usually me, or Luke when he was with us. More than once I had to help get Brady out of the car and into bed because he had passed out. I’m not sure how I ever thought any of that was okay.

  Julian leans in and whispers in my ear. “Where did you just go?”

  I turn my head, and his face is right in front of mine. I know he really isn’t into PDA, and we aren’t alone, but I need to touch him right now and bring myself back to the present. I put my lips on his and kiss him softly. He doesn’t pull away and kisses me back.

  “Somewhere I’m glad I’m not anymore.”

  Julian kisses me again and takes my hand. He squeezes it tightly as if he thinks I’ll fade away. I know he doesn’t understand why I check out like this, and he’s so incredibly patient with me. I wish I were able to explain it all, but in doing so, I know I’m not going to be painted in such a good light. I was a willing participant in almost all the bad stuff that happened, and I don’t want him to see me as that girl because that isn’t who I am anymore.

  “Want to go in the water?” Julian gives me an out, and I’m grateful.

  I nod, and we get up and start walking toward the shore. Halfway there, he pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me. I’m sure everyone is watching too. He doesn’t say anything. He just hugs me tightly. As always, I feel safe and protected in his arms.

  I pull back and look at him. “Thank you. I know you did that for me.”

  “Nope, Alexa, that one was for me. I have no idea what memories I’m competing with here. I just needed to remind you to stay with me here in the present.”

  As we walk into the water, I wonder how the hell we got here already. Both of us are nervous and vulnerable and unsure of what to do with all the feelings we’re experiencing. I know what my issues are but have no clue what’s making Julian act the way he does. We wade in up to where the water is waist high on me. Julian wraps his arms around me, and I reciprocate by wrapping my legs around him.

  “Hmm … this might not be such a good idea if you’re going to be wrapping yourself around me like that. I can’t be held accountable for my actions with your body pressed up against me like this.”

  I can feel his growing erection pressing into me. I giggle. “My bad.” I start unwrapping my legs from around him, but he grabs them and stops me. His dick is pressing right between my legs, and I can’t help but rub against him.

  “You are so bad, Alexa. I can’t slide into you right now because I don’t have a damn condom. Which by the way is an issue we need to address. I want you all the time, and because we’re exclusively sleeping together, we should be okay on that front, right?”

  I’m not sure how thrilled I am to be having the “safe sex” conversation in the ocean, but we do need to address it.

  “I’m not sleeping with anyone else if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Neither am I, Alexa.” His gaze is intense. “I haven’t had sex without a condom in seven years, and I’ve been tested.”

  This is a great opportunity to share something meaningful with Julian, so I take a deep breath and push the words out. I look over his shoulder and out to sea as I tell him my story. “Well, I’ve had unprotected sex, Julian. And the person I was with wasn’t as exclusive as I was led to believe. It was a year ago, and I’ve been tested twice. I’m fine, and I want to stay that way.”

  “Look at me, Alexa.” I look Julian in the eyes. “Someone cheated on you?”

  I nod.

  “Is that why you’re so reluctant to let me in? Why you hold back so much?”

  Uh-oh. What have I started here?

  “Yes. And that was very hard for me to share with you, so please don’t ask any more questions right now.”

  If he only knew the cheating was just the tip of the iceberg.

  “I’m sorry someone hurt you like that, Alexa.” Julian is looking at me with so much compassion in his eyes that it suddenly becomes perfectly clear to me he was also hurt the same way.

  “Thank you, Julian. I’m sorry someone hurt you that way too.”

  He tilts his head to the side and starts to say something. I put my fingers on his lips to stop him.

  “You aren’t the only one who’s good at reading signs, Julian. I see what you choose to show me. Actually, I probably see more than you want me to see.” Julian kisses my fingers and doesn’t attempt to contradict my statement. I guess we’ll dig into his past at some other time, and I’m perfectly happy with that plan.

  Once again, things have taken a turn for the serious. I’m starting to believe we won’t be able to stay away from the deep stuff for very long. We really didn’t finish the condom conversation, and I’d like to, so we don’t have to discuss it again. I quickly change the subject. Or change it back to the original topic.

  “So back to the condom discussion. You’re healthy, and I’m healthy, and that’s a beautiful thing. But as much as I don’t enjoy using condoms, I’m not ready for you not to use them. So, until further notice, I’d like to just continue to proceed with caution.” I try to make light of an uncomfortable conversation. We’re floating in the ocean on a beautiful day after all.

  Julian looks disappointed. “Okay. I’d never force you to do anything that made you uncomfortable, but can you at least tell me what it’s going to take to not have to ‘proceed with caution,’ as you put it.”

  It is a fair question, and I wish I had an answer that wouldn’t be insulting. It’s really hard for me to look at him and tell him I really don’t trust him, or that I don’t trust me or these feelings I’m having. He keeps telling me I’m the only one he wants, and I want to believe him so badly. But I can’t. I’ve thought I was the only one more than once, and after the scare I had when I found out Brady had cheated on me with multiple women, I vowed that not only would I always protect my heart, but that I would protect my body as well.

  I’m still wrapped around him, but I look out to sea again. I’m honest but succinct. “I need to believe.”

  He either doesn’t get what I’m saying or he isn’t letting me off the hook so easy. “Believe what, Alexa?”

  “Believe in this. Believe in you and me. It’s pretty simple, Julian.”

  He brings his hand out of the water and turns my face so I’m looking at him. “You don’t trust me?” He’s challenging me with his eyes, and I can’t help but see the hurt he’s trying to hide.

  “No. I don’t trust you, Julian. I don’t trust you, and I certainly don’t trust myself.”

  The moment the words leave my mouth, I know they’ve caused some serious damage to the foundation we’ve been building. Julian’s hold on me becomes almost nonexistent, and I swear I can see walls rising up around him. I hate that I had to say what I did, but I don’t know how else I can explain why I keep taking one step forward and two steps back. I unwrap my legs from around his waist and wiggle out of his weak hold on me. He isn’t even looking at me now.

  “I’m going to get out and get something to eat. Are you hungry?”

  Oh wow. His tone is cold and flat. I’m not sure what I expected, but it wasn’t this. Actually tha
t’s a lie. I wanted him to tell me I can trust him and that he would never do anything to hurt me. I wanted him to hold me closer and whisper I’m the only one and that he’ll do anything to make sure I know it. But he didn’t say any of that. He couldn’t say those words any more than I could tell him that I trusted him. A wave of sadness rushes through my body, and my normal feelings of anxiety start creeping in. As usual, I want to run away. I’m at the beach surrounded by his family and friends, and I have no car. I don’t see an easy way out of this. Damn.

  Julian walks out of the water just a little bit ahead of me, and I follow him. He doesn’t take my hand and I don’t reach out for him either. It’s probably not obvious to everyone we’re not in a good place at the moment, but I still feel like there’s a neon sign over my head with one of those pointing fingers. The sign is flashing: “Stay away … damaged … broken … not worth the trouble.”

  Julian walks to where the coolers are. He looks back over his shoulder and asks again if I want anything. I ask him to bring me a bottle of water. My stomach is in knots now, and there’s no way I’m going to eat anything. I dry myself off with my towel and sit down in my chair. I notice Julian is taking his time coming back to me. I feel very alone. I fish my phone out of my bag and send a text to Marissa.

  Alexa: What are you doing?

  Thankfully, she responds right away.

  Marissa: At my parents, why?

  Awesome. They live in Surfside, so she isn’t that far away.

  Alexa: bc I want out of here and hoping you would come get me.

  Marissa: Y?

  Alexa: I just can’t deal with all this shit.

  Marissa: What shit? Are you ok? What happened?

  Alexa: Emotional shit. I hurt Julian’s feelings and now he’s ignoring me. Whatever.

  Marissa: What did you say to him?