“Julian, as of right now, almost a year later, there’s only one person who knows everything that happened.”
Julian’s expression registers his disbelief. “Me?”
“Yes. You. You’re the only person I’ve told about the rape. Brady told Luke, but I didn’t know that until the other night when he threw it in my face. I thought if I kept it to myself, I could pretend it didn’t happen. I haven’t told my family, my friends, or Ellen. And nobody knows about the note. Nobody knows his death was my fault.”
All of this is pouring out of me despite my initial unwillingness to talk about it. I don’t feel anything when I’m saying it, and that’s the worst part. I should hurt, but I just don’t. I look into Julian’s eyes, and I see he’s hurting. This is all so wrong.
“I’m not going to pour any of my stuff into this, Lexie, but I do understand what guilt can do to you. I understand loss and death and keeping secrets, baby. I understand pain. The kind that consumes you and makes you just shut down.” Julian reaches over and gently laces his fingers through mine. I don’t pull away this time. I don’t crack or fall apart. I just tell him the truth.
“I wish I felt the pain right now, Julian. It would be better than not feeling anything. I don’t feel anything, and you have to accept that. I can’t do this. I don’t want to hurt you. You don’t deserve this.” I mean every word. I don’t want to feel empty.
He scoots closer to me, looks me right in the eyes, and asks, “Can I hold you, Lexie?”
Oh. There’s an emotion. Guilt. I feel this. The look in Julian’s eyes is making me feel guilty. Guilt is the last thing I want to feel right now, so I nod slowly. Julian doesn’t hesitate and pulls me quickly into his arms. He arranges us so he’s leaning against the bed, and I’m on his lap. He’s holding on to me as if his life depends upon it, and I can feel him trembling. This has been hard on him too. He strokes my hair, and a flicker of warmth passes through me quickly. It’s tiny, but it’s something. I take a deep breath, exhale, and lean into his embrace. Everything I’ve experienced in the last few days—the drama, crying, drinking, panic attacks, lack of sleep, running, and emotional stress—has taken a tremendous physical toll on my body. It’s almost one o’clock in the morning, and I’m drained. He isn’t leaving, and I just can’t find the strength to make him.
We sit there wrapped up in each other until our breaths become one. We don’t speak. I let everything he’s said to me tonight loop on repeat through my head. I try to steer his words out of my head and into my heart. He told me he loves me. I want to feel it. I want to believe it. I cling with desperate hope to the realization that I still want to feel. After a long while, Julian picks me up and lays me down on my bed. He lies behind me and pulls me toward him. He wraps himself around me as if to protect me. He doesn’t understand the damage is already done and that he can’t protect me from this. I’m grateful he wants to try though.
I’m so grateful that I force out the words he wants so desperately to hear “You can stay, Julian,” I softly whisper.
His response is also a whisper and a plea. “I’m going to stay, Lexie. I’m not going to leave you. You just need to hold on to me, baby. Please, just hold on.”
I thread my fingers through his and grip as hard as I can. As if my life depends on it. I hold on, and I stay.
Acknowledgments
To all of the awesome people who have touched my life and may see some of themselves in my characters, thanks for the love, laughter and great memories over the years.
To Michele M., my BFF: Thanks for always being there and knowing me well enough to understand what I need to hear. Your friendship means the world to me. Marissa is the kind of friend to Alexa that you have been to me for twenty-five-plus years, and I hope I did her justice. Sorry for having them do tequila shots without a napkin safety net … Kamikaze’s seemed a little outdated. I’m so happy you got past page 13, and I appreciate the help with the Spanish and geography. I know you lived in S. Florida your whole life … Thank you very much!
To Lisa H., my partner in crime who has loved and supported Julian and Alexa since day one: Thank you for listening to my stories and encouraging me to put them to paper. Thank goodness for long drives to tennis matches in Bailey’s Crossroads. I may not have done this had you not wanted more and had your toes not curled! Your support through this entire journey has kept me going. The tequila shots are for you. Love you, Hooka!
To Heather H., my word-nerd friend who kept helping me find missing words: Your encouragement was so appreciated. You continued to believe when I wasn’t sure and helped me back away from the ledge more than once. I would have been crestfallen if you didn’t like it!
To Becca SS, my cousin: Thanks for all your suggestions and for sharing your love of books with me. Hopefully the cover (number 58 out of 275) helps sell the book!
To Hannah SS, my younger cousin: You were right. Alexa is better than Alexis. If this series sells, we will talk names for my next book!
To Rachelle E: Thanks for test-driving a few pages, Rach. Hope the window stayed open for a little while afterward!
To My Bookin It Group: Thank you for your shared love of books and your support and encouragement. You all rock!
To Polly C: Thanks for jumping in at the last minute and giving it another pair of eyes. I just couldn’t do it again.
To Bronwyn & Alex at Standout Books: You’ve gone above and beyond and taught me so much. It’s a pleasure working with you and I appreciate everything you have done.
To my family, my heart …
To my kids, Lynsey–Jesse–Justin–Jake–Jared
To my mini-me Jared who changed my name on his phone contact info to say “the author” instead of Mom: You can’t read this book, but your support meant the world. Thanks for letting Mom follow a dream.
To Jake: Thanks for just being interested in what I was doing. I know that it’s not always easy for a thirteen-year-old boy to do that. Your constant questions and suggestions made me think. You have a heart of gold, and I love you so much. P.S. You can’t read this either!
To Jesse and Justin: Thank you for being so proud of me that you told your friends what I was doing. I’m always proud of you. Oh, and thanks for telling me that writing U in a text instead of you was not cool! P.P.S. You can read this book, but you may not want to. It’s not so mom-ish!
To my parents, sisters, and brothers: Thanks for always encouraging me to be the best Hilary I can be. I’ve always been allowed to spread my wings, and your support gave me the courage to try this. You guys have my back and I know it. I love you.
And last but certainly not least—to my husband, Jack: It’s hard to keep this to a few words. Your support and encouragement mean absolutely everything to me. Thanks for helping with the research and for sitting on the beach reading a romance novel. You’d do anything for me, and I do know it. You and the boys are my world, and I love you with all my heart!
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