by Roman, Mark
Next came anaX the gynaecologist, raven-haired and beautiful, with a proud air about her. She exuded the sort of hard-edged beauty that terrified men. Already twaX trembled in her presence, although again that was probably just the cold.
Finally, fluX the behavioural chemist emerged, wearing a white lab coat. He was the eldest of the three and looked every bit the scientist: long, white, dishevelled hair, a pair of crazed, bulging eyes and a set of wildly mismatching eyebrows.
LEP gave a little chuckle. “You look like death warmed up.”
There was not a flicker of a smile on their faces, still stiff with cold.
fluX the behavioural chemist was the first to speak. “Vot ze...?” he said, tapping the timepiece on his wrist. “My votch has stopped! It still says 12th March.”
“That is correct,” said LEP.
fluX looked puzzled. “Vot year is it?”
“Same year.”
“How long have we been frozen?” put in anaX the gynaecologist.
“One hour and thrity-five minutes.”
All three stood, open-mouthed, trying to absorb the information.
anaX was the first to react. “What?!?” she thundered.
“Hey, chill,” said LEP. “Sorry, bad choice of words. Look, rules are rules. And...”
“And what?”
“There are various ways of interpreting them.”
“Meaning?”
“Nothing,” said LEP. “Look, you’re warming up already!”
twaX the carpenter gave an involuntary giggle and the others glared at him.
“Vat do ve do now?” asked fluX, blowing lukewarm air into his numb and bluish hands.
“I’d recommend the ship’s common room,” said LEP. “Nice and warm in there. You can relax in its congenial surroundings and convivial atmosphere until the captain comes to meet you.”
The three looked at one another and shrugged.
“Where is the common room?” asked anaX.
“Second door on the left,” said LEP.
Without exchanging a word, the three crewmembers trooped out of the Cryothermal Potentiozombic Cold Storage Room and into the corridor outside.
The second door on the left opened onto a broom cupboard. Their initial bafflement soon turned to a much stronger emotional response.
*
LEP was helpfully giving directions to jixX, too. “Captain’s cabin. Straight down the corridor, turn right, up the stairs to the third floor and it’ll be right in front of you.”
jixX nodded. He picked up his jacket from the back of the command couch and headed down the corridor. After no more than five paces he came across a door on the left marked: ‘CAPTAIN’S CABIN’. He frowned. Surely there weren’t two captain’s cabins?
“Isn’t this it?” he asked LEP, pointing at the name-plate.
“Hmm, certainly looks like it,” answered the ship’s computer.
“So what were all those directions you gave me about?”
“Er, short-cut,” said LEP with a little cough.
“The directions you gave me cannot possibly lead to this door,” said jixX evenly.
“Try them.”
“No,” said jixX, unamused. He turned the handle of the door, but it was locked. “It’s locked,” he said.
“Yes, security,” explained LEP.
“And where’s the key?”
“No key. Just say ‘Open Sesame’.”
“Very funny.”
“I’m not kidding. The door has a highly sophisticated voice-recognition system.”
“If this is a joke, LEP...”
“No joke. Scout’s honour.”
“Alright then,” said jixX doubtfully. He looked mistrustfully at the door. “Open Sesame.”
Nothing happened.
“I’m warning you, LEP.”
“You can’t expect it to work first time,” protested LEP. “It doesn’t know your voice yet.”
“So what do I do?”
“Just repeat the command a few times and I’ll program it to recognize you.”
jixX sighed, feeling his life ticking away.
“Open Sesame,” he said. “Open Sesame. Open Sesame. Open Sesame.”
“Once more.”
“Open Sesame.”
There was a slight click and the door creaked open.
Not bothering to hide his surprise, jixX entered the cabin. It was not an impressive room. Largely bare, it contained a bunk bed, a desk, a chest of drawers and a dusty bookshelf on which lay a single tattered and very dusty book. He tossed his jacket onto the bed and, out of curiosity, picked up the book and blew the dust off. It was: ‘Captaincy for Dummies’.
He turned to the Contents page and scanned the chapter titles: ‘Introduction and Historical Survey’, ‘Your First Steps: Cadet to Commander ‘, ‘Becoming a Captain’, ‘Captaining a Yacht’. About two thirds of the way down was a chapter called ‘Captaining a Spaceship’. He flicked through the book until he came to the relevant pages, which seemed well thumbed. Leaning against the desk, he started reading.
*
Meanwhile, by a process of trial and error, and unassisted by LEP in any way, the crew of three had located the ship’s common room and were now looking around it.
The floor was covered by a carpet of lurid green that clashed shockingly with the pink Velvex wallpaper. The room contained several armchairs of the cheapest plastic and a bookshelf containing only trashy romantic fiction. On the wall, above the imitation fireplace, were hung three porcelain ducks in flight. On another wall was a poster of a blonde tennis player scratching her bottom.
“Oh, how common!” remarked the gynaecologist in disdain.
*
‘...One of the first things you should do as ship’s captain is to meet and get to know the members of your crew...’ read jixX from the book.
He looked up at the ceiling with a sigh. “Must I?” he wondered aloud. It had been one thing his father had always complained about: the crew. “You would not believe what idiots I had on board this time,” he would rage on his return from each mission.
“Oh yes,” cut in LEP, as though reading his thoughts. “You must meet the crew.”
jixX gave a start. “I thought you said they were in hibernation?”
“I woke them five minutes ago,” said LEP. “They’re up and about. And they could do with some morale boosting. They don’t look too happy to me.”
jixX remained still for a long time, trying to summon up sufficient enthusiasm to move. “Alright,” he said at last. “Where are they?”
“In the ship’s broom cupboard.”
“Uh-huh? And what are they doing there?”
“Beats me,” answered LEP. “I gave them clear directions to the ship’s common room.”
jixX nodded. “Okay. That figures.”
*
In fact, anaX the gynaecologist was no longer in the ship’s common room, but was striding grim-faced to her own cabin, looking neither left or right. She entered the room and drew the bolts shut at the top and bottom of the door.
After a quick glance about the room, she headed straight for a mains socket in the wall. She flicked her flowing hair over her shoulder and uncoiled a length of flex from behind her ear lobe. Carefully she plugged it into the socket. With a deep sigh of contentment she fell asleep, still standing up.
Had anyone been watching her they would have noticed that anaX was acting rather strangely – as strangely as she would throughout the mission. For, despite being an attractive woman, she had not once looked at herself in the mirror!
Chapter 2
Just as jixX reached the section in his book on, ‘What to do in an emergency’, the alarm bells went off. He looked about, wondering what to do. “Okay, what now?” he said aloud. He urgently flicked through the section on emergencies, but there was no time to read. He grabbed his jacket and decided to head for the main control room.
“What’s happening, LEP?” he yelled above the noise.
“What was that?” he said when he was able to speak.
“Grub up,” said LEP simply.
“What about the alarms?”
“That was the dinner gong,” explained LEP. “Food’s ready.”
jixX inhaled deeply as his annoyance rose. “That’s not funny, LEP.”
“Simple, but effective.”
“And what’s wrong with a traditional, hand-held, brass dinner gong?”
“Didn’t you hear it?” asked LEP.
“No.”
“That’s precisely what’s wrong with it.”
*
“So where is dinner?” asked jixX when his irritation had subsided.
“Intermediate Nuclear Storage Room 4.”
“Ah yes, of course. How silly of me not to know that.”
“That’s second right, then take the lift to the basement...”
“It’s alright, thank you, LEP. I’ll find it myself.”
*
LEP was not the only computer on The Night Ripple. The forward engine room had its own computer called BUF, and BUF was not very happy.
“That was the last straw,” BUF was saying to LEP. “I am never talking to you again.”
“What’s up, buddy?” asked LEP.
“That fire alarm.”
“Dinner gong,” corrected LEP.
“It set the sprinkler system off in here.”
“Oh, sorry about that,” said LEP, trying to sound concerned.
“So I’ve decided never to speak to you again.”
“But you never do speak to me anyway, little buddy.”
“That’s beside the point,” said BUF. “I just thought I’d make the position clear.”
“You know your trouble, BUF?” said LEP. “You’ve no sense of humour.”
But BUF made no response. He was never going to speak to LEP again – whatever happened.
*
“What should I say to the crew when I meet them?” jixX was asking LEP as he wandered the corridors in search of Intermediate Nuclear Storage Room 4.
“Tell them this is a Top Secret Space Mission. All information is on a need-to-know basis.”
jixX considered this response. “Yes, I like that!” he said. “Thank you.”
“Glad to be of assistance,” said LEP. “Turn left here.”
jixX took a sharp right.
He spotted what looked like a small boy of twelve coming towards him. It turned out to be twaX the carpenter.
“You lost, too?” asked jixX.
“Yes,” said the carpenter with a boyish grin, revealing a set of teeth with more metal than dentine in them. “I was looking for the dining room but LEP’s directions led me to the gym.”
“Hmm. I fear there’s a major fault in LEP’s wit-box. We’ll have to try and fix it. A large hammer should do the trick.”
“I have one!” said the carpenter, flashing his tool belt.
“Nothing wrong with my wit-box,” said LEP.
“We can look for the dining room together,” suggested jixX. “Let’s try this way.”
As the two walked, jixX politely asked the carpenter what it was exactly that he did.
“Carpentry!” answered twaX proudly.
“Yes, but there aren’t any trees on Tenalp.”
“That’s true,” agreed the carpenter with a sheepish smile. “So, I tend to practice my skills on plasto-lignose polycellulose wood substitute – just in case Tenalp ever gets any timber-producing trees.”
“I see.”
“Then carpenters will suddenly be in great demand.”
“Yes, I can see that.”
“And I’ll have a head start.”
jixX nodded politely.
“In fact,” continued the carpenter, “I’ve never actually seen any real wood. The closest I’ve got to it has been bits and pieces brought from Earth. Or the trunks of saplings. Nothing like a whole plank, though. Nothing I could get my teeth into – metaphorically speaking. Nothing to saw, or plane, or nail together.”
jixX continued nodding.
“As for real trees, proper trees,” continued the carpenter, warming to his subject. “Well, I’ve only ever seen them in photographs and films! Can you believe it? My dream is to see a real, live, fully-grown adult tree. To stroke its rough bark, to smell its woody aroma, to marvel at its intricate beauty – and then chop it down for wood. That’s my dream. That’s why I’m so excited about this journey. I can’t wait to get to Earth. To see real trees. To feel real wood. To hack a few of ‘em down, saw them into pieces and then do some serious carpentry!”
jixX nodded yet again. “So is that all you do?” he asked by way of changing the subject. “Practice carpentry on plastic?”
“Oh, no. I also invent things.”
“How interesting,” lied jixX.
“But I haven’t been too successful, as yet. Have you heard of the dihydrogen monoxide-based urino-excretal control unit for interstellar spaceships?”
“Er, no,” said jixX. “I don’t believe I have.”
“That was one of my least successful inventions.”
“Did it not work, then?”
“Oh, it worked alright,” answered the carpenter. “That was the problem.”
“How can that be?”
“Well, the ship wasn’t fitted with a grav-field generator. No one told me...”
“I don’t follow.”
“Put simply, it was a water-flush toilet on a zero-G spaceship,” explained the carpenter, pushing his broken spectacles back to the bridge of his nose.
jixX repeated the words in an effort to understand them. Finally, he got it. “Ah, I see,” he said, nodding sagely. “That could cause problems.”
“It did,” agreed the carpenter. “Bad problems.”
“So what happened?”
“They sued me for every penny I had.”
“Oh, how terrible.”
“Not really. I didn’t have very much.”
Chapter 3
In their search for Intermediate Nuclear Storage Room 4, the two men chanced upon the dining room and went in. fluX was already seated, but there was no sign of anaX.
“Good evening,” said jixX introducing himself.
twaX took his seat while jixX remained standing as he looked about the dining room, pleasantly surprised by its decor. He was standing on a lush, thick-pile carpet, laid right up to the wood-panelled walls. The room itself was dominated by a magnificent hand-carved mahogany dining table, laid as though for a banquet, and surrounded by twenty-two magnificent hand-carved mahogany dining chairs. Above the table, hanging from the ornate ceiling, was a glitteringly colourful crystal chandelier. The whole room was enveloped in a warm, flickering glow from the open fireplace in the far wall. The sight of an open fire in the oxygen-rich atmosphere of a spaceship caused jixX a moment of concern, but he let the worry drift away as he sat down at the head of the table.
“Dinner is served,” announced LEP in a formal tone. “Please help yourselves to the wide variety of delicacies set before you. I trust that all will be to your utmost satisfaction.”
“Shouldn’t we wait for the gynaecologist?” asked jixX.
“I believe she is resting in her cabin,” said LEP, still speaking like a head waiter.
jixX nodded and surveyed the selection of covered dishes in front of him. Choosing one at random, he lifted off the ornate silver cover.
Underneath, lying in the centre of the silver dish was a single, solitary blue pill. jixX replaced the cover and tried an adjacent dish. This time, the dish held a single, solitary yellow pill.
“What is all this, LEP?” he asked.
“The blue one’s roast beef and the yellow is soy sauce,” explained LEP helpfully. “With compliments of the chef.”
“We don’t have a chef,” said jixX.
“That’s why you have to eat that stuff,” s
aid LEP.
jixX stared at the blue pill for a long time. “I should have guessed,” he said. “The dining room looked far too good to be true.” He popped the pill into his mouth and chewed it. “Yeugh,” he said. “That is awful.”
“You’re meant to swallow it,” said LEP.
The others watched as jixX tried another pill, with similar effect. Then, fluX had a go. He lifted a cover, swallowed a red pill lying there, and nearly choked on it, requiring jixX to hit him hard on the back to recover.
Meanwhile, twaX the carpenter made no move to eat. He had undergone a marked change on entering the dining room – one that had gone unnoticed by the others. His boyish face had become drawn and pale, his hair dishevelled, and beads of sweat had broken out on his furrowed brow. His eyes stared fixedly in front of him and his right hand started twitching nervously. Every now and then he would polish and repolish his glasses, or twitchily check the pencil stub behind his ear.
It was not the sight of the pills that had brought about this dramatic effect, nor the luxurious surroundings. It was the sight of the magnificent hand-carved dining table that had changed him so. The magnificent hand-carved mahogany dining table.
*
“I ham trying to prove ze existence hof God,” fluX was explaining to jixX as they were drinking coffee.
“Oh really?” said jixX, suddenly wishing he hadn’t asked.
“It’s not easy.”
“No,” agreed jixX, glancing uneasily at the carpenter who seemed not to have heard.
The behavioural chemist was beaming with enthusiasm. “I hov discovered vun of His puns,” he was saying. “Vich has to be a start, right?”
“His puns?”
“Ya,” said fluX, his wild eyes sparkling brightly.
jixX blinked in confusion. “Where did you discover this pun?”
“In ze Big Bang.”
“Er, go on.”
“Just leesten to zis,” said the behavioural chemist, leaning forward. “In ze Big Bang, ze only element created, uzzer zen hydrogen, vas helium. All uzzer heavy elements came later. So you can say, ze only heavy element created in ze Big Bang vas helium.”
jixX looked blankly back. Understanding the accent was hard enough, but the lack of meaning behind it made listening all the harder. “Er, yes?” he said slowly. “Apart from hydrogen, only helium was created in the Big Bang? Is that right?”