by Roman, Mark
“Well,” said the Mamm alien.
“Indeed,” said jixX.
The slimy green blob looked about him again. He started humming a tune, but then stopped. Finally, he said, “I expect you’d like me to take you to my leader.”
“Er, yes,” said jixX, brightening up. “That would be... er... good.”
*
Silence.
“His name is Sir Roderick,” offered Chris.
jixX nodded politely. “Well I’m looking forward to meeting him. Shall we go?”
“Wait,” said sylX. “I need to change.”
“Yes, of course,” said jixX, slapping himself on the forehead. “We’ll need spacesuits. LEP?”
“No,” sylX was saying. “I rather had my blue evening dress in mind.”
jixX gave her a funny look.
“And I need to fix my hair. Put on a little make-up. This is a historic meeting, captain. We’ll need to take photographs for posterity. And you might want to change out of your pyjamas and dressing gown.”
“Ah, yes,” said jixX. “But we’ll need spacesuits. We don’t even know if the air outside is safe to breathe.” He pointed towards one of the remaining, undamaged, observation windows.
“Fresh air never killed anybody,” piped up Chris.
They all looked at him in surprise. It was the sort of thing LEP might have said.
“LEP?” asked jixX, hoping for a computer-processed verdict.
“He’s right, you know,” said LEP with a chuckle.
jixX sighed. “Alright, we’ll go and get ourselves ready. Is that okay with you, Chris?”
“Fine by me,” said Chris.
“Won’t be long,” said jixX as the three of them left the room.
*
The slimy green blob remained standing in the middle of the floor in the main control room, pulsating rhythmically to itself.
There was a long silence.
“Do you play chess?” asked LEP hopefully.
“I beg your pardon?” said Chris.
“Never mind.”
*
In the corridor anaX put a hand to jixX’s arm and halted him.
“I hope you don’t mind if I stay behind,” she said when sylX had gone out of earshot.
“Anything the matter?” asked jixX, concerned.
The gynaecologist put a hand to her brow. “Just a bit of a headache.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I expect LEP will tell you where the aspirins are.”
anaX gave a little smile at this and wished him luck. Then, with a mysterious twitch of her mouth, she turned and went off towards her cabin.
No sooner had she entered than she was reaching under her bed and pulling out a small plasderm suitcase. From the suitcase, she took a box, which she opened to reveal 25 low-reactance, three-phase, high-Q batteries.
She tipped the batteries out onto her bed and then, one by one, tested them against the tip of her tongue. The four she considered to be the best she placed in her shoulder bag. The rest she replaced in the box, which she put back into the plasderm suitcase. Then, from the suitcase she carefully removed an object that looked almost exactly like a small, hand-held hairdryer. Indeed, once it had been a small, hand-held hairdryer. But now it was one of the deadliest weapons of mass destruction known to man – a neutrino bomb.
Gingerly, she placed the neutrino bomb in her shoulder bag. Then she closed the small plasderm suitcase and slid it back under her bed. She stood up and, without so much as a glance at herself in the mirror, slung the shoulder bag over her left shoulder and left the room.
Anyone watching her would have been surprised by the strangeness of her actions. As everyone surely knows, one should never test low-reactance, three-phase, high-Q batteries against the tip of one’s tongue!
*
As he returned from his cabin, having changed out of his pyjamas, jixX found himself outside fluX’s cabin. He was about to knock on the door when... he didn’t. He indecisively waved his fist about in the air a few times before putting it back in his pocket. He turned and started tiptoeing away from the door, trying to look casual.
“Ahem,” said LEP
“Er,” said jixX guiltily. “He’s not in his room.”
“Oh yes he is.”
“Is he?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I don’t want to disturb him. I expect he’s busy proving the existence of God.”
“It’s your duty as captain to take an interest in what your crewmembers are doing,” said LEP. “Chapter XII, page 120, paragraph 3 of ‘Captaincy for Dummies’. Surely you’ve read it, sir.”
“And you, as ship’s computer, should provide requisite computational assistance to the crew,” countered jixX. “Such as performing any calculations they request? I bet that’s in some rule-book somewhere.”
LEP didn’t answer, so jixX presumed his guess had hit the mark.
“Anyway,” continued jixX, setting off in the direction of the main control room. “I think I should be getting back to our alien guest. It was very rude of us to leave him all alone with you.”
“You’re dead right it was,” said LEP. “He’s very boring. And he’s making an awful mess on the floor.”
jixX laughed.
“Oh, by the way,” said LEP. “There’s a staff matter I need to inform you about. twaX the carpenter’s gone.”
“Gone?”
“He left the ship about ten minutes ago.”
“But why?”
“No idea?”
“Which way did he go?”
“The last time I saw him he was running off into the distance, waving his axe over his head and muttering wildly to himself.”
jixX came to a stop. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Dock his pay.”
“Very funny.”
“There’s also a court martial to consider,” continued LEP. “Desertion, dereliction of duty, possession of a deranged mind …”
jixX ignored him and continued down the corridor. As he approached the main control room he had to avoid stepping on the green slimy patches on the floor. The door swished open in front of him and he went in. Suddenly he felt nervous. He realised that this was supposed to be a momentous, historic meeting of alien cultures, yet he couldn’t think of anything momentous or historic to say or do.
Chapter 6
“Hello again,” said Chris brightly as jixX entered the main control room.
“Hello,” said jixX with a forced smile, forgetting all the important and momentous things that he’d been formulating in his mind. “Er, has LEP been keeping you entertained?”
Chris remained tactfully silent while LEP gave a little cough. “I’ve been running some neurotrophic alpha-wave decay tests,” said the ship’s computer in his own defence.
jixX nodded but said nothing. Chris stared back at him, but said nothing.
jixX gave the slimy green blob a weak smile and turned to address LEP. “And, er, what results did you get?”
“Pardon?” asked LEP.
“From your tests.”
“Ah,” said LEP. “Inconclusive.”
jixX nodded again and turned back to Chris.
Silence.
jixX wracked his brains for something to say to the alien, but nothing came. He groped about in his mind for a suitable topic of conversation.
Silence.
“Looks like rain,” said Chris at long last, finally breaking the tension in the room.
But neither LEP nor jixX could think of an answer, so the tension renewed.
“I could be wrong, though,” said Chris.
Silence again.
“Hard to tell, really.”
The tension mounted once more.
Then, just as jixX was about to ask a particularly banal question about the weather he was saved by the swish of the door opening. He turned to see sylX enter, with fluX in her wake.
“We’re ready,” said sylX, looking quite stunning in her blue, low-cut evening dr
ess and high-heeled shoes.
fluX the behavioural chemist, looking far less stunning, was standing in the doorway, staring and pointing at Chris. “Is zat ze alien?” he asked, still pointing.
No one answered as it seemed a particularly dumb question for a trained scientist to ask.
“Ze green blob,” he continued. “Is zat it?”
*
sylX stepped towards Chris and leaned down to hand him a small metal plaque. “Before we start,” she said, speaking in a serious and dignified tone. “I’d like you to accept this on behalf of all Humankind. It is a token expressing our peaceful intentions and extending a hand of friendship to you and your kind.”
“Why thank you,” said Chris, taken aback. “This is most unexpected.” He extended a limb of slime out of his body and took the plaque, eyeing it appreciatively. He read out the engraved message. It was a moving statement, signed by the Governor of Earth and by TOT, the Transcendental Overlord of Tenalp.
jixX looked astonished, wondering where the stowaway had got hold of such a plaque. He was also rather amazed at her presumptuousness in presenting it.
“I’m overwhelmed,” said Chris, looking from sylX to fluX and finally to jixX. “What can I say?” Then he cast his eyes down. “I’m afraid I didn’t bring anything for you.”
“Don’t worry about that,” said sylX reassuringly. “All we ask for is your friendship.”
“You got it!” said Chris with a huge grin. He took one last look at the plaque before retracting the limb of slime back into his slimy body, hiding the plaque within it.
jixX stood open-mouthed, eyeing sylX resentfully. He wondered how this stowaway, this unlawful traveller, this uninvited passenger was getting all the best lines? His eyes cast about the control room and settled on the spruce.
“Also,” he started as he made his way to the potted plant. “We would like to offer you this fine dwarf Alberta spruce.” He indicated it with his hands.
Chris eyed the spruce unenthusiastically. “If it’s all the same to you,” he said, “I won’t.”
*
“Shall we go then?” asked sylX, breaking the embarrassing silence.
“I’m ready,” said Chris, suddenly all smiles.
“Alright,” said the stowaway. “Take us to your leader!”
jixX looked daggers at her.
She smiled sweetly back.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked LEP as they started moving towards the door.
“Goodbye, LEP,” said jixX. “We’ll send you a postcard.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“A souvenir? We’ll bring you back a piece of rock.”
“The Tenalp flag.”
jixX stopped and turned. “What?”
“Regulations,” said LEP. “The Skyway Code says you need to plant the Tenalp flag to claim the planet as ours.”
“But it isn’t ours,” said jixX.
“That’s the whole point, cap’n. That’s the whole point of claiming it.”
“He’s right,” said sylX.
jixX gave her an annoyed look. Then he looked down at the slimy green blob on the floor. “Would your...,” he hesitated, looking for the right word, “...people...,” he added, having failed to find it, “mind if we were to plant our flag on your planet?”
“We would consider it an honour,” said Chris.
“Thank you, Chris.” Then to LEP, “Alright, where is it?”
“On your left,” replied LEP. “Second drawer down.”
jixX turned to the cabinet on his left and opened the second drawer down. It was empty.
Without flinching or saying a word he calmly tried a few of the other drawers until he found it. It was no more than six inches in height; bottom half white, top half black. He held it up and waved it to and fro for the others to see.
“It won’t be the most awe-inspiring of sights, will it,” he muttered.
“Ah,” put in LEP profoundly. “But think of the symbolism.”
jixX laughed. “Such as?”
“A black rectangle above a white one.”
*
“Oh, and you’ll need the planofocal, image-intensifying camera and the audiovocal, long-range, crystal-diode transceiver,” added LEP.
jixX opened a few more drawers until he found what looked like a rusty camera and a damaged walkie-talkie. Both were positively ancient and weighed a ton.
“Masterpieces of micro-miniaturization,” jixX muttered as he struggled to get them out of the drawer. “Okay, let’s go,” he said at last.
“Right,” said Chris. “Walk this way.” He slid slimily along the floor to the door. The three humans followed him.
As they walked along the passage behind him they took care not to step in his green, slimy trail. sylX asked jixX, “Where’s the rest of the crew?”
“The gynaecologist’s not feeling very well and the carpenter seems to have gone AWOL,” answered jixX, still struggling with the heavy planofocal, image-intensifying camera and the even heavier audiovocal, long-range, crystal-diode transceiver.
“I take it you’ve crossed him off the crew register and stopped his pay,” said the stowaway, looking at him pointedly.
“Of course,” lied jixX.
“Standard procedure.”
“I am aware of that,” he said as calmly as he could.
They reached the airlock and filed out of The Night Ripple.
“Farewell and good luck,” said LEP. Then, as jixX was about to go through the door, he said, “Psst, cap’n.”
“Yes, LEP?”
“You know why anaX is staying behind on the ship, don’t you,” he whispered.
“Yes,” said jixX, wondering why LEP was whispering. “Because she has a headache.”
“No, that’s not it.”
“It’s not?”
“No, she has an ulterior motive.”
“Does she?”
“And she’s been behaving very strangely ever since she came on board.”
“So?”
“It’s obvious.”
jixX pondered for a moment, unable to think of anything obvious at all. “All right, why, then?” he asked finally.
“She fancies me.”
jixX gave a snort. “She what?” He blinked as though dazzled by a bright light.
“A guy can tell these things,” continued LEP. “It’s the way she looks at me.”
“I see,” said jixX, feeling an even stronger urge to leave than before.
“And now she just wants to be left alone with me,” LEP was saying. “And who can blame her? Here she is, an attractive woman stuck on a spaceship with no desirable males …”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. And the only suitable macho character is a ship’s computer with an amazing personality and a fantastic sense of humour. Can she help but fall madly in love?”
“No, I guess not,” said jixX, humouring him.
“But don’t be jealous,” said LEP. “I think you’re in with a chance with the other one.”
“The stowaway?” said jixX, stunned by the very idea. “Are you kidding? That woman’s got to be one of the most annoying people I’ve ever met.”
“Just your type, then.”
“Anyone would think she’s after my job!”
“If she were, she’d get my vote,” said LEP. “On account of being more experienced, more widely travelled and far better looking.”
“Thanks for your support.”
“Don’t mention it,” said LEP. “But, don’t worry. You two will make a great couple.”
Chapter 7
anaX strode down the corridor towards the forward engine room with an expression of grim determination on her face. She clutched her shoulder bag to her breast, though not too tightly as she feared her pounding heart might trigger the neutrino bomb inside. She stopped at the door of the engine room and looked about her furtively – first left, then right, then behind her. Satisfied that no one was wa
tching, she opened the door and went in.
If anyone had been watching her at that moment, they would have been surprised by the strangeness of her behaviour. For, she had totally ignored all the large, garishly coloured, and blatantly visible, warning signs on the door, which said:
‘PRIVATE’
‘KEEP OUT’
‘NO ADMITTANCE TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL’
‘DANGER – RADIATION’
‘ACRYLO-HERMETIC LABCOATS MUST BE WORN: THAT MEANS YOU!’
But, most significantly, she had failed to take heed of the sign that said ‘MIND THE STEP’ and had tripped and fallen headlong, dropping the sensitive bomb to the floor...
*
“This way, please,” said Chris, leading his three companions away from The Night Ripple.
As they walked, jixX surveyed the landscape. Except, there wasn’t any. The land was black and absolutely flat all the way to the horizon, in all directions. No features, no landmarks, nothing. To jixX’s professional eye it presented an incredible landscaping opportunity. “Is it far?” he asked Chris, covering his nose against the smell of the planet’s noxious atmosphere.
“Yes, a long way,” said Chris. “But don’t worry, we’re going by ‘pulse’. It’s our wave-powered form of transport.”
“Wave powered,” said sylX, impressed. She, too, put her hand to her nose.
Chris slid on and they continued to follow. jixX was still struggling with the heavy equipment he was carrying. He kept glancing at sylX in her blue evening dress and high-heeled shoes. Meanwhile, fluX, walking a short way behind them, was looking troubled.
After several minutes of trekking across the flat, black ground, when the glistening hull of The Night Ripple looked little more than a small, shiny toy in the distance behind them, Chris suddenly stopped.
“Here we are,” he announced.
His three guests looked about them. ‘Here’ looked very much like everywhere else.
“This is the pulseway station,” explained the slimy green blob. “This is what we do. First, you get on the pulseway.” He stepped forward onto a wide strip of black material on the ground. Because of its colour his companions hadn’t noticed it before. Now they saw that it stretched right across the black landscape, disappearing at both ends over the horizon. There was another pulseway, parallel to the first, just beyond it.