by Roman, Mark
“Well, let’s not be too hasty,” said Randolph calmly, making pacifying gestures. “If what you have seen are indeed The Dogs, then we would …”
Jeremy looked dumb-founded – but in fact wasn’t. “They are certainly The Dogs!” he exclaimed fervently. “I tell you, I saw them with my own eyes!”
“What did they look like?” asked Randolph with great patience.
“Humans!” cried Jeremy. “Two arms, two legs and a head with hair coming out of it. We know the humans are The Dogs. It has been proved that the humans are The Dogs. Everyone knows that the humans are The Dogs!”
“Er,” started Randolph, glancing at the others. “We don’t actually have any proof that the humans are The Dogs.”
“No, all right, that’s true,” conceded Jeremy. And then his eyes widened. “But I have the proof!” he added dramatically.
“Really?”
“Yes, really. For they have lied to us. So this must be the Hour of The Lie. And they must be The Dogs. And, as such, we must destroy them. There is no other answer. It is the Answer. The humans must be destroyed. For the Good of the Species...”
Again, no one responded with “In the Light of the Dark”.
Randolph raised a slimy, green eyebrow. “Tell us,” he said to Jeremy. “Tell us how they have lied to us.”
Jeremy grinned. Victory was within sight. They would now listen to him and he would convince them. And then they would destroy the humans. For the Good of the Species. In the Light of the Dark.
“Well?” prompted Randolph.
“Yes, sorry” said Jeremy, breaking out of his reverie. “Well, I was there when they lied. I saw it all. I was with Oscar at Receiver Net 7 when it landed. Oscar picked it up and we both saw that it was a brick. On the brick was their answer to the question of the Elders. Were they a Friend? Or were they a Foe? I asked Oscar what their answer was. And Oscar told me. And do you know what Oscar told me?”
Most of them could guess, but they shook their heads anyway.
“Oscar told me that the answer they had sent was...” Jeremy paused for effect, “...FRIEND!”
He looked in triumph at his audience. “And that was it!” he exclaimed. “That was their lie. In the Hour of The Lie, that was their lie. That is proof enough. They are The Dogs. We must kill them.” Jeremy nodded, satisfied that he had spoken and proved his point well.
There was a silence. Then Randolph asked, “How do we know that was a lie, Jeremy? They may indeed mean to be our friends.”
“Our friends?” screamed Jeremy in amazement. “How can they be our friends?”
“Well, why not?”
“Because they are the humans. And the humans are The Dogs. And The Dogs will destroy the Universe. And The Dogs have lied to us.” Jeremy was near to tears. “How can they possibly be our friends??”
*
“Anyway,” said sylX, continuing her story cheerfully. “So there I was – in prison in Melbourne. My picture was in all the Australian newspapers, so at least that was nice. Then, one day, out of the blue, I got a visit from a creepy little bald guy who kept making passes at me. He said he was head of recruitment at the Tenalp Ministry of Intelligence and Spying. He had terrible breath and sat far too close to me on the bunk in my cell.
“He asked me about my previous history of stowing away. He made detailed notes of all that I said. And then he put his hand on my knee!” sylX paused at the shock of the memory. “So, I slapped him. Quite hard. Really quite hard.” She swiped her hand in the air in demonstration.
They walked on.
“When he came round he was very apologetic, but no less creepy. He begged me to forgive him. He said that he hadn’t made a pass at a woman for many years and consequently was out of practice. Did I mind if he tried again? I had no option but to slap him a second time.
“To cut a long story short, I was recruited as a professional stowaway, working for the Tenalp MIS. The creepy guy told me how difficult it was to find really good stowaways because, of course, the best ones never got caught. And that’s how I became a pro.”
“But why have professional stowaways?” asked jixX.
“My job is to root out any real stowaways, as I know all the best hiding places.”
“Does that mean that, officially, you’re one of the crew?”
“No, I’m a free agent. I don’t answer to the ship’s captain, if that’s what you’re thinking,” answered the stowaway with a slight smirk. “And also, for tax reasons, I’m not on the crew payroll,” she continued. “My pay packet is usually wrapped up in a brown paper parcel and left in some secret location: under a park bench, in a disused post box, or up the chimney of a derelict house, the traditional way of paying spies. It’s a hell of a job trying to find it sometimes.”
“Does it pay well?” asked jixX.
“Unfortunately, no. We’re rather poorly paid on account of all the free travel we get.” She grinned, and then shrugged. “Still, I don’t do it for the money.”
“Job satisfaction?” suggested Chris.
“I wish,” said sylX, shaking her head. “The fun largely went out of it a long time ago.”
“Why then?”
“Well, if I don’t do it,” said sylX with a sigh, “they’ll throw me back into prison for assaulting the creepy bald guy. Twice!”
*
“So, we will kill them now, right?” said Jeremy, ready to start a posse.
“Hmm, I’m not sure,” said Randolph thoughtfully.
“But the humans are The Dogs!!” cried Jeremy.
“We need more evidence,” said Randolph.
“More evidence??” said Jeremy, almost screaming in exasperation.
“Now calm yourself, Jeremy,” said Randolph. “We appreciate your efforts. We know you mean well. You are a good Benjaminite, albeit a little over-zealous at times. You let your emotions get the better of you. You have done well to bring an important matter to our attention. We will have to make a full enquiry into the caninity of these humans. We need more proof to be completely convinced.”
Jeremy was almost beside himself, but suddenly managed to get himself calm. “Okay, okay,” he said. “If it’s further proof you want, then it’s further proof you get.”
“I think you should leave this to us, Jeremy.”
“But I know how to do it! I know the very way!”
“Yes, Jeremy. Of course you do. Now go and lie down for a while.”
“But I do!!!” screamed Jeremy, his green slime appearing to froth a little.
“Alright, alright,” said Randolph, trying to calm him. “Tell us how you intend to acquire this further proof.”
Jeremy’s eyes flashed. “I will destroy The Dogs!”
Randolph looked at the other nine Mamms, and then back at Jeremy. “I see,” he said thoughtfully. “And, er, what exactly will that prove?”
“It will fulfil Benjamin’s prophecy. Benjamin said that The Dogs will be destroyed and thus we will be Saved. For the Good of the Species.”
“So?”
“So by destroying the humans I will prove they are The Dogs. In accordance with Benjamin’s prophecy.”
Randolph gave a polite cough. “I, er, I think your logic’s a bit off there, Jeremy.”
“Huh?”
“Your argument is flawed, your deductions not altogether sound.”
“What do you mean – not sound??”
“Look,” started Randolph. “Say you were to kill me. Would that prove that I am a Dog?”
“But I know that you are a Master,” said Jeremy, astonished at the ridiculousness of Randolph’s argument. “So, I would not kill you. And, consequently, by not killing you I would prove that you are not a Dog. Quod erat demonstrandum,” he said, proud of himself. “QED.”
Randolph shuddered in gentle despair, wondering why he bothered.
“Surely you believe in Benjamin’s prophecies,” said Jeremy.
“Well …,” started Randolph.
“Because, if yo
u don’t,” said Jeremy, now in his stride, “by fulfilling them, I would be proving them to be true! In killing the humans I will prove: a. that they are The Dogs, and b. that Benjamin’s prophecy was correct.”
With this, Jeremy turned and slithered away from them, leaving them to grapple with the circuitous logic of his argument. “You will see I am right,” he called back without turning round.
The ten Mamms watched after him, some of them open-mouthed, some shaking their heads and one waving politely. Then they turned to look at one another in bafflement. Randolph shrugged.
“What do we do now?” asked Henry, the smallest of the Mamms in the middle of the circle who was still waving.
The other nine turned on him irritably.
“Well, you can shut up, for a start,” said one of them.
“What are you waving at him for, you snivelling oik?” said another.
“Silence, you little puppy,” said a third.
Chapter 2
“So your real name’s not sylX?” said jixX to the stowaway. “If you were born on Earth.”
“That’s right,” admitted the stowaway. “My real name’s Sue. The Ministry gave me a new name and new identity and a full set of badly forged papers.”
For a moment, fluX looked like he wanted to get into the conversation, but it was only a moment, and it soon passed.
The four of them walked on. Or rather, three walked and one slithered.
As they did so, jixX once again had the distinct feeling that they were being watched. He looked behind him and, sure enough, he spotted a slimy green blob on the horizon. There was no way of telling whether it was the same blob he had seen before, but his instincts told him it might be. When he turned round again, a few paces later, the slimy green blob appeared much closer and seemed to be nearing them at a rapid pace.
“Don’t look now,” he said in a whisper, “but I think we’re being followed.”
Chris glanced behind and suddenly looked nervous and annoyed. “Oh dear,” he said.
“What’s the matter?” asked sylX.
Chris looked behind again. “He’s gaining on us. I think we’d better make a run for it. Now!” Chris increased his pace. The others increased their pace to keep up with him.
“Who is it?” asked jixX.
“Jeremy,” was all that Chris said before upping his pace even further. The three humans had to jog to keep up.
“Is he dangerous?”
“Probably.”
They were practically running now. But still the slimy green blob behind them kept getting closer and closer. When it was within shouting distance it started shouting. “You Dogs!!”
They increased their speed even further.
“You Dogs!! You will die!” came the cry from behind. “I order you to stop! Stop right now! Obey my order, you Dogs.”
But obey they did not. They continued running. However, fluX was finding it hard to keep up and, gradually, he started dropping further and further behind. jixX and sylX glanced back at him in concern. And beyond him, they could see that Jeremy was closing the gap with every step they took, closer and closer.
Suddenly, fluX tripped and fell to the ground. sylX screamed. jixX stopped and turned back to help him. Jeremy came nearer and nearer, shouting without end. “Curs! Mongrels!”
jixX managed to pull the behavioural chemist up by the hand just before Jeremy reached him, and together they resumed their flight.
“Die!” screamed Jeremy in frustration, coming to a halt. All this exertion and all this shouting had taken a heavy toll on him, and he had to stop and rest. He was too exhausted to continue. And he was also annoyed with himself. In his hurry to get to The Dogs he had forgotten to arm himself with a brick. He would not make the same mistake a second time. He watched them getting further and further away. “Dogs!” he yelled after them in disgust.
He watched them some more. “Dogs!” he yelled again, but not as loud. Then he stopped yelling and turned back the way he had come. Puffing heavily, he headed back, his mind working on how he was going to rid the planet of The Dogs and so fulfil Benjamin’s prophecy and save the Universe.
*
Meanwhile, the four walked slowly on, also puffing heavily, but relieved that they seemed to be out of danger for the time being. fluX had twisted his ankle slightly, but other than that he was alright.
“You know,” said Chris looking at them. “I don’t think he likes you.”
*
anaX staggered slightly under the weight of the electronic components she was carrying out of the boat hangar’s Spares room. This was her fifth journey to and from the emergency deep-space survival module. To LEP she looked both beautiful and vulnerable, yet it was beyond his powers to lend her a helping hand. All he could do was to gallantly lend her his moral support.
“You’re working mighty hard,” he said supportively.
“There’s lots to do,” said anaX, pausing for breath. “And not much time to do it in.” She entered the survival module and deposited the electronic components in the food store. LEP waited for her to re-emerge.
“But surely there’s no hurry,” he said to her when she was once again heading towards the Spares room. “Seven months.”
anaX stopped in her tracks, wondering what LEP was talking about.
“Seven months before your baby arrives,” he explained.
“Ah yes,” said anaX, her mind busily calculating. “Er.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my arithmetic, is there?” asked LEP. “It’s supposed to be something of a strong point for us computers. Nine months, minus two, makes seven. Right?”
“Well … yes,” said anaX slowly. “But … you haven’t made any allowance for bio-obstetric engineering.”
“No, I haven’t,” admitted LEP. “How it slipped out of my calculations I can’t imagine.”
“There you go,” said anaX, smiling confidently now. She walked into the Spares room before LEP could say anything more.
But the moment she was out, LEP said, “What’s bio-obstetric engineering?”
anaX sighed. “It’s a surgical technique that reduces the gestation period from nine months to just over two. So the baby’s due any day now and I really need to get out of here soon. Within the next 6 hours or so.”
LEP was astonished. How was it that, if her baby was due any day, she was able to keep such a fantastic, shapely figure?
“The wonders of modern science,” he thought to himself. “She is truly one of the wonders of modern science.”
*
“It’s sort of against his religion to like you,” Chris was explaining, sounding slightly embarrassed.
“His religion?”
Chris gave a cough. “He thinks you are The Dogs.”
“He did call us that quite a lot, didn’t he,” put in sylX.
“And what are The Dogs?” asked jixX.
Chris hesitated. “It’s a very silly religion,” he said, defensively. “It doesn’t have many followers. And I’m not a believer myself.”
“Go on.”
“Well, they believe in the existence of The Ultimate Inferior Beings,” said Chris in a slightly mocking tone to distance himself as far as possible from what he was saying. “Beings that are really, really bad at everything they do. So incompetent, in fact, that they will one day destroy the Universe. Not deliberately, you understand, but by accident. They refer to this as the ‘Big Oops Moment’, or ‘BOM’. This will be some innocuous bungle with such far-reaching consequences that it will bring about the End of Everything. And the only way this can be prevented...”
“Is...?”
“Is if these beings are destroyed first.”
“He means us, right?” asked jixX.
“I believe so.”
“And we’re in danger?”
“Almost certainly.”
“Terrific.”
sylX, on the other hand, was fascinated. “This is really very interesting,” she said. “Tell us more abo
ut this religion.”
“I’m not an expert,” protested Chris.
“Well, tell us what you know,” she insisted warmly.
Chris seemed to blush. “All I know,” Chris was saying, “is that Benjaminism has a long history. The religion is named after Benjamin who lived a long time ago. He made a number of prophecies. One of them says that The Dogs will destroy the Universe and that in the End will be The Lie. They call this the Hour of The Lie.
“Every Monday the Benjaminites assemble together and hold a ceremony. They gather round the smallest of their number and hurl abuse at him. That’s Henry, poor chap. They call him all sorts of names and boss him about. He’s their sort of token dog, you see.”
“Pah! Bonkers!” snorted fluX suddenly. “Vot unscientific mumbo-jumbo.” These were the first words he had spoken for some time.
“So they intend to kill us?” jixX asked Chris. “Is that right?”
“Seems so,” said Chris. “Sorry.”
Chapter 3
By now, the Reader has probably forgotten all about the neutrino bomb in the heart of the forward engine room. But it was still there. Still in the heart of the forward engine room; still ticking inexorably towards its considerably advanced detonation time.
BUF had certainly not forgotten it and had not taken his scanners off it for a second.
Currently, the fourth-stage timer was active. It ticked every time a cosmic ray (perhaps coming from a distant supernova explosion) passed through its sensor chip. This seemingly random method of time measurement was not as random as might at first seem; in general, the cosmic ray flux averages out to give a fairly steady sort of time instant.
At the end of several thousand of these fairly average sorts of time instants the alarm bell rang. This was a dangerous moment. The bell had to ring without triggering the bomb’s highly sensitive trembler device; a device so sensitive that it could pick up a footfall at twenty paces. As a precaution, the bell itself was encased in a complex vibrational-damping mechanism made of springs, hydraulic levers and sticking plaster.
The sound of the alarm bell triggered the next-stage timer and activated the bomb’s next highly subtle anti-tampering device. The latter consisted of a 10,000 watt laser-rifle that fired at anything that moved in the bomb’s vicinity. An optical scanner surveyed the area around the neutrino bomb and, any object that it detected moving at a speed greater than a ten-thousandth of an inch per second, was instantly vaporized by a blast from the rifle.