by Roman, Mark
jixX approached the pipe.
“Ready?” asked Randolph.
jixX concentrated all his attention on the pipe. He could do this, he knew he could. And he had to: for the Good of his Species.
“Steady?” continued Randolph.
jixX prepared himself.
“Go!”
jixX stepped onto the pipe, arms outstretched and started rapidly but carefully stepping along it, breaking into a run as he neared the end.
“No, no, no!”
“Wait!”
“What are you doing?”
“Stop!”
“Cheat!”
By the time jixX had reached the end of the pipe, the Mamms were in uproar, yelling and shouting at him.
jixX turned round in surprise, baffled by the Mamms’ reaction. “What’s wrong?”
Randolph tried to calm the clamour of the other Mamms. “Alright, alright,” he was saying. “Quiet! It’s my fault. I didn’t explain the rules very well.”
“Did I do something wrong?” asked jixX, returning to the starting end of the pipe.
“Yes, sorry, I should have made it clearer,” said Randolph. “You have to go through the pipe. Not along the top.”
“Through??”
Randolph gave a laugh. “Oh, don’t worry. It’s not as simple as it looks. It does have hurdles.”
“Hurdles?”
“Yes, inside the tube are eight porous membranes spaced out at equal intervals.”
jixX’s jaw dropped. “Ah,” he said.
“Ah,” echoed sylX and fluX, both glancing nervously at the pile of bricks.
“I see,” said jixX quietly. “Er... well perhaps Jeremy should go first after all.” He was playing for time. “So I can see how it’s done,” he added.
“Of course, of course,” said Randolph. “Come on Jeremy. Ready?”
Jeremy looked back dumbfounded. The Dog had cheated! He should be disqualified. It was clear that he, Jeremy, was the winner!
“Steady,” continued Randolph.
Jeremy gave a long-suffering sigh and, shaking his head in disbelief, approached the pipe.
“Go!” cried Randolph.
Jeremy looked about angrily at everyone and then, slowly, painfully, agonizingly, he inserted part of himself into the pipe. He squeezed and squeezed and, as he did so, more and more of his slime disappeared. Bit by bit, Jeremy appeared to be shrinking as he slowly entered the pipe. There was total silence as the Mamms and the humans watched. It was totally fascinating and absorbing in a morbid sort of way.
When all but a small part of Jeremy had disappeared, Chris turned to Randolph and said, “I’ve decided that enough is enough. I think we should call this whole thing off. It’s clearly not a fair contest!”
Bill seemed to be backing Chris up, although to jixX he appeared to be hiding behind Chris rather than offering either moral or physical support.
“You are totally outnumbered,” continued Chris. “We cannot let a bunch of religious fanatics treat our guests in such a rude and inhospitable manner.”
Randolph looked stunned. He stared at Chris and Bill open-mouthed.
jixX was wondering how Chris had figured that the Benjaminites were outnumbered when Randolph seemed to notice the same numerical discrepancy. “Outnumbered?” he asked.
“I don’t mean here and now,” explained Chris. “I mean on the planet as a whole.”
“We’re the biggest religion there is,” said Randolph defensively.
“Nevertheless, there are only ten of you.”
jixX felt it necessary to intervene at this point, being something of a stickler for arithmetical accuracy. “Eleven,” he put in.
Both Chris and Randolph looked at him in surprise.
“What?” they said together.
“Eleven,” said jixX. “I make it eleven Benjaminites in total. Chris said there were ten.”
“No, there are ten,” said Randolph looking at him, puzzled.
“I think you’ll find there are eleven,” insisted jixX. “I’m a bit of an expert at counting green things. It’s part of my trade.”
Randolph looked concerned. “Ten,” he said firmly, but as he did so his eyes were darting from one slimy green blob to another as he tried to quickly count them.
“Count them,” suggested jixX.
“Alright,” said Randolph confidently. He turned and counted his fellow Benjaminites aloud. “One... two...,” he counted until he reached himself, “...nine... and not forgetting Jeremy in the tube – out of sight but not out of mind, eh... which makes ten!”
“And Henry?” asked jixX.
“What about him?”
“He’s a Benjaminite, isn’t he?”
“Well... yes,” said Randolph slowly. “I counted him.”
“No you didn’t. He’s not here. He’s in The Night Ripple.”
“No, he left...,” said Randolph, scanning the other Mamms to see if Henry was amongst them. He wasn’t.
“That makes eleven,” said jixX.
Randolph frowned deeply, scratching his head. “Hmm,” he said. “This is serious.”
jixX blinked in surprise, but said nothing.
“Very well,” said Randolph after a while. “In that case, would you accept a draw?”
jixX looked even more surprised, but nodded eagerly.
“Thank you” said Randolph. He gave a little smile, but his eyes showed he was deeply troubled. “George,” he said to one of the Benjaminites. “Come with me.”
The Mamm called George stepped forward and together they walked off into the distance where they came to a halt and started talking animatedly.
The three humans watched them go, totally bewildered by what was going on, but at the same time rather relieved.
*
Had the bewilderment of the three humans been summed, and the sum squared, and the result multiplied by ten, it would still have come some way short of the bewilderment, nay, horrified amazement, that Jeremy was feeling inside the pipe. Having managed to force most of his body through the first four porous membranes, he had stopped to listen to the developments going on outside. And he had not liked what he had heard. Indeed, he had been absolutely thunderstruck. What was Randolph thinking? A draw?? How could it be a draw?? Jeremy was going to be the clear winner.
Jeremy realized that The Dogs were going to get away scot-free! And here he was, stuck in a narrow tube, powerless to stop them! He had to do something!
But first, he had to get out. He was about halfway through the pipe, so going forwards was as good (or bad) as going back. With renewed determination, Jeremy surged on, battling to get himself out as speedily as possible. For the Good of the Species. In the Light of the Dark.
*
“Well,” said sylX to jixX. “Looks like you’ve saved our lives.”
jixX smiled modestly. “It was nothing,” he said, although he was as mystified as everyone else as to how he had achieved it.
sylX gave him a little peck on the cheek, which surprised him.
He cleared his throat. “Well, er. Perhaps it’s time we were going.”
“Going where?” asked the stowaway.
“Home,” said jixX. “To Tenalp. Before they change their minds,” he added, nodding towards Randolph and George in the distance.
“Already?” asked Chris, surprised.
“Yes. We really must. It’s been a great pleasure meeting you.”
“Oh,” said Chris, looking disappointed.
“I’ll be staying,” said sylX.
“Will you? That’s great,” said Chris brightening up.
jixX looked at her aghast. “You’re staying??”
“Yes.”
“But the danger...”
“I’ll be safe with Chris and Bill,” said sylX. “Won’t I?”
Chris nodded vigorously. Bill took out his two bricks and waved them about impressively.
“There’s so much to do here,” the stowaway was saying to jixX. “We’ve made t
he first-ever contact with an alien civilization! There are all sorts of things to find out about them. Learn their culture, their science, their art...”
“Their religion and their sports,” muttered jixX under his breath.
“...their way of life,” she continued. “Their history, their biology...”
“Shouldn’t we leave that to the experts, though?” asked jixX.
“Sure. I’ll learn as much as I can before they arrive.”
jixX looked at her uncertainly. “Well,” he said, “if you’re sure.”
“I am, I am,” she said smiling brightly. “This is the chance I’ve always been waiting for!”
“Very well,” said jixX uncertainly. “It’s your decision.” He went to shake hands with her but, to his surprise, she gave him another little kiss.
Then he and the behavioural chemist started saying their goodbyes. They said goodbye to Chris and Bill. They said goodbye to the Benjaminites. They called out goodbye to Randolph and George. And they even said goodbye to Jeremy somewhere inside the pipe although, not unexpectedly, they didn’t receive an answer. Smiling and waving, the two of them made their way back to The Night Ripple.
*
Inside the tube, Jeremy was flabbergasted beyond belief. He was agape with horror as his worst fears were being realized. The Dogs were leaving. They were escaping! And no one was so much as lifting a finger to stop them! Was he the only one who could see what was really happening?
He pondered this last question for a little while before realizing that that must indeed be the case. He was, after all, the Chosen One. So only he could see how The Dogs were duping Randolph and the others.
“It is my duty to stop them,” he reminded himself. “I am the Chosen One. Only I can destroy The Dogs!”
But first, he would have to get out of the tube. Realizing which, he redoubled his frantic, panic-stricken efforts to get through the sixth of the porous membranes.
Chapter 10
“What is it, Randolph?” asked George when they were out of earshot of the rest. “What’s the matter?”
Randolph looked very serious. “Here,” he said, taking a large book out of the depths of his green slime. “I just happen to have The Book with me.”
He opened it and flicked through it until he found the page he wanted. He handed the book to George. “Read that,” he said, pointing to the appropriate paragraph.
George held The Book reverently in his hands. It was written in the Ancient Language. Roughly translated, the paragraph read, ‘And thenceforth Benjamin sayeth unto the assembled multitude at The Meeting, “Henceforth there shalt be Nine Masters...”’ He paused and peered more closely at The Book and noticed that the ‘Nine’ has been crossed out and ‘Ten’ written in pencil above it. He looked up, stunned. “It’s been defaced! The Book has been vandalized! Is that what’s worrying you, Randolph?”
“No, no,” said Randolph quickly. “That’s not it at all. I wrote the ‘Ten’ in myself, a long, long time ago.”
“You?!?” asked George, amazed and appalled in equal measure.
“It was when Henry came to me pleading to join us as the Master Inferior,” explained Randolph. “He was very insistent – and just right for the job. So I changed the ‘Nine’ to ‘Ten’. I’m sure Benjamin would have approved.”
George raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
“But that’s not the point,” continued Randolph urgently. “The point is that there are now eleven of us! Yet The Book clearly states that there should be ten!” Randolph paused. “One of us,” he said grimly, “is an impostor!”
George gasped. “Are you sure?”
“There’s no other explanation.”
“But who is it? Who can it be?”
Randolph remained enigmatically silent for a while. “I believe it to be the one who joined us last,” he said significantly. “The one who joined after Henry.”
“The one who joined us last,” repeated George thoughtfully, mulling over this clue to the impostor. “The one who joined us last.” George wracked his brain for a while. But it was no good. He couldn’t remember that far back. “Who was it?” he asked at last. “Tell me who.”
Randolph shook his head slowly. “I don’t know. I was rather hoping you might remember. It all happened hundreds of thousands of years ago, as you know. And my memory’s not what it used to be.”
“Hmm,” said George, giving his memory one more go. He concentrated hard, but still with no success. He shook his head and then said, “Is it really that important? Can’t we just cross out the ‘Ten’ and write ‘Eleven’ above it?”
Randolph shook his head very slowly and very gravely. “I fear that it is important,” he said. “Really important.”
George gulped at the seriousness of Randolph’s tone and waited for further explanation.
“It’s something I’ve always worried about,” Randolph was saying. “A nagging concern that has scarcely ever left my mind. It’s always been there, gnawing away at me from the remotest recesses of my brain.” Randolph stared unseeingly ahead and spoke into the distance as though no longer aware of George’s presence. “What if,” he started. “What if, after all, it is we who are The Dogs? It is we who are the Ultimate Inferior Beings and it is we who will destroy the Universe?”
“We?” asked George in shock. “Us? The Dogs?”
“What if...,” said Randolph, his voice trailing away. He turned to George. “And now this,” he said, holding The Book up. “Do you know what it means? That all this time we have been living a lie! All this time The Book has stated that there are to be Ten Masters, and all this time we have been Eleven!” He stared, almost accusingly, at George.
George edged back, slightly intimidated by Randolph’s manner. “But,” he started. “How come we never noticed? How come this has only just come to light?”
Randolph’s expression became even darker. “Well, one doesn’t notice such things, does one,” he said, speaking almost mechanically. “Not in the normal course of events.” He paused, and his voice became lower and more sombre. “But when it does come to light, when the lie is revealed: that, surely, is a moment of outstanding significance.”
George’s eyes widened as it dawned on him what Randolph was getting at.
“That moment,” said Randolph, his eyes widening also, “is the Hour of The Lie!”
*
jixX and fluX waved goodbye to everyone as they entered The Night Ripple. jixX glanced a worried glance at sylX, hoping she would change her mind and come with them, but she just smiled reassuringly back at him.
Then a thought occurred to jixX. “Where’s Henry? He’s not under the ship by any chance, is he?”
The Benjaminites exchanged a few words with one another and then one of them slithered forward, looking under the glistening hull of The Night Ripple. “Come out from under there, Henry, you miserable wretch,” he shouted.
Another slid forward and shouted, “You dolt, you oaf, you blockhead.”
One by one the Benjaminites came forward and, before long, they were all directing insults and abuse under the glistening hull of The Night Ripple. And eventually a small, cowering, slimy green blob emerged from beneath the ship and made a dash for freedom. Its appearance was greeted by a rapturous hail of abuse.
The small blob cringed and smiled ecstatically as it ran off into the distance – closely pursued by the jeering mass of Benjaminites.
PART THE FIFTH: THE DOGS
Chapter 1
jixX finished watering his dwarf Alberta spruce before dropping into the anti-inertial command couch in the main control room. He closed his eyes. He tried to recall the last time he had slept – some long, long time ago back on Tenalp. The other crewmembers had gone to their cabins, presumably to bed, and he envied them. He strapped himself in, ready for lift-off.
“Pity about your date” said LEP, starting a conversation jixX could do without.
“Hello?” asked jixX, wondering what he was on abo
ut.
“Sorry to see she stood you up,” continued LEP. “sylX the stowaway.”
“She was not my date,” said jixX wearily.
“Preferred to stay with a bunch of slimy green blobs rather than coming back with you, cap’n,” continued LEP relentlessly. “I wonder what that says about you.”
jixX yawned.
“Of course, my date, is still on board,” said LEP with a lovelorn sigh. “She is so gorgeous.”
jixX rolled his eyes. “Just tell me which buttons to press, will you LEP.”
*
As they prepared for take-off, jixX remembered something. “Wait!” he said suddenly. “I nearly forgot! What about twaX the carpenter?”
“twaX the deserter, you mean,” said LEP.
“Whatever,” said jixX. “We can’t just abandon him.”
“We can,” said LEP, “because he’s gone.”
“How do you mean... gone?”
“I’ve been tracking him with my infra-violet scanners,” explained LEP. “It seems he left the planet some time ago.”
“But that’s impossible!”
“That’s what I thought,” said LEP. “I increased the sensitivity of the scanners, but nothing.”
“Is he dead?”
“I don’t think so. Just gone.”
“How?”
“No idea. It’s a mystery.”
jixX stared ahead, blinking, puzzling over how the carpenter could have just disappeared. “Well, you’re right, LEP,” he said after a while. “It is a mystery. I guess we go without him.”
“Pity, really,” said LEP. “We could do with a few more mahogany window-frames about the place.”
*
When The Night Ripple had finally lifted off Ground, jixX made his way to his cabin. He undressed as quickly as he could and slid into bed between the cold sheets. He laid his head gently on the pillow and felt a blissful release of tension.
It lasted a full ten seconds.
There was a knock on his door.
“Go away,” he said, turning to face the wall.
The knock came again.
And then again.
“Someone’s knocking on your door,” said LEP helpfully.