by Roman, Mark
CURRENCY. (See Tenalp Currency)
EINSTEIN, ALBERT (1879-1955). A very famous scientist.
EINSTEIN TELESCOPE. A clever device, this. It employs the curvature of the telescope, as opposed to the curvature of spacetime, to enable one to see the back of one’s head. It thus obviates the need for impossibly good eyesight and an implausibly long lifespan.
FORWARD ENGINE ROOM. Vast, noisy, oily, dirty, smelly sort of place where most of a spaceship’s engines are kept. Usually operated by a mini-computer.
Back Engine Room. Small, noisy, oily, dirty, smelly sort of place where the rest of a spaceship’s engines are kept. Back Engine Room is short for Backward Engine Room. Controls in the Backward Engine Room are manually operated by a member of the crew. The room contains no computer. Manual control is adequate as most spaceships spend more time going forwards than they do going backwards.
GLIBBERY, ASQUITH VERNON (1835-43). Pioneer of the Asquith Glibbery Defence in chess.
GLOSSARY. (See Glossary)
HIGH-MASS PHOTONS. High-mass photons were first discovered throughout parts of the world during October 1993. Unlike ordinary, low-mass photons, these were found to possess a non-zero rest-mass. Consequently, high-mass photons cannot travel at the speed of light. In fact, their velocity is not even remotely relativistic. It is about 1 millimetre per second, or about 3 kilometres every 100 years. Most slugs can move faster than that.
The high-mass photons discovered during October 1993 came from the Sun’s chromosphere and their production commenced shortly after the Sun had formed – over 4.5 billion years ago. They had not been discovered before October 1993 because, due to their extremely slow propagation velocity, it took them all that time to traverse the distance between the Sun and the Earth.
No theory has yet been put forward to explain why these photons exist and why, though still a form of electromagnetic radiation, they don’t travel at the speed of light.
High-mass photons are also known as heavy photons. Low-mass photons are occasionally referred to as light photons.
HYPER-INDUCTION TRIRAIL JET-TRAIN. As far back as the 1960s, economists noticed that travel by jet plane was far cheaper per mile than travel by rail. Few economist, however, went as far as Theodore T Groober in suggesting that jet planes should be used as the method of propulsion for trains, towing them from station to station. He called his design the hyper-induction trirail jet-train. At the time, Groober’s suggestion was largely ignored, and has been ever since. In fact, it will probably be ignored until the end of Time.
However, one of Theodore T Groober’s fans, although not a supporter of any of Theodore T Groober’s ideas, did rather like the name: ‘hyper-induction trirail jet-train’. He liked it so much that he adopted it for the ordinary electric trains one sees on the Southern Region. And the name has stuck ever since, even though the method of propulsion has nothing whatsoever to do with trirails, jets, hyper-induction, nor for that matter, with Theodore T Groober.
INFRAVIOLET SURFACE SCANNERS. Used for scanning planet surfaces and detecting indigenous lifeforms. They are sensitive enough to register a lifeform density of one microbe per hectare. Thus, when used at maximum sensitivity on a inhabited planet – with its billions of teeming microbial creatures and billions of scuttling, walking, and crawling macrobial creatures – the scanners tend to overload and explode. Their infraviolet colour makes it easy to locate them for repair.
jXqQ?:&V. One of Tenalp’s first politicians proposed that all Tenalp inhabitants should be called jXqQ?:&V. His idea was that this would save on administration, and the name itself was a suitably futuristic kind of name for space colonists. When put to a vote by the ruling council, however, his proposal was rejected by a narrow margin (two votes to one). This is why the people of Tenalp have sensible names.
LEADING STAGE REACTORS. Newton’s Third Law of Motion (action = reaction) often leads to the term ‘leading stage reactors’ being confused with the term ‘leading stage actors’. The reader should note that the two are not the same. Both the spelling and pronunciation are different.
LOW-MASS PHOTONS. (See High-Mass Photons)
MAGNETO-HYDRAULIC AMPLIFIER. A highly compact device employing 10 litres of ferrofluid and a 10 Tesla superconducting magnet. Signal to noise ratio is negligible.
ZANIALPHOS. A word that disrupts the alphabetical order of a glossary or dictionary.
MEGALOMANIA. A million lomanias. (See Million)
Another unit commonly expressed in millions is the phone. (See also Microbe)
MICROBE. A millionth of a be. (See Million)
Other units commonly expressed in millionths include: biologist, cosm, phone (see Megalomania), and scope.
MILLION. A thousandth of an on.
Other units commonly expressed in thousandths include: onth, ard, ner, onaire, onfold, and pede (also measured in hundredths).
NEUTRINO BOMB. The neutrino bomb is one of the deadliest, most devastating weapons known to Humankind. On exploding it emits a vast flux of neutrinos and antineutrinos in all directions. These particles are weakly-interacting and, of course, pass through most matter with little effect. However, if there are any tanks of cleaning fluid about, or any residual cleaning fluid on anything, or anything that chemically resembles cleaning fluid, then the effect is devastating; the neutrinos interact with the heavy isotope of chlorine, 37Cl, to produce radioactive argon, 37Ar. Under normal circumstances, of course, this reaction is extremely rare, but so great is the flux of neutrinos that the heat generated by the reaction can melt even diamond. (See also Sigh East Midlands Bomb Company)
NEUTROENCEPHELOHOLOGRAPHIC INSTITUE. The largest institute on Tenalp devoted to work on, and research into, neutroencepheloholography. It is crammed with plenty of neutroencepheloholographic equipment and neutroencepheloholographic apparatus, and is staffed by some of the planet’s top neutroencepheloholographers. Thus the Neutroencepheloholographic Institute is the place to go if you ever want to do some neutroencepheloholography yourself or to have some neutroencepheloholography done on you.
NIOBIUM CORDITE. A tough, black, naturally occurring substance.
NOTSUE. The blue-light district of Tenalp’s capital city, Nodnol. (The reader may have already noticed that the original colonisers of the planet Tenalp had very little imagination when it came to naming streets, suburbs, towns and cities). The entire district of Notsue is devoted to mankind’s most modern sexual activity. This activity was discovered in 2034 by a sixteen year-old girl while watching her elder sister shaving her legs in the bathroom. It revolutionized sexual perversion overnight, and every city came to have a blue-light district, such as Notsue in Nodnol. Very soon it became impossible to walk after dark through such a blue-light district without being assaulted in the manner outlined by that sixteen year-old girl. Extra police stations had to be built in these districts to deal with the crowds of hopeful late-night strollers.
PETROMORPHIC YTTERBIUM CELLULOSE. Petromorphic ytterbium cellulose is to paper what plasto-lignose polycellulose is to wood – ie a very poor substitute.
PHONON DRIVE TUBES. As you know, phonons are the quantized modes of vibration of a crystal lattice. Literally years of research were devoted to producing a sufficiently powerful transducer to transmit phonons into vacuum – the main challenge being, of course, that vibrations (eg sound) don’t travel in a vacuum. Many other things were discovered along the way: non-stick milk-bottles, disposable socks, collapsible furniture, etc. Finally, a quartz lactite transducer was found to work adequately. Housed in a long impedance-matching tube and driven by a 10 Megawatt power supply, the quartz lactite transducer became the first ever way of propelling a large spaceship by acoustic phonons.
When compared with existing propulsion systems, phonon tubes were absurdly uneconomical and laughably inefficient. And they were terribly noisy. So there was no way of justifying their use in modern spaceships. However, their designers were determined to have them become the primary spaceship propulsion systems.
After all the years they’d spent developing the things, they didn’t want it all to look like a complete waste of time and money. So, they resorted to blackmail.
The head of the largest spaceship manufacturing company on Tenalp was persuaded to use phonon drives in all his company’s next generation of spaceships. And, because of this, the world will never know just what personal secret of his the blackmailers had threatened to reveal. Rumour had it, though, that it had something to do with that sixteen year old girl mentioned in the Notsue entry above. (See Notsue).
PHOTOTRIODE. Like a photodiode, only bigger.
PINK VELVEX. Substance from which the cheapest, most tasteless, most hideous wallpaper is made. Its production involves a highly complex process that has been kept a closely guarded secret by its manufacturers ever since they developed it. There have been no known attempts to steal the secret.
PLASDERM LEATHER SUBSTITUTE. This is formed by allowing a gelloidal endoplastic substance such as esthermethene to partially set in vast tanks overnight. In the morning the surface skin is peeled off and, when dried, becomes the plasderm leather substitute. Apart from being inherently semi-transparent it looks and feels just like real leather. It has two major disadvantages: it is not as porous as real leather, and it smells awful. Thus shoes made of this substance present a real problem, and socially-conscious wearers must always wear a pair of special odour-absorbing carbon-fibre socks – preferably over the shoes themselves rather than just on the feet.
POLYOX E-PROTHENE. The hardest liquid plastic known to Humankind. No one has yet found a use for this substance, and any suggestions the reader may have are welcome.
SCN (= Singularity Catalogue Number). The SCN is a number assigned to every newly discovered Singularity. The Singularity Catalogue is published monthly and is available from all newsagents and major booksellers. Price 10 minutes (see Tenalp Currency), or a yearly subscription of 2 hours 12 minutes. Order your copy NOW!
SIGH EAST MIDLANDS BOMB COMPANY. Situated at its secret underground location in the East Midlands, the Sigh Bomb Company is the largest known bomb company on Earth. Its products span the entire range of explosive devices: from the safety match to the neutrino bomb (see Safety Match and Neutrino Bomb). Shortly after Sigh Co was founded, a few minor mishaps occurred in its dangerous Bomb Construction Division. These were blown out of all proportion by the press, and subsequently Sigh Co found it harder and harder to recruit personnel. No one seemed very keen on working for them. Their shares plummeted.
So, a novel recruitment drive was launched to save the company from bankruptcy. Sigh asked the governments of the world to offer death-row criminals the choice between capital punishment and a job in Sigh Co’s dangerous Bomb Construction Division. Many (well most) condemned criminals readily grabbed the chance of prolonging their lives and chose the latter option. The scheme was a huge success, and Sigh’s profits soared.
Of course, Sigh met with all sorts of ignorant criticism from the press – particularly from the local press in the East Midlands area. The newspapers expressed their concern at the company employing kidnappers, murderers and terrorists with ready access to highly explosive devices. “Might not this be putting the lives of everyone in the world at risk, not least the people living in the East Midlands area?” they asked in their usual sensationalist way. Sigh Co replied that all their employees underwent strict security procedures that included the frisking of all workers before they left the company premises. Anyone found carrying a bomb home was firmly asked to return it to whence it had come.
SKYWAY CODE. Invented by Samuel Skyway, this Code is used on all space missions. Astropilots taking their astropilot test have to know if off by heart; as do astronavigators, astrosynchronizers and astrodrivers. The test involves decrypting something written in the Code from a distance of twenty-five metres. To ensure absolute fairness, the rules of the test can sometimes be relaxed. For example, the distance of twenty-five metres can be reduced so as not to disadvantage the shortsighted. Prompting can also be given, particularly in cases where the examinee is tired through lack of sleep, disoriented as a result of drunkenness, or slightly befuddled on account of senility.
SNOTTIES. Trade name for a leading brand of tissues. These tissues are probably the toughest ever produced. They are made from a special brand of tissue-paper first synthesized at the Rutherford Laboratories. The makers claim that it is incredible: if you were to fire a 15-inch shell at a piece of this tissue paper it would come back and hit you. (Subtle scientific joke, this).
SPACE. The final frontier.
STASIS FIELD. Every science fiction book mentions a stasis field. So here is this book’s mention.
TENALP CURRENCY. The currency used on Tenalp is the life-prolonging pill. Each pill will prolong the natural lifespan of anyone taking it by the length of the time inscribed upon it. For example, a ten second pill will prolong one’s life by ten seconds. (This may not sound very long, but if your life depended on you living for another ten seconds, you wouldn’t hesitate taking one, would you).
The pills are used as currency in the ordinary way. For example, a book may cost forty minutes, a train journey five hours twenty-three minutes, and a quarterly electricity bill five years three months and six days. Hence the Tenalp expression ‘Money is Time’.
The pills themselves are enclosed in a protective plastic coating that melts in the mouth and not in the hand. The coating prevents the money devaluing through erosion. After all, each pill will have passed through many hands, many purses, many pockets, and many other places by the time you put it in your mouth and swallow it.
Of course, it is important to guard against forgeries – pills that do not contain the life-prolonging ingredients, or pills that contain life-shortening ingredients such as arsenic or cyanide. A number of important advances have been made recently to detect such forgeries; alas, none are yet on the market.
TENALP TRANS-URANIC GEOCENTRAL TIME. The planet-wide synchronized time of Tenalp as shown on the large clock in the centre of Nodnol, known affectionately as Big Richard. Tenalp Trans-Uranic Geocentral Time should not be confused with Tenalp Currency. (See Tenalp Currency)
ULTRASONIC BACKGROUND REVERBERATION. This is the Pseudogravitic Continuum’s answer to the Microwave Background Radiation that pervades Normal Spacetime. Simply speaking, whereas the Microwave Background is what’s left of the light of the Big Bang, the Ultrasonic Background is what’s left of the noise. It is the ‘Bang’ of the Big Bang.
Like the Microwave Background, the Ultrasonic Background has been shifted in frequency so that only the ultrasonic and hypersonic components now remain. These are only audible to bats and dogs. A bat or a dog would go deaf and/or mad very, very quickly in the Pseudogravitic Continuum, so, if you plan to travel there, it is best to leave them at home.
VOLTAIC CELL. A Voltaic Cell is where you get locked up for a salten battery; a very serious charge, and also a very bad pun.
100-WATT LIGHT BULB. A commercially available source of photons. Brighter than the 60-watt light bulb, but not quite as bright as the 150-watt light bulb, it is guaranteed not to explode more than once.
WIND-POWERED CLOCK. Obsolete timepiece powered by winding it up every night before going to bed. A fine spring (prone to breaking) used to store the wind-power from the winding fingers.
YRASSOLG. This is Glossary backwards. (See Glossary)
APPENDIX I: MAMM EVOLUTION
The evolution of the Mamms was not like the evolution of the other creatures on planet Ground. Indeed, one can barely call it ‘evolution’ at all as it involved the individual emergence and growth of the Mamms, each developing from a separate primordial pool to fully-grown slimy green blob over many millennia. No cross-fertilization of genetic material ever took place between species members. Perhaps the most remarkable thing about this unique process was how it resulted in all the members of the species having such similar morphology and physiology.
Schizzo-plankton
So, it all
started in the primordial birth-pools on Ground. And there were plenty of them: in rocky tidal regions, in flood plains and marshlands, neighbouring hot springs and so on. In those days, of course, the landscape was not perfectly flat and black, but much like that of any other newly formed, rocky planet.
Most of the other animals on Ground evolved from these very same pools. The difference being that all these other creatures evolved out of those pools and went on to develop into bigger and better things long before the Mamms made an appearance. Once on dry land, these numerous and varied animals roamed the planet’s surface killing and eating one another for generation upon generation, like animals do.
The one species that didn’t emerge from the pools to partake in the planet-wide carnage were the tiny schizzo-plankton. These were a rapidly procreating microscopic lifeform that generated energy by photosynthesis and so gave the pools their greenish colour and their slimy consistency. They stayed behind because they had no reason to leave. Where else could they swim about as much as they liked, sleep, eat, drink and play as much as they liked, and continue rapidly procreating as much as they liked?
The trouble was, the more they did of all of these things, the more crowded (and hence greener and slimier) their primordial pools became. In fact, very soon the pools were so full of the waste matter of the little schizzo-plankton, so full of the decaying bodies of the little schizzo-plankton, and so full of the little buggers themselves, that there was hardly any room left for them to enjoy themselves any more.
What was worse, this increase in the density of the pools, and consequent rise in their nutrient content, did not escape the notice of the other creatures on Ground. The fact that the pools were brimming over with the living, dead, dying, or just plain bored, little schizzo-plankton was good news for all and sundry, and so it wasn’t long before they became a popular food resource. The suction plant sucked them up, the lapping dog lapped them up, the slurping stork slurped them up, and the syphon rat stuck its long trunk into them, crawled into a depression at the side of the pool and simply syphoned them off. The pools were so nourishing, in fact, that many animals stopped killing and eating one another and, instead, gorged themselves on the slimy green pools.