The Ultimate Inferior Beings

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by Roman, Mark


  “Why do you foul my ears with the sound of your vile voice?” yelled Pfnug up the passageway of his lair.

  “Oh, what grotesque noise is that I hear?” came the response from outside. “And the stench that emanates from this hole is the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered!”

  “Leave my path unfouled, you monstrous creature!” yelled Pfnug back angrily.

  The formalities over, Frut came to the point of his visit. “The judging is over, you vile excrescence,” he announced. “You came a pitiful second.”

  “How dare you insult me with your presence,” said Pfnug, trying desperately to hide the hurt in his voice. Deep inside, he was bitterly upset at the news. Second! He had lost out again. No doubt about the winner, then.

  “That foul, wretched, stench that calls itself Dork won, I presume?” he called.

  “Your conclusions are correct, even if your voice, your smell and your domicile disgust me,” confirmed Frut.

  Pfnug was in dismay. Lost again. To Dork! But how? How had Dork found something more disgusting than his little worm things? He addressed the question to Frut.

  Frut was so deeply offended by the way Pfnug had phrased the question that it took him a little while to compose himself and answer back. “That foul, wretched stench that calls himself Dork discovered an alien so foul that there is surely no equal anywhere in the Universe.”

  “How can that be?? What is this monstrous creature?” pleaded Pfnug.

  “It has a vile name,” answered Frut, choking on the smell coming from the entrance to Pfnug’s home. “A vile, vile name. A vile name for a vile creature. It called itself a humongbeyng and identified itself as twacks-decar-pintar.”

  Pfnug shuddered at the horror of these words. The name was indeed vile. Yet his curiosity got the better of him. However vile it was, he had to see it.

  “Where is this monstrosity?” he called.

  “Not here, thankfully,” answered Frut. “Dork was instructed to remove it so as not to pollute our land with its foulness. He took it in his spaceship to the place the vile thing wanted to be taken to: a wooded place on a planet called Herth.”

  Pfnug shook his head in disappointment. None of this made any sense to him. All he knew was that he had lost again and that life just wasn’t fair.

  APPENDIX IV: THE PROOF

  Sadly, the Proof of God that fluX discovered in the Periodic Table is lost forever. Many others have tried to rediscover it. No one has succeded. The best we have to date is given below. It uses 59 of the 112 elements of the Periodic Table, and so is some way short of fluX’s discovery. It reads:

  Th I S Pa Ge Pr O V Es Al Li Am He No C Ra P Be Ni Ce Fe Ar W In Dy Te Ac H Er Sc Ho Os Eu Se F U La Re As Si Ti N Ba Ds Po Ta Nd Cr Y Ru Np At Hs Ca Tc Hf Ir Mo Ne

  which translates as:

  ‘This page proves All. I am He. No crap. Be nice. Fear windy teachers. Choose useful areas. Sit in bad spot and cry. Run paths. Catch firm. One.’

  Clearly this isn’t quite The Message, but it’s got to be close.

  Can you do better?

  INDEX

  a: 3, 7, 53, 61, 146, 157, 159, 233

  actually: 236

  again: 221

  alone: 35

  am: 265

  an: 12, 81, 173, 179

  and: 37, 100, 124, 175, 201, 209, 235, 249, 268

  another: 206

  anyone: 49

  at: 18, 33

  back: 20

  be: 120

  became: 245

  because: 38

  being: 178

  book: 27, 112, 197

  bore: 105

  boring: 207

  bother: 211

  bound: 121

  but: 65, 141, 222

  change: 96

  changed: 139, 150

  constituent: 98

  contained: 114, 232

  cry: 239

  day: 76

  dear: 259

  decided: 84

  did: 135, 143

  didn’t: 210

  done: 190

  dreadful: 23

  dull: 24

  entries: 154

  even: 126

  ever: 31

  everyone: 184

  few: 29

  for: 240, 263

  full: 73, 130

  gave: 50

  general: 254

  get: 90

  had: 80, 189

  happy: 248, 276

  hardly: 48

  have: 270

  highly: 25

  however: 182

  I: 261, 264

  idea: 82

  in: 72, 129, 145, 253

  index: 9, 16, 43, 52, 71, 79, 134, 170, 180, 188, 200, 208, 219, 231, 244, 267

  insignificant: 26

  intelligent: 226

  is: 181, 257

  it: 10, 83, 104, 115, 128, 138, 142, 149, 214

  its: 97, 153, 238

  itself: 91, 140

  just: 136, 271

  know: 171, 262

  let: 34, 163

  life: 177, 252

  little: 8, 42, 70, 78, 106, 133, 169, 218, 243

  look: 59

  looked: 32

  made: 155, 216, 272

  me: 273

  might: 58

  moment’s: 54

  more: 225

  never: 67

  no: 108, 204

  not: 183, 205

  notice: 123

  noticed: 93, 185, 228

  numbers: 101

  occasion: 56

  of: 15, 21, 39, 195

  oh: 203

  once: 1

  one: 75

  only: 87

  or: 63, 107

  ordinary: 13

  people: 30, 118, 165

  perhaps: 125

  pleased: 250

  read: 36, 68, 127, 167, 213, 237

  reader: 260

  readers: 194, 227

  really: 92, 192

  relation: 109

  sad: 220

  saw: 198

  so: 102, 131, 144, 151

  some: 22

  sort: 14

  special: 147

  story: 158, 160, 234, 256

  stuck: 17

  stupid: 193

  sympathy: 241

  take: 122

  that: 28, 85, 103, 113, 116, 137, 152, 161, 229, 266

  the: 19, 41, 51, 69, 77, 86, 111, 132, 164, 168, 187, 191, 196, 199, 217, 224, 230, 242

  then: 74

  there: 5

  they: 57, 66

  this: 40, 215, 255

  thought: 55, 202

  time: 4

  to: 89, 95, 110, 212

  true: 258

  two: 64

  unhappy: 47, 174

  unrewarding: 176

  up: 60, 156

  upon: 2

  very: 45-46, 246-247, 274-275

  was: 6, 11, 44, 94

  way: 88, 117, 148

  what: 172, 186

  when: 223

  who: 166

  with: 251

  word: 62

  words: 99

  would: 119, 162

  you: 269

  For further information, please visit the TUIB website: http://tuib.webnode.com

  Acknowledgements

  As I had nothing to do with the writing of this book, I would like to thank Roman Laskowski for kindly putting my name on the front cover. I think it was a great idea as I am much better looking than he is.

  Roman, in turn, would like to express his gratitude to Marek Piekarski for the fun collaboration during the early drafts of the book, and for some of his great ideas. Also, thanks to Edith, Veronica and Sam for their patience during the rewriting process. Immense thanks to people who helped, particularly Terry ‘Weekend in Weighton’ Murphy for his meticulous reading of the text and fantastic suggestions, and Gareth Naylor for his help with the cover and trailer, and for his ever-ludicrous but hilarious ideas.

  Mark Roman, 2012

  About the Author

  Mark Roma
n has been working his way through the alphabet in search of a suitable career. He’s sampled architecture, accountancy, auditing and astrophysics. For a while he worked as a computer programmer before realizing he’d skipped over ‘B’. So he took up bioinformatics, which is where he is now. He worries that becoming an author would put him back to ‘A’, with the whole alphabet still stretching out ahead of him.

  He lives in London with his wife (also a scientist) and two young children, neither of whom wants to become a scientist. In his work he has published around 80 papers, reviews and book chapters – although, if you want to read them, you’ll need to look under a different name.

  As a lifelong soccer fan he is no stranger to the extreme emotions of elation and despair (but mainly despair – in fact, almost entirely despair), particularly from his own performances on the football field. Still, he firmly believes there’s no problem that can’t be solved by a nice cup of tea. Except, perhaps, the global economic crisis.

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