“I don’t know, Holly.” Dr. Adams pondered her thoughts for a moment. “Janet makes a good point.”
“Listen. I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t about me. This is about your cliental and making your website more reputable than any other dating website out there.”
Dr. Adams chuckled like an old hen. “You seem to have forgotten that you are a red-blooded female with feelings.”
“Oh, I get it. You think I’m going to fall in love with him? Uh—wrong. This whole thing is strictly a game to me. Don’t you see that? I will never let something as inane as feelings get in the way of business.”
“When you toy with the heart-strings that’s not exactly true. You or the other person will end up getting burned,” Janet announced.
“Excuse me!” Holly snapped at Janet like a gator being taunted with a stick. “Do you think you’re telling me something I don’t know? For God sakes, I’m a professional matchmaker, honey.”
Janet backed off as though Holly had come at her with a machete. “Holly, please. There is no need to get hostile. Janet is only trying to help.”
“Who says I can’t kiss someone and feel nothing?” Holly asked.
Janet rolled her eyes, believing Holly was being totally unreasonable. “Good luck.”
“Seriously. This is a challenge I’m willing to take.”
“It’s your heart on the line, not to mention, a million dollars,” said the doctor.
“I have everything strategically planned out. You can bet that I am going to give you your money’s worth.”
***
Some big news happened for Holly’s father. For the first time in his career, Tim was offered a headlining gig at the Pig and Whistle restaurant in Los Angeles.
“I’m bringing a date,” Holly said to her father over the phone.
“A date?” Tim asked with a chuckle. “Oh wait, scratch that. You mean you’re bringing Todd.”
“Oh, how wrong you are, dear father,” Holly replied. “I won’t be bringing Todd this time. I’m bringing my experimental date instead.”
“This should be interesting, but sure, the more the merrier. Make sure he can handle some raunchy material, okay?”
Anyone familiar with Timothy Sparks’ stand-up comedy knew that most of his material was PG-rated compared to some comedians.
“Dad—”
“I was thinking about doing the one when you were a teenager and you came in contact with those pornography magazines in Vegas? You and your cousin Jimmy found a stack hidden under the dresser and he stuffed them all in his suitcase before his mother came back in the room. And you remember what happened after that—”
Thirteen-year old cousin Jimmy thought he could make a profit off his findings. The two returned to school and he went around to all the junior-high boys trying to sell his loot. He was caught and ended up being suspended for a week. Not to mention, a gaggle of boys wanted their money back after complaining that the magazine pages were “sticky.”
“Dad—no. That’s disgusting.”
“Awe, come on. It makes for great material.”
“No. We agreed that you wouldn’t use anything that involved me, remember?”
“I know. I’m just pulling your leg, kid.”
***
With all the hype going on with the blog, it wasn’t a surprise that an unexpected visitor would eventually grace Holly with his presence at the office one afternoon. She was in the middle of responding to a question on the blog when he appeared in front of her like a cloud forming out of thin air.
“Hey, babe.” Matthew took a seat in front of her desk and removed his sunglasses.
Holly looked up and met his big brown eyes, completely caught off guard by this surprise visit. “Matthew—what can I do you for you?” She had to admit that he looked incredibly handsome. Whom was she kidding? He always looked handsome no matter if he was trying or not. He wore a long-sleeved white dress shirt and dark denim jeans. She admired the way he had his hair gelled up in the front. Not to mention, he smelled amazing, like sex and masculine cologne.
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I would drop by.” He flashed Holly that perfect smile that reminded her of Robert Redford in his younger years.
From the corner of her eye, Holly stole a glance at Emma and Chris. Both sat at their desks pretending as if they weren’t paying attention to what was going on. Chris whistled the theme song from the Andy Griffith Show, while Emma focused on a document in front of her.
“So how have you been?” Holly asked nonchalantly as she continued replying to an email.
“Good actually. Sorry, I’ve been so out of the loop.”
“Well, it’s not like we keep tabs on each other anymore, right?”
Matthew ignored the comment. “Hey listen. I wanted to talk to you about something.” He spoke in a serious manner, like a father about to reprimand a child with a lecture. Holly became a little distressed about what the topic of conversation might be whenever he talked this way.
“Oh?” Holly ceased typing and gave Matthew her full attention. “What’s on your mind?” Was he coming back to ask for her forgiveness? Had he finally realized what a mistake he had made?
“Well, I’ve caught onto your blog.”
That was exactly when all hope blew out like a candle in a hurricane.
“So this visit has something to do with my blog?”
“Honestly, I don’t get the whole thing.”
Holly sat back and crossed her arms over her chest like a shield against his verbal zinger. “Tell me again why this is so concerning to you?”
“Uh, hello—blogging about all the men you date? This whole thing is really beneath you.” Matthew’s cell phone chimed and he briefly stopped the conversation to reply to a text message. “Come on, Holly. You are so much better than that. You’re a sophisticated, successful matchmaker. Sweetie, this game you’re playing makes you look desperate. I’m only saying this because I still care about you.”
“Excuse me?” Holly jeered. “All this coming from the guy who dumped me on Valentine’s Day?”
“Okay, okay. Let’s not go there.” He raised his hand, signaling her to stop. “I’m just wondering if this is your bizarre way of dealing with our break-up.”
“What!”
“I think it’s unhealthy. Maybe you should see someone.”
In some degenerate way, Holly found this whole conversation amusing. “Well, Matthew, this may deflate your ego just a tad, but my blog has nothing to do with you.”
“Okay, whatever. You can deny it all you want.” He patted her hand like a doctor comforting an ill patient, and shot her a sympathetic look. “But I think you and I both know the truth.”
“You are unbelievable.”
“And who’s this “J” guy?”
“That’s none of your business.”
He sighed like a person resignedly accepting the unacceptable. “That’s fine. I’m just a guy you were in a relationship with for almost five-years. You don’t have to tell me the details.”
“I don’t care if we dated for twenty!” He was always so good at laying on the guilt trip, but this time she dodged him like a stray bullet. “When a relationship ends, that means we owe each other no explanations.”
“Listen, Holly. I’m worried about you getting hurt.”
“No. You listen, Matthew. You made a choice. Frankly, what I do with my life is no longer any of your concern. I’ve had just about enough of your smug attitude.” She stood up and pointed toward the front door. “Now get out of my office before I have Chris throw you out.”
Matthew slipped on his designer sunglasses and replied, “Suit yourself. Don’t stay I didn’t try to warn you.”
Holly watched him exit the office without another word.
***
June 25, 2013
It was bound to happen now that Holly and Jake were seeing each other on a regular basis. Sometimes certain questions came up that were difficult for he
r to answer. The first time Jake brought up a relevant issue had happened when they were having breakfast in Santa Monica.
“Why is it that we always have to meet somewhere and I can never pick you up at your apartment?” Jake asked over a heaping pile of scrambled eggs. “Be honest. Are you hiding something from me?”
Ever since this experiment began, Holly found it easy to come up with logical explanations on a whim. Although at that moment, the question took her by surprise. Without even thinking about it, she came up with an obscure justification.
“My aunt is living with me right now. She’s a real prude when it comes to men coming over to my place. She’s so like 1950s that she’ll wreak havoc even if a man kisses me on the cheek without a ring on my finger.”
“So, this isn’t a permanent thing, I hope?” he asked.
“No. She’ll be moving out—eventually.”
Jake took her answer for what it was worth and asked no further questions. Holly immediately redeemed herself by inviting Jake to her father’s show at the Pig and Whistle that Thursday night. The day before the show, Jake gave subtle hints about how cool it would be to meet the comedian. If she was going to make this happen, she had to give her dad the low down before she introduced them to each other.
***
June 27, 2013
After grabbing a snack at a Mexican joint, Jake and Holly arrived at the Pig and Whistle restaurant around nine. The place was packed like a bomb shelter. People milled about and waited in a line that went from the front entrance to around the back of the building. Holly entertained the idea that the majority of these people were here to see her father.
Plastered to the front door was a black and white poster of Tim in a fancy sports coat. He had his arms crossed over his chest as he did his best to put on a serious face. It was rather spectacular to see in bold black letters, Appearing Tonight: Comedian Timothy Sparks.
Jake grabbed onto Holly’s hand and as they shuffled their way inside said, “Your dad seems to be pretty popular.”
“Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting a turn-out this big.”
The restaurant was very old school Hollywood with a cool, laid back bar. There were gaudy gold chandeliers and comfortable couches and chairs. Smooth, relaxing music played in the background as bartenders continuously poured stiff drinks. The ambiance reminded Holly of a restaurant from the '50s. The booths were old and the floors creaked with each step. The main dining room was no bigger than a classroom. The microphone stands and stage equipment had been set up only a few feet away. Grabbing a seat somewhere turned out to be the luck of the draw. Jake stole the last booth as soon as an older couple slid on out to leave.
“Hey, I’m going to go find my dad really quick and wish him luck.”
“Sure.” Jake concentrated simultaneously on Holly and the makeshift stage, eagerly anticipating what the evening had in store. “Give him my best as well.”
Holly caught a glimpse of her father having a conversation with someone beside the bar. He lit up like a sparkler when he saw her coming his way.
“Hey, sweetie,” Tim said, embracing his daughter.
“I’m going to go find a seat. Good luck tonight,” said a male stranger.
“Thanks for coming, Chuck. Enjoy the show,” Tim replied.
Holly gently squeezed her father’s shoulder. “So you’ve got a huge crowd out there tonight.”
“Everyone is probably here for the opening acts. The place will clear out as soon as I walk out there,” Tim said somewhat begrudgingly. “But, I’m glad you could make it.”
“Is Gale here?”
“Kacie had a dance lesson that Gale forgot about, but that’s okay. There will be other shows.”
Holly let out a sigh comparable to the sound of air deflating from a tire. “Well, I brought that date I told you about. Dr. Adams said it would be okay if I start seeing him exclusively now.”
“Sounds risky.”
“That’s why I need to lay down a few ground rules with you, so we don’t screw this up.”
“Okay, lay it on me sista.”
“He wants to meet you after the show, so you need to remember that I’m using Mom’s name as my own.”
“Okay, duly noted. I won’t blow it for you, pumpkin. I promise,” he said with a wink.
“Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it. I have to get back.” Holly kissed his cheek. “I’m so proud of you. Knock’em dead tonight.”
Holly made her way back to Jake where he was in the middle of nursing an imported beer. A cocktail garnished with a pineapple wedge sat waiting on top of a small white napkin.
Jake took a swig of beer and asked, “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. My dad is really pumped up.”
The show started off with a midget named Biff Derky who’s every other word was some form of profanity. In most cases, Holly would have found it offensive, but the way the f-word fit into all of his jokes turned out to be quite hilarious. He had the crowd laughing and clapping uproariously.
After Biff, an obese black man wearing his baseball cap backwards stepped into the spotlight. He liked to joke about sex to the point where it became distasteful. Holly actually felt that his comedy sketch made her feel rather awkward in front of Jake. No one laughed and for the majority of his stint, there was only a deep, oppressive silence. You could almost hear the proverbial crickets in the background.
After the final opening act, the MC made his appearance.
”Good evening everyone.” He had long hair that was slicked back into a ducktail and he wore grungy looking clothing. “Well, now that you’ve had a taste, are you ready for some real comedy tonight?”
The audience approved with a hearty applause.
“Okay, then let’s hear it for the ever so hilarious Timothy Sparks…”
Tim came out from behind the bar, dressed down like his usual comedic self in an army jacket, faded t-shirt and black jeans. He scanned the audience like a schoolteacher trying to pick out the disobedient children. “Wow, what a crowd, what a crowd.”
Many comedians in the industry respected Timothy Sparks for the fact that he could keep his comedy clean and still be funny. With the exception of the f-bomb here and there, his routine was usually light-hearted. He used his art to express his fears, doubts and confusions about life.
“So recently, homeless people have this magnetic attraction to me. Yeah, I know, in Los Angeles you can’t avoid them, and to a hobo, this is probably the only city in America where a bathtub is also considered a toilet. Just sayin.”
The crowd cracked up like a cork had popped, exploding with laughter. A few people had beer coming out of their noses, making them choke for breath.
“Last Tuesday, I’m sitting in my car at the Irvine Spectrum mall. Now, we all know that the city of Irvine is hobo free. The world is coming to a fucking end if you see homeless people wandering the streets in that persnickety town. In Irvine you got your Arabs, Hindus, Asians and a few white people, but nowhere on that list are hobos—or Mexicans.” Tim paused for a moment to collect his thoughts as people keeled over in laughter. “So there I am minding my own business that day when out of nowhere there’s this tap on my car window. I look over and see some hobo trying to sell me his last tooth. What the fuck, man. Come on? Me of all people?”
Holly wasn’t actually sure if her father’s story was true, but she did know that he had several random run-ins with homeless people over the past year.
“And you know what’s great? Technology, man. I mean, it’s so easily accessible these days. I go to the public library and there are hobos on the computer checking their email. And I’m thinking to myself, what the fuck does a hobo need email for? Well, I got the answer to this question the other day. I was driving down Wilshire Boulevard and as I got to the freeway entrance, I see this tired old homeless man with a cardboard sign. He sees me as I’m waiting there for the light to turn green and flashes his sign in my direction, which of course reads, “Homeless and hungry, please help
. God bless.” Now I’m thinking that’s typical, right? You see this kind of thing every day. I ignore him. Nothing new. Well, I’m just about to drive off when he shrugs and flips over the sign that reads, "Or, visit my website at www.hobo.com."
People were laughing so hard that some had tears rolling down their faces.
Her father’s comedy stretch went on for another hour. When the show was over, Jake turned to Holly and with tears of laughter in his eyes said, “Oh my God. Your father is hilarious.”
Flattered by his reaction, Holly replied, “So that means you still want to meet him?”
“Absolutely.”
Holly led Jake to the back of the bar where a pack of admirers encircled her father. “Dad—”
“Excuse me for a second,” Tim said to his followers. He stepped out of the suffocating circle and met his daughters beaming eyes.
“Dad, I’d like you to meet Jake McCluskey.”
“Mr. Sparks—” Jake held out his hand and gave Tim a firm handshake. “Awesome show tonight, sir.”
“Why thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Tim was taken aback by Jake’s appearance. He was a simple looking man, dressed in a laboring flannel shirt and blue jeans. Now, Tim knew his daughter better than anyone did and she’d never dated anyone as average and ho-hum as Jake McClusky in all her years. One look at him, and Tim knew this guy was strictly an experiment. There’d be no way that something romantic could ever go on between them.
“Jake is your newest fan,” Holly mentioned.
“As I can see you are with my daughter,” Tim responded.
Holly’s eyes warned her father not to cause her any embarrassment.
Jake blushed like a schoolboy. “Well, she is pretty great.”
“I’ll agree with you on that,” Tim said, squeezing Holly’s shoulder.
“If you have anything else coming up in the area, I’d love to come to another show.”
“Well Hol—Darlene can fill you in on all that.” At the obvious blunder, Tim grimaced in embarrassment. “I perform a lot during the week.”
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