by Bette Ford
Strong, confident, and intense, Darrin, in her estimation, had the qualities that were synonymous with controlling and demanding. Determined to protect herself, she had done an excellent job of keeping her distance.
Unfortunately for her, Darrin refused to accept no for an answer. Giving up was not part of his personality. Over time she had come to secretly admire him. Unlike Martin, Darrin was not insecure. Strong and confident in his own right, he didn’t need to belittle her to make himself feel like a man.
She struggled to understand why when she was with him she felt incredibly feminine, almost beautiful. The night of the storm when he took her in his arms, her defenses had shattered. The instant he kissed her she stopped thinking. Mesmerized, she quickly learned he didn’t make love with the same determination and expertise he exhibited in the courtroom. His focus was on her. Because he had been such an incredible lover, all her defenses had crumbled, tumbling like a tower of toy blocks.
After weeks trying, she could not stop thinking him. She couldn’t forget that night and what they shared. Nor could she overlook what she might have seen in his eyes. She needed to know what it was. Had she hurt him when she asked him to leave? She couldn’t explain: not without going into her horrible past failures.
She came tonight to apologize, and it had backfired. He was too angry to listen. She had never seen him this way, so closed off, unapproachable. Yet, despite the anger she was not afraid of him. He didn’t frighten her. Even if he had not said it, deep down she knew he cared about her…just as she cared about him.
Yes, Darrin had said the three most highly coveted words on Earth. The question was if he meant them. And why had he said them? Trenna’s heart ached because there was no doubt in her mind that the only man who had ever said those words to her and had meant them was her father.
She sighed, having no idea how to handle this. Love? Her heart had nearly stopped when he said it. Unable to come up with response she’d stared at him like a heart-sick fool. Was this some kind of mind game? He sounded angry, resentful.
With her hands curled into smell fists at her side, Trenna knew how frightening it was to be in love. The intensity and vulnerability was unbearable painful, especially if it was one-sided. Love had never worked for her. And judging by the look on his face it wasn’t doing much for him either.
The instant he said L-word the atmosphere in the room changed. Just because the secret part of her had longed to be loved didn’t make it true. Unfortunately, she had learned the hard way that to be in love and be loved in return was nothing more than a girlhood fairytale. She was a grownup and had left that romantic fantasy behind. Thank goodness, her common sense prevailed. Her eyes nearly filled as she accepted that whatever she and Darrin might have had was over…before it had ever really begun.
Trenna said firmly, “No, Darrin.” She was practically wringing her hands in frustration when she added, “I am not in love with my late husband. What I felt for him has been over for a very long time.”
“I’m not wrong!” Darrin snapped. “Trenna, give me some credit. I’ve been reading body language for years. Any good attorney will tell you it’s essential, in order to tell if a client or witness has been lying. It’s not over for you.”
“No!” It was all she could do not to stomp her feet in frustration.
“Then tell me why you said ‘with Martin’? Why won’t you admit you were comparing us?”
“How many times must…”
“Trenna, I was there. I saw your face.”
“That’s crazy! He’s gone. Believe me, I’m not likely to forget that since I was behind the wheel when the car slid on the icy road and crashed. I made the funeral arrangements. And I was the one who had to listen to his daughters accuse me of deliberately killing their father. Do you honestly think I could forget any of that when I was responsible?”
Darrin frowned, “We’re talking about two different things. We both know that accident wasn’t your fault. Martin was the one who insisted on traveling late at night on an icy road. And he was the one who refused to wear a seatbelt. You did your best in unfortunate circumstances.”
Trenna whispered, “Yes, but I will always feel responsible. But, Darrin, that doesn’t mean I’m still in love with him.” She didn’t add she thought she knew what love was until she met him. Since that night she has been an emotional mess.
“I know what I saw. There was shock in your eyes, maybe even confusion after we finished. You looked as if you couldn’t believe you were with me and not him. Then you said ‘with Martin.’ We both knew you were comparing the two of us and I was the one who didn’t measure up. Can you imagine how I felt?”
Close to tears, she shook her head vehemently. “I’m sorry! It just came out! You two are nothing alike!”
How could she explain about Martin? Their relationship had been complicated. He had to be in control. And he was fond of showing her off like a trophy. He actually enjoyed having a much younger wife, one who was totally dependent on him. She wanted a career and a child. He said no. When she realized he was not going to change, instead of constantly fighting, she chose to concentrate on finishing her schooling and being active in her church.
After several years of doing things his way, including giving into his sexual demands, she realized she had changed. She wasn’t the same young girl he’d married. What she thought of as love was gone. She resented him for his need to always be in control. She had matured and was ready to make her own decisions. She wanted to use her education and her family’s wealth for good. Disillusioned about love and marriage, she finally stood up for herself. Unfortunately for her, Martin’s rude and crude comments escalated into full scale verbal abuse.
“Trenna, talk to me. I’m struggling here to understand. You said…”
“I know what I said! I wish you would just drop it! Why can’t you see our night together was never about my late husband? I don’t enjoy talking about my past. I’ve moved on…”
“Moved on?” He quirked a brow as if he had serious doubts. “If that’s true, then you shouldn’t have a problem telling me what went wrong between us. We had a nice dinner. We talked, we kissed. When I put on my coat to leave you invited me to stay. We went up to your bedroom, we kissed, we got undressed and then we made love. Until then, I was under the impression that you were enjoying being with me as much as I was being with you. Then you said his name.
“Suddenly, you went cold. You couldn’t get me out of your place fast enough. From my viewpoint, no man can ever measure up to that lofty pedestal you’ve hoisted old Martin up on!” He didn’t give her chance to respond. “Trenna, since you’re not going to be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself. Admit it! You’re still in love with your late husband.”
“No, Darrin! How many times do I have to tell you this wasn’t about—”
Frustrated, he interrupted, “The truth. That’s all I want!” He ran an impatient hand over his dark, wavy hair. “You refused to see my side of it. Did you ever stop and think how it made me feel, knowing the entire time I was inside of you, doing my best to pleasure you that you were thinking about him? Did you?”
“It was never like that!”
Until that night she hadn’t known true intimacy. All she’d ever had with Martin was sex. And she hated it! Darrin had changed all that. With him, she had felt cherished, had experienced tenderness. He had quickly replaced all her preconceived notions about what happened between two people who cared about each other.
In his arms, for the first time in her adult life, Trenna felt as if she was special. He made her feel as if she was finally where she belonged. How quickly she lost control. Maybe if he hadn’t been so gorgeous, so darn sexy she would have been able to resist him? After those incredible kisses, instead of resisting, she could barely keep her hands off him.
Darrin went on as it she hadn’t spoken. “You taught me a hard lesson that night, Trenna, one that I’m not likely to ever forget.” He shook his head as if to cl
ear it. “I can’t deny I was needy. I wanted you so badly that I convinced myself that you were with me, all the way.” Then, he said with a scowl, “I’m fortunate that you didn’t call me by his name when you climaxed.”
She gasped, “How can you say that? I care about you!”
“Really?” His voice vibrated with bitterness. “Man, I thought it was bad when you insisted I leave after what we had just shared. Now you are suddenly claiming to have feelings for me? What’s next?”
“It’s true!” Close to tears, she said, “Why are you making this so difficult?”
“Because it doesn’t add up! Trenna, you were warm and responsive in bed, open to me and what we shared. Everything was good…really good between us…until you climaxed. Afterwards, I don’t know what changed, but something sure did. What was it?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Trenna’s heart began to pound with dread.
“It does to me. You acted as if you felt guilty about finding pleasure with me instead of him.”
The deep hurt in his midnight blue eyes was unmistakable. Troubled, she took a step toward him, but Darrin held up a hand as if to ward for her off. Crushed, she couldn’t hold back the tears that slipped past her lashes and ran down her cheeks.
Hands clenched, she insisted, “I don’t feel guilty about Martin. He’s gone. Yes, it was the first time for me since he passed. But this is not about him!”
“If that’s true, then, why are you crying?”
“If…” She tried but failed to collect the moisture with her fingers.
“Here,” he pulled the handkerchief from his lapel pocket and gave it to her.
“I can’t, it’s silk.”
“Use it, damn it!”
“Don’t swear at me!” Trenna bristled, blotting her cheeks. “Are you done telling me how I feel? Or are you going to shut up and listen to me?” As if suddenly recalling the lady-like manners her mother had drills into her, she tacked on, “…Please.”
Nodding, he folded his arms over his chest.
She took a deep breath. “Let’s back up. I’m not denying that I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I overreacted when you took the Todd Marks case. I apologize for blaming you. I was upset and treated you as if you did something wrong when you were only doing your job. Only recently, I had dinner with Grace Brooks and found out from her that you have been right all along about Todd Marks. He didn’t rape her.”
“Say what?”
“You heard correctly. She honestly believed it was him. She started having nightmares, reliving the rape. In one of the dreams she saw his face clearly. It was not Todd Marks. She was horrified that she’d been wrong and the harm it has caused.”
“Frequently, eyewitness testimony has been proven to be incorrect,” he said matter-of-factly.
“You’re awfully calm.”
“If Todd Marks had gone to jail I’d feel differently.”
“I’m sorry that…”
“We’ve both made mistakes, Trenna.”
“What do you mean?”
“Judging by your respond to making love, you weren’t ready. Maybe it was because it was the first time for you since Martin? Or maybe it was the grief? I don’t know. But clearly, I rushed you into it. Losing my father has made me realized that grief can not only be painful, but debilitating. We don’t all grieve the same way. No one can predict how they might be affected by loss. “
“That’s true, partly. Naturally, after losing my parents, I was devastated. I felt so alone. I had no idea how to move on with my life.” She paused before she said, “Martin was a friend of our family and became my legal guardian after I lost my folks. I will always be grateful that Martin was there for me when I needed him the most. He helped me get past the worst of it. When we married I thought I was in love, but I was wrong. Toward the end, I had no choice but to accept what Martin and I had wasn’t love.
“And then I met you. Darrin, I didn’t know what to think. I tried but couldn’t control my response to you. I did my best to ignore it and avoid you. On the night of the storm I couldn’t say no. You shocked me tonight when you told me how you felt about me. It forced me into acknowledging the feelings I have for you.”
Darrin cupped her shoulders, so quickly she would have fallen if he hadn’t been holding her. “You aren’t in love with Martin?”
“No! I believed I loved him when we married. But I’ve never...”
“Never what?”
“Never felt for him what I feel for you. I love you,” she confessed, breathing deeply.
He stared into her eyes. “Are you’re sure you’re not…”
“I’m positive—”
Before she could finish his mouth covered hers. Shivers raced along her nerve endings as he gave her one of the slow, drugging sweet kisses she adored. Her entire body sizzled like a cold pat of butter in a searing hot skillet. Desire inflamed her senses.
When he lifted his head, he said, “But when we were together you said…”
“I know…” She stopped abruptly, biting her bottom lip. When she felt his lips brush her forehead she found the courage to look up and press her mouth against his. “I love you. Let me finish. It’s important that you understand.”
The heat in his gaze told her she had his undivided attention. Darrin nodded. “Okay, but remember, I love you, too. Go ahead. I’m listening.”
Overcome by tender emotions, Trenna nodded and blinked to clear the tears clouding her vision. All this time, she’d been too afraid to hope for his love. His confession had floored her, but she could not make herself believe he meant it. Once she had seen the truth in his eyes her heart pounded with a combination of relief, joy, and fear with the force of dozen steel drums.
“I hated the way things were between us. Tonight when I saw your car in the lot I had to come, even though I was afraid to face you.”
“I’m glad you came.” His smile was tender, his kiss even more so. “I adore you.” His eyes were suspiciously moist. “Go ahead. Say what you need to say.”
Although nervous, she told herself the worst was behind her. It was important that he understood…all of it. “I married the day I graduated from college. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized I had married for the wrong reasons.” She sighed, “I’m sorry… I’m going too fast.
“I was barely eighteen, had just graduated from high school when the boating accident happened. Being an only child of only children made losing them really difficult. My parents trusted Martin, had arranged for him to be my guardian if something ever happened to them. I was so thankful he made the funeral arrangements. He was there for me during the service and I came to depend on him.
“He managed my trust fund, took care of my tuition and all my expenses. He also took over the managing of my parents’ businesses. In addition to his law practice, he was raising his twin daughters alone, after losing his first wife to cancer. “
Darrin asked, “How old were you when you became involved with him romantically?”
“I was twenty, in my second year of college, the first time Martin asked me to marry him. I was shocked and quickly refused. You see, I was just getting over the loss enough to start dating. I wanted to be like everyone else on campus; I wanted to have fun. Martin was furious with me, so much that he stopped taking my calls. I was devastated. It felt as if I had lost the only family member I had left.”
“How old was he?”
“Forty-two when we wed. Please, let me finish.”
“Go ahead.”
She said, “I was so upset that I flew home during the break to talk to him. That was when I realized he had romantic feelings for me. He was jealous of the guys I was dating on campus.” Trenna shrugged. “I suppose I was flattered, but also torn. I never thought of him that way. I got to know him since I lost my folks and thought of him as family. I was so unsure of myself and him. I knew I loved him, but marriage? I went back to college with a heavy heart. I didn't know what to do.
“When I told Maureen sh
e was against me marrying him. She believed he was too old for me, and that he was trying to rush me into a decision I wasn’t ready for. After several weeks without hearing from him, I was crushed. I caved in and agreed to marry him. We got engaged, but I insisted on waiting until after my graduation.”
“And after the wedding were you happy?”
Trenna nodded. “I thought so. It was a huge adjustment for me. I wanted to be a good wife to Martin and to be good to his girls. But the twins were only a few years younger than I was. They resented me, believed I wanted to take their mother’s place. So I concentrated on making him happy.”
“You were young. I imagine it was a big chance. Were you involved in your family business?”
“No. Martin handled the businesses and since they were thriving I didn’t interfere. I wanted to teach but he wanted me to be a full-time wife. To compromise, I went to grad school to work on my master’s and then doctorate.
“Like all couples, Martin and I had our problems.” Trenna took a breath before she confessed, “I never told anyone, not even Maureen, that I wasn’t very good at sex. I didn’t enjoy it and avoided it whenever possible. He was so frustrated with my lack of response that he turned to porn. He insisted I watch those films with him.”
“And how did you feel about it?”
“I hated it. It wasn’t about love! Or even me! As time went on Martin needed more and more graphic pornography to become aroused, claiming I wasn’t enough. Things were so bad between us that I refused to watch and avoided having sex. Even though he was furious, I didn’t back down.”
“So brave.” Tenderly, Darrin brushed his lips over her forehead.
Trenna sighed in relief, grateful to finally have the truth out in the open. She lifted her face and pressed her lips against his, needing his love and support. He encircled her waist, holding her close.